i screwed up

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Feb 4, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    so i screwed up. i'm mad at myself as usual. difficult child is melting down. i told easy child because ofcourse she feels cheated, angry etc. for the life with-difficult child. so husband and i decided to let her have friends in the basement and utilize it. it's unfinished there's no insolation, no flooring just cement. we carpeted a room size area for her a year ago she thought she wanted her room down there.

    i'm sitting here right now listening to 7 teenagers, rap music coming up thru my living room floor as difficult child cries over eating a slice of pizza.

    i dont' know what i was thinking. i am trying to find the fine line to give both kids what they need. yet reality is our house is way way too small. it just is what it is.

    so 3 days after kid gets home i go and approve this. husband and i gave her rules and stuff ofcourse.

    i'm not mad at her i'm mad at me. what was i thinking?? their just being normally. yet the base is vibrating even though music isnt' that loud and i can hear every conversation their having.

    everything affects difficult child everything. we went to get pizza tonight she saw 3 boys from her school and than this here and boom that's it.

    behavioral yea maybe some. bipolar yea i'm listening to the experts of 5 years that have diagnosis'd her. there is no filter on my little girl whatsoever.

    just had to vent this one out. thanks.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Jen - honey - gentle hugs - you know what? No, you didn't screw up, you were doing your best to be the best mom for both kids.

    OK last night I mentioned to husband - most of the effort is expended on Onyxx, 'cause the squeaky wheel gets the grease - but you know what? Jett needs some effort too. And so when I got home from work husband was snuggled up watching a movie with Jett. Onyxx came in and tried to change the channel and husband told her to go to her room, or help me cook, or something but this was HIS TIME WITH JETT. Calm, but firm.

    Braced for a meltdown... She stomped off to her room... But... See, both kids need attention... And you do, too! Don't shortchange yourself. You are doing the best you can. difficult child needs to understand that she's not the only kid in the universe... I know that's not easy... But you're only one person. Don't beat yourself up.

    I wish I was closer to NY, I'd make your husband take over for you and I'd take you out for a spa day or something.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    listen you need a spa day too. i shouldn't of complained. i had to go down there and plant them and they quieted down. thanks for taking the time when your going thru what you are.

  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    LOL - well, I kinda agree there, but you know what?

    In many ways, what difficult child is going through is so much worse than Onyxx or Jett.

    And in others, Onyxx and Jett have it worse.

    So... I think one of the greatest powers of this board is that it's always - always - easier to help others, than to help yourself, or your own family. And others' problems take your mind off your own...
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    true redirection is huge!! :)

    it's all relative. and had to go down there and plant them once they began to jump around reciting some rap song on the stereo the living room floors were vibrating dogs barking difficult child crying i was like umm ok it's time. they took it well, i soo didn't wanna go down there. you would think i was like ten. i stood in bathroom and gave myself a pep talk. i'm not big on teens to be honest lol. i absolutely love kids yet teenagers aren't my strong point :)
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Jena don't be so hard on yourself. You can only do the best you can do and let the rest go.

    First lesson. Stop feeling guilty that easy child has to "deal" with life with a difficult child. You didn't cause it, no one caused it, it just IS. Huge part of life is learning to deal with such things. easy child will be fine, most likely will turn out far more awesome than if never exposed to a difficult child on the homefront as she'll have insight and wisdom others don't, not to mention empathy.

    Just do what you can to give her some of the "normal" stuff. Me? I never did teens in groups. I can't tolerate teens in groups. Travis would've gone over the deep end.......So yeah. easy child got to have the occasional sleep over. Nichole got to have the occasional sleep over. They had fun. And it wasn't sensory overload for Travis and didn't drive ME over the edge. lol

    Having difficult child kids is hard work and it's draining, demanding. In comparison, sometimes easy child's don't always get the attention they need or to do the stuff they MIGHT do otherwise. I did what I could to give easy child what she needed, since she has always been pretty independent, it wasn't me smothering her by a long shot. lol

    Shoot, having mult difficult children can be it's own nitemare at times. Two who both really need you to be on top of it all the time.....and always one step ahead of the game......Ugh.

