I have decided to petition son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by karisma, Jun 20, 2016.

  1. karisma

    karisma Member

    I have decided to petition my son. Actually it won't be me doing it, a very good friend of mine works for the place where the police will take him, the hospital, once a judge signs the order. She has asked me several times to do this and I have always said no. I have been afraid that he will lose his trust in me and that he would convince them that he is fine, merely a victim of a hysterical mother. He can be quite articulate and lucid when speaking to authorities. He will deny all symptoms , refuse help and they will cut him loose. That's what I thought but she has convinced me that she can get him a longer commitment and court ordered halidol. She says its amazing when they "wake up" from the psychosis and get their minds back. I am scared to have hope. But he's not going to make it if something doesn't happen. He won't tell me but I am positive he hears voices. He has been referring to himself as "we" instead of "I". He's slipping farther and farther away. And if it doesn't work, then at least I tried everything. He is so very ill. He has no clue that he is sick or what reality is. He lashed out at me for the first time in years a couple days ago on the train platform. Said he would kill me. He got upset because I was trying to talk to him about going to his sentencing and how he is going to have to be clean for probation, and he went crazy yelling at me. I just walked away. He followed me silently and did not say anything else, but it is highly unusual for him to threaten me like that. Not since he was about 14.
    Anyhow, my friend is right. And him trusting me doesn't matter, we have to try to save his life. And she will be the name on the paperwork. She has known him many years So he will easily believe I did not have anything to do with it.
    I had resigned myself to the fact he would die or even worse, just disappear, leaving me wondering what happened to him for the rest of my life, or worse yet, snap and hurt someone and do a very long prison sentence. And perhaps those might still be his fate, but at least I won't regret that I didn't petition him. My friend feels I would not be able to go on with that kind of regret. She is right.
    I went and bought him a bunch of food and ice tonight for the cooler I keep on my friends patio for him. He fell asleep almost instantly, but told me he love me and that it's good to see me. I would lay down my life and die for him to just be at peace, unfortunately God won't accept that deal.
    I have been absolutely devastated lately, worse than usual and I thought I was at the zenith of my agony over him. Its hard because he is so ill and rarely lashes out so there is no anger or feeling like I am just done being abused by him to temper my sadness. He used to be quite abusive before he went into the deep psychosis that he has resided in for the last two years. Verbally abusive I mean. For whatever reason he just stopped being that way. He does a weird screaming thing that is absolutely heart breaking, but he's not screaming at me. Not sure who it's toward exactly. Probably someone in his head, a voice I suppose. He's absolutely tormented and sometimes lately I wish he would die so his suffering would be over. Isn't that a horrible thing to wish? God, please do not let me hope. That is the most dangerous place I can go In my head, yet I find it creeping ln, skulking around the edges of my traumatised psyche. I know what happens when I let hope in, and I can't endure the pain of losing hope again. It does feel good to have made this decision though. I will not attach to the outcome. I will allow the professional, my friend, to do her job and accept whatever results. Thanks for being here. Goodnight
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Sometimes doing the right thing does not feel good. My heart goes out to you.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  3. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Karisma. So sorry you have to go through this. It seems good to have choices and yet sometimes the choice is between two difficult things.
    I have felt this-what many of us would have traded to have them healthy and functioning.

    Thank you for honesty, it's so hard to just want it all to stop, for them and realistically a little for us too. I feel guilty when I have this kind of thought and yet it's my worst fear-that police officer at the door thing...

    I know I don't acknowledge it, but there's ALWAYS a little hope there. In the back. Hidden under a rock. Wanting to squeeze out and try again to see daylight. Over and over. So I do let it come...and then the crazy garbled phone call, saying "my dog died, I'm homeless next week, I need $475 for gas bill and $625 for apartment down payment...on and on...and hope goes back under the rock. But just a shard remains because I am a mom and so are you. Hold tight. You are stronger than you think. Prayers.
     
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Karisma,

    This is encouraging news!

    Please keep us in the loop as to what happens.

    Apple
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Karisma:

    How heartbreaking for you to go through this but how wonderful that your friend can help you!

    I have found that sometimes God answers our prayers not always in the way we expect or think he should. I think your friend is your angel that is helping you.

    Good luck and prayers for you and your son and I hope that you both find the peace you deserve.

    :staystrong::group-hug:
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Hoping for the best possible outcome. This is so hard on you, for all parents to want to help their child and can't. Praying for positive outcomes and peace. KSM
     
  7. karisma

    karisma Member

    I want to thank everyone for their replies. It makes me feel better somehow. Yes, so ready to live, you are right. There is always a smidgeon of hope as long as they are still alive.
    Well I have to admit I am very scared. Here is why: I talked to the police tonight and asked them what would happen when they picked him up. I am very worried that he will have drugs on him. He currently has 2 drug cases, waiting for third one to come down. This is a total of 8 drug charges He has gotten in last 2 months. He really really can't afford any more. They told me they can't guarantee he won't be searched and charged. They asked if I could bring him myself. I don't know. Like I am positive he won't go with me, but maybe if my friend and her husband were to go to him and explain that this is his opportunity to go with them so the cops aren't involved, otherwise a warrant will be issued and he risks more charges. He will be livid but at least he will have a heads up. I am a fool to think he won't know I had something to do with it because I am staying with them right now. Duh.
    I am so torn. Goodnight everyone
     
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Karisma, hugs to you as you deal with this new attempt to help him. I am a believer in doing something new. Because nothing changes if nothing changes.

    Please let your friend and her husband drive the bus on the particulars here. Don't take it on to try to figure it all out on your own. Your friend has stepped up. Let her take the lead. I hope this can be a big relief for you.

    You can't fix all of this. Let them help and this could be a new chance for him.

    We know how much it hurts and how scared you are and how much want this to work. Take yourself off the hook here. It may work and that would be so great for him. If not he will have to deal with whatever comes next.

    We are here for you! We hope and pray this new idea results in something good.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
Loading...