I Don't Even Know What to Say...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by My name is Mud, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. My name is Mud

    My name is Mud New Member

    To be listened to and not mocked, judged, or have people roll their eyes at me is something I have been searching for. Tonight I happened to put "tough love for adult children" on the google search and here I am. Here, I read actual stories from actual people who have had to detach from their adult children. I read intelligently-written articles and suggestions. I saw tired people, but people who CARE and people who hope, and want to do no harm.

    I never...in my wildest dreams...thought I would be here or that I would ever kick my daughter out of my home. Never. I am one of the most loving, compassionate people you will find and have helped the ones in my town who no one else wants to deal with.

    My daughter seems to know this and has used it for all that it's worth. I don't really want to say much more right now, because I'm not ready. First, I have to see if any readers decide to find out where I live and come and have a talk with me and maul me real good over the head with a garbage pail. I have been so judged by Christian people that it is not even funny. I live in the bible belt and you would think that none of these Christians had ever had any trouble out of their children or grandchildren...

    Will share more later. Not ready.
  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Mud, we are all here for you, when you are ready.

    Here, on this forum, you will find parents who are compassionate and non judgemental. We have all walked the walk.

    I wish you the best, and maybe when you are ready, we will hear more from you, as you go through this challenging time with your daughter
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  3. Movingon23

    Movingon23 New Member

    I am with you mud I have reading and taking in advise dealing with my Difficult Child child who is 24. I have yet to post our story but I will. Everyone here has their own stories and still give support and love. We are not alone.
  4. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Welcome @My name is Mud. I'm glad that you found us, but am sorry you needed to.

    Feel free to share more when you are ready. You are not alone.
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  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi My name is Mud, So sorry for your troubles and your reasons to land here.
    The folks here are very kind, give much comfort and share experiences. It helps that there is anonymity, and there are guidelines to keep us all in check. Most of all, there is good sound advice from folks who have been there, done that.
    No judgement, just filling the need to share stories, seek advice, offer help and hope.
    More will come along, hugs to you in your time of need.
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  6. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    Welcome Mud. Glad you found this group. Like you, I found this group when my son was stealing and lying to us and falling down that hole faster than you can imagine. Putting him out was hard but was the best decision for me and my husband's sanity. Please share your story when you are ready. There is no judgment on this page...you have found a safe place where everyone understands what you are going through. Just wanted to say hi.
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  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Mud,

    I am glad you found us here but sorry you had to. You will find much needed support and understanding here on this site.

    Feel free to share more when you are ready.

    I don't usually bring my faith into conversations here but I do want to respond to what you shared. I am a Christian and find it very sad that others would judge you. It's not their place to judge you. I would hope that they would just love on you and support you. Not all "Christians" will judge you. I won't.

    It's a tough journey for us parents who have difficult adult children. Again, I'm glad you found us here. You are not alone.

    ((HUGS)) to you............

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  8. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    Mud, welcome. Just know all of us have felt judged. It's because they truly don't know. It's hard to understand unless you're living it. We all do here because we do live it. I'm glad you found us. There's really so many more people with similar realities than you know. It's sometimes just nice to know others have similar stories.
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  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Mud

    We have all judged others, and been judged.

    Let it roll off your back.

    Stay with us, post when you feel like it. Doesn't have to be about your situation. Some people would rather help others than post about their own situation. That is perfectly OK. Do whatever helps you.

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  10. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Hi Mud. I'm glad you are finding your voice. My son is in jail. I never thought I'd say that either. I'm glad you found us.
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  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Mud and welcome,

    Not all Christians respond like the ones you mention. A lot of people just can't fathom what we go through and what we have been through and they speak out of that complete lack of knowledge. You would hope they would be able to listen---even if they can't understand---and have compassion, but I guess it's too threatening for some people. Maybe it's like when you get divorced and all of a sudden, people start shying away...well...you know it might be contagious! : )

    We so understand here because we have walked the same path. The details are usually a little different, but the themes and underlying issues are the same.

    At some point...most of us are completely sick and tired of living the lives we are living, loving someone so much who seems bent on complete destruction. At some point, like Al-Anon says, we have to get off the merry-go-round. We have to, because if we don't, we will completely lose our own selves. And as much as we love our adult children, we learn to love ourselves just a tiny bit more...I call it the 51%/49% rule that I finally began to live into.

