i feel very unappreciated

[Jena]

by my family.

yup it's been a rough rough past few mos. with-o a doubt. and yes i'm stressed, tired, emotional, swollen and reaching my pt. of no return i guess you could say.

funny thing is i say that alot as of late yet always return back to me. i dont' know anymore if that'sa good or bad thing.

yet i have verbalized to husband and my family how unappreciated i feel as of late. bigtime.

today was supposed to be special, an afternoon with husband and i and no kids no difficult child. the day began late bc as usual difficult child was up till 2 a.m. yet again harrassing me, screaming my name i can't sleep etc. driving me insane. husband and i stayed up past her torment to watch an episode of hells kitchen we'd been dying to see. so yea we're pushing the hours bad just to get time together.

and this morning it happens. i fight to get husband and difficult child up. their both cranky. husband runs to get dog food and coffee. i work on difficult child.

long story short i wanted to go riding really badly. yet i'm just so swollen so as of yesterday i said it's a no go. than woke up today and said screw it. i wanna go. husband doesn't deal well just like difficult child with change of plans. thank god i dont' have that issue! long story short he says your annoying that your changing plans last min. i'm in this too ya know.
well tha'Tourette's Syndrome all i had to hear ****** i was bigtime. got in truck and had a huge argument i broke down and cried and told him bring me home. which he did. and went to work.

easy child is nasty and difficult appreciates nothing. watched me unload an entire truck full of groceries today and laid in her bed and watched me even as i asked please help me. she's been grounded so she does nothing for no one and is a big witch.

difficult child appreciates zero. i run all day for her, work my butt off even when i'm in pain for whatever she wants and at night she tortures me even when i say hey i don't feel well please stop screaming you took the medications just do your breathing.

husband well you can imagine how disappointed i am in him. i was so very sad to be spending my free day wakling thru supermarket and loading and unloading a truck alone and putting groceries away.

i just feel very unappreciated as of late to a very high extent. granted i'm emotinoal to no end and mite be making more of this. i dont' know i'm too emotional to tell lol. i just dont' get why does my family bite this way. seriously i do all i can for each one yet it's like i'm the matt and their the shoes sorta thing.

i'm like 2 min. away from jumping in my truck and pulling a dss mom move and putting myself upin a hotel for 2 days getting away from all of them and than returning to the mess that will await me and maybe than they'd say oh wow she's really hurting.

like enuf is enuf already is how i feel pretty much with all of them. except my two dogs. love them. simple uncomplicated relationship black and white exactly what i love and thrive within.

 

[Andy]

I am sorry Jena - For years and years I went through the same, "Why can I not have one day for myself?" You really do need it to regenerize. I did do a lot of things for me through organization projects. I loved going to meetings and working on projects. That was my social time, my "out" however, it did not replace my time for "me". A day to just do what I wanted to do.

Are you still home alone tonight? Take a bubble bath "vacation". Set up the bathroom with your favorite fragranted calendar and a wonderful CD of relaxing music. Soak in the bubble and either close your eyes and let everything go or read your favorite book to take you to another place and time.

 

[Jena]

hi

it's that and them, my family. their all just rough in general. today with husband upset me alot and no i'm not alone. kids are both back and home. so i know i'll be flying till at least 2 with difficult child tonight

 

[witzend]

Jena, if you can afford it and you think that you wouldn't sit in the hotel room and stew about how angry you are with them for being so awful, I'd probably do that.

 

[Josie]

Could your mother or someone else come for a few days while you went away somewhere, either with husband or without?

I know she might not do everything for difficult child the way you would like, but sometimes you just have to have a break. difficult child's problems aren't going to change much if you are gone.

At one point, I was really having trouble coping with B's illness and her needs. I was able to get away for a week with husband and it made a huge difference. Somehow, I have not gotten to the breaking point again, even though that was more than a year ago.

 

[Jena]

witz i wish i could. that's why if i did it would be a dss issue lol. no escape here. i have doctor's everyday this week except thanksgiving.

hope yea i asked my mom a bit ago she wont' come out even for day to give me a break. she came out with-my step father one day to visit stayed only 2 hours. i was exhausted so wasnt' up to "entertaining" them. and well their not the type to say lead us to the board games in garage. so i was able to run quick to drop off her medication yet that was it that day.

did i overreact here with what husband said that sent me spiraling? i could possibly of. i've been highly emotional. I just thought it was a carppy thing to say and he could of put more effort into today some thought maybe. like pick a place for lunch if riding wouldn't work, maybe have a plan. i mean come on we are newly married, where is the effort?

 

[HaoZi]

*hugs* Jena. I appreciate you.

 

[nvts]

Ok, a lot cheaper route? Instead of a hotel, go get a therapeutic massage. It'll run you between $50-100 bucks (still cheaper than a hotel for a couple of days), but the relaxation and "spoiling" feels great. I had one about 6 years ago, and I still dwell on it. It only takes about an hour or so, and you can squeeze it in while they're in school.

It svks to feel unappreciated - I can testify to that! Feel better!

Beth

 

[hearts and roses]

I second Beth's suggestion for a therapeutic massage. I get one every year as a gift for my birthday and soooo look forward to it! If I get a bonus from work I sneak in another. I think it's worth every penny.

