I can seee both points. difficult child does need a physical outlet; you need some consequence for him sassing you.
I'm a very firm believer of the punishment fitting the crime, especially for Aspies. Natural consequences. Otherwise it doesn't get seen as punishment, it is seen as vengeance. And the trouble with it being seen by the child as vengeance - they waste all their energy on resentment with none left over for, "What should I be learning from this?"
We did a lot better when we stopped reacting aggressively to difficult child 3's aggressive verbal outbursts. What used to happen - difficult child 3 wouold shout at usbecause something wasn't quite right, we would react with, "Don't you dare talk to us like that!", difficult child 3 would yell even more, it would escalate until it ended with us having to punish difficult child 3. The initial trigger - never deralt with. The lesson - what lesson? He would be seething with indignation and a strong sense of injustice while we would be seething at the shocking behaviour and the stress of it all. And it would all happen again - next day, or even next minute.
"Explosive Child" taught us a lot. Once I worked out that the outbursts were often triggered by frustration and panic combined, I learned to take a step back.
Example: [same sandwich scenario]
Parent: Here is the sandwich you wanted.
difficult child: You did it wrong! I wanted it cut into triangles, not squares! Now I have crust on three sides of each piece instead of one! And you put tomato sauce on it instead of barbecue sauce - I'm not eating that!
Parent: You don't want it? I did it wrong? If you want it done exactly how you want it then you should make it yourself. I'll take this sandwich and find someone who will appreciate it more. [parent leaves]
Outcome - no escalation, but natural consequences are, the child has to make his own sandwich or go without. Making a sandwich is not a big chore, but a chore nevertheless.
But what about the disrespect? We don't pretend it hasn't happened. However, when switching to this technique we did swallow a lot for a while until he had learned to focus on the problem itself and not escalate. So here is the same scenario, as it happens in our house now -
Example: [same sandwich scenario]
Parent: Here is the sandwich you wanted.
difficult child: You did it wrong! I wanted it cut into triangles, not squares! Now I have crust on three sides of each piece instead of one! And you put tomato sauce on it instead of barbecue sauce - I'm not eating that!
Parent: Did you ask me to do it that way? Let's try this again, shall we? Now, I have just done something nice for you by making this sandwich, I really didn't have to. OK, I didn't make it exactly how you wanted it, but I still spent MY time doing something for YOU. Now, how should you handle this? "Thank you mother, for making me this sandwich."
difficult child: But you did it wrong!
Parent: OK, we will deal with that next.Now say after me, "Thank you mother..."
difficult child [grumbling]: Thank you mother, for making my sandwich. But you did it wrong!
Parent: Now for the next bit. I did it wrong. I'm sorry, we all make mistakes sometimes. You should say, "Mum, I didn't want it this way. Can you please fix it how I like it?"
difficult child [now following the pattern - in sing-song way] Mum, I didn't want it this way. Can you please fix it how I like it?
Parent: Certainly son, since you asked me so nicely. I can't take off all the tomato sauce but I can put barbecue on top of it so you won't taste the other stuff. ANd if you don't mind smaller pieces, I can cut it into triangles. Watch! [parent cuts each small square in half diagonally]
difficult child: [calmly] Thanks Mum.
Outcome - storm averted, but lesson in manners was still delivered and politeness restored - without a storm. difficult child also learned that it's OK to admit and apologise when you make a mistake; that mistakes can be rectified (or at least minimised); that respect and politeness is important; that when someone does something nice for you, even if they get it wrong, you should be gracious about it; andabove all, that parents are helpers and not obstacles to be fought.
Through this second scenario, you need to be prepared to back off and put it in Basket C if the lesson is not working. But for us, we've been able to increase the social pressure to this point because difficult child 3 has increasingly been able to handle it.
