I've had ENOUGH!!!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Sep 9, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I drug myself out of the house because I felt guilty not seeing my son in jail.

    husband,easy child and I are sitting in the lobby waiting for the guard to come out and in walks my ex-mother in law. She hasn't seen me or easy child in so long she didn't even know it was us sitting there. easy child says "is that my grandmother?" and I said "yes" She then said "what is wrong with her?" I don't know if she was drunk or high or both but she went right to the door and started banging on it demanding to see her son.

    I couldn't believe we would have to visit difficult child at the same time she would be visiting his dad. I asked easy child if she wanted to leave and she said no. husband was being very protective and explained to easy child that I didn't need to be going thru this right now with my health problems. I agreed to stay regardless of the problems that might happen.

    We get up to the guard and say our names......Our names are NOT on difficult child's visitor log. His grandmother (ex-mother in law) and his ex-girlfriend are the only names listed.

    "Sorry", the guard says "You can't visit unless your name is on the log"

    I can not believe this!!!! easy child was beside herself.

    I know anger helps with detaching and as angry as easy child and I were today I don't think either one of us will have a problem detaching further from difficult child.

    I started making excuses for difficult child, maybe this happened or
    he forgot or whatever and easy child and my mom quickly called my hand and said he knows what names he wrote down ~ stop making excuses for him!

    I felt as though someone had punched me in the chest the entire time I was in that lobby with ex-mother in law.

    I kept my kids away from bio-dad and his family and raised them on my own. difficult child sought them out when he started running away. They would let him smoke and drink and he could smoke pot with his dad ~ they were so cool to difficult child ~ now he is sitting in jail and his dad is there as well.

    I am tired.

    difficult child is on his own
  2. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I'm so sorry! First you stand your ground and wait while exMIL is right there and then you get slapped across the face like that with difficult child leaving you both off the list. My heart breaks for the both of you, this must have really hurt. (((hugs)))
  3. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Anger, shock, yes, it felt just like a slap across the face.

    I have been told over and over by difficult child that he knows he can't be around them or his other difficult child buddies or that ex-girlfriend.

    I guess the wool has been pulled off my eyes!!

  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Wrapping my arms around you in a big hug. I am so sorry.

    You have come so many steps forward. Please do what you have to in order to not slide back.

    Immediate prayers your way.
  5. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thanks BBK!

    I needed to hear that, it has been a rough day!

  6. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    No need to take any more of your time for difficult child. Sorry you had to go thru this.....enjoy your daughter and take care of yourself....THESE ARE HIS CHOICES.......you would have made much better ones.....

  7. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Awww ... I'm sorry.

    Your son is 18. He's an immature kid. He's angry. He's insensitive.

    As hard (impossible) as this seems ... try not to take it personally. Sitting in the clink will give him plenty of time to consider this. He'll come around.

    So sorry.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HH....has there been a change in him since he started spouting all his "come to Jesus" talk and now? Or did he simply leave off you and easy child and put your husband and his bio-idiots down on the visitors list because he knew you said you wouldnt ever visit?

    The reason I ask is because here they can only have 4 people on the list at a time and if you had said you would never visit...well...I can see him only putting people he thought would possibly visit him. Now here...if your husband was on it, he could take up to 4 people including him in with him at his visit. So he and you and easy child could have done that visit. Jails are such lovely, confusing places.

    Also...why is he worried about his bond increasing if he is so hell bent on staying in there and dealing with this until his court date at which time all this will be dealt with at that time? If bio-idiot hasnt paid...bio-idiot will be dealt with then.
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm so sorry!!!! Maybe Janet is right, that he thought you would never visit, so he didn't want to take up visitors space on the list and left it open for whom he thought would.

    who knows?????

    Detatch, detatch, detatch. Don't visit, don't take phone calls. Wait and see if he learns what he needs to while he's in there and if he comes around to his senses and changes his life, then you can allow yourself back in it.
  10. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    ant never put his dad on his list because he felt he would never visit (and he didnt) so he used his list for people he thought would come.

    it has to be so frustrating to have spent most of his life protecting him form these people and steering him right and now to see him right in the toilet with them.

    it is ok. he knows what you are and who you are. perhaps it is time he gets to know the read "them". that way he can choose where he wants his life to lead him.

    again, take care of you and let this lesson sink in for him.
  11. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    No Janet and Karen, I never told him I wouldn't visit, it was quite the opposite.

    The first sunday he could have visitors I had already paid entry fees for a barrel race and had plans to be out of town. Instead of changing everything, I told him I would see him the following sunday.

    The next sunday his pod wasn't allowed visit because of a fight,the next sunday the entire system had no visits because of something else, this was the first sunday that his pod was allowed visits.

    I got that poem and all the talk of 'seeing the light', then he had the juvie court date (has nothing to do with him in adult jail) and they locked his bio-dad up for failure to pay on the case.

    I don't know if he feels guilty or what about his dad being in jail, but the frantic call about the bail came while I was in the hospital. Honestly, my blood count was so down and the oxygen level so low, my thought process was very clouded and I just listened to what seemed like nonsense and when he finished ranting I just said there is nothing I can do from here.

