Linda,
Hi ya toots. Well - it's certainly been a long time coming huh? I guess what I get out of what you are asking us is - Is it okay to cry and feel this sad? Hmmmm. Good questions, but not one I think I'm capable of answering in your particular case. Why? Well, for one - while I know your situation in parts, I don't know you like I'd need to in order to make that enormous decision about the future of your health. Does part of me wish that you could sit and have a really good cry over all the losses in your life and have us just sit in a circle and hold you for say a week until it was better for you? Yup. You betcha. Do I wish that would be the end of it for your pain and you could move on from there? Sure, I love you - but....the reality of it is - without the medications to help you and people right there to support you what happens then? How would you cope? Would you do okay? Would you fall apart more? Would you be able to rise above all the loss or would you spiral down and recognize it before it was too late or would you spiral down and be worse off than you are now? These are things none of us can answer for you and what your doctors and our doctors are held responsible for every day. It's an enormous responsibility.
When I have talked to Dude in the past about his extreme depression? I've tried to tell him that the medicine doesn't mask his ability to feel things. I think when you already start out with a deficit the medicines sorta level you out. You still feel pain, you still are aware of the sadness and in your case overwhelming loss - but the medicine gives you the ability to deal with the losses and (AND) allows you to carry on with every day life - whatever that may be - good, bad, give, take - have, loss - because life goes on, and you are still left to deal with the things that were.
I'm on AD's because - well because at this point I still believe without them? I'm not sure I could do "the past" AND cope with "the now". When I've tried to cut my dose in 1/2 or wean off of the Welbutrin? - Uhhh well - I didn't see it as a failure because - (laughing as I look around my nearly destroyed house, loss of job, no family at Christmas - and daily struggles - that REALLY wouldn't be struggles if (IF) everything else in my life would just CUT ME A FREAKIN break. It just seems that for the last Oh I dunno - 20 years - has just been one thing after another and (shrug - exhale) I KNOW you have to go on, I KNOW you have to DEAL, I KNOW I need to get up every morning and set an example - but some days I think - I just want to lay in bed and not. THOSE are the days when I realize - if I didn't have the AD's? I wouldn't be able to think and rationalize about what I need to DO.....the "I KNOWS" in my life. I'd just be in bed, not thinking - just depressed. Morbidly depressed.
Maybe it would be better for you to start thinking things through with a really good counselor about HOW MUCH LINDA HAS gone through and just HOW TOUGH she REALLY AND TRULY IS - and start giving HER CREDIT for surviving regardless if it was with or without medications? I mean MY WORD woman! LOOK at what you have been through. LOOK! THINK! WOW! Praise yourself for a moment for the things that you HAVE accomplished. Not for what you have NOT! I dont' know of anyone in your situation that has been through what you have and still looks at the world and says I WILL TRY - I WONDER HOW - DO YOU THINK I CAN? - I've told you this before you are an AMAZING WOMAN. Not just another woman - AN AMAZING WOMAN - and well - I'm impressed.
Why aren't you? WHY. AREN'T. YOU? You have lost your mate, raised two children who you love that few others would have even ever given a second look at - and yet - even with profound (PROFOUND) disabilities - and on your own - you said I WILL TRY!!! WHY does that not count for EVERYTHING in your book? (Shrug) I don't know. I believe D3 is right - her advice is sound, and spot on - and insightful - and if I were you - I'd take it. Trust isn't something that comes with being a doctor just because you have a diploma. YOu have a right to feel secure with whom you see - and feel someone gives a damn. We do - and we don't know =know you - So should they.
You've fought for everyone else ALL YOUR LIFE - start realizing YOU are SPECTACULAR and JUST AS WORTHY - and fight for LINDA. Get what you need so you can quit second guessing yourself - If you want to cry? Find a doctor and tell them you want to cry - and why you want to or why you are worried to - Write it out.......So you don't forget. I can't remember peanut butter for goodness sake from my house to the store - why can't you write this out to a doctor? This is your health.
I love you - You should love you too - Now get out there - AND FIGHT for LINDA - she's wonderful .........and she's needed at the WO and Shari Virtual Board Christmas Party to play piano - (see Watercooler post) I put you down to play the piano.
Hugs and Love
Star