It feels like a war of attrition

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by slsh, Jun 7, 2015.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    My heart is broken yet again for difficult child. His first girlfriend (C), the one he used to go awol from TLP to stay with, the one he lived with off and on for those 2 lost years in Chicago, committed suicide last night. Heroin. She left notes. He had maintained contact with her over the years until just recently, when her addiction became too much for him to deal with.

    We just marked the third anniversary of another girlfriend's (B) suicide this week, the one he had toyed with the idea of proposing to.

    This is the 4th death of a loved one he's had to survive - 3 suicides and 1 murder. He's 24.

    I ache for his losses. I also ache for the loss of these young people - gifted, talented, artistic, troubled. Somehow, we're missing something here. How can we be losing so many of our young ones? Why is suicide such a reasonable option in their minds?

    But then, I remember when he was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) #2, and he went to a mall and met a random girl who ended up being a cutter with some very serious issues. I remember a discussion on the board about how our kids will find fellow DCs anywhere, any time, regardless of circumstance. It's like they have Difficult Child radar. And I have to wonder if this is part and parcel of having a circle of friends who are DCs.... and I seriously just want to stomp my feet and scream out to the universe that it's not fair. Enough already. Enough pain that drives these young people to think there's no other option, and enough pain for the ones they leave behind. Just.... enough.

    He's been doing well. Passed state and then national exam for his EMT license. Has been making plans to leave the Midwest. Got sidelined by a back injury and we're waiting for that to be fully defined, but he's been doing really well.

    This morning when he walked in, I think the hardest part was his air of sad resignation. No raw grief, more like mild surprise that it took her this long to OD, intentional or not.

    He's decided to leave the Midwest sooner rather than later. I fully support that decision. I *pray* with all my heart that he will be able to build a new friend group of, if not PCs, then at least relatively minor DCs. He's endured more loss than anyone I know.

    Please hold a good thought for C's family and her friends.
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. It is indeed not fair!

    I too lost a dear and beloved friend to suicide last winter. Despite all trouble, despite understanding all the hurt that led to that decision, it just feels so very wrong, that we are robbed that extraordinary human life, all that talent and brightness that never got to flourish to its fullest. All those, what could had beens.

    I'm so sorry for your loss and your son's.
  3. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry and am sending good thoughts for your son. Sounds like a fresh start in a new place may be just the gamechanger he needs.

  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so very sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to your son and to C's family.
    Prayers and warm wishes for all who are impacted.
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Sish I am so sorry. Over and over I hear that "the friends tell the story" In terms of where our dcs are in their lives. The fact that he has taken some steps for himself will put him in contact with different people and I pray that will be a good thing for your son.

    I am so sorry for his ex girlfriend's family and like you said, the waste of her precious life.

    It is not for us to understand. But that doesn't make it any easier to bear. Warm hugs for you.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Very, very sorry for all the tragic loss your son has seen and for the families of those who lost beloved children.

    I do think we attract people who are like us and we crave like-minded people too. If we are a mess inside, we will attract messes. I am so glad your son has decided to try to make changes. I wish him well.
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    My heart goes out to you and your family. Your son has endured too much loss for someone his age, it's just so, so sad.

    Prayers and good thoughts for your son as he readies himself to embark on a new chapter in his life.

    ((HUGS)) to you....................
  8. tishthedish

    tishthedish Active Member

    It's unimaginable in the time when I was growing up that something like this would happen. To happen so often is a terrible sign that our children and grandchildren are facing a very different and harsher reality than we had ever thought possible. There is something too that touches you in a different way when it was someone we had loved. I recently found out that someone I had dated for 3 years during college had died in 2010. He was 53. We had lost touch, but it was an odd feeling that someone who had been such a big part of my life was gone. Prayers for all the family and friends involved. I wish your son the very best.
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I am glad you were there for your son. I am grateful that was not a choice either of my children successfully completed. You have had to be very strong and your son has had to be very strong. It is good to know he will be helping, that he chose a career where he can help.

    I agree that our kids and our grands have grown into a world very different than the one we grew into.

    Wishing all of you well and happy and strong, slsh.