I think I'm having a breakdown

[Dollhouse]

I know some of you are going thru worse issues than I am, however, I'm not coping well at the moment due to what's going on here.

I cry all the time, and I have thoughts that just don't want to live anymore. We let my son take the car to find a job tonight and as he was leaving, I saw he was sullen. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was 'tired of everyone telling him what to do and that he can't take it anymore'.

I have thoughts some times that if something were to happen to my son, that I would be free of this stress and pain. What type of person am I to think that out loud?

I can't function at work and everything is just now crashing down for me emotionally. I don't want to go talk to someone; I know the routine -- go to therapy, get medications to 'cope'. The problem is still here and will be, so coping just doesn't cut it for me anymore. Throw this emancipation on top of my son's issues and I'm done for this world.

 

[missy44]

i'm so sorry you are feeling this way. your thoughts are completely rational for what you've been dealing with. i sometimes feel completely overwhelmed, cry all the time, i feel alone and carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. i feel that the decisions i make will determine the rest of my son's life. But it isn't so, they make their decisions.

i hope you can somehow find just a 'bit' of time to take care of you. do something you enjoy, if only for a short while.

my heart breaks for you right now. we bring these children into the world with such high hopes and unconditional love and why we have to go through what we're going through is beyond me. i don't understand why motherhood has to be so hard for some.

i hope knowing that people care and understand will be enough to get you through the evening and then come back tomorrow and we'll try to help you get through another day

hugs ((((()))))

 

[witzend]

Are you talking to anyone professionally just for you? Maybe you could talk to your doctor about an anti-anxiety medication. You have an awful lot on your plate right now, and that might ease your burden and make it easier to get through the day.

 

[Hound dog]

You know, I found when going thru Nichole's downward spiral which of course happened while I had a half dozen other major things going on......talking to a therapist just to vent all of what I was feeling to be a huge relief. I could cry and yell and be mad or whatever I felt like because she wasn't going to take it personally. And yeah, a couple of times she did help me to look at things in a way I hadn't thought of.....but really it was, for me at least, someone I could pour everything out to who wasn't going to think I was some horrible person. And she had to sit there and listen to it because that's what I was paying her to do. lol

You've got so much going on right now. I've been there done that a couple of times and it hoovers. Feels like nothing you do is right. Add in all the stress and whamo.

It helps me to make sure I'm getting time for myself. Just so long each day to do something I like to do. And during that time I do my utter best not to think of anything else that is difficult child related or the least bit stressful. You'd be surprised at how much just such a simple thing can help.

I'm so sorry you're getting put thru the ringer right now.

(((hugs)))

 

[ThreeShadows]

Oh, sweetie! Hang in there. I would be dead without lexapro and clonazepam. I used to believe I could make it without pharmaceuticals but I'm glad I decided to go for help. It hurts so much to love some of our children. Today difficult child 2 asked husband why I wouldn't talk to him. husband said that I was hurt because he had threatened us with the police. difficult child 2 said "tell her to get over it!". I just grinned. Without medications or this board, I would have been crying.

Please keep on posting here! You can survive this pain.

 

[C.J.]

Doll, you said, "I have thoughts some times that if something were to happen to my son, that I would be free of this stress and pain. What type of person am I to think that out loud?"

This person who said the following is the kind of person who would think this out loud: "I cry all the time, and I have thoughts that just don't want to live anymore......and I'm done for this world."

This is a cry for help. We hear you. Contact a mental health crisis line. Many are manned 24/7 and are available through your insurance provider. If you don't have that type of coverage, consider a suicide hotline. They can listen to you vent, and provide referrals for further counselling.

There have been too many nights my mom and I have been awakened to a knock at the door or a phone call from the police informing us of my sister's latest escapade (30+ years drug abuser & other problems). After dozens of these notifications over the years, our hearts have been numbed - and when the call/knock finally comes to inform us she's dead, I'm not all that sure I'll grieve. I've been grieving these last 30+ years. Grieving over what she's lost, what she's taken from us, what might have been, what could have been, what will never be...

Doll, if you're truly at a point where you are done for this world, please pick up the phone and call someone. Posting here is good for a rant or for venting and sharing, but I think you do need to involve a professional, too.

Please update us - sending a gentle hug for your grieving soul...

 

[Suz]

Doll, you need more help than we can offer right now. Yes, therapy and medication is probably what will be most beneficial now. There are few of us here who haven't had to go this route to make it through the really rough times.

You are right- even if you talk to someone and take medications the problems are still there. The difference is that the problems are back in perspective and you can get out of bed without wanting to scream.

Please call your doctor today.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[susiestar]

Doll,

I am glad you recognize that something is not right with you. Please call your doctor. medications and therapy can be useful in helping you cope with the feelings that are overwhelming you.


They can even help you find other solutions, such as RTCs or therapeutic foster homes, whatever is needed to help your kids all be happy and healthy.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Just this morning, as I was about to get out of bed, husband sensed that I was stressed - I told him I'm just sick and tired of living in a "nut house!!!" It rots that life is NEVER peaceful with all the carp our difficult children dish out... I've felt many times like a horrible person for wanting my difficult children out of my house, out of my life... We're only human. We can only take so much CARP!!!