 

[Star*]

i feel very unappreciated

by my family.

yup it's been a rough rough past few mos. with-o a doubt. and yes i'm stressed, tired, emotional, swollen and reaching my pt. of no return i guess you could say.

funny thing is i say that alot IF YOU ARE HAVING TO REPEAT THIS MORE THAN ONCE? NO ONE IS LISTENING. PERHAPS YOU NEED TO SIT THEM DOWN, GET THEIR ATTENTION AND MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO KEEP SAYING THIS MUCH LONGER. as of late yet always return back to me. i dont' know anymore if that'sa good or bad thing. UM.....BAD, BAD, BAD. THE MORE UNAPPRECIATED YOU ARE THE CRANKIER YOU GET, THE CRANKIER YOU GET, THE WHINIER YOU GET, THE WHINIER YOU GET, THE LESS PEOPLE ARE TAKING YOU SERIOUSLY, AND THEN THE MORE FRUSTRATED YOU GET. KAPISH?

yet i have verbalized to husband and my family how unappreciated i feel as of late. bigtime. (LALALALALAH NOT LISTENING TO YOU.....LOOK UP EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION ON GOOGLE)

today was supposed to be special, an afternoon with husband and i and no kids no difficult child. the day began late bc as usual difficult child was up till 2 a.m. yet again harrassing me, screaming my name i can't sleep etc. driving me insane. (NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE HELPED NECESSARILY) husband and i stayed up past her torment to watch an episode of hells kitchen we'd been dying to see.(DVR IT, AND GET TO BED SO YOU CAN ENJOY YOUR TOMORROW? NOPE YOU CHOSE TO STAY UP AND NOW EVERYONE IS CRANKY BUT YOU ARE TRYING TO RATIONALIZE THIS AND BLAME difficult child TCH TCH TCH) so yea we're pushing the hours bad just to get time together.

and this morning it happens. i fight to get husband and difficult child up. their both cranky. husband runs to get dog food and coffee. i work on difficult child.

long story short i wanted to go riding really badly.(PUTS OUT HANDS LIKE SCALES - JUST LAST NIGHT YOU WANTED TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH husband WHICH IS IT HERE?) yet i'm just so swollen so as of yesterday i said it's a no go.(THIS WAS A GOOD CHOICE FOR YOURSELF YOU ARE TIRED AND STAYED UP LATE, AND SWOLLEN) than woke up today and said screw it.(OH NO, BAD CHOICE FOR YOU) i wanna go. husband doesn't deal well just like difficult child with change of plans.(i SOOOOO GET THAT - DIDN'T HE THINK YOU WERE SPENDING ALONE TIME WITH HIM TODAY?) thank god i dont' have that issue! long story short he says your annoying that your changing plans last min. i'm in this too ya know. (GOTTA GIVE HIM THIS ONE JE' - SORRY BUT)
well tha'Tourette's Syndrome all i had to hear ****** i was bigtime. got in truck and had a huge argument i broke down and cried (AGAIN - THIS IS SOMETHING WHO CAUSED BY CHANGING PLANS? HE'S NOT GOING TO BE SYMPATHETIC, BUT I REALLY DO GET THE i NEED TO RUN AWAY FROM THE MADNESS THING AT THIS POINT AND I WOULDA TRADED THIS NUTSY ENVIRONMENT FOR THE SMELL OF HORSE APPLES TOO - NO REALLY I WOULD HAVE) and told him bring me home. (I WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM TO TAKE ME TO THE BUS STATION) which he did. and went to work.(OKAY now I'M REALLY CONFUSED WEREN'T THE TWO OF YOU SUPPOSED TO SPEND QUALITY TIME ALONE TOGETHER TODAY WITHOUT THE KIDS/ AND YOU ARE TROTTIN' OFF TO BE WITH THE HORSES AND HE'S GOING TO WORK?) AND YOU'RE NEWLEY WEDS? HMMMM

easy child is nasty and difficult appreciates nothing. (well......how appreciated do you think she feels in this house? She's a easy child, she lives with a difficult child, her Mom and Dad are arguing a lot, her Mom is falling apart - so who is she modeling her behavior after? I say this because until I realized how much I was falling apart in MY home - I didn't realize Dude was doing the same thing. And she's a teenager - BLECH... and if she IS watching you unload groceries? I mean TELL HER TO GET UP AND GET HER KIESTER OUT SIDE AND GET A BAG or she can forget eating! I mean it - that's the rule in the house - you wanna eat? You don't buy it? You're butt better be outside helping bring it in, and putting it away!) watched me unload an entire truck full of groceries today and laid in her bed and watched me even as i asked (ASKED MY AUNT ASCOTT - GET UP OFF YOUR REAR END RIGHT NOW AND UNLOAD THIS NOW) please (STOP SAYING PLEASE) help me. she's been grounded (just because she's grounded doesn't mean the world and the house and the life in that house stops nor does chores - she is SO going to get MORE grounding if she doesn't start pitching in) so she does nothing for no one and is a big witch.(being a witch? Her perogative - being it on her own time - YOUR perrogative)

