I feel gone

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Steely, Jul 11, 2007.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am just so tired, weary, and emotionally bankrupt, I feel like I need to just disappear into a large hole. My son, is just beyond messed up right not, with not an ounce of motivation to go forward with his life. How many times can you tweek the medications, before you give up? Then, he manages to take every ounce of his distress and angst out on me - as if I am the garbage receptacle for all of his problems. I have already been through a dad who was verbally, physically, and sexually abusive, and 2 husbands that were verbally and physically abusive, and now I have a son that manages to release his venom every chance he can get in a verbally abusive way. I cannot do this anymore - I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be free............somehow, someway.

    I know I should take me time, but I can't. There is not anyone who is in our life that is bonded to my son. What am I supposed to do? Just leave for a couple of days without him? Have a date with myself?

    Thanks for listening, I am just at the end of my rope, without much hope in sight. I have no one that has answers for our dilemmas, and I just needed to vent.
     
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs, and I can sympathize. I am right there with you. Me time is not easy sometimes. Hang in there. I saw a poster one time of a soaking wet cat hanging to a tree branch by his two front paws. It was titled,"hang in there baby"
     
  3. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh Amber- I was about to log out when I saw your post... please hold on. I can relate on so many levels.
    So many days the desire to just scream and vanish, and then soemone says take some time for yourself!!! How??? You can't leave your kid with anyone... I have tried to explain that one so many times.

    You know I push on somedays because of the horrible things my father did and my stepdad did and every other guy who hurt, abused or took advantage of me. I can't give up on my kids like every one did on me when I was young... It sounds like you have had men do similiar things. Don't let your son turn into them, show him what a strong woman is. Look at what you have already been through!!! I tell myself on bad days, well I might as well see what tommorrow will bring, it can't get much worse... I stick around for the better days because I know it will get better for all of us. Especially for those of us who have been abused.

    Hang in there I am cheering you on!!! Let it out. Go hug one of your fur friends.
     
  4. EB67

    EB67 New Member

    Amber, I wholly understand and empathize with your feelings right now. I imagine that many of us have a similar story here on this level (having endured abuse in the past). The other day when Seb was being particularly horrid to me I remembered the billion and one stitches I needed "from stem to sterm" after he was born and the injustice of it all seemed glaring. I thought: "My nonnie is still a war zone almost 8 years later thanks to you and you dare to treat me with this lack of respect?". Sigh. But this is about you. I mention this in a light hearted way to suggest that there is never any justice in being on the receiving end of bad treatment given our sacrifices and given our painful past histories which make our children's antics that much more harmful to us.

    You have devoted yourself to your son-- you take can pride in your work as a mother, take pride in your fierce dedication-- you have done your job well. It is only natural that patience runs thin from time to time. If only there were a way to make the fantasy of "me time" a reality. I'm still jogging the possibilities myself...

    Hugs. many many hugs. Hang in there.
     
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Amber,
    I'm sorry for your pain right now. Sending gentle hugs and prayers your way.
     
  6. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Amber, I hope you're feeling better today. Sometimes I just need the day to be OVER! I had a bad one yesterday, too, and barely spoke to difficult child most of the day. It's totally exhausting!
     
  7. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    <<<<hugs>>>>

    We are always here to supply the safety net for those at the end of their rope to safely land in. No one should have to go through raising a difficult child alone :O)
     
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Thanks guys.........today, unfortunately, is even worse. He is currently, literally, tearing the house apart. I am numb, severely depressed, and lost at how to help him anymore. It has been years of this, with little progress. I feel doomed to live in this repetitive cycle, unless something can break.

    Not that it is all about me, difficult child is obviously miserable beyond comprehension. I cannot imagine having to live my life like he feels. I feel like somewhere, somehow, I missed and am missing the piece of the puzzle that can help him. His psychiatrist just started him on a bit of paxil for his severe, disabling anxiety - which in the past has induced mania - but his anxiety is so severe and combined with such intense Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that we have to do something.

    I am currently so numb and detached, that despite his tantrums I am just staring into space. I can do nothing more that I know of, he has to find the solution to this now. To top it off, I am serving his abusive father with a court order to pay his past due child support of 75K on Monday. I fully expect my ex to go into his own difficult child tantrum of epic proportions, unleashing it all upon me. I have everything in place to not be a victim of his rage, but you never know. At the very least this will exacerbate my son's behavior.

    Perhaps I will just go live in a hotel for a week, and mat can deal with his father, the 4 animals, making dinner, cleaning up, mowing the lawn, and most of all his own issues - I don't know.......I just know I cannot be in the middle of this any longer. There is a song by one of the bands mat listens to, not sure of the artist, but it is a loud, angry, heavy metal band, and the whole song repeats the chorus "I am about to break, just one step closer to the edge, I am about to break." That pretty much sums it up.
    Thanks for your kind thoughts.
     
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