Everyone has given you good advice - Please get some help. I agree with what Suz said. The problems are always going to be here - We can only control how we react to them. With a bit of help, your outlook can change...

Please take care of yourself!!!

Thinking of you and hoping today is a better day for you... HUGS... WFEN

 

[Genny]

Yup, husband and I went to counseling for a while just to talk about difficult child, and I was on anti-anxiety medications for a while just so I could function. It's hard to focus on work when you're constantlt waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had a panic attack at work one day and had to have a coworker drive me to the doctor's - that was when I realized that I needed outside help to get me through. It IS only temporary, so do what you need to in order to maintain a life for yourself. At the very least set up a counseling session just for you (or for you and husband if you're on the same page). It was a HUGE releif to have a professional validate our feelings and tell us we were doing everything right, and give us permission to put difficult child's issues on the back burner now and then and focus on ourselves.

Hang in there!

Genny

 

[DDD]

I don't know exactly what determines "when" but I do know that each of us comes to a point where we need a little help. I went with-o medications until after I was 60! Then three or four years I couldn't focus, tears would begin to roll down my face, I wanted to hide. CD family members encouraged me, just as I now encourage you, to reach out. Within a week or two on Lexapro I was functioning as healthily as one could expect with all the stress around here.

Seeking help does not mean you will have to take pills forever or go to counseling forever. Most of the time it is like taking an antibiotic when you have an infection. It helps you until you feel well enough to forge ahead on your own. Sending supportive hugs & encouragement. DDD

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Ditto everyone else, please talk to someone. And you're not a bad person for sometimes thinking that if something were to happen to your son, you'd be free of much stress -- we all think that from time to time. Please keep us posted.

 

[rejectedmom]

Everyone needs a little help fromtime to time. For you that time is now. There is no reason to "tough it out" without therapy or medication if needed. You could feel so much better and fuction better even if the problems don't go away. The problems that go along with our lives with difficult child's rarely go away completely or they just morph into or are replaced by other problems. So I ask, do you really want to feel this way forever? I think you most likely will answer; NO you don't. A therapist can show you how to have a good life within the chaos. For us parents of difficult child's who cannot have them out of our lives entirely that is our best bet. I align with all the others who say give yourself a break and get some help. -RM

 

[CrazyinVA]

I just want to echo everyone's thoughts. I've been where you are. I know how it feels to have that dark hole closing around you, and to simply not care any more, about anything. I'm here also to tell you that making that call can and will make a difference ... and that slowly, you can feel better. Before you know it, you will feel TONS better, if you seek the help. Please take care of yourself.

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with everyone else.

You are not a bad person for thinking that everything would be better if difficult child was gone. Heaven only knows how many times I thought that. Actually, things are better in my house now that my son is not living with me, now that he is gone from my every waking moment. That doesnt mean that I dont still love him, that I dont still think about him or worry about him because I do...but he doesnt consume me the way he used to.

I used to be way too enmeshed with my son. We fed off each other in really bad ways. I often wanted to just "go away forever" when things were bad with him. I still have those thoughts but they arent tied to him like they were. I cant say my medications are linked to my kids because they arent. I dont have the situational problems most of the other mom's here have...my problems are chemical and I will have them forever. However, I couldnt survive without those medications.

 

[Star*]

Ya know.....I remember the first time I thought about how much more different my life would be without Dude. I said first time - because I know there have been several other times I thought the same thing and then thought O.M.G what kind of Mother am I? Maybe I'm the reason Dude is like he is. Maybe my thinking of a life without stress, and aggrivation, and someone who is depressed all the time, teases the dogs, trashes his room, mouthes off to me, can't stay in school, won't get and can't get along with nearly EVERYONE would be. ANd then it occured to me that I wasn't really wondering what it would be like to be without my kid. I was wondering what it would be like to have a life with a kid that was not emotionally dysfunctional. BIG difference. Although you think that what you are thinking is life without THEM - what your heart and soul is thinking about is a life without the chaos and bull. Pretty normal thinking in my book.

I also have wondered what life would be like for those I left behind and it had come to that point so many times. I hit the wall with my back and just slid onto the floor in the hall and sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until I didn't think I had a tear left to cry, my eyes nearly swollen shut, my anger at an all time high, my relationship with God going on the skids because I was just angry angry angry p8ssed and angry that HE didn't fix this. Then I topped that off with all the other horrible and unbelievable carp that happend since the day I was born and I sobbed some more. I'm pretty sure at one point I threw weeds with a clump of dirt at heaven and told God to just COME AND GET ME!