    He was silent a minute and then said okay I love you and hung up.
  12. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I forgot to add this...

    I had tried to be as detached from him as possible, yet I still went down and put money on his books.

    We have a block on our home phone and decided to keep it that way so he wouldn't call and upset easy child.

    He could only call me at the shop and he only called about once a week.

    He can call my mother and get me thru a three way which is what he did for the hospital call

    I really am at a loss here. I haven't called his juvie po or anything to see what really happened at court.

    Yes, he is sitting in jail for mths and may not have any charges brought against him. I told him regardless if he had charges or not he did wrong and he is suffering the consequences for it.

    He seemed to accept this before, but has changed since his dad is locked up.

    I have no idea what is going thru his mind now. If he wanted to contact me, he knows my mom will let him

  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I would write and tell him that you had tried to visit and that you were not allowed since he had not put you on the list. Tell him that if he wants to see you and easy child he needs to change that and let you know that he has. If you hear nothing DETACH. If he appologizes and fixes the error on his list then go see him.
    I have learned with my difficult child to assume nothing. difficult child's either don't think or think differently. -RM
  14. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thanks RM ~ when I am blindsided by his actions it is hard to think clearly about the situation. Your suggestion seems like the best route to take.

    Thanks for the advice!

  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with RM. Jails sometimes dont explain things well to people too. They are very confusing places. Maybe they didnt tell him to put people down on a list. They can "bleep" with the inmates just to do it.

    Dont just assume your son messed you up. He really may not have.

    Ok...Im sounding like a sap...lol.

    I honestly wish you could see how well my C is doing right now. He actually got bit by some kind of ugly spider on saturday at work and his leg has this huge red, hot pus filled knot on it now. He went to the ER last night and they confirmed it was a spider bite and put him on antibiotics and gave him gauze and an ace bandage to wrap it up but he STILL went to work even though they advised him to stay home. It hurts him so bad to even move the leg. Touching it kills him.

    He is determined to keep this job at all costs.

    45 hours in 3.5 days...wow. He is really hoping that the courts look favorably at him getting this job and working hard. This place does drug testing randomly so that is a plus.
  16. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    HH? You did the right thing.

    There have been so many times, as husband and I went through this, when that was all we had.

    That WE had done the right thing.

    However tired you were, however horrible it must have been to have wound up somewhere like that with persons like those, you did what was right for your son.

    We don't get to pick what the kids are going to do.

    I agree with whichever of us it was who suggested that you write difficult child and tell him what happened.

    One of the reasons we kept trying with our difficult child even after we had lost faith in the outcome is so we would know we had tried.

    You have to try, too.

    Sometimes, that is all that we have, at the end.

    That we did everything we knew.

    However this comes out, HH, knowing that you did all you could will make you strong.

    You can do this.

  17. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Janet I am so glad your Cory is doing so well. He must have had a great wake up call in jail. I continue to keep you both in my prayers.

    I too was grasping at the what ifs to somehow excuse my son for his actions.....I have done that too long, having my mom and my daughter tell me to quit making excuses for him reaaly hit home this time.

    It was his handwriting on the paper. He told me he was letting all of 'those' people go and turning his life around....

  18. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Barbara thank you for the reassurance.

    I believe our strength does come from the knowledge that we did everything possible to help our child.

    You know when you lay your head on your pillow at night that you tried every means possible to stop them from continuing down the wrong path.

    I called the P.O. she said the grandmother (ex-mother in law) and bio-dad's current girlfriend made a huge scene in court when he was arrested. He claimed that my son didn't live with him and I should be arrested, thank goodness all the records were in front of the judge and I had a huge paper trail from going to her for help for my son. Plus, the judge and the po are aware that the bio-dad helped my son trade the stolen property for drugs.

    The bio-dad has to pay 4,000 to get out. (the total amount owed is almost 15,000)

    If you ask me, he is getting off easy. My son will be 19 next mth and my daughter will be 18 in Jan. ~ he has never bought a pencil for one of them much less anything else.

    I haved upped the security at my shop and asked neighbors to watch the house.... As angry as they are that bio-dad is in jail, there is no telling what they are capable of doing...

    I am trying to just concentrate on all that is going on with my health at this time..

    My hands are tied at this point.....God is watching over me....He knows how hard it is to detach and let go....knowing me I would be doing something to 'help' my son right now after the frantic call I got....God fixed it so I can do nothing for two weeks....

    God is Good...All the time

  19. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes he is. I think he gave me the job I have so my mind would be off my difficult child and trying to fix him. I cant. I have so much other stuff to do. I am not giving up on him nor not loving him it is just I cant obsess about him all the time like I used to.
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good lord HH...what a scumbag for a so called father. May he get his just rewards. Personally I hope they throw the book at him and let "our" boy off easier. He sure didnt have a good example with bio idiot for a spermdonor.

    A good waste of oxygen.

    Ok...have I bashed him enough? LOL.

    I am holding on to my ray of hope that your boy gets it together and comes through this with everything intact. I really am. Maybe one day we can laugh and say we made it through these dark days with the Corys. Hey...we can hope right?