I don't even know if I can come up with the words. I'm so used to burying this stuff so deep down that I don't know how to express it. I try not to even acknowledge it. But, today it's acknowledging me. It's not giving me a choice. It's making it's presence known in an undeniable way. And I'm afraid it's going to win again. I'm terrified of being back in that place. It's so heavy. It's oppressive and it's everywhere. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to be awake, I don't want to be seen. I want it to go away. But, it won't. It just never ends. I scheduled an appointment with a therapist on 9/3, but I honestly don't know what I'll say to him. I look outside and see all of this beauty, but inside all I see is darkness and despair. I find no joy. There is no peace. I can't do this on my own again. I can't. I have to. I don't know how. Not this time. This is different. This is insidious. I don't think it ever went away completely. I think it laid there lurking until I was weak and it saw it's opportunity.