difficult child appreciates zero. i run all day for her,(WELL THEN STOP IT, and see if her butt gets any thinner and you have more time for yourself...DELEGATE) work my butt off even when i'm in pain for whatever she wants (READ THIS RIDICULOUS STATEMENT TO YOURSELF OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER) ---go ahead READ IT - and pretend I'm telling you THIS IS ME AND DUDE..... and at night she tortures me (yeah this would stop or she'd be taken to the psychiatrist or ER and I would say she's a danger to herself or others and left - you wanna keep screwing with me? Fine - HERE's WHAT happens to YOU when YOU do this to me - we get in the car and we take you to the ER and people examine you over and over for your mental health at 2:00 AM and eventually with 10 or so trips in a month SOMEONE from MENTAL health will have you committed to the psychiatric ward or state hospital and you will STAY and I will get some sleep. ) even when i say hey i don't feel well (STOP SAYING THIS THEY DON'T CARE and actually THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY BECAUSE THEN IT MEANS I WIN JUST SHUT UP, PUT YOUR SLIPPERS ON, GRAB YOUR KEYS, PUT HER IN THE CAR AND TAKE HER TO THE ER) please (STOP SAYING PLEASE) stop screaming you took the medications just do your breathing.

husband well you can imagine how disappointed i am in him. THEN COMMUNICATE THIS TO HIM- DO NOT KEEP IT INSIDE - HOW IS HE GOING TO KNOW WHAT TO DO TO CHANGE IF YOU DO NOT TELL HIM??? i was so very sad to be spending my free day (THIS WAS YOUR DAY...WHY WOULD HE EVEN CONSIDER ASKING YOU TO DO THIS WITHOUT THE PROMISE OF ANOTHER FREE DAY FOR YOURSELF? BALONEY THIS IS SELFISH UNLESS YOU BOTH OWN THIS BUSINESS AND THIS WAS PART OF THE RULES WHEN YOU MARRIED) wakling thru supermarket and loading and unloading a truck alone and putting groceries away.

i just feel very unappreciated as of late to a very high extent. granted i'm emotinoal (NO EXCUSES HERE GIRL---YOU FEEL UNAPPRECIATED) to no end and mite (NOPE YOU FEEL UNAPPRECIATED AND NEED TO EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATE THIS TO YOUR FAMILY WITHOUT BEING EMOTIONAL ) be making more of this. i dont' know i'm too emotional to tell lol. i just dont' get why does my family bite this way.(BECAUSE YOU DO IT SO MUCH THEY HAVE STOPPED TAKING YOU SERIOUSLY THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU AND ROLL THEIR EYES AND GO OH LOOK _ THERE GOES MOM .........AGAIN) seriously i do all i can for each one yet it's like i'm the matt and their the shoes sorta thing.

i'm like 2 min. away from jumping in my truck and pulling a dss mom move (BULL THIS IS YOUR HOUSE - STAND YOUR GROUND. EITHER GET SOME COUNSELING AND FIND OUT WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO PULL YOU AND YOUR HOUSE BACK TOGETHER - THERE IS FREE COUNSELING AT EVERY MENTAL HEALTH CENTER IN EVERY COUNTY OR.....GO TO THE LIBRARY, FIND A CHURCH, FIND A SUPPORT GROUP and STOP ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN. TAKE BACK BEING IN CHARGE OF YOU AND YOUR HOUSE. THIS IS NOT difficult child's HOUSE, THIS IS NOT easy child's HOUSE, THIS IS YOUR HOUSE. YES you are TIRED. YES you ARE underappreciated. BUT IN ORDER TO RESTORE ORDER YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT. IN ORDER TO DO THAT YOU ARE GOING TO NEED HELP, NOT CONSTANTLY ASKING PLEASE and WILL YOU STOP? HELL NO they aren't going to stop.....THEY LIKE BEING IN CHARGE, THEY LIKE CHAOS....THEY LIKE DOING AS THEY PLEASE. SO IT IS UP TO YOU TO FIGURE THIS OUT AND RUNNING AWAY (while it sounds romantic) IS NOT AN OPTION) and putting myself upin a hotel for 2 days getting away from all of them and than returning to the mess that will await me and maybe than they'd say oh wow she's really hurting. and no----------they would NOT say OH LOOK POOORRRR MOMMY SHE"s hurting - ish.....they would say....WHAT A WHINER......what a weakling......what a mess of a human. You're hoping for sympathy? Well grab a dictionary honey cause the only place you're going to find it is between X and X........

(I personally hoped for a highway wreck and people gathered at my deathbed-side mourning the Mother they almost lost) thinking OH If I had ONLY behaved....If I had just given her a break. Well you know what? I had a stroke...and you know what was said? " Oh wow.....Can you give me money for the snack machine?" After that?? #)(#)($#)(@+)@!+_$) a bunch of that.



like enuf is enuf already is how i feel pretty much with all of them.(not really.....otherwise you would figure this out kiddo. You would get a counselor, and talk like you hadn't seen a person in like 100 years and you would say I want control of my house, my life, my marriage, my kids and I want it NOW - HELP ME!) except my two dogs. love them. simple uncomplicated relationship black and white exactly what i love and thrive within. (100% agree - have 3 couldn't agree with you more. even the fish are more obedient than the kids) Now that you mention it? If I had given birth to puppies this would all be a non-issue.

