I need help with my adult daughter.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by athybabe, Oct 2, 2015.

  1. athybabe

    athybabe New Member

    In 2012 my eldest daughter was murderedby her x partner and in most families one would think that it would bring a family closer,other families maybe but not mine.No mine decided to blame each other and my second eldest just wants her sister dead, she is always telling her that it should of been her instead,She blames me for taking her side all the time and tells me she doesnt want to see me again.
    I havnt seen her for 2 years and the worse part is im not allowed to see my grandchildren either, even thou i helped raise them and looked after them for 18 months while she went and played house with a new boyfriend and his kids,I was never paid anything for having them nor would i want to be then come the end of the school year she rings up and says she will be picking them up the following day,and that was the last time i was allowed to see them.
    for the past 2 years i have tried to find out why and it depends on what week it is as to her reason as they always different,there is the one that because i left her father and got into another relationship,and i said to her that it didnt bother her 15 years ago and i am still in that relationship and then its she doesnt like the way i live,but that didnt bother her when she was living here or I was looking after her kids,
    I have tried to make peace with her I put post all over facebook i tell her i love her when she messages me how much she hates me,I have apologised for everything and anything that i have done wrong I dont no what else to do . Please someone help. thankyou
     
  2. SAMALAM

    SAMALAM New Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss its never easy to lose someone especially a child. I couldn't imagine.. As far as the other children she's agry. I'm not a professional but I have always taken my anger and pain out on my mother. After years of therapy I have come to terms with this and that is because a parent is non judgemental well are "suppose" to. After not speaking to my mother for a few years I finally admitted I was the one wrong not her. I just lashed out to her. I've spoken with her about this and she stated she just stepped back and waited as much as it hurt her she waited for me to come to her. Just my advice is wait it out. Stay strong. And keep those grand babies in your mind and heart. Send them little cards if you can. As long as you try to keep some sort of relationship even if its a 1 way you will feel better. I hope the best for a good outcome for u
     
  3. athybabe

    athybabe New Member

    Thankyou Samalam
    I no she is hurting and taking it out on me but i dont want her to wake up one morning and find out its to late ,No one knows when our number comes up and I miss my grand children so much .and to loose 2 daughters cause thats how it feels its unbearable , we were so close I cant just wait for her to come around .its not fair on me and its not fair on them
     
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Welcome to the forum ATB, I am so sorry for the loss of your eldest daughter, and I am sorry you are now having to deal with the pain of rejecting from another daughter.


    I would tell you that you have done all you can do. There is nothing more to do at this point. I would stop posting anything, and if you feel the need to reach out to her, write her a letter and mail it. Keep it short, keep it simple, keep it kind. Tell her the door is always open, and you love her and you'll be here if and when she is ready to have a relationship again. That's it.

    Don't keep explaining and apologizing. You aren't perfect, and neither is she. None of us is perfect, and we all make mistakes in relationships. Perfection isn't the standard, even though many of us, myself included, hold ourselves to that standard. It's impossible.

    Turn the focus onto your own life. Put your heart and your soul and your energy into yourself and into having a happy, healthy, productive life.

    In time, I hope and pray your daughter lets go of her anger and bitterness and reconciles with you, for your sake and for her own sake.

    There comes a time in life when we parents have to let go of our adult children, regardless. We have to respect the boundaries they have set and we have to accept the lives they are living, no matter how much it hurts or no matter how much we don't get it or approve or understand.

    I know this is very, very hard to do, and it takes a lot of work...work on ourselves.

    Today, do some kind things for yourself, like take a nap, listen to music you like, buy some flowers for your kitchen table, meditate/sit in silence for 10 minutes, call a friend for coffee...just turn the focus of the day onto yourself.

    We can't control other people no matter how much we want to and no matter how much we love them. I believe our "charge" in life is learning to accept reality. It is what it is. We can go on and live happy lives even in the midst of that.

    We welcome you here, and hope you will find strength and care and encouragement here. Keep posting. We care.
     
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