Just what we need . . .

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Jan 27, 2012.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We met difficult child today to pick up her car from the shop. While we were there, we went grocery shopping for her weekly supplies. husband and I invited her to go out to eat with us but she said no because she had other plans. As we were shopping she mentioned that she had a date tonight. It was rather strange for her to say that because she and her loser boyfriend (AKA Peter Pan) never go "out." They usually go to his house and he plays video games while she watches television.

    So I asked her if the date was with Peter Pan and she said no. She was going out with a guy in the halfway house. She asked me if I thought it was a bad idea for her to go out with someone who was in recovery. I said no if he truly was in recovery and she said that he was. His drug of choice was cocaine. Yikes!

    So while I would love for her to move on from Peter Pan and their off again on again relationship of 8 years which is going nowhere, this is not someone I would have picked out. I asked her how long this new guy had been at the halfway house and she said one month. I know that people in AA/NA are encouraged to not start new relationships for the first year so this would be a double no-no.

    Of course, she still claims to love Peter Pan and has no plans to tell him about her date tonight. :slap:

    I wish she hadn't "shared" any of this with me. It's nice that she wants to tell me things but I really don't want to be involved in her love life.

    On a good note, she was very happy and seemed very clear-headed. There is a peacefulness about her that is new. She has another job interview on Monday.

    So . . overall a good report despite some worries.

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    The peacefulness when they are truly in recovery is so wonderful to see, it can't be faked, it is real.

    In the beginning when difficult child was in the sober house I was so so worried about her seeing guys from the other sober houses or from her AA meetings. I thought it would be disaster and wanted her to meet guys that didn't have addiction problems. And then it finally dawned on me that of course she was going to become interested in guys that were in recovery just like her. Then recently when she started seeing this guy who was a friend of a co-worker I panicked because I realized he would obviously not be living a sober life and difficult child would be in situations where she would be around alcohol. So I found myself laughing at coming full circle. And now I realize that if she is going to become involved with a guy he would have to be in recovery like her. But I know what you mean, it is a worry either way.

    It sounds good Kathy. Her attitude has changed quite a bit from first going in there.

  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I have a high school friend who is a principal of a school right now...he has been in recovery from alcoholism for six months and is dealing with his wife having an affair (she is bipolar). He is so lonely and I know he misses his wife. He said too that his sponsor says no life changes for a year. (I have NO interest in him..that is not my point here) but he is really planning to stick with that. He would still even like his marriage to work. He has thought of leaving his long time job but again, is following the no changes rules. When he explained why they say that it makes sense. I would be worried too for my recovering child to be with someone so fresh into it. I dated a guy (actually became engaged to him) who was not a year into recovery and I knew nothing about it so thought he was just done (I was only young 20s)... he got suddenly demanding and mean and I kicked his butt out but of course now it makes total sense. I can only imagine if I had been an addict too.

    I can see that it could be wonderful to be with someone who is in recovery too so you have someone who understands hard days and what you are going through. I would be more concerned with the newness of it all.

    I hope she just has a nice friendship with him and continues to focus on herself... at least maybe he will distract her from peter.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Buddy you are right, they always caution them against getting into relationships in the first year of recovery but Kathy and I both know that falls in deaf ears with our difficult children.

  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I can see why, my ex was certainly not ready.... He was a good guy underneath, I just had not the maturity or patience for dealing with that at that young age.
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I think it happens more often than not simply because all of these people are sharing intimate details of their lives, their emotions, etc...so you feel like you really Know a person from all that they are sharing in meetings, after meeting gatherings etc.

    Glad to hear daughter was so "happy and clear-headed".
    I am hopeful for the job interview on Monday...very cool.

  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hoping that it is a friendship that benefits them both. As I read your post (and not trying to bring a "bummer" aspect to your post, lol) I found myself thinking about s.a. friends. difficult child's attract one another from the beginning of their using. They choose the less traveled road and their companions are by their side. Somehow it makes sense that if a big part of your life has been chaos (usually self induced) that you would be less likely to hook up with a easy child anytime soon. The s.a. experience includes bizarre choices that have become part of an often lengthly segment of difficult child's lives. Whether in recovery or not I think it is "normal" to seek companions with similar history. I know that our difficult child runs into his easy child former friends quite frequently. They shoot the breeze but almost never make plans to share an evening. He relaxes when he is around others with like histories becaue they "know" each other's weaknesses and there is no need for pretense. A few difficult child's isolate themselves and then redirect their lives. But I think isolation is not an easy task after years of being around excitement and a herd of friends. Ideally, I would think, that the best hope would be a difficult child couple sharing a life of recovery together. on the other hand I still hope a easy child will come along and a miracle will happen, lol.

    Kathy I think it is a positive sign that she is sharing with you. After years of misrepresentations and half truths that sounds like a big positive step. Fingers crossed. DDD
  8. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Kathy, I think the sharing is good. I do understand how you don't want to know however. I have neighbors who are 15 years sober and together. They have 2 girls and are doing well. That is always a hope. The RTCs often recommend that our kids don't talk for 2 years. They don't listen. They develop a keener sense of some things and these are not things they can talk about with "typical" people. On the other hand, if they are not fully healed, they will only attract the same to themselves. It's hard because in the 20s, our minds are so set on finding love and not wanting to isolate. We can only wish for the best and hope that she has skills to end and begin relationships with her wellbeing and soberness in mind. ((Hugs))