Lookie at what *I* get to take to the Psychologists tomorrow...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Chaosuncontained, Nov 28, 2011.

  1. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Email from his Math Teacher (hates the subject but he loves this teacher)

    We have had a big problem lately with Carson using cuss words, especially when he is angry with someone.

    I'm not sure what we can do right now, but the other students are being negatively affected by it.

    As of my knowledge, it began in math class. He came in very talkative. I asked him to follow the instructions on the board. He was very confused about the schedule (it changed today due to the Accelerated Reading Field Trip.) I explained it to him, but he wanted to go to lunch. He got under his desk. I gave him a couple of minutes to calm down, then I asked him to copy down his assignments and follow the instructions on the board. He definantly refused, so I gave him 10 seconds to copy down his assignments and do the warm-up activity, or Mr. S (Principal) would come help. He got out from under his desk, walked aimlessly around the room, then asked what he was suppose to do. I calmly explained the expectations, and he went to his desk to do it. Another student told me he had called me a "f....er." At this point, I asked Mr. S to come observe and assist, just in case it became worse... So far, he had not given me any reason to believe he was ready to work today.
    Carson went to his desk and began writing down his assignments. After a couple of minutes he quit and put his hood over his head. Ms. W(aide) was in the room, and asked Carson to come work with her at the back table. They were suppose to practice 2 digit times 2 digit with a partner, so she worked and motivated him. (We allow him to read if he does X amount of problems.) He works best with one-on-one supervision when it is available. She told me that when Carson would mess up or get frustrated, he would say "f..k" or "****" or "dang."

    Later, at lunch, a student told me that Carson had called him a "jack-a...", an "a.." and a "p..sy"

    I just wanted you to be aware, and to see if you know of any strategies that are working at home. The name calling and cussing seems to be getting progressively worse.

    I talked to Carson a little bit about it. I asked him if there was something else we could do instead of using those words, because other students do not need to hear/know those words. He wanted to invent an eraser that could erase things/words in your mind.... and to put "good" things in his mind. He also wanted to invent a remote where he could rewind and redo all the bad things in his life.
    I encouraged and told him to let me know when he invented those things, because I would need to use them too! He also said he just needed to calm down instead of saying them.

    I know he called a teacher a "8itch" and flipped one off and called another a "jerk" but OMGOSH. He's cussing like a sailor! At home he has said a few uglies. And I scrubbed his teeth with a toothbrush with baking soda (he haaaates the taste). I have no idea where all this is coming from. Or how to stop it.

    Tomorrow I pick him up from school at 10:30AM and head to our first appointment with the Psychologist (they are supposed to be doing evaluations). I have a folder for this year (and one for last) of all report cards, dicipline reports, notes from teachers, samples of his work and copies of all emails from the teachers...current medications and a list of all medications he's ever been on. I also have a "diary" of his behavior at home. And this email. It's going! (Notice the "He works better with one-on-one supervision when available") I've been saying this for years.

    I seriously hope these people are going to go to war and fight and find out what the h e double hockey sticks (see I didnt cuss) is going on here. Because if they don't fine SOMETHING? Then **I** will be the one needing a Psychologist.

    Just be thinking of us tomorrow. I am guesstimating we won't get home until 5PM. Gonna be a looong day--and a long car ride--husband loaded classical music onto my MP3 player...umm, STAR WARS CLASSICAL MUSIC! So I get to hear Carson "dum dum dum dum da dum dum da dum" ing all the way there, there and all the way back. Fun times.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Has he been watching any movies or programs on TV that use cuss words lately? Have you asked him where he heard those words (innocently ask of course)? Do any of his friends use those words when they are not around adults (Carson would know that)? If this is fairly new, I would calmly and innocently ask him some of these questions to figure out where they came from THEN I would do whatever I had to to halt it (can't help you with that part).

    Good thing you see the psychiatric tomorrow. Glad you are going armed. It can only help. Good luck.
  3. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I do think the nice teacher is perhaps being a bit naive. Little boys use swear (cuss) words - not within adult earshot, unless they don't understand not to. Carson is blurting out what he has obviously heard at school. Incidentally, I do myself find it an unattractive thing when kids "tell" on other kids and are encouraged to do so (unless it's something serious of course). I doubt that anyone is going to be psychologically scarred for life by being called a jackass... However, it's obviously not doing Carson much good.
    I also have this problem with my son - he has always been attracted by these words and they were the first things he picked up in the playground when we came to France. Nothing he says has the weight or seriousness of the f word, the c word or the b word because he hasn't heard those anywhere yet... One thing I have done - and I don't know if it is too late to start with Carson - is to teach him a relatively innocuous word - "Damn!" - saying it is a swear word. So he can use it thinking it has this special power of the taboo but actually it does not...
    I hope others will have some good suggestions as to how you might tackle this. Again, I don't know how volitional all this is - there just seems to be something about ADHD children being drawn to these words...
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I think his response to the teacher shows that he is having problems controlling this and the issue may be to look at what he is communicating. He is not going to be able to identify this. It is the grown-ups job to say.... ok what is he trying to communicate here. He has issues you have identified and clearly has trouble accessing socially appropriate language to solve his frustrations. Again, as we have talked about here many times, if a child does not have the skills, or at times does not have access to the skills that are buried under a ton of stress chemicals, then we need to teach those skills. The problem solving, social navigation, anxiety reduction, frustration tolerance, delayed gratification, whatever the issues are. Identifying the triggers (he is alone with kids who are setting him off) (transitions/changes in the schedule and plans etc) may be a couple according to the email.

