I HATE being his mom

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bugsy, Aug 25, 2007.

  1. Bugsy

    Bugsy New Member

    There I said it. I HATE BEING HIS MOM! I hate it more than i can say!! I know it is politically incorrect but so what. On a good day it stinks and on a bad day it is pure h-ll. I am exhausted just from the minute to minute dealings. Thank g-d he has not been raging but nothing is easy or "normal". We went to a neighbors' get together and even though there was no incident I am exhausted from the energy level, constant talking, in everybodies face, obsessive behavior and plain old weird stuff, etc. EVERY other person could sit, relax, eat, talk and enjoy but not me. I am embarrassed by his behaviors and HATE having to deal with it.

    By the time I am done with meetings at school, doctor appointments, dealing with the pharmacy, insurance, Occupational Therapist (OT) appointments, reading books, thinking through strategies, putting medications together, planning how and when I will get anything done etc etc etc and most of all DEALING with him I AM EXHAUSTED, WIPED OUT, FRUSTRATED, ANNOYED, ANGRY, SAD, AND SIMPLY TICKED OFF.

    I am sick of being grateful for things like no rages, he only cried for 1 hour, yeah he didn't break anything in his room, we got through shopping etc.

    I love him (more than words can ever express), have much sympathy, empathy and will keep doing EVERYTHING that needs to be done, but I HATE it!!!!! It is a horrible life sentence and it controls every single second of our lives.

    Thanks for listening.
    Bugsy's mom
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Sweetie, you said out loud what I am sure MANY of us think. Well, you wrote it out loud anyways.

    I know I think it often.

  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    :cry: Yep!!!!!!!! A horrible life sentence! I agree! I wish, pray, and hope that somehow, someday will be different - for all of us!
    May you take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone, and that any one of us, on any given day, feels the same way as you do.
    Peace and Hugs......and may tonight be at least one of the nights you are thankful for silence.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    My heart breaks for you and for all of us. Some days it's hard to even focus on the positive. I'm having one of those days myself. I'm sick and run down so that's probably why. I just ran out of fight. But the good thing is that tomorrow is another day and hopefully we'll rekindle the hope in our spirit. I'm thinking of you and sending big hugs. MicheleL
  5. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I know what you're saying. Truly do. The reason everyone here knows my "difficult child" as Dylan and not difficult child is because back when I came here, I disliked him so much I refused to refer to him as a "gift" from anything. So, his name is Dylan.

    That was a couple of years ago. We've made alot of progress since then.

    Dylan's psychiatrist has made it very clear to me, time and time again, that this is something that is the long haul. Mood disorders are life long diseases that don't go away, even with medicine.

    The advice given to me as of late has been to a) make sure I get respite b) take breaks when I can c) ignore some of the behaviors that make me angry and d) keep him plenty busy with outdoor activities that wipe him out.

    I've done all those things, and it has made ME healthier.

    Your son won't improve if you are frustrated, angry, exhausted, wiped out, mad, ticked off, whatever. I know, it's hard NOT to be, and I have so been there done that. My son used to rage 3 hours at a time. You're not talking to someone that doesn't "get it".

    Try to get some "me" time. I know at times it's impossible to do (been there done that also), but IF you can, take it.

    Hugs :flower:
  6. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Oh Hon, MOST of us have been there or ARE there. It IS a life sentence, actually. The poor children are suffering more than we are......or do they not know they are? Each morning I awaken thinking this could be a better day, but it seldom is. I try SO hard to forsee anything that will embarrass any of us or whatever, but that's really hard. For the most part, we just don't go anywhere....not even family events. I can't take it. I'm also not sure he'll ever be able to live on his own, so we may have this behavior for the long haul. We all know you love your difficult child, but it IS difficult, to say the least.

    I, too, am sick of doing EVERYTHING for difficult child, but by the time the day is over I'm so tired FROM doing everything in his name, that I can't even DO for me. It seems like we eat, live, breathe.....all of difficult child problems.

    My difficult child had his first "real" rage about a week ago. In the past all of his rages were more like severe temper tantrums lasting about 30 min. The "rage" he had last week lasted 2 1/2 hours and all I could do was sit there with my mouth hanging open thinking....OMG, here we go with the REAL thing. It's scary and exhausting.......and I've cried buckets and buckets of tears. Too bad it did nothing but make my eyes red.