Listen - I love you......and I care like you have no idea. OTHERWISE I wouldn't lay it out like I did.....but falling apart and running away and HOPING and wishing that they'll see you are falling apart? NOT GONNA HAPPEN NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. Naught ah. (shakes head and purses lips) You don't need to say a word. Actually (raises eye brows) the LESS you say at this particular junction in it all - the mo' better you are going to be. Ask once - no response - LEAVE IT. Stop DOING it ALL - See what happens. Do for you - and husband - and when it comes to the kids? Let THEM figure it out. Ask yourself what is the absolute worst that can happen if you stop doing their laundry, cooking for them, cleaning their rooms, I mean make a list mentally of all the things you can TRULY stop doing for them. DO you buy them nice shampoo and stuff? Stop it - Start going to the dollar store. Really think on this. Do you get them clothes from the mall? Start going to the Salvation Army - Do you have a chore list? Post it - It doesn't get done? GROUND THEM. Stick to it.....

But most importantly - POST house rules, consequences and rewards. Then find a good therapist.....and MAKE SURE you get 1 night a week ALONE with husband - period NO EXCUSES on either his or your part. And I mean what I said about difficult child screaming and controlling you at night - LOAD up and head to the ER. No talking - NO threats.....Just load up, tell them you feel she is a threat to herself and others - GET HER A ROOM and LEAVE her.

These kids wear us to the bone. No shame in getting a few days rest. Maybe she does need a medications tweak. How would you know? You're worn out. Let pro's figure her out. And I'm telling you this because this is the kind of crud Dude used to pull on us - and after a while even HE got tired of hauling himself to the ER - He'd just stay in his room, watch TV....draw, color - I mean if you can't go to sleep that's one thing but bust in on me screaming? YOU GOTTA BE NUTS......so off to the nut hut we'll go. Know what I mean??

I love ya girl.

Take care - and go find what ya can on effective communication.

Hugs & Love '
Star
​

 

[crazymama30]

I second what star said, and star, you said it so well.

Jena, you have got to do some of these things. Now I am not always good at them either, but when my kiddos treat me like dog doo, which they do, then I do not do nice things for them.

 

[Josie]

Star has some good points, but I am not sure about the ER visits in this situation.

If it is your plan to go to Oregon after the holidays, why wait? That would give difficult child some specific, focused help, by people experienced with her very issue, 24/7. When difficult child is better, there will be less strain in the family and more ability to cope with other things. You will get a break because you won't be the only one responsible for difficult child. She'll have nurses, doctors, therapists. You won't be there fighting with husband and easy child but you won't have just escaped, you will have gone off to do something that will help difficult child.

Whatever you do, you need to find some way to get some real time for yourself. Maybe get a babysitter to come be with difficult child for a few hours a week. Even if she isn't eating during that time, it will help all of you if you have a break and more coping ability then. When the tutor starts coming, you might be able to use that time. When I had the tutor come last year, the tutor wanted to provide a break for me as well as tutor my daughter.

For the babysitter, you might be able to find a mature teen or college student that would be fun and a social outlet for difficult child.

 

[busywend]

Don't be a martyr. If you are not being treated the way you wish to be treated, YOU must change this.

What does Oprah say, "We teach others how to treat us." or something like that. You are the teacher, so show them how you wish to be treated. Harder with a difficult child, I know.

 

[ML]

My counselor told me when I felt this way it was because I wasn't taking care of myself enough in some way. Only I could change this. It's sooo hard. Understanding hugs xo

 

[DammitJanet]

Star is dead on, straight on right.

I cant tell you how many times my therapist has said the same basic things to me about how the more I complain and scream and yell at my family about how badly I feel, and how much I think they dont appreciate me, and I think they should do more for poor me in my condition...they simply hear the teacher in Charlie Brown. Waw, waw waw.

They have heard it so many times that it makes no impact on them.

The only thing that actually sinks in is when I change my behavior and how I react to other people. If no one wants to help me carry groceries in the house, I dont go shopping. Makes it so much simpler. If no one wants to wash dishes, I use paper plates.

I refuse to wash anyones clothes but mine and Keyana's. I stopped when they were 12 years old.

 

[Jena]

hi

been too busy all day long to come online and read all of these. lol.

went to doctor this morning because I HAd a bad bad night with-legs, ice cold feet, shotting pains etc. long story short went there and well he said make neuro appointment earlier please! he said there are no other blood tests i can run. it's either ms, or a bone or joint disease. he said also you gotta head to rheumatologist. he gave me medication for the swelling though so im more functional.

as far as what star wrote STAR I READ IT AT 1 A.M. AS I SAT IN THE BATHROOM IN PAIN LOL. I know what your saying yet here's the deal, called a therapist already 2x waiting on a cb for both husband and i to go together, also waiting on a referral for me to go alone. just need to vent somewhere, anywhere. so that's been in the works and trust me i HAVE ALOT TO SAY!! you know me.

