It's official....I'm in over my head

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, Jan 20, 2009.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    As you know, this country gives a person little time to recover, grieve for a lost loved one. If you get a week to process you are extremely lucky.

    I'm currently being bombarded by calls, crisis's & school issues. I've yet to leave my house since husband's funeral. Tomorrow I must enter the real world to attend some of my own appointments, an appointment at school for kt & a therapist appointment for kt. The next day is more of the same.

    kt was supposed to go to therapist but locked herself in the bathroom & crisis team was called out. After all was said & done PCA hauled kt off to a movie (a comedy - "I need to laugh & forget, mom"). For the first time since husband died I have time to myself.

    I'm numb ....... I'm stumbling thru day to day & barely accomplishing anything. I sleep when I can .... when I can't sleep I stay buried under my blankets. For the first time since I've become a parent, I have little to nothing left for my children.

    When does this get easier? When does that heavy lump in my throat go away? I guess I have questions that can't be answered ~ "it's just a matter of time". I'm so tired of hearing that & it's not been 2 weeks since husband has died.

    Just needed to talk.

  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I'm sorry you are hurting so, the closest person to me to die was my Dad and all I can say is it hurts. (((HUGS)))
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Linda, While depression is a given in your situation perhaps you need just a bit of help right now. Have you concidered talking to your doctor about taking medication short term to help you through this? -RM
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2009
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I see no need to rush your feelings. This is not a race. You need to process them, however long it takes. Something has been ripped from your life. The void is there, like a fresh wound, painful and demanding you do something about it. It will always be there to a degree, but you will figure out your own way to help it heal. The scar will remain, but as you continue on your journey, new growth will appear around that scar and reshape your life from that experience.

    Be good to yourself. There is no shame in needing time. If the world does not give it, then demand it, carve it out and take it for yourself. Everyone else will wait. I promise that!

    Did the hospital give you any information about grief support groups? I understand that they can be very helpful.
  5. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Linda,
    no real answers but I do understand, my husband died as well. My kids were 12, 8 and 5 at the time. I felt like I had nothing left and in fact I kind of acted like a single person for about a year. I knew intellectually that you are not supposed to make any big decisions in the 1st year and yet I began dating a few months after my husband's death and became seriously involved with a guy who had 4 kids and was totally wrong for me. Luckily it didn't last. I think I became a stranger to my kids during that time, I was not myself at all--or rather I was myself but was disregarding the fact that I was still a mom.

    I know so well your feelings about people saying it takes time and it's only been 2 weeks. That is how I felt too--like, okay, it takes time but my gosh time is moving so slowly, how will I ever get through the 1st month, let alone the 1st year? It just seems there is nothing that anyone can do or say that really helps.

    Take care, we are all thinking of you. Keep coming here and talking, maybe it will help some and in the long run I think it will help a lot.

  6. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I can't imagine the pain and anger that you must feel, but I will send you hugs and prayers that this will get easier for you. I wish I could come and hold your hand for a while.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Linda, I am so sorry for your pain. I can't imagine. I, too, have a husband who is a (recovering) addict. His use has seriously affected our relationship. I love the man with all my heart and soul, but when I think about the pain his addiction caused my children and I, I get so angry. If he had died as a result of his choices, I don't know how I would have felt. I imagine you have such conflicting feelings and they change from one minute to the next. When husband was in recovery it took me a lot of Alanon(Narcanon) meetings to get to the point where I understood that nothing I did caused his addiction. Be easy with yourself. Do what you can, and what you can't do, delegate. Is your family still with you? Can someone come and stay until you have a chance to recoup from the loss? I wish I were nearby----Call whoever you can. Reach out. Keep posting. Hugs.
  8. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    I'm sorry Linda.

    Grief has no timetable.

  9. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I am so very sorry. I'm also glad you are "talking"'s important. My response would have been very close to gvcmom so I will not repeat. I will say that a grief support group could help in more ways than one...I have heard positive things. Many {{{hugs}}} coming your way.
  10. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest


    Life has dealt you a really crappy hand the last couple of years. It's ok to hide under your blankets, to grieve, to get angry...hell, to get p!ssed off even. No guilt over doing what you need to do to get through this.

    I don't know when this will get easier. I don't know when the lump in your throat will go away. I wish I did. I wish I had some magic words that could ease your pain.

    But, I do know that one day you will be caught off guard smiling or even laughing. And for that fleeting moment, the pain will not be so acute. And then you will know that you are starting to heal.

    (((((hugs))))) my friend.
  11. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. Everyone's grieving process and time are different. You don't have to keep to a "schedule of grieving". I will tell you that it does get better - eventually. My husband died 4 years ago in April. I can't believe it has been almost 4 years. There are times that it is really hard still, particularly when I am dealing with stuff with the kids. I get mad at him because I am left to deal with all of their issues.

    When my husband died, I took 1 week off of work. I couldn't afford to take off more. But it also kept me busy. I had just started my job 2 weeks before he died. I needed my job! Helping my kids and working helped me through those first hard months.

    I have moved on now, I am seeing a wonderful man that loves me and my kids. He has been with me through all the problems with the kids and is extremely understanding.