    I'm not super human, nor a super hero. I just watched for moments when each one of them looked as if they could use a special mom moment.......or whatever. Then did what I could to give it to them. If I couldn't, then I couldn't. Sometimes life works that way.

    in my opinion growing up with difficult children turned easy child into one of the best d*mn nurses I've ever seen. And a d*mn fine Mom too, as the kids can't slip anything past her. lol It wasn't a bed of roses, but do I think it hurt her? Nope, not really.

    So stop being so hard on yourself.

  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I think you were being a very good mom to easy child. You had just gotten home and gave her her own night, for her to just be herself and relax with friends. She had fun and was happy for it. As for difficult child, well she's the one who has to get used to certain things. She has to learn it's ok for people to sing-or whatever- it's ok, she has to calm down. The other family members (especially easy child) can't be berated for always bowing down to difficult child's wishes. Out in the world this is what it's like, strangers won't stop singing or whatever. She really has to be able to realize that even though she may not like certain things, they're there, be strong, it'll stop soon. Put headphones on her, let her listen to music, or a book on tape, or maybe go for a walk, or go to the far end of the house. Anything so she won't hear- if that was the problem.
  8. ML

    ML Guest

    What hounddog said! Go easy on yourself. When you're trying to meet everyone's needs don't forget to add your own into that balancing act. Hugs xoxo
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    sooo funny someone else who can't deal with-teens in groups. i'm awesome with kids up till age 14 or 15 that's when i'm like ok your nasty, off balance and i just can't cope with-you lol. i'm sooo glad husband's oldest hasn't been here!! thrilled beyond words.

    as far as the singing goes let's just say it was as song that i wouldn't wanna hear myself nevermind difficult child. cursing, calling ppl bad names if you know what i mean. some rap songs are rough.

    they were screaming not singing. i planted them and it calmed. our house is just too small also there is no insulation in the basement so you hear everything. it was just a long day i hadn't slept enough again, the truck broke down difficult child and i had to sit at the shop for two hours to get it fixed. so it was just one of those days and 7 teens in my basement coupled with-difficult child crying over pizza was just a bad mix.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    OMG when you find a way to split the difference and give TWO girls in ANY household BiPolar (BP), difficult child, easy child or NOT what they BOTH want at the SAME time and come out smelling any where near a rose? YOU.JUST.LET.US.KNOW. K? K!

    And some rap songs are rough? Years ago - (won't say how many) but years ago when I bartended; I was asked by a promoter dude to come and bartend for extra money at a "gig". I was an awesome bartender (no really) and I was cute (no really). So there I am, and the band is setting up and I'm setting up the bar, and all of a sudden I hear words that - well quite frankly? Would have made a sailor pale. I was in shock. Then these guys start dancing around hip hop and all - and the rap starts, I can't even hear myself think - the crowd comes in and WHAM - I would like to say now that the night was ludacris.......and so was this unknown. UNREAL. There was enough on stage grabbing to make THIS mother want to run up and hand everyone a spray can of Tennex. Know what I mean?? 1/2 way through the show - One of the waiters gave me a pair of foam earplugs and I made it through the night reading lips for orders. Best suggestion: FOAM EARPLUGS.

    As far as difficult child - SOME life lessons are going to come, and go. As hard as it sounds? These are things SHE is going to have to face and as bad as it hurts you? She's going to have to deal with them as they come. These are those days when you can just chalk it up to - STINKS TO BE ME. Put it in a bubble and blow.

    Hope your today is much better - Either that or FAKE a power outage by blowing a fuse or tripping a breaker. OH DEAR we are out of fuses.

    Hugs & Love
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is why tents, cd players, head phones and ear plugs were invented.
  12. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I'm a little late to this party, but I wanted to say that I think you atre being WAY too hard on youself, Jena. You gave easy child something that she needed: time with her friends where they could just be what they are; loud and rowdy teenaged girls. When they got a bit out of hand you told them to cool their jets and they did.

    difficult child has to learn that the world does not revolve around her, although I that alot of difficult children seem to think that it does. I know that mine does! I am constantly reminding him that he is not the only family member with needs that have to be met. Was she melting because of all of the noise that easy child and her friends were making? Or was she freaking out over eating some pizza?

    I know that it was a overwhelming night for you, but you made it through. Make sure that you take time for yourself, too. I said before that all of the members of your family have needs that have to be met, and that includes you. Even if it's a few minutes to walk the dogs and clear your head, do it!