The intialscream and rage - I don't react now. Generally once he calms down, difficult child 3 will apologise these days before I need to say anything. And a big plus - other people now comment on how polite he is, because he's learnt that if WE insist on respect being shown (by coaching him through it gently) then he should show even more respect to people he doesn't know as well.
Mind you, he still gets it badly wrong. This afternoon we drove his best friend and friend's mother K to the psychiatrist appointment (they had the appointment after us). We have a big vehicle. Because we live in a tiny isolated village, a trip to the "mainland" is a special event and we use it to advantage. K did her grocery shopping while we saw the doctor. Then while I got back into the car K was standing outside the car talking on her cell phone. difficult child 3 leaned out the window and yelled, "K! get in the car NOW!"
Thankfully K is very forgiving. She acted like she hadn't noticed. I scolded difficult child 3 and said, "That sounded very rude! She is talking on her phone, I will wait for her. There is no rush. You shouldn't speak to her like that."
difficult child 3 had reacted not out of rudeness, but out of panic - he was scared I would drive off without K (not going to happen). He apologised to K when she got in the car.
UNderstanding that difficult child 3 was reacting out of fear meant I handed it differently. I didn't tell him to not be rude, instead I told him that it SOUNDED rude. I knew rudeness was not intended - but it sounded that way nevertheless.
Outcome - he learned to moderate his tone, and he also learned that I will not abandon a passenger, I'm more aware than he gave me credit for.
If your son is Aspie, it could account for a great deal. difficult child 1 was shocking when it came to personal hygiene. We had to remind him to deal with bowels. I had to threaten that I would get into the shower with him to wash his hair, if he didn't.
With both boys, toileting was a huge problem. A big part of it was lack of body awareness. Another big part of it was not recognising the importance of it. It just wasn't important - to them.
An important part of becoming a facilitator for the child instead of him seeing the parent as an obstacle - we involved the boys in decisions about them. We began this as early as we could - difficult child 3 was 8 when we finally were able to begin to explain to him about autism. And I remember with difficult child 1 when he was struggling at school, we involved him in the decision to change schools. We pushed a bit, but made sure he felt heard. We finally said, "I know you don't want to leave friends here. But you can see them on weekends. You will make more friends at the new school and your sisters are already there. Why not just try it for one term, then we will see how it is all going?"
With your difficult child, I would sit with him and talk things through, as you did with husband. Talk openly and frankly about the problems. No blame - just "these things are happening. We understand you don't have the same degree of physical control and there are other factors affecting all of this. We want to work together on this to find a way to help you, and to make things work in a good way."
For now, I would be setting things up to make it as easy as possible for yourself. Again, keep husband & difficult child in the loop, but get the plastic-covered mattress (although we found vinyl is better - it doesn't rustle, it's heavier and stays in placed better). Changing beds - yes, difficult child should be able to strip his own bed. He may not want to admit to having wet the bed; he may not always be sure he has. He also is likely to insist it's not necessary to strip the bed, if he's at that moment playing a computer game or something. He probably needs to be talked through it, maybe say, "Pause your game, it will still be there in five minutes' time, then if you like I will work with you to re-make your bed later on after it's all aired."
I would also talk to him about adult diapers at night (or similar). He may be horrified at the suggestion, but all options shouldbe on the table.
There should be no shame in any of this - if he feels it's all too hard then he will stop trying, and at the same time get nasty and defiant about it (implying that it IS in his control and he chooses to be nasty). He needs to see there is a good solution further down the road - and so do you.
I think at the moment with husband seeming to be as supportive as a strand of limp spaghetti, it would be very easy for your anger at husband to be sent through the roof by difficult child's problem behaviour. This increases the challenge of trying to handle him in a more Ross Greene kind of way.
Hang in there. It's hard right now, I do understand (even if what I've been describing above make it seem as if I think it's all really easy). The best you can do is try, and to also build in your own escape hatch.
At worst - detach, hand it all to husband. If he copes - you win. If he doesn't cope - you win, because he should better understand what it's doing to you.
Marg