    I agree with Malika, while it is not desireable to have him do this, and of course one wants to teach more appropriate words and coping skills, the truth is, people are not going to be hurt by this and at some point, making too big a deal out of it may actually be negatively REINFORCING the words.

    My son used to grab his forehead and say he was taking all the bad thoughts and words out and throwing them out the window. These kids suffer terrible self esteem because they are so convinced they are being bad all of the time. I am not saying he should be allowed to get away with everything, just that to put it into perspective, he is not beating the **** out of kids. And I hope he never goes there, but if he is not taught skills to communicate and handle stress in their setting, (instead of just saying stop it and their trying to consequence the behavior out of him) he may feel forced to make his points known in other way. When my son is not allowed to be verbal he becomes physical. I know not all kids do that, but it is often cause of physical issues. He is flat out telling the teacher, that he wants help.

    I sure as heck hope the dont try to sticker chart him. He wants the help. I really feel for you. It is so hard when a child is doing something so socially unacceptable (but as Malika said, MANY of them are doing it, the kids with impulse control get caught). Q is not allowed to "run" or "swear" in MIDDLE SCHOOL, are you freaking kidding me??? (see I didn't swear either, lol).

    I pray the teachers/school will see his behavior as communication and help to support him in his skill deficits.
  5. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    I agree with Bunny here - the 'cussing' is the symptom that the demands placed apon him outstrip his skills - we need to focus on the unsolved problems , not on the behavior

    Some problems can be solved with his teacher using cps , some problems may be learning specific and he may need extra help.

    I would ask the teacher to go through the ALSUP list and make a list of detailed/ specific unsolved problems in the classroom - problems not behavior


    we can also

    Teach directly the language of concerns. Teaching feelings vocabulary like sad, mad, frustrated is useful but it is more important for him to let us know what concerns or unmet needs causing him to be mad, sad or frustrated.

    Generic concerns " teaching ' general problem vocabulary' that can be applied across many situations - Something's the matter, I can't talk about it right now, I need help, I don't know what to do, I need a break , I need time to think is helpful.

    Parenting is Learning
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I am going to tell you something here that may or may not be popular, I do not know. I was told years ago when Cory was about your son's age to just let the swearing go because we had bigger fish to fry with his behavior issues. Yeah he got into some trouble with teachers but it really wasnt all that much. People just thought he must come from a home where we swear a lot. Not so. Well not that much then...lol.

    Now, I wouldnt have let it go knowing what I know now. He just got worse because he saw we didnt care so it must not have been important. Now, he can hardly have a conversation without every other word being a cuss word. He has lost jobs because he cant keep his mouth under control. He is attempting to not cuss in front of his kids but it is like trying to stop a flood with a wash cloth.

    I would hit this one head on and fast. I dont care if you have to use the swear jar or sticker charts or anything else but he has to learn that swearing is not okay for anyone...especially him. Teach him other better words for being aggravated.
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree that something needs to be done. I used to hate when some supposed 'expert' would tell me to let it slide and I'm glad I didn't. I know not everyone is a fan of soap in the mouth - but you know what? It helped with difficult child. I would actually rub Ivory soap onto her tongue when she swore at one of us. We also gave her other words to use such as 'Dang' 'Shoot' 'Fudge' 'Heck'. I could live with those and it didn't help to make all slightly offensive words off limits. Instead, it gave her a choice and it helped.

    Nothing is foolproof and you've likely already figured out that certain techniques work with certain kids. Figure out what works with Carson. He is old enough to speak with straightforward about this and he obviously recognizes that those words are no appropriate, so you should be able to help him with this since it's bothering him. I would not rely on the Dr/school to handle it. Best of luck.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh dear!
    Can't add much advice, but I do like this: He wanted to invent an eraser that could erase things/words in your mind.... and to put "good" things in his mind. He also wanted to invent a remote where he could rewind and redo all the bad things in his life.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Something that will help a LOT as you go through this journey is a Parent Report. It is a document that you create that has every bit of info about your child. You write it, then give copies of relevant sections to the school/therapist/psychiatrist/etc.... as needed. The link in my signature will take you to the thread that has the description and outline for the report.