    Many times, in God's time/our Higher Power's time/the Universe's time, if we can step back and stay back, at some point our DCs have a chance to start to change and turn their lives around. It doesn't happen when and how we want it to, but there is a space where change can happen. When we are so involved with them, there is no space for change to occur---why would it, when we are taking care of every little thing?

    We are glad you are here. Whenever you are ready to share, we are ready to listen. Welcome and warm hugs today.
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  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I live in the Bible belt, too. I am a born again Christian and I have had to throw my daughter out, too...no judging here...
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  13. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Welcome Mud!

    My son lives in a tree.
    There's a load of mud everywhere.
    Mud is good for loads of things (apparently), like growing things and feeding worms and even building places to live.
    I have a pair of orange wellington boots and old jeans and a machine-washable jacket for when I visit him.
    He rolls his eyes and tuts as if it's ridiculous to try and avoid (good) mud and keep clean.
    When he visits me (occasionally) I have to put his muddy stuff through my washing machine several times and it's still dirty even then. He doesn't like his clothes so much when they're not covered in mud. He says I'm focussing on the unimportant stuff when the world is being destroyed (by people who don't appreciate the mud etc and want to cover the world in concrete and exploit everything).

    Anyway... I'm rambling ...

    Tell us more when you're ready, if you want to.
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  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Mud.

    I am so glad you found us here. I do not know what google search helped me land here maybe this one: homeless mentally ill son.

    That was 6 months ago.
    How I had suffered: My neighbor "friends" judged me. They talked about me. About how I had not been a good enough mother. My son gossiped about me.

    You are welcome here. You will not be judged. You will find compassion and learning. You will find your own life, again, after years of living that which your child has imposed on you.

    We post here from all over the world. You say you live in the bible belt. While that consists of half of the USA you may want to ask RunawayBunny, the Administrator to remove even that so that your geographical location (even though it represents half of a country) is not indicated.

    There are people who post who do not indicate even their country. Prejudice and blaming the victim are universal traits. We do not need to know even your culture to understand these influences. Or the fear of them.

    We have lived shame, and guilt and judgment by others.

    Welcome. I hope you decide to keep posting. By your posting you help yourself and us. That is how we all change. Take care.

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    Last edited: Oct 18, 2015
  15. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    Welcome and so sorry for whatever brought you here. I can assure you we all have similar stories and will not judge.. But I understand where you are coming from. I have not told my family what we are going through with our 23 yo son because I am afraid of the judgement.
    You will find support here and wonderful advice from people that have been through it all.
  16. SuperG

    SuperG New Member

    Welcome Mud. Warm hug from me to you. This is your safe place. We "get" you, I promise :)
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  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    How are you doing, SuperG?

    Haven't heard from you in a while!
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  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, My Name is Mud. I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad that you did.
    Not sure who would find you under THAT name, lol! But give it a few days, it you want to. :)
    I shouldn't give advice when I don't know your situation, but I would suggest that you first stop telling people--Christians? Family members?-- what's going on because you have learned that you cannot trust them. I bet that the ones who criticize the most don't even have kids. :) It never fails.
    Choose carefully. Join a support group in person in another city if you need to.
    I vent a lot on this board just so I won't tell everyone who walks by. And some days, that's tempting, when I'm hurt and angry and riled up. This is safer.
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  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Welcome Mud. I'm so sorry you have had problems with judgmental people. Please know that not everyone who claims to be a Christian remembers "judge not", but in my opinion - the best of us do!

    My husband and I have been very open with darn near everyone about the problems we've had with our son. Most of our church knows, my co-workers know. Heck, my husband works in a prison and he's talked with inmates about it! If they want to talk about us behind our backs or judge us to our faces, they can kiss us where the sun don't shine! Our lives aren't what we want them to be...but they are what they are and we aren't hiding from anyone.

    You will find no judgment here! Please share when you are ready. There are many strong shoulders and gentle hearts.
  20. SuperG

    SuperG New Member

    Hi Apple :) Thanks for asking :) I'm still here and still loving the knowledge and support from all of you. I wish I could post a positive update, but it's SSDD around here. I will say that I am coping better these days though. I'll log on to my original thread one of these days and write a proper update. I'm an ER nurse/business owner and the work schedule lately has been overwhelming (good distraction). I'm thankful for this group, and I lurk every few days when I have a free moment.