i'm awesome at boundaries always have been. i'm not one of those poor me moms. screw them is my attitude. yet at end of day let's be logical. I CAN'T NOT FOOD SHOP BECAUSE easy child IS AN ****. I just took your advice wrote up a chore sheet that will be hitting fridge tonight. it's hard to give difficult child chores in state she is in yet i think i'm going to give a small one.

easy child is a witch when she wants to be and trust me when that child would not get up to help me. oh no you little brat. so this a.m. she woke me up for lunch money i usually put it on her dresser at night for her. she buys it in cateria. i said to her this morning oh you want money from me and laughed. GO PACK YOUR LUNCH. she was like are you kidding i'm a senior etc. i said maybe you'll remember that the next time you want to sit on your lazy butt when i'm needing help.

difficult child well yea it's hard wtih her. yet last night i went into rm and said listen i get you can't sleep and i am sorry yet i need my sleep so i can function tmrw. so here's the deal draw, write, clean your room there's an idea yet don't wake me at all. I WENT TO BED.

husband is husband. he was mad at me for yelling at him yesterday he said i was rough on him always am, etc. he's tired of it. he does his best. so i made peace yet told him i get your schedule is hard he works everyday from 9 till 12 5 days a week. only day we see him is monday and wednesday than we have his kid here too. he spends most of his night monday carting his 3 kids to diff activities they have and isn't even here for dinner, coooks it yet than has to leave.

I told him we have zero time so we are falling apart now. so monday and wednesday kids in bed by 9 than we have 3 hours till midnight to hang out. i said the other nights i'll make a schedule yet i am not sitting up till 3 anymore to make you happy and being swollen and in pain the next day. sorry you chose what you do as a profession yet i need my sleep and that's that. so i don't want to her anymore complaining about your lack of you know what etc.

so, that's as most damage control i can do for today. dryer broke again. so husband is headed to laundromat. again. as far as me time goes. aint' happening anytime soon.

STAR i laughed when i read what you wrote. i calmly pulled your PINK boot out of my ass, got a grip and moved forward THANKS!!!

 

[Jena]

as far as communication goes, i calmly told husband how i felt by the way. he didn't care lol. he was like i took off work to take you to lunch you change your mind about what you want to do like 5 times so i tell you hey it's annoying. well it is. he said your overly sensitive have way too much giong on so you blow your stack get mad, cry and all for what because i said to you hey it's annoying to change plans 5 times on me?! He said you asked 4x to go home i brought you home period. he said by 4th time i was like clearly this is where she wants to go. i said yea i'd rather go home than sit and aruge with-you out somewhere.

easy child is a rough kid, she's with that kid again and well it is what it is. she ran away one time like 3x in a row and i keept calling cops and pulling her back. she is a diff person when with him. ok my head hurts, it's funny i used to be great at this parenting thing well good. and now it's like let me just get to the finish line and get them outta here. love them yet cant' wait till their grown. so unlike me used to love this mom junk. it's probably just all the pressure of difficult child's thing

 

[Star*]

Jena -

What I see between the lines (and by the way my boots were gray; although thinking about pink boots being a shoe- hoo (ask Mstang) I must say, did excite me - see picture from Bob Evans - 3" heels - lol) is a Mom who is ....lemme start over. What I think I see (okay I'm better with that lead in) What I think I see is a woman, a HIGH achiever who is used to doing tops, well, good, never less than almost the best. (Am I close?) All your life I would venture to say that anything and everything you have given a go at you have been VERY successful with. Not perfect, but you have always had a sense of self satisfaction that either you have achieved BETTER than most on some to all levels or you HAVE been TOPS in your class. I'm not saying smarter per se, but I am saying resourceful, clever, wit beyond compare, able to figure it out, doubtless in your abilities no matter WHAT the task. Your life has been a series of fearless endeavors. NOTHING you've tried except for maybe a few things you absolutely did not enjoy have ever fallen short of at least way better than everyone elses attempts. And the word CAN'T doesn't exist in your vocabulary. (Am I close still?) No need to answer I'm just hypothosizing (and not spelling that word worth a hang)

So here you are, maybe a little unsure of yourself after your last relationship/marriage/baby daddy (omg I hate that word) but lets face facts. These men did nothing for our self-esteem and WE ALLOWED IT to happen. Then? Then we did nothing to fix ourselves. We just floated along in life thinking things like "If I'm away from him and find a nice guy, this will go away." Falacy #1. "If I get a weeks worth of counseling and read a book or two like women are from Mars and most men are from Pluto?" I'll have a handle on relationships and this won't happen again." Falacy #2. If I meet another guy who is almost the way I want I can change him with love and time. OH LORD falacy #3. And this snowball effect from our suitcased and mostly baggaged past drags into our present and wears us down so much that when little things happen in UTOPIA? We start blaming ourselves and taking ALL THE CREDIT for all the BAD and silently try to fix these things and in the MEAN TIME? We fall apart physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - and eventually we explode!!! Then everyone in the house doesn't take us seriously and the louder we yell, complain, or sulk or retreat or blow up? The LESS anyone in our lives sees us as the rock that we once were. From here? It (our lives) crumble faster and faster - some of us may start drinking, binge grazing, being resentful, turn our entire lives into our work - OM do you know that I used to CRY when I got in the car on the way home from work because I didn't want to go home. I mean it was like....((((THANK YOU))) because for 8 hours NO ONE could bother me and then? AND THEN? HOLY SHEET CAKES.....the frosting hit the mixer and after everyone left the kitchen it was good old Mom who already worked 8 hours, plus got up 2 hours early to catch up with everything else - who cleaned up all the fall out.