    You vent all you want. We understand and walk in your shoes.
  7. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    My dear friend--

    I am sorry you are feeling so exhuasted and frustrated today. It is not fair that you need to spend your life taking care of your little boy--Go ahead and SCREAM and YELL on thie board--Maybe it will make you feel better.

    Sending great big hugs-- :kisses:wishing you a better tomorrow--Try and do something for you --
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I've always loved my daughter. She is truly the child of my heart and soul. However, there have been times when I truly didn't like her. Her behavior was so over the top and so against everything I believed in I had to remind myself that I did in fact love her, that she needed help, that much of what she was doing was not within her control and that which she could control was overwhelmed by her impulses and her anger. I hated losing my friends, my love, my family but it was lose them or lose her. It caused resentment. It took me a good therapist to help me overcome my own anger and resentment. It was not the life I had foreseen when adopting her.

    One thing my therapist taught me was to make sure I found time for me. That meant I got up 30 minutes earlier than usual so I could sit and read or do some needlepoint. He also insisted I take a walk every evening no matter what the weather. It was amazing what a difference doing those two things made in my perspective. I had more patience, was more forgiving, was much less depressed and angry.

    In the meantime, know that we understand. I doubt there is anyone here who hasn't been in your shoes. HUGS
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    We truly are here for you and understand... I wish none of us could understand! But unfortunately we do... I was just sitting here thinking, "Does K ever stop" She hasn't raged today but she hasn't stopped and she is unable to do anything by herself... she is up then down then up then back down... never fullfilled, never satisfied... never enough!!! I am exhausted from trying to keep her from getting SO close to manic... or too depressed... in my face all day.

    I really do understand... hugs. I HATE our situation.
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Many of us can relate. There are many times I don't like my difficult child-love yes-like no. I've learned to truly celebrate the little things with difficult child. As others have said "me" time is essential. I work out a ton-part is for me physically the other part is it is a huge stress release to me. I also love to escape in a good book.

    I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Hugs.
  11. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    You're not alone in how you feel! Thank God for this site so you can vent and no one here is going to judge you for it! It's freeing and it helps to know you have a place you can go and truly be yourself!
  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I understand. Completely. So many times I've felt resentful of difficult child for taking so much out of me that I had no time or energy for easy child, friends or myself.

  13. heavenhelpme

    heavenhelpme New Member

    I'm sorry that times are so frustrating right now.

    It truly is H*LL on earth. I love my difficult child with all my heart, but there are days I have to force myself to look him in the eyes. It is a very draining "job" to raise a difficult child.

    I send tons of emotional strength your way!!!!
  14. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Dear Bugsy, I understand exactly how you feel, because I don't understand how it is so very, very hard to be a mother to my son. I'm sure that you never expected that being a mother would be so tiring, and difficult, and totally exhausting, and neither did I. We all understand how you feel, and you are definitely not alone in your struggle, I am sending you lots of hugs for a better day tomorrow.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hey, been there done that!!!!
    There is a diff between loving and liking. I understand completely.
    And I agree with-others here that you have to take care of yourself. And also, that some behaviors must be overlooked. That was one of the hardest things for me to learn. One of the things I gave up was having my difficult child look nice every day. He usually picks out his own clothes (this, after we took away all his clothes, and issued them daily, like when you're in prison) and he actually knows how to color coordinate. However, he still does weird things like wear swim trunks in the winter, instead of long pants, and no socks. He comes back in the house 20 min. later complaining and I just point to the long pants and socks and walk away, LOL! It has done a lot for my peace of mind.
    Sometimes when it gets me down, that part about a life sentence, I put it out of my mind and stare at the wall. Really. It used to be that when he was stalling, taking 1/2 hr to brush his teeth because a) he knew it bugged me, and b) he didn't want to go to bed, I'd have a fit. But now I find that magic spot on the wall, cross my arms over my chest, and wait. Oh, also, I don't look at him. It helps him to know he doesn't have an audience.
    I just let my mind float somewhere. (Maybe it's called "disengaging." I don't know, LOL!)
    Good luck! And don't worry about typing your thoughts. It helps to vent. And we all know how you feel.
  16. On_Call

    On_Call New Member


    I cannot believe that there is anyone who has found themselves on this board that has not found themselves thinking, probably verbatim, what you have typed.

