Insert witty title here...too mad to think of one

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mstang67chic, Nov 19, 2007.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't make difficult child do anything...even husband can't if difficult child truly doesn't want to do it. Which is surprising since although difficult child is 6'2", husband is 6'5" and a lot bigger than difficult child.

    This morning I stuck difficult child's gameboy in my room to make sure he didn't take it to school. I forgot and locked it in there so he wasn't able to get to it when he got home. He called me on my cell FIVE MINUTES after getting home, all spazed out because he didn't have that game in his hands right then and there. To me, if you're jonesing that bad for a video game, there's a problem. When I got home I gave it to him with the condition that he had a two hour limit. I explained my reasoning for this (see above comment about jonesing) and of course that went over oh so well. I then told him that he could continue to argue with me and lose the two hours completely or stop and be able to play. He kept arguing so I told him to give it to me. He's holding it behind him, above his head, anywhere I can't get to it, all the while telling me no. At this point he's also going into his speil about how I treat him like a kid, he's growing up/almost 18, I'm controlling and overbearing...etc. My responses range from "my house, my rules" to "I'm the parent, that's my job" He then decides that he doesn't want to live here anymore and demands I give him his Grandmother's number (bio) so he can call her and go live with her. (Two hours away) When I immediately got it, I think I threw him for a second because he didn't call her right away, but instead tried the whole "you're controlling and overbearing" bit again. When that didn't work, he then called his grandma and left a message for her to call him because he needs to talk to her. (And no, she won't let him live with her.) by the way......husband wasn't home and isn't home a lot in the evenings so I get to enjoy the fun that is my life bymyself a lot of the time. (It's not by choice that he isn't here.....he works retail)

    This has been our life lately and getting worse. He refuses to do what you ask/say, tells us no, laughs in our faces, acts like a 3 year old with a forbidden sucker and then complains we treat him like a child. I physically can not make him do anything. I finally got his gameboy into my posession tonight. While he was leaving a message for his grandma, I realized that he had laid the game down. Just as he hung up, I literally RAN through the house to grab it and had to actually tackle it on the chair it was lying on. He was hot on my heels (I had to push him while I was running........I should join the Colts as a receiver or something) and he actually tried to wrestle it away from me. (But he's not acting like a child)

    I'm just so unbelievably frustrated and sick of all of his :censored2:. I know in some ways I'm lucky because there are a lot worse things that could be going on but I still don't honestly know how much I can take. I feel like I've long since passed the end of my rope and everytime I try to grab the end, I get ahold of a frayed section that only stays connected for a short time and then I'm frantically reaching for another strand.

    I called his case manager from the counseling/services office we go through. Poor thing.....I knew I wouldn't get a definate solution from her simply because there isn't one...I just wanted to vent I guess. But now she feels bad because there's nothing she can really do or say to help and we both know it. But yet she knows how frustrating it is. He pulls the same :censored2: with her at school. (She and some others sit in class with an example... she told me tonight that he was drawing and marking in one of his text books in class the other day, using a blue marker. She told him to stop and he flat out told her no. So she tried to get it from him and he did the same thing with her as he does with me...holds it away, behind the back...whatever works. She finally grabbed it from him when he wasn't paying attention. The teacher then gave them worksheets to do and he demanded his pen/marker back. She asked him if he was still going to mark in his book and he said yes so she told him that he wasn't getting it back until the end of class. So there's just one more flipping thing husband and I will get to pay for.)

    It really takes a lot to make me cry and I've been on the verge of tears all night. I'm so tense my neck, shoulders, and upper back are killing me. He could walk out that door right now and I don't honestly know how much I would really care. Which kind of scares me because he's slowly killing any positive emotions that I feel for him and I don't want to see that happen. But then again, there are times that I don't even care if that happens.

    There really isn't any respite options, family either isn't in the school district (and too far to take him to school) or isn't healthy enough to deal with him. None of our friends can take him and I wouldn't do that to them. The ones that are close are the ones who don't fully grasp the situation and I don't want to lose what few friends I have.