I hated coming home. HATED IT - I didn't hate my family - I just hated the thought of coming home. TO THEM.....Can you imagine? I used to try to think of ways to stay out - Errands, grocery, I think I had a love affair going on with Staples copy shop, and man could I copy things and collate slow....ly. But then I started thinking - I never see DF, or Dude. Part of me didn't care. But (sadly and admittedly) I missed my dogs. When I told my therapist this? I figured I'd get gasps of how horrible I was. Nope...HOW NORMAL ARE YOU instead. Then WHY didn't I want to be there. What could NOT JUST ME - but EVERYONE do to make it better. I mean it wasn't just me, but a LOT of it WAS me. I wasn't happy and not just health wise because well, my health was crud....but I had so much leftover junk in my head that I had never dealt with it spilled into my relationship with DF, and while I had always been a HIGH achiever my whole life I had to RE=Learn how to accept that it was OKAY that I couldn't fix ANYTHING situational.....but I could fix myself. Busywend is right. We teach others how to treat others by how we treat ourselves. (I think that's how it is or at least should be). And not just bubble bath and stuff like that.....and it doesn't happen over night it takes years. And it doesn't happen without help - IT TAKES LOTS OF HELP and intervention.

You have a tough situation. You are not physically well. That alone is very emotionally draining. Then you have a new marriage - and that's tough as nails you two are still learning about each other. You have a business, kids - and one of them is a dreaded teen, PLUS PLUS....a girl (AHHHHHHHH RUN FOR THE HILLS) and then you are blessed with a difficult child who has emotional, eating, and who knows what else problems and honey - YOU ARE DOING THE BEST THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO DO - but what..WHAT is the shame in learning more? Like my therapist asked me.......WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW to fix this when all the psychiatrists and doctors and counselors that have seen your kid so far have NO CLUE how to 'fix' him or even stablize him?" At this juncture in your life Star you need to first take care of you. This sets a much larger stage for your family because once you learn to take care of YOU first? You gain self-respect. If you have no self respect you have no control in your house, no way to have this without this because if you can't respect yourself no one else will either." So we worked on that for years. No joke. I laughed and thought - I do tooo I have control of my house I pay the bills, I shop, I clean I.....I......I can be replaced by a maid. I got rid of 40 some years plus of baggage too. Things I had no idea bugged me. NONE...zip, nada. I went through all past relationships and boyfriends and husband and wow - it was awful. But when I was done? When I was done I felt free. I had a clear vision of what I would and WOULD NOT tolerate. Talk about drawing boundaries. Not just IN my home, but in my life, in a store - heck even today in the vets office. I grew a voice and you can bet that now? If you do something that I don't like or won't tolerate? YOU HEAR about it NOW......not after it festers. I have no more tolerance for festering and GOD is it liberating to NOT waste time on junk like that. I wish I had 1 1/10 of my life back wasted on festering, grudges, vengeance. 1 1/10. Even with my son. The things I kept my mouth shut on? I stopped immediately. I stopped saying WILL YOU PLEASE......and started saying STOP IT NOW. END OF CONVERSATION. I stopped explaining WHY - I didn't add any cutesy little Because I'm the Mom....It was just SO....period. I said it-----that was it. DONE. Get used to the Mom I wish I had been YOUR whole life because she's here to stay. And SHE IS IN CHARGE.

I'm never going to be the type of Mom in life that I was office manager. Or I'm never going to learn being a Mom as good as I was a horseback rider....I mean I felt at that? I excelled, I was a natural. I got on a horse like I was BORN there. I took to it like a horse takes to sweet feed. But with Mothering? OMG i struggled and scrapped and seems I fought it every step of the way when it should have been something 'natural', wonderful....fun.....and it wasn't. It was hard, miserable most days, long, exhausting, and almost never felt like I accomplished anything. Then as he got older I figured well he'll grow out of it? He just got worse and I adjusted my dreams even more and eventually joined the ranks of the detach=ment 101. Thinking nope, nope, nope....not me Oh no I will never be one of THEM......and here I am. Adjusting before insanity takes whats left of my heart (and bank account)

I don't say ANY of this to make you feel less, or unfit or here's what YOU should do because. I'm saying this because YOU ARE a FANTASTIC Mom. You are a fantastic person, a wonderful wife....and you have a good soul, brilliant mind and you seek constantly for answers. This alone if I knew nothing about you? Puts you head and shoulders above - and you have a huge heart. But you can not simply continue to do this alone. And you can't do it from reading a little bit here, or there - or from just what I say....(Lord don't I wish -roflmeverything off) If I hadn't had a therapist? I'd be a nutjob - whackadoodle, on my third pair of state bed and breakfast maxi-pad craft class slippers for christmas gifts and finger paint set. (not kidding) Speaking of craft class.......Dammit Janet has a point - PAPER PLATES RULE. You can serve on them and make so many things out of them. frisbees...masks....snowshoes.