I did go to therapy and have been an advocate of therapy for a long time. I'm not a huge advocate of being a pill popper, but when I needed a little assistance I wasn't so self-centered to think I could do it all by myself. I've been on a few anti-depressants and gone to a fair number of therapists before I found one that I "clicked" with, was comfy with, and felt like working with. Others that I saw in the past actually - looked at the wall while I was talking, yawned, checked out their cell phone, and at some point I think I remember saying to one girl "my life....the monkey went up the flagpole. DO you know what I mean?" and she nodded yes and I got up and said "What did I say?" and she said "Did I know what you mean?" I said BEFORE THAT? =space and time .......then I said "I said the monkey went up the flag pole, and yOU are NOT paying attention to me and I'm paying you?" See ya. I think within 4 or 5 visits you'll know if you click with a therapist. ANd if not? CHANGE - why stay with someone that will make you feel like you do now about therapy? Plenty of fish in the PhD sea. Find one you can get hooked on going to.

When I first started going it was to prove to my friend that I (I) was NOT the one with the problem. haha......yeah I had lots of problems. Oy. But i've worked through them.

I also had a stroke a couple years back and Gosh that was just HUGE fun. I felt like my son was getting railroaded, he tried to commit suicide, he was going to jail, looking at 17 years in prison for something he had hardly any involvement in - my DF was depressed all the time and in major pain, we were running back and forth to the hospital and I just didn't know if I wanted to be around anymore. I called the doctor......we spoke......I cried.....and then we decided to try EMDR therapy. IT's awesome, quick and worked well for me.

Listen - whatever you decide to do - you're going to have to want to get better. If you hate your therapist - find a new one. If you hate being on pills - don't take them - but DO find other ways of getting the stress out. What you are going through now is not for the faint hearted. Don't try to predict the future because you aren't a psychic - but DO plan on what YOU can do for yourself and your son.

If you don't take care of yourself - there are people that will do it for you. Right now? You are in control of what you can and can't do. Make poor choices and that is the last thing they take from you. Personally I was never ready to give up control of who did what to me. So I buckled and began small steps to take care of ME......and make ME come first.

Many hugs for whatever you do and just know that you aren't alone in how you feel now. DO know that there can be brighter tomorrows and that you are smart enough to figure out how to get a little sunshine for yourself. I know you can - and if you can't - ask someone close to you for help.

Hugs
Star

 

[Nomad]

I've had some similar experiences and thoughts like you, Star and others have mentioned.
Second guessing myself, bewilderment, bitterness and health concerns. All together...it weighed heavily upon my heart. Medical intervention changed things around for me in a MAJOR, BIG TIME way! Would you be open to making an apt. with your doctor right away? If you don't have a doctor...can you ask around for the name of someone and then make an apt.?

I honestly think what you have expressed is so common, as to be normal. The stresses and strains of having a special need child are enormous. As has been mentioned, therapy helped me to see things differently. At times, medication was also needed. I had to make the choice to get better. This is not all that different than what our difficult children experience. The pain becomes so bad as to decide to do something different. Most folks don't really want to go to therapy...but wishing to feel healthy again motivates them to get the help they need. So, they decide to do take a different course. Take an action step. What is the definition of insanity? Answer: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

I agree with the others, if you ever get to the point that you feel like you might harm yourself, DO call your physician or crisis hotline service immediately. Make sure you talk with someone immediately. Depression and/or anxiety often worsens without intervention. There is no shame in getting the help you need. It is the smart thing to do...and it will provide relief.

You did not ask for these difficulties. But by not asking and receiving help, you are keeping the problem strong. Please make the choice to take action toward health.

Again...can you call your family physician and see him or her right away? Please re-read what Suz and others have said. Calling your doctor would be an excellent first step toward feeling much better about all of this.

Sending good thoughts...wishing you well.

 

[standswithcourage]

I understand too. My doctor put me on Zoloft when I sat crying in her office more than once. It has really helped me to stay on an even keel. I never took pills before but really needed that to help keep my sanity. You may need something just for a little while to help you through this time. I know it is hard but you have a purpose in this life - you never know who you will help or who will help you. hang in

 

[Dollhouse]

know it is hard but you have a purpose in this life - you never know who you will help or who will help you. hang in

I don't have a purpose in this life. My life has always been very hard and I've had to overcome some things that makes me even wonder why I am still on this earth. I'm sure some of you have felt the same. Would you believe my son almost died at 3yrs old after a tonsillectomy? He was in a coma for 48hrs and on a respirator. After he came out of the coma, he was in the hospital another 2-3 days. I almost lost my job at that time as I had just started it. I was a single parent and it was a nightmare. My ex only came ONCE to the hospital to see his son and never inquired again. I could go on and on about the trials and tribulations I've endured, but I'm sure all of you can say the same.

So..no...I have no purpose. But, If my purpose is to suffer, then maybe that's it.

 

[lovemysons]

Dollhouse,
There is HOPE. Promise...and you can find some relief too, help is out there. Took me many, Many years to accept that it wasn't just the difficult children that needed help, I did too.

I hope you'll reach out to a doctor. I found out I have Bipolar 2 and am taking Abilify now...what a relief, I stay middle grounded now, not too sad, not too excited etc...regardless of what's going on with my difficult children.

With caring thoughts for your emotional well being.
Keep posting and reaching out...that's a good thing.
Hugs,
Tammy