    I'm just..........done......fed up....beyond fed up....I don't know what I am anymore.

    Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading this far if you've stuck around. Guess I just needed to vent some more.
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Okay, I'm mean. I admit it. He damaged a textbook. He, i.e., you, have to pay for that damage. He has a Gameboy that can be sold. Sell the dang thing to pay for the textbook.

    I'd quit playing games with him. No football practice in the house. If he won't give it up as appropriate, let him have it (whatever it is for that evening) for now. Get it when he's asleep and get rid of it. No more battles, no more chase to get it, no more hand tag to grab it, no more .....

    My daughter used to give me the I'm almost an adult garbage. I simply reminded her that almost is not the same thing and until she carried her full weight financially, I had a right to make the rules in my house. If she didn't like them, the door hadn't been moved and she was welcome to walk through it. I quit arguing. I quit demanding. I also quit doing. There were no rides to here or there. There weren't any little goodies brought home because I thought she would like them. It saved a lot of grief and got the message across far better than my words ever could.
  3. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    i agree with ww

    my son use to do that when he was like 4 then i started literally throwing the toys away right in front of him
    granted they were just cheap toys and i could handle him physically but hey whatever works if he can't respect you then he doesn't deserve the nice things you buy him jmho
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    First, HUGS HUGS HUGS. Your pain is loud and clear. I am so sorry.

    OK. I am with MB 1000%. He is testing you. Oops! He failed.

    Do this with the most deadpan face you can. The less emotion you show, the better. If he thinks he can get a rise out of you, he wins.

    Take the gameboy, sell it to pay for the book. End of story. Lesson learned, or if not, up the stakes next time.
  5. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Well, hell :crying:

    Why didn't you email me? :9-07tears: You know I have no life and I live on the internet.

    Good for you for running for G-ma's phone number. You know, I woulda done the same thing on any of my own kids. You want to go? I'll help you pack. You think the grass is greener over there? Well........

    But that doesn't mean it makes it any easier.

    Yeah, he's testing you. Geez, over a Game Boy.

    I can relate to how you feel. I've felt that way, many, many times, over my kids. I had a long period of time I had just said I had given up on Brandon, and that was that. But things turn around. And they will for you too. It doesn't look like it right now, I know. But I bet they will.

    Get me if you need me :flower: I do have a 6 pack of those new Smirnoff Green Tea things in the fridge. Have you tried them? They don't even taste like alcohol. They taste like tea. Sweet tea. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. And I have another case out back in the enclosed porch :smile:
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  7. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Mini update: husband talked to difficult child after he got home from work. difficult child of course tried to either shift all blame to others or deny things. No big surprise there.

    Grandma called difficult child back and talked to husband and I first. During the conversation she mentioned that she keeps her distance out of fear of saying the wrong thing to difficult child or making things worse. To that I had two responses. #1 was that as for tonight, unless she told difficult child to pack his bags, she was on her way to wisk him away to her house where he could live rule free and receive everything his grubby little heart would be the wrong thing and not to worry about it.

    The other thing I told her was that I think it would be good for him to talk to her more. He has the thickest pair of rose colored glasses where his bio family is concerned. I think it would do him good to hear from bio-G'ma that we (husband and I) as parents are doing the same things every other parents do. We're not expecting the impossible from him and there's nothing wrong with our parenting. (She is right there with us fortunately!) I think he needs to hear from someone in his bio family that things wouldn't be any different in her/their house than it is here as for rules, expectations, etc. On a slight side note, she gave me an update on difficult child's bio mom. (We never knew any of these people until we adopted difficult child and husband and I have never met bio mom) BM recently commented to G'ma (her mother) that a couple of her kids were now 18 and she was curious to see how long it took them to seek her out. (AT the time we got difficult child, BM had had 4 kids and didn't have custody of any of them. She has since had another one who is now 7 and still lives with BM) G'ma asked her if she really wanted them to seeing as how she's in and out of jail/work release, drinking/drugging and living in a hovel with a man who's done nothing other than contribute DNA to the latest child. She told her that she should really concentrate on getting her life together and doing right by herself before she subjects her kids to that stuff more than she has before she lost her rights. I had to chuckle at that. Apparently, G'ma is now on BM's **it list. I told G'ma that it seems like we're both controlling and overbearing and that we should get t-shirts. :devil:

    So anywhoo, difficult child was on the phone with G'ma for quite awhile but in the other room so I wasn't able to hear any of the conversation. He seemed to be in a better mood when he came out. We'll see.

    P.S. difficult child's case worker was going to ask about the book at school. I asked her to see if difficult child could work off the cost himself by doing things at the school. Even if we have to fork out $$, I still would love to see him get his hands dirty.

  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Sounds like grandmother is a gem. Definitely keep her on staff, tell her that whatever she said, seemed to be right.

    We would handle things differently to you, which is why I didn't post before. Not that we're right and you're wrong - how would I know? You deal with what you have to deal with, I really can't connect since our situation is different. I gather, however, that what you DID do was consistent, and this is a good thing.

    A lot of how things work for you are too different to our situation, I don't think I can be much help here other than to simply be around to 'listen' to you vent when you need to.

    I hope he stays settled down for you and can see that you ARE trying to help him.

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Mustang -

    He's almost 18 - whats the plan for him then? More of this until he's 21, more of this while you wait for him to grow up? been there done that and threw our kid into a group home. He has been told to grow up by the group home. And if he doesn't comply with their rules - he goes to a work camp.

    My son is also a tall child and did the keep away game. Our psychiatric told us when he does that - walk away. If you give him no attention he can't cause a scene with you. No audience no play.

    As far as him being grown up? My son is 17 and behaves just this year like he's maybe 12 or 13. Due to his PTSD he's psychologically reached his summit in maturation. When I heard that I almost fell over - life like this forever? HE((+ no. So we devised a plan, but difficult child got arrested and put into jail before it happened, which is the ONLY thing that's making him tow the line and he's towing it very thinly - he has 3 years of probation - he'll be 20 and still towing the line. Up until now I had hoped that he would mature, or realize he's really 17 and grow up - but it's not going to happen. Not in my house. We even checked boot camps and wilderness programs. They checked his record and said NO thank you. Sadly for our kid - it's either life lessons and pray he gets a grip or prison.

    Whats sadder yet is me saying "but at least he will be out of my house and I won't have a stroke again." Doesn't leave much room for dreams about him.

    Can you talk to someone about boot camp?? Just a thought.
  10. Cat63

    Cat63 New Member

    I cant offer any help only sympathy, my 13yrd old does exactly the same things. I have been to several dr & therapists who all tell me to give punishment that means something to him but there is nothing he cares about. I have done the run around with video, stereo, ipod, computer, i have passwords & have hidden things so well i cannot remember where i hid them anymore. I am starting to feel as though my love for my child is dying and wonder how i would feel if he were gone which frightens me terribly. i LOVE my child but am so tired of fighting like today it is snowing heavily, but for what ever reason my son refuses to wear anything more than a short sleeve shirt & hoodie i have already been sent home a letter reminding me of the weather change & that my child should be dress accordingly my sons response ****. I feel for you.
  11. Cat63

    Cat63 New Member

    PS has anyone tried hypnosis?
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Ugh, video games! husband and M are both addicted. Honestly why I didn't stomp the thing to bits 20 years ago is beyond me.

    in my humble opinion, if he's wrestling you for it, that's assault.

    At his age, he's old enough to make his decisions about this. He is, already, by letting it control his every waking moment, even when he's not using it. I'd let him take it to school and suffer the consequences. Of course, I'd give the school a head's up and tell them it's coming, and ask them to confiscate it should it get in the way there. Tell them not to send it home - if they take it away there, they get to decide when and under what circumstances he gets it back there.