It's my hope that something in here makes you understand that you're not a failure just because you can't fix THIS or that or this and her, and him and you, and them over there.......and ------everything in between. It's not a getting older thing, it's not a you're all washed up, used to be able to do it all thing and now you're married and can't thing...it's a THIS IS SO FLEEKING HUGE you for the first time in your life HAVE GOT TO ACCEPT OUTSIDE HELP in a HUGE way......and get used to being okay with that and other strange things....like possibly accepting the lights in the sky DID drop your kid inthe backyard (remember those green and blue lights now and that strange noise)????/// Huh? HUH???.....runs to take another pill....I mean HEY.....IT DID HAPPEN.........but no one told me there was a bust the next street over I just assumed it was aliens.......and Dude was swapped. (maybe one more pill huh?)

Just sayin' -------m k?

The shame in any of this is NOT accepting help and trying to continue to do this all on your onesies.....just tell yourself. I just need a little assistance for a while.....and when I get my house, self, and spirit in order? I shall let the assistant go. (kinda like Trump but more humble)

OMG you should see the pink boots on Overstock.com.......MY MY MY MY MY................oh MSTANG!!!!!!!! shooooooe hoooooooe.

J - you hang in there and think about all this - and find yersef' (yep I sed yersef) a free therapist - I mean you can do it~ If you can't do it for yourself pretend like you are getting services for a familes Mom that really needs help and don't give up until you do get someone for 'her' Know what I mean?? Worry about everyone else - LATER.....

Hugs for your rheumy -
Love ya
Starbie

 

[Jena]

I WANT HELP AM GOOD WITH HELP!! BRING IT ON!!! PLEASE PLEASE UNCLE, UNCLE!!

All kidding aside i read what you wrote and began crying at my easy child. than took the crying party into my favorite room yes the BATHROOM!! husband returned from some kid drop off and said wtf happened now?? hmm nothing just this really cool woman who loves pink donkeys and apparently has grey boots nailed me like no one else. How'd she do that he said? Too long to explain

so, yup your right, as far as jobs go i've always excelled in just about any job i've ever taken. had so many in diff field because i LOVE so many things........ so many. and yea you know me i've shared my **** last marriage yup your right and now this one im like hmm i've smelled this before!! LOL. time to FIX IT! FIX difficult child, FIX easy child, FIX DOGS. Nope i'm going to fix me. i didn't know i was broken though that's the sad part of it.

i want help STAR OH WISE ONE soo bad. i want my mom to come out for a day, she wont' to just be with-difficult child so i can go run errands go food shopping, i'd LOVE a friend here that I could say hey wanna have coffee yet guess what don't have any....... why i dont' know i used to have a ton of friends in queens where i used to live. his ex killed it for me here.

anyway, yea i'm heading to therapy for me. maybe the dad thing too bugged me more than i'd like to admit also. i would absolutely love to be able to sit with-someone and pay them to listen to me vent away my **** also would give everyone here a reprieve for a bit.

i have all these ppl supposedly TO HELP the refeeding therapist i found, the regular therapist for her i found, than the hospital ppl for medical part of it, than the psychiatric for medications. yet all of them seem i don't know not always that helpful at times. i expect alot from them and well feel frustrated when i or difficult child doesnt' get all that i feel should come from them.

i need to go to therapy to vent, get my junk out, have someone help me find me again i feel sooo lost in all this the past years from one trauma to another. i need to find out where my boundaries lie again, for me personally with-it all kids, etc.

i too love horses, it's my sanity. getting on that horse, running fast it just makes me feel alive again and like me. its probably the only time i am one with me. i want to buy one and attach it to the backyard railing yet husband told me that wouldn't work lol. i gotta find a way to make myself feel that way everyday again. loosing the ability to work has really killed me. i think i lost sense of self on that area too. i found it hard to juggle all yet that feeling of accomplishment, being able to complete a project, fix a kid a problem a family gave me that sense of worth i lack in my own home. sad yet true.

ok enough ramblings. star your the best, you really got me there crying alot. i dont' feel insulted or even crazy i just feel very touched that you would take the time to write all of that to me. it's not often ppl touch me, animals do ALL the time, yet ppl not so much anymore. YOU made a difference.

i'm sorry for all you went thru too with dude, with it all. yet you have lived a life, struggled, survived, grown, and smiled and laughed alot i'm sure. your a good good person. love you too! thanks so much. and by the way i'm also scheduling my mri for when i WANT TO not waiting till it works in difficult child's schedule between tutors and doctor's. i want to feel happy in this home again and in me regardless of the craziness and get it under control.

Also crazy thing is i did the therapy thing 2x in my life BIG (after exh and I; I cleaned that all up), i took the time, took the rose colored glasses off a few years ago again (dad junk) and really faced some hairy demons, came out the other side and was really really proud of myself for doing it. I guess I missed a few sessions??

(((Hugs)))

 

[Star*]

Jena -

You said I nailed you in the bathroom. (mmmmm...hmmm.......) just sayin'. (OH I KNOW BEEEEEEEEEhave) ----------->corner sheesh.

