I want to die....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by totoro, May 3, 2007.

  1. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I was just getting them ready to go to the store and when I asked difficult child 1 to get dressed... she got a wierd look on her face and came over to me and said "I just want to die and go to heaven Mom" "I want to die, I don't want to be here anymore." I asked her what she was feeling in her head and she said she didn't know, she just wanted to die, she didn't want to be herself anymore... She said she was sorry but she needed to die and go to heaven. :sad: I was able to tell her that I needed her and I wanted her to stay and I wanted her to stay herself. She finally calmed a bit, she is up and down all over the place right now...

    I talked to her psychiatrist... so emotionless. She wants to increase her Abilify to 5mg... continue the Buspar until we see her on the 18th...

    I said and discuss our NEXT step then... ie; Mood Stabilizer!!! If that does not get discussed and started on the 18th I am going to be one unhappy Mommy!!! :grrr:

    I hate this my poor little girl... she is 5 for crying out loud! I am going to get her out of the house for a bit look for a present for husband.... :sad:
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    T, I'm so very sorry. My difficult children have said this, too, and it always tugs at my heartstrings. I know you don't need me to say this, but you handled the situation very well. Just keep reassuring her as much as you can.

    I hope you make some progress with the psychiatrist. Many gentle hugs coming your way.
  3. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    She used to do this much more frequently, prior to the medications... I just was so used to her not saying things like this anymore...
    Thanks Smallworld
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm sorry that she is feeling so poorly.

    I see in your sig that she is on Buspar. I didn't know children could take that. Has it helped with her anxiety???
  5. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Buspar is not often used in young children. Typically SSRI's are trialed first to address anxiety but those usually are avoided if BiPolar (BP) is also an issue.

    Totoro, just to be on the safe side, do you have knives, scissors and sharp objects locked away? Hallucinations are a possibility and it's better to be safe than sorry.
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    ant still says this at age 23. you feel so helpless I am sure. you did the right thing by reassuring your child. be her strength when she is weak.

    sigh and my sorrow for your tears as well.
  7. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I am so sorry, I know how much it hurts to hear your little one say that. Mine said it the first time at about the same age.
    Thankfully, she really didn't have the thought processes to figure out how to do it at the time.

    I agree about the mood stabilizer too.

    poor baby. I'm so sorry. :sad:

  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Totoro, I am not trying to skeetch on your post, but Pixie is in her room this very second, screaming at the top of her lungs that she hates me, she wishes she was in heaven, she wishes I would die, she wishes she was never born.

    The pain is unbearable. I can't get away. She was following me when I tried to take my own time out.

    "You're mean. I can never have a friend again. You need to die. I hate you. Daddy is nicer."

    I just did a post on whether kids can control their outbursts. I mentioned that Pixie always has a meltdown for a few minutes, then chills out. This time, she is seeing if she can wear me down. She wants to go to her friend's baseball game. The answer is no. She will be home too late. No negotiating. Boy, did I post that too soon.

    This has been going on for 1/2 hour.

    I feel for you. Major hugs for you and your little girl. May God wrap His loving arms around you both.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Just a note. Lithium is the only mood stabilizer with anti-suicidal properties. If taken, it actually prevents people from committing suicide. The other mood stabilizers don't have this property. Hugs and I would get another doctor if this one won't give your little one a mood stabilizer.
  10. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I took her to run a few errands... she is a mess. Hiding behind me at the insurance company. (which is not like her) Screaming at the sound of cars... :frown:

    I hate watching her go through this... it isn't even 4 p.m. yet and she ran upstairs and went to bed... Sound asleep.

    I just talked to her peds. office and they are not pleased with psychiatrist OK with waiting 2 weeks to see her!

    Thanks for the support and kind words. I feel like crying...

    Her peds. office just called back and wants to back off the Buspar!!! They are very upset by the psychiatrist and want to titrate back down regardless of what psychiatrist thinks! Oh a battle of the docs!!! She is going to monitor difficult child until psychiatrist apt! She said if psychiatrist doesn't get it together she will call old psychiatrist in Chicago and see if they can work together just until we move!!! I love our pediatrician.
    At least we have one person on our side!!!
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs to you-I'm sorry you are going through this-your pediatrician office sounds great though.
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well we made it through the night!!! She had some bad night terrors... she was trapped in a cage with her sister... woke screaming.
    Very down...derpressed.

    Her pediatrician. called to check in on her off day! WOW!!! Just to confirm our plan and make sure she was OK.

    She agreed that a 5 yo most likely will not "know how" to kill themselves... but for her to be this down and thinking this way, and in a non-agitated way, is very concerning.

    So we wait for 2 weeks, for psychiatrist apt...

    We can put "Kudos" to people on our local papers front page, I called and asked to have one put on for her (pediatrician)... She has gone above and beyond a typical doctor!!! I also brought them Banana Bread last visit!!! Loving her!

    difficult child is doing a little better now. We are working on some art projects. Did I mention I dislike glitter??? LOL
  13. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    Sending out some gentle hugs for you and difficult child.
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Your pediatrician sounds absolutely wonderful! Can you take him/her with you when you move? :doctor: I mean, you are going somewhere warm....surely she would like to go.

    I'm so sorry for your difficult child. It's heartbreaking. While she may not know how to follow through, just knowing that she's thinking and feeling that way, and at such a young age, is devastating. My heart goes out to her and to you.
  15. lordhelpme

    lordhelpme New Member

    {{HUGS}} i know how heartbreaking it is for your little one to even think like that let alone voice it!
  16. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    The whole ordeal had to have been very heartbreaking. How wonderful that your doctor stepped up to the plate when needed.

    Banana bread. Mmmmm.
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I just had to restrain her... she attacked me because she just can not keep her hands to herself, she is all over difficult child 2, they are on each other, so difficult child 2 kicks her. I tell her "I asked you please leave her alone. So she kicked you", she freaked out and attacked me... only spit once! the punching was much softer. I think she is tired. THen she collapsed and fled sobbing, came back in crying "I am so sorry Mommy"

    Give this poor kid a MOOD STABILIZER already...

    Of course it is raining...
  18. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I agree. I would have a serious discussion with psychiatrist about the mood stabilizer. It has to be hard on the central nervous system to be so up and down like that. Poor kiddo.
  19. oceans

    oceans New Member

    Did you document all of this? Yes, I would come right out with all my concerns and say you feel it is time to start a trial of a mood stabilizer!!!!
  20. habibi

    habibi New Member

    Reading your post triggered some awful memories. My little girl (who is now 20 years old) would say and do the same things. I'm fighting back the tears remembering the feelings of compassion and dread and helplessness that would engulf me simultaneously.

    Midwest Mom is correct about Lithium. Our daughter was trialed with many different mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics and anti-depressants. Then, when she was 16 years old, she was finally diagnosed with Bipolar II (depressive) with sleep disorder and psychosis. When she started taking Lithium and Prozac, the death wishes and suicide attempts ended, and our girl started feeling "normal" for the first time in her life.

    There is hope. She is now finishing up her sophomore year in college with a 3.84 GPA. She is full of life and is enthusiastic about her future.

    Hang in there.