    I love my difficult child (and easy child) with all my heart and would do anything for either of them. However . . . . it is entirely and thoroughly exhausting (complete understatement) doing what we do everyday. Everything is a struggle with difficult child some days from waking up to getting dressed to eating - right up to getting back into bed at night.

    I think that I have tried so hard to learn to detach from it that I find myself sometimes completely detached from everything. I am trying to learn "selective detachment", which I have decided may be virtually impossible.

    You are definitely not alone. Know that. I know that in our everyday existance it can seem that way. I am sure if I told anyone at work some of the things I have admitted on this Board they would think that I had snapped.

    Hugs to you. Try to get some respite, if you can.
  17. Bugsy,

    We're all in there with you! I don't think that any of us willingly signed on for this. I often think to myself that God knew what he/she was doing because if difficult child had been #1, there would not have been a #2!

    I think it is really important to take care of yourself first and foremost. I try to find islands of peace and sanity for myself whenever/wherever I can. Remember, first and foremost, this is not your fault. We're all born as we are and those around us respond as they will. Make it easier on yourself so that it can be easier on everyone else.

    It has really helped me to throw away all of the "shoulds" that were in my mind. They are gone now, so much so that I dare to say my entire reality has shifted. We don't go a lot of the places where we used to go, and we don't do a lot of the things we used to do. They just don't work anymore, and it's easier to do the things that do work. And, we've learned to love the things that we can do.

    By the same token, I don't have the same expectations, hopes and dreams for difficult child as I had for easy child. I'm working on having the ones that are right for both him and me. That alone has been incredibly liberating!

    Most of all, be kind to yourself !
  18. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I just want to let you know that I, also totally understand how you feel!!! I can't wait until my difficult children no longer have to live with me!!!

    I'm so exhausted by the end of the day, I usually fall asleep the minute my head hits the pillow.

    I agree with the others who said, that, if at all possible, you need to take a bit of "me" time every day. I excercise at least five days out of the week. I find that this helps me more than anything else.

    As someone else already said, I do what works best for my family. I don't worry about or care about what others think. I've learned to let lots of stuff go in one ear and out the other.

    I agree. No one should have to live like we do. It definitely is H@LL on earth!!!

    I wish I had something positive to say about raising difficult children. Unfortunately, I truly don't.

    So, until the day when they no longer have to live in my house, I'm just wishing for an empty nest...WFEN
  19. Bugsy

    Bugsy New Member

    Thank you so much for all of the support. In some sick way there is some comfort knowing that there are others who understand even though I would never wish this on anyone.

    It has come to the sad point that even when things are "calm", atleast what seems calm for our house, I think how much easier it would be if he never had been. What an awful thought and sad way to live for him and us. Obviously he does not know anything more than we love him and hopefully he will not know the truth that there are so many nights I wish he never was.

    I did not grow up religious but we send our children to a jewish day school (that has been teriffic) but the confusing thing is we promote faith, good morals, believe in g-d and so on. If there is truly a g-d how could this happen? How could he make us suffer like this? The school teaches that we are all here with some sort of purpose (mission). What could my purpose be, to be miserable, broke, angry, famililess, friendless and sad?

    May everybody find strength, happiness and calm,
    Bugsy's Mom
  20. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I am not religious either. I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, and in AA we follow a spiritual program.

    In this program I have learned:

    God does not DO these things to anybody. This is life. There is good and bad in life. God does not control it. What He does do, is help you get through it. There is nothing that this life dishes out that I cannot get through with God's help.

    Some people get dealt a better hand than others. It stinks, but it is life on life's terms. While I agree with you that there are times that I wish I wasn't her mom, overall I have come to accept it. Now, accepting it and liking it are mutually exclusive. Which is why while I do accept it, there are still times I wish that it were another way!

    We have not control over anybody or anything in this life. We cannot make anybody change. Ever. The only thing we have control over is how WE act, or react to another person. Over time, I've tried to become more active and less reactive. It lowers your blood pressure, anxiety, and stress level.

    I too am broke, sick, single mom, jobless, struggling, and can be homeless at a moment's notice. I accept that. And I do the best I can with it. Do I think that I was destined to be this way? No. As long as I am constantly moving forward, I am happy. Progress, not perfection.