You know I went to therapy before I left my X. To try to describe in words to anyone this monster isn't possible. I did, I couldn't, there was no failure in that. He simply walks in circles not of this world. How could I ever begin to explain that to anyone being a normal person? When I felt like I had fallen short of my descriptions? Or that the therapist had gotten "all she needed to know" about HIM and "Fixed me" from him? I stopped going. Huge mistake. But then again? Not. See I went to thearapy for 15 years. (OH I KNOW LONG TIME HUH?) But when I think back I can't think back - it's like *poof* time just went - well - *poof*. I saw the first counselor and remember this was when cell phones first came out. I was talking about being beaten nearly to death - I had been drug up and down a flight of stairs by my hair, on my face, on my back and beaten over and over (I was 119 lbs he was 250) had bones broken and the police asked me why I made him angry. I was in the middle of telling her how he was jumping up and down on my chest with his knee and I see her checking her CELL PHONE. OMg...it was like telling me - YOU.DO.NOT.MATTER. This is bogus - this is a waste - you are a waste and all the feelings of the same nature that I felt with my x - came rushing back in and I felt at that moment like garbage again.

So why WOULD I continue with thearapy? I mean if THIS is what it was? WHY would ANYONE pour their heart out for (oh lemme check and see if I got a call). So I went to another woman after speaking with a friend who told me NO that was wrong. Well - okay if you say so. So I go to the next woman and - I YI YI......I wanted a person who was knowledgeable about the scriptures - I mean I had questions that overlapped my life. So I get this woman and the next thing I know I'm being judged - and YEOW........(runs outta there like my knickers were flaming - not even an exaggeration) - coulda grabbed a fire extinguisher on the way out - 10bc for hazmat cause LORD I WAS TOXIC - ......

So now I'm thinking - WHT? I must be the devils own for leaving this man that beats me ----so finally I stumbled on this man that was supposed to be like the best of the best - and then (laughing) I couldn't afford him. WONDERFUL. So I cleaned his offices in lieu of payment. I saw him for about 2.6 years. Then I got so involved with Dudes life - I stopped and the man retired and we all started seeing Dudes thearapist who is phenominal. Saw him for like the last 7 years I think maybe 8. Yeah that man got to places in my life about adoption, childhood, parents, boyfriends, why this, why that - and you know - ALL THAT just does NOT (oh and sister too) happen over a year or a two year period. I mean 8 years....every week twice a week. Three times when Dude was living at home. WORTH EVERY TRIP. In 8 years I think I may have missed 2 appointments. But the stuff that we talked about in my life was ALL ABOUT MY LIFE. Like Philo dough - layer by thin layer by thin layer - peeling it back session after session and him giving me things to work on week after week - It was quite a transformation. The things that I let go of that I KNEW I had held on to were one thing, but the things that I let go of that I had NO IDEA I had a hold on from infancy - and toddler, childhood - INCREDIBLE how it forms your opinions, tastes, thoughts, all the mapping of your mind......and then there you are 37 ish and talking about when you were 3,4,5 and you remember things you haven't thought about for 40 years and WOW - is THAT why I do this....and THAT and OMG.....is that why I had such a hard time in school, and felt this way and that way and STILL feel like that? And can't say NO to this or that?
I mean I'd leave there each time and just feel like skipping - (a good thing too ) but mostly I just felt free. Unincumbered by ghosts of my past and feelings of being inadequate. I mean I was and always have been a very strong willed person but NOTHING like I am now. And of course I was opinionated - but easily bullied. Not now. I can speak my mind....and will and matters not to whom. I have always stood up for people my whole life so that didn't change - but what changed is HOW I react TO the people I stand up to. I'm not confrontational - I'm explainational.

I'm not extra smart or anything else. If anything? I just started listening. I mean don't get me wrong - you talk to me in a conversation? I can talk - and talk and talk and well you get the idea...my brain goes about 100 times faster than my mouth ever could....and I'm not ADD or anything close - I just think light speed....but NOW Im an active listener who knows it is okay just to be herself. But I had to FIND me - and improve me.....and purge a TON of junk in that warehouse of a brain of mine (with therapy help) before I had room for the good stuff. I replaced doubt, and anger, and loathe, revenge and all the other bad stuff with - empty shelves, shred all the other stuff (EMDR therapy helped that) and now I'm filling it with good things. May sound nuts to anyone else, but it doesn't matter to anyone but me - I know what I want to put on the shelves in my mind. Not what I had there for the first 45 years. And you can do this but it takes time. And it takes support, and it takes being well mentally and physically.

And good on you for the scheduling of the MRI. (snort) when I went in for mine as they slipped me into the tunnel I asked for an 8x10 glossy of my brain. When the booth asked me WHAT I was asking for ...I repeated "Can you see my brain?" and they said "Yes." I said "Good can you make me an 8x10 glossy print? I'd love to show it to my Mom because after I got married all I remember her saying was do you HAVE a brain in that head of yours? I'd like to show her proof that I do."

yeah - good stuff.......

OM just found MORE pink boots.........I looooooooathe overstock.com.

Hugs & Love Dear - What you do for yourself? You ultimately do for your family.