I NEED HELP !!!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by respectwanted, Oct 17, 2007.

  1. respectwanted

    respectwanted New Member

    Hello everyone, I am new to this and I need some serious help. I have been trying to do this on my own and hopefully have found some help. My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have an 11yo son with ADHD, which has caused him to have absont(sp?) seizures and he is currently on Adderal XR 30 mg and Depakote. We also have an 8yo daughter who is consistently screaming and whining about her brother aggravating her.

    I almost went batty the other night after hearing several times that one or the other is not going to do as i told them. They are constantly arguing with one another, which i do understand because i had an older brother, but what gets me is that they are always arguing with me and talking back. Now, we live in the south and you should see some of the looks i get when we are out and one or the other of them start in on me.

    I do know what part of the problem is, and that is that i am not being consistent. I need to start being consistent and following through on what i say i am going to do.

    Now when my husband says something to them or tells them to do something, I hear "yes sir" and they are right on it most of the time, however he is here with them most of the time as well. I work full-time outside of the home and he is a minister who has a very flexible schedule.

    This year we decided that it would be best to home-school our son since he went to a private school last year and they held him back a grade. We thought that by home-schooling that we might be able to catch him up to where he is supposed to be.

    I know that this is long, however i have one more thing that i would like to add. My husband's sister is a single mom with a 10yo girl. She has lived with my in-laws since the day she came home from the hospital. They treat her as if she is the Queen of the Universe. She is spoiled rotten, and she knows it. Most of the time she gets what she wants, when she wants it. She is just a grade behind our son, and this was an underlying factor to home-school and catch him up, in my mind anyway, so that he didnt have to compete with the niece. I want him to have his special day when he graduates from High School. I dont want him to have to share that with the "Brat". Is that selfish of me?

    I am sorry that this is so much to take in, however I feel so much better now that I have gotten it off of my chest and I am sure that i will feel better once I get some replies.

    Thanks for listening (reading). I really appreciate it in advance.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Don't worry about your post being long - it's not. I am not good at brevity, myself, and I will give you a run for your money!

    Welcome to the site. We can help. And undoubtedly, you will be able to help others. You've already been through what some are just getting to now.

    To begin - a book often mentioned on this site is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. From my own experience, it helped us a lot. It also helped with the 'normal' kids. It's also easier (in my opinion). But if your husband is finding that being an authoritarian is working for him, then it could cause conflict and make him look like the family ogre. You would both need to be on the same page.
    There is some discussion on this book in Early Childhood. My husband tried to read the book but simply couldn't maintain his focus on it. He was willing, just exhausted. So I summarised it for him, which really helped me, also, to understand it better.
    I also found difficult child 3's behaviour improving, just in the week I was reading the book! I didn't think I was changing anything - yet- about my parenting style, but I must have been, in tiny subtle ways. And it made a big difference.
    It's not a cure - the underlying problems are still there. But it helps a lot, and we can make a lot more progress from where we are now.

    Be aware - not everybody on this site has success with this. Just a lot. Definitely worth a try. And we are not paid anything to make this announcement, although the amount of times we recommend this, book, I think we should be getting SOMETHING for this site!

    You acknowledge you need to be more consistent - especially if you're home schooling, this is necessary, if you want him to make progress. Try to not be too competitive with your niece, it won't be good for her or your son. He needs to learn to compete with himself.

    Our education of difficult child 3 isn't strictly home schooling, although all his work is done at home. It's correspondence, but we do talk to teachers at a school (it's in the city, all students enrolled are correspondence). They have also modified his work, where needed, to his abilities and disabilities. There are a lot of resources you can access, but you do need structure of a sort, even if it's structure worked out largely by your son. My boys, for example - they prefer to work on one subject at a time, do the entire weeks' work for, say, English, and then move on to the next subject. It works for them. Task-changing was a huge issue for both my boys, so this made it easier to accommodate.

    Anyway, there will be others along with more support and advice.


  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board! :flower:

    Marg gave you some wonderful advice. At the moment I can't think of anything to add, but did want to welcome you.

  4. tired Cheryl

    tired Cheryl New Member

    Hello and Welcome!

    You wrote that your son's ADHD caused his seizures. Is he under the care of a neurologist? or is that what your pediatrician is telling you?

    Seizures and behavior disorders frequently occur together but as my son's neurologist explains it more like they are like two overlapping circles. One is not causing the other but the behavior does overlap because there is some issue with the brain.

    Please tell us more about how your son was diagnosed with seizures and ADHD.

    I found that once I came to accept my son was different and changed my parenting techniques the situation improved somewhat but he also takes medication and attends weekly behavior therapy. Many times it takes a combination of things.

    You will find great support and info on this forum.

    Please keep us posted.

  5. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    There is at least one recent post that I know of that deals with the problem of not being consistent. When you have the time, make a cup of coffee, tea, etc. and read what others have written and the advice they were given. I've found this to be very helpful when dealing with my own difficult children.

    I think the others have given you excellent advice. I really can't think of much to add right now - I wish I could remember which post it was that dealt with consistency! However, my brain isn't totally functioning yet. I think I need one more cup of coffee!!!

    Anyway, I'm glad you're here. I look forward to getting to know you better. I hope today is a better day for you!!! WFEN
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I do think it is childish to worry about 'the brat' and when she will graduate and stealing some thunder from your son. Believe me - many of us would just be thrilled to watch our difficult child walk across the stage.
    Nobody will care 20 years from now who got more attention on graduation day. Just do what is best for your son.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Just wanted to pop in and welcome you. We are all here for your support.

    in my humble opinion, whether or not your son graduates with "the brat" should be the least of your concerns.

    So many of our kids don't graduate.

    So put my vote with busywends. Concentrate on the big picture.

    Glad you found us, but sorry you had to. Welcome to the board!