just one right after another...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by emotionally_drained, Oct 9, 2014.

  1. emotionally_drained

    emotionally_drained New Member

    Sorry just frustrated and need to rant!!! So now my middle child, 20 year old daughter, was living in Florida with her step-mom, she had her own room an a job, and her best -friend was living there too, well the friend decided he didn't like Florida and wanted to come back to Georgia, so daughter decided to come back to Georgia too, and asked if she could stay with me and give her rides to work, I told her no before she ever left Florida and she came back anyways!!!! With no job, n car and no place to live!!! Her excuse was her BFF was her ride to work, well grandma and stepmom both informed her and me that for 50 buck a month she could have a bus pass that would take her straight to her job!! She is very attached to her BFF and couldn't stand the thought of all her friends being here and her not being included. So she has been in town since Monday and Tuesday I had to call her to see if she was in town! She has made no effort to come see me or call me, and finally she calls today and asks for me to come get her at 7 tonight to take her to her cousins house, I told her I would get her now and she got hysterical and wouldn't talk and hung up on me!!! I am at my wits end wit my kids ALL of them, I did the best I could having to raise them alone, I am starting to wonder if I will EVER get any peace!!!!!
     
  2. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    So why call her? If she asks you for a favor, and you say yes......she should be thanking you. I understand you could only take her early, she is a difficult child. They think the world revolves around them......it's their movie and that's all. They have the starring role.And you.....are good for what you do for them.Just back off. Set boundaries, say no, don't let her guilt you. Live your life. Don't be sad. They can fix it. You cannot. When you realize this, you'll be at peace. I have lived this and my difficult child came back to me when he fixed his own self.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Want to know how to get peace?

    Tell her, "Now that you are 20 and an adult, you are going to have to find ways to do what you want to do without asking me to take care of it." Then stick to it. After a few tantrums and threats and nasty names you will get called (and can hang up on), she will see it is not her show anymore. She is not ten and you won't get her candy just because she wants it.

    Her trip back to your state, without a job or a place to live was very foolish, but she made that decision and, as an adult, should have to figure out what to do about her choice. She could start by looking hard for a job.

    These difficult children *do* think they are the center of the universe and all of the planets and stars revolve around them. Sometimes I wonder if they know that life goes on when they are sleeping.

    The best thing we can do for ourselves and also for them (although they won't see it that way) is to let them find their own life path and let go of taking care of them. And it does not help them grow up if we listen to their abuse. When my son is abusive over the phone now (He is two states away, which is a good thing) I gently hang up the phone and then sometimes won't answer for a few days. He has been a lot nicer since he realizes I mean it when I say I refuse to listen to him if he is at all abusive, calls me names, or even yells at me. I'm surprised at how well it is working.

    Don't be surprised your daughter didn't call you. difficult children are so self-centered that they don't call because we may be worried or, God forbid, just to ask how WE are doing. We hear from them when they want something....a warm house for free, money, a ride, etc. It is a pattern with almost all of our difficult children. They go strangely silent unless they want something and it is hard to have a good relationship with a person like that, sad as it is.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  4. emotionally_drained

    emotionally_drained New Member

    well I called her because for a while when she was in Florida and doing well she actually called just to chat and see how I was doing so I figured she just wanted to chat, I wont lie and say I don't sometimes feel guilty because I am the product of physical and mental abuse, my mother and I are do not speak. I didn't want that for my kids. I have never told them how bad the abuse was they do know I don't have a relationship with my mother just not why. I guess I wanted to protect them from that, all they know is we do not speak, and it has backfired on me. I am just so worn out! I am tired and feel beat down!
     
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It is your choice if you want to play her games. If you choose to play, this will continue to happen. It is up to you to stop it.

    You need to seek help for yourself to deal with your past abuse. You deserve it.
     
  6. emotionally_drained

    emotionally_drained New Member

    I don't want to play games! I guess I never expected this to be happening, I've tried to get help, I don't really have a lot of options where I live, I have found a place and have apt for next week
     
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry this Is happening.

    Many of us here on the site are coping with issues from abusive pasts. I admire your strength in naming it, and I really do get it that past abuse complicates parenting.

    I have been helped and made stronger here on the site.

    Many of us have.

    As you post, and as you read here, you will be stronger and will be able to see with more clarity, too.

    Welcome.

    :0)

    If you haven't read the information on detachment parenting pinned to the top of the PE site, please take a minute to do that.

    I will find the Kathleen McCoy link for how, specifically, we can talk with our adult children and post it for you, here.

    I do not see or speak to my own mother, or to my siblings.

    I know how hard that is.

    I know how isolated and cut off you feel.

    I also know that to stop interacting with
    our abusers enables us to heal.

    The following sites or links or titles may help you. They helped me.

    You can do this.

    We are doing it.

    :0)


    Self Esteem by McKay / Fanning

    Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

    The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

    www.committedtofreedom.com

    If you go on YouTube and put in any of the author names I've suggested, you will find information relative to strength and healing.

    Wishing you and yours every good thing.

    Cedar
     
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    www.kathleenmccoy.com

    I am not able to find the exact link, but if you go to the site above and search for talking to adult children, you will find it.

    Cedar
     
  9. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    You HAD TO? You can not be done and then take proactive steps to get involved. I am not saying this to be nasty but to point out some possible internal conflict that you may be having. If you are truly done, it is ok to be done. Just go No Contact and be done.

    This is the road to your own personal recovery. If you expect them to change, it is just going to take longer for you to recover. Personally they have no investment in your recovery and will continue to use and abuse as long as you allow it. It will be painful when you understand that to find your own happiness you have to leave them behind and allow them to find their own version of it. To feel like you are the outsider is painful and when you are the one doing the "right" things boggles the mind, but we are only an "outsider" when we don't want to stay involved with people who live their lives in unhealthy ways as they try to drag us along into their way of thinking.

    How many of beat our heads against the wall over and over trying to fix the un-fixable when if we used that same energy on ourselves to lead ourselves to happiness. As moms I think we have a harder time with it because we are suppose to fix all our kids boo-boos in the world and when we can't we feel guilty; if only we had tried harder are done something different??? Let me say it for you: YOU deserve better than you are getting and you DESERVE to have a happy life.
     
  10. emotionally_drained

    emotionally_drained New Member

    no you did not sound nasty, at all I needed to hear that, and thank you I will read the post on detachment I am going off this weekend to Florida with my husband and well decided not to take any calls while I am down there, or text I simply will not reply or respond, I am going to have a great time, again thank you guys for all the support!!
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    :0)

    Have a great time!

    Cedar
     
Loading...