    Linda, you will smile again, you will laugh again.

    Big hugs,

  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Linda. Keeping your family in my prayers.
  13. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm so sorry, Linda. Please accept my condolences. Grief does indeed have its own timetable, as gg said. There's so much to work through and it can't be done all at once. Take all the time you need (my husband and his brother needed years, not weeks or months, to process their brother's unexpected death); be good to yourself; don't pay any attention to what other people say about 'moving on'. {{{hugs}}}
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Time does bring about healing the grief, but the amount of time varies from person to person. You have a right to feel all the emotions you're feeling. It's good to get them out in the open. It reeks that you've been delt so much to deal with all at once. I know I'm not the only one here who wishes they could be there to help you thru it all.

    You and the Tweedles are in my prayers, and in my thoughts.

  15. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda, my friend,

    I think that lump in your throat is going to be there for a while. But, as you have done with the **** that life has thrown at you the last couple years, you will do what you have to do. You have no choice.

    Perhaps that is why life keeps going. Perhaps that is why the school meetings have to be taken care of, the doctor appts have to be kept, and the laundry has to be done. To remind us that we are here and life goes on. Whether it's feeding Sally, talking to wm on the phone, calming kt, or filling the bird feeders in the sanctuary, the things that fill your day remind you that you are here and there is worth in the living.

    You will find the time you need to process the grief, tackle the paperwork, and care for the kids. You a strong woman Linda. I am confident you will handle this with strength and grace.

    Know that I continue to pray for you and the kids several times daily and you know I am but a phone call away.

  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    Take whatever time you need to in order to handle your grief. I do think a grief support group will be helpful WHEN YOU ARE READY. If you need to stay buried under the blankets for a few weeks, enlist the PCA's and in-home therapists and aides at school to help with kt. Do appointments by phone if you are not feeling up to going out. (I think my mom did her therapy by phone for most of 4 years - and her therapist seemed to not have a problem with that.) Write whatever you need the doctor to know and fax it to them with your phone number. Same for kt's therapist. Have the PCA take her, and fax whatever you feel he needs to know to him. Or call or email it to him.

    Again, when you are ready, AlAnon may help you deal with all of your feelings. Just because your husband died does not mean you will be able to skip dealing with all of those feelings. But don't go until you are physically up to it and emotionally up to it.

    I am so sorry.

    Remember we love you, kt and wm. And we loved your husband, even though he was acting hurtfully.
  17. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    gentle hugs..... I am so sorry, I can no even imagine the anxiety and grief you're struggling with. Maybe some art therapy? I seem to recall you like pottery? Some mindless time with clay or even fingerpaints, might help. I know when I get really out of it, I like to color. It seems to help. Know I am praying.....
  18. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    I am so sorry for your pain & the pressure of everything. technicalities legalities etc can be so awful. when my first husband passed we had no kids.....& I had no service for him as he had only me. I worked at a tiny place that couldn't handle my absence & I was so young I couldn't cover time not working so I missed 2 days. when my best friend passed 3 years ago her husband was so deep in debt due to her illness he could onlt miss 2 days work & he needed our help with things as sadly he cannot read & he has 2 young children. I reunited with my mom on the start of her final illness....beiing a hospice nurse myself by profession...i became her primary caregiver & mentor to my not yet of legal age much younger brother ...his dad passed away a few years prior....alas....if u mite remember at the same time my husband who was theoretically watching our kids wound up ill & in icu & then my son poked out his eye & I wound up torn conflicted overwhelmed over burdened & my difficult child & easy child wound up rather neglected. my husband docs were irate I wasn't with my very ill possibly dying husband & my sons docs were incensed I was alone 5 hours from home with son especially after son had surgical complications. the general world prefers not to consider any individual. persons difficulties. they want things the way they want them when they want so as to make their own job or life easier. I actually remember answering a telemarketer call the day my mom died & I hollered into the phone to please not call cuz we just had a death..& they just kept right on yakking. I pray you will be able to find your way to be able to tend to what must be tended to. all any person can ever do is all a person can do. after that sometimes family or friends help or you simply hope & pray nothing will turn out too awful. you can only do what you can do. hugs
  19. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Linda, I know. I really, really know. And it will come in waves over and over, but yet subside just as the tides do. Death seems to be its own entity, one we on this earth have little control over, but one that is rather spiritual and deep within our souls.

    One of the worst parts is others perception of death, and their lack of empathy. I remember going back to work 1 week after H had died, and my boss going on a 2 hour tirade about everything I do wrong. It was unbelievable. And yet, the real world still went on, and no one really cared about what I had just gone through. So I stuffed the grief down and went on.

    The problem I am finding now is that I suppressed all of that grief to get back to my life - but now I am having huge repercussions. I wish I had taken and allowed myself more time to grieve. To just feel. I wish I resisted the urge to move on for a little longer, but rather processed my loss.

    Do what it takes Linda, and allow yourself to just be.
    Many hugs and love being sent your way.
  20. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I don't think I could possibly add to anything that's been said. But....we are here. You have phone numbers for some of us...don't be afraid to use them if you need to.

    Sending lots of hugs.