Its been awhile

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Ally, Mar 21, 2009.

  1. Ally

    Ally New Member

    difficult child is still up to the same tricks with the exception of the life of crime (or being caught). She is still floating from place to place, man bed to mans bed, working anyone she can to get her needs met. She has floated around the province for the last 10 months doing God only knows what, only contacting me when she needs something. She was up North for 4.5 months and started calling, saying that she was living on the street, had nothing, blah, blah, you know the story and wanted to come home. I told her that she was more than welcome to come home on the understanding that she would have to take the first treatment bed that became available for her. She agreed... (or manipulated me into thinking that maybe she was ready to change)

    Home she came on a Thursday, and by Tuesday we found her a bed in the lower mainland. Off we went, on the ferry, spent the night in Vancouver, took her to the Treatment place in the am and she refused to stay!! I was livid. And I left her there. She made it back to our town about a week later (like I said, very "resourceful"), stayed here (in town NOT at my house) for a few weeks, took back off to Vancouver with a guy who quickly grew tired of her and then shipped her off to the Island, where she stayed for 6 weeks (where?? no clue, dont wanna know).

    She has been back in our town for the last several months, on welfare, but up until Wed, floating from place to place, sleeping with God knows who to get what she wants, and sees nothing wrong with the way that she is living. She only calls when she wants something and the conversation goes like this. "Hi Mom, Can I ask you a question?" Im SO sick of it.

    She wont help herself, she wont look for a job, but wants to take me for coffee when she gets "paid" next week. She has just started paying by the week at a hotel but can only eat things that can be cooked with boiling water and are non perishable as there is no kitchenette, micro, or fridge.

    I am having such a hard time being nice to her. I wouldnt be friends with someone who acts the way she does, so how do you be nice? I cant make small talk with her, I dont want to know/approve of what she is doing, so I pretty much have nothing to say but to nag her to change, which of course, doesnt work. I dont really want to be seen with her because of the people that she associates with (drug dealers, scumbags, etc) I think that she is trying in her own funny way, but I dont think that I have it in me to try. Im tired of being kicked, Im tired of being taken advantage of, Im tired of giving to her especially when she thinks she is above everyone and expects it, and that she shouldnt have to work to provide for herself.

    How do I get rid of these feelings? How do I start to be nice to her again? How do we(I) start to rebuild our relationship? Im not willing to bring her back into our family and pretend that everything is hunky dory, I cant put the rest of the family, or myself, through that again. Anyone have any advice??

    Thanks

    Ally
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That is such a hard question and I know how you feel. I always loved my daughter, but I didn't like her very much when she was snorting every drug she could grind in a pillcrusher. I don't have any answers, but I wanted you to know that I understand. (((Hugs))).
     
  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Your post reminds me of the old saying that goes something like "A relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in the relationship" (sorry a pretty bad paraphrase - but you get the drift).

    So - the thing is that your relationship with your daughter is going to be pretty rocky until she gets her act together.

    Your feelings are very understandable. If might help to sort out your feelings in terms of her behaviors (I don't like her behaviors) versus your feelings about her as a human being (I love my daughter as a person). Sometimes that helps me.

    One of the best books I have ever read is 'Boundaries'. There is also a "Boundaries with Kids" by the same authors. It really had helped me to figure out how to engage with people who are not healthy. I might recommend you try getting a copy.

    ((((hugs))))
     
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi Ally,

    I think GG's advice about separating your feelings about the person versus the behaviors is critical as a first step.

    And I also needed to commit to trying to do a better job of communicating with Rob myself.

    That was so difficult for me. I got so tired of always nagging Rob that I had to force myself to stop. I had to teach myself how to talk to him differently and I had to teach him what I would and wouldn't accept in any kind of interaction with me.

    Take a look at this thread from our archives. It was instrumental in re-establishing our relationship.

    http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=685

    Caller ID also helped me immensely for the longest time. If you don't have it I would strongly urge you to sign up for it. I admit that some times when I didn't think I could behave the "right" way, I just didn't answer the phone when he called. I figured that no matter how old our kids are, we are still supposed to be role models and take the lead on this. You have to be honest with yourself and sometimes you won't like the answer you give yourself about your own behavior :bag: .

    If he got out of control on a call I would give him one warning- "Rob, if you can't talk to me with respect, I will hang up the phone."

    And if his diatribe continued, I would say, "Rob, I am hanging up now. I will be happy to talk to you when you can control yourself." And I would hang up.

    If it was a face to face visit and he got disrespectful I'd say the same thing.....that if he couldn't get himself in control that I was leaving...and I'd leave.

    Slowly but surely he learned to talk and act differently and I learned to talk and act differently. This has progressed over a period of several years now. It is not a quick fix. But it is worth it.

    Hugs to you,
    Suz
     
  5. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member

    Ally, I have said the same thing "I wouldnt be friends with someone who acts the way she [he] does" about my own son. I'm sorry you are going through this. I have no advice, I wish I did!

    Suz, thank you for posting the archive thread. That was very helpful to me as I just answered an email from my son without as much as a "hi". He just needed something. Your archive thread helped me (hopefully) respond appropriately.
     
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I also understand. GFGmom is 70% someone I would never ever want to be around by choice. Sometimes the 30% comes out and she usually says something like "I've thought about this, Mom, the way you taught me to" and then she proudly shares something that she has done appropriately.

    Since she is the Mother of easy child/difficult child and difficult child (plus a difficult child little girl) I just can't cut her off. on the other hand I do everything possible to NOT get sucked into her off the wall life choices. It is hard. You are not alone. DDD
     
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