Echolette
Well-Known Member
"your son knows the minimum needed to have a relationship with you..his continuing to call without doing that is a kind of test"
such a great comment, Cedar! and I can feel myself failing the test.
So..short reminder...difficult child in jail in December, I paid fines but not bail so he could serve less time and not have ongoing problems..he made me multiple (unforced and unsolicited) promises...would go straight to support center for homeless upon release, get lined up for housing, see a caseworker (both the public defenders office and the support center have them), restart medications, give me his debit card so he stops spending his ssi the day he gets it and also pays me back...but instead, immediately upon release, he told me "its a holiday mom, I just want to spend it with my friends."
After that I cut off contact, in one of those wonderful, 'detachment aided by anger' moments.
Although he called repeatedly, and also called my SO..I held firm, eventually even telling him not to call. That lasted about 7 weeks, and honestly, it was a relief to me to not have to deal with him...although, on these pages and daily life, it took a lot of processing, and there was a LOT of noise in my head.
Last week after yet another snow storm, the doorbell rang...I heard him talking to some one on the street, saying "some one must be home because they put out the trash between last night and this morning". I was tempted to not answer, but I did..he was there, his cheerful slightly anxious clueless self, no gloves, unbuttoned jacket on a freezing morning..said he had some regular shovelling gigs and though he would just stop by and do me a favor. I stood in the door way and talked for a moment..he said he was couch surfing, sometimes sleeping under the bridge, had a subzero sleeping bag and a whole homeless community, that he is overall happy, drinking and smoking pot but not using hard drugs, and that he had a new job doing take out food deliveries (he has had several jobs like that for a few weeks at a time). He had a shovel, picture, and bike.
I let him shovel the walk, and he did a great job..best job all winter. Then he wanted to walk me to work..asked me to carry his shovel and picture so he could wheel bike...very eager to tell me how well he is doing. So I found myself a little late to work walking through town carrying a heavy shovel...and I thought...
this is the beginning of slippage for me.
He waited for me in the park the next day, just to say hi.
Yestarday I saw him on the street, drinking coffee from an expensive coffee house, sandwich in one hand, bike in the other (quite the juggling act). Was now living in a house he had previously told me was a crack house, but eager to assure me that "Kevin" knows him well and is a good influence, the crack is just to pay the rent (Wut?) Had changed jobs to another delivery diner.
And last night..he called...asked if we still watched Walking Dead as a family on Sunday nights, and if he could join us.
And I said...in anger...difficult child, have you done one thing that you promised me?...he was silent, confused, seemingly. then said...well I could bring over some money, start a payment plan..." and I said...I am not accepting bribes. I ran the whole list of what he said he would do. I said I don't let thieves and liars in my house (or something like that..I was mad enough that I don't recall all).
and then we hung up.
Apparently he had called SO a few minutes before and had essentially the identical conversation with identical results.
So now I don't feel so stable...I don't feel as clean as I did in my zone of no contact. I hate when I get angry and mean to him. I don't know how to just see him or talk to him and listen to his crazy (Kevin has his best interests at heart, great new jobs...I forgot to mention that he was talking about renting a $500/month studio in a ritzy neighborhood in town....again I say..."wut?') I don't know whether to nod and be quiet, which is easiest but eventually costs me psychologically, to argue with him and point out the crazy, to cut him off, to let him in...3 steps forward 12 steps back. He always thinks that once a little time passes he has a fresh start...the little time can be an hour or two or days or weeks...but he definitely believes that time=restitution without any other action needed.
What is my question? It is the constant question here on this board...how do I manage myself in my relationshihp with difficult child?
If my story brings up any reactions from you all I'd like to hear them...
Echo
such a great comment, Cedar! and I can feel myself failing the test.
So..short reminder...difficult child in jail in December, I paid fines but not bail so he could serve less time and not have ongoing problems..he made me multiple (unforced and unsolicited) promises...would go straight to support center for homeless upon release, get lined up for housing, see a caseworker (both the public defenders office and the support center have them), restart medications, give me his debit card so he stops spending his ssi the day he gets it and also pays me back...but instead, immediately upon release, he told me "its a holiday mom, I just want to spend it with my friends."
After that I cut off contact, in one of those wonderful, 'detachment aided by anger' moments.
Although he called repeatedly, and also called my SO..I held firm, eventually even telling him not to call. That lasted about 7 weeks, and honestly, it was a relief to me to not have to deal with him...although, on these pages and daily life, it took a lot of processing, and there was a LOT of noise in my head.
Last week after yet another snow storm, the doorbell rang...I heard him talking to some one on the street, saying "some one must be home because they put out the trash between last night and this morning". I was tempted to not answer, but I did..he was there, his cheerful slightly anxious clueless self, no gloves, unbuttoned jacket on a freezing morning..said he had some regular shovelling gigs and though he would just stop by and do me a favor. I stood in the door way and talked for a moment..he said he was couch surfing, sometimes sleeping under the bridge, had a subzero sleeping bag and a whole homeless community, that he is overall happy, drinking and smoking pot but not using hard drugs, and that he had a new job doing take out food deliveries (he has had several jobs like that for a few weeks at a time). He had a shovel, picture, and bike.
I let him shovel the walk, and he did a great job..best job all winter. Then he wanted to walk me to work..asked me to carry his shovel and picture so he could wheel bike...very eager to tell me how well he is doing. So I found myself a little late to work walking through town carrying a heavy shovel...and I thought...
this is the beginning of slippage for me.
He waited for me in the park the next day, just to say hi.
Yestarday I saw him on the street, drinking coffee from an expensive coffee house, sandwich in one hand, bike in the other (quite the juggling act). Was now living in a house he had previously told me was a crack house, but eager to assure me that "Kevin" knows him well and is a good influence, the crack is just to pay the rent (Wut?) Had changed jobs to another delivery diner.
And last night..he called...asked if we still watched Walking Dead as a family on Sunday nights, and if he could join us.
And I said...in anger...difficult child, have you done one thing that you promised me?...he was silent, confused, seemingly. then said...well I could bring over some money, start a payment plan..." and I said...I am not accepting bribes. I ran the whole list of what he said he would do. I said I don't let thieves and liars in my house (or something like that..I was mad enough that I don't recall all).
and then we hung up.
Apparently he had called SO a few minutes before and had essentially the identical conversation with identical results.
So now I don't feel so stable...I don't feel as clean as I did in my zone of no contact. I hate when I get angry and mean to him. I don't know how to just see him or talk to him and listen to his crazy (Kevin has his best interests at heart, great new jobs...I forgot to mention that he was talking about renting a $500/month studio in a ritzy neighborhood in town....again I say..."wut?') I don't know whether to nod and be quiet, which is easiest but eventually costs me psychologically, to argue with him and point out the crazy, to cut him off, to let him in...3 steps forward 12 steps back. He always thinks that once a little time passes he has a fresh start...the little time can be an hour or two or days or weeks...but he definitely believes that time=restitution without any other action needed.
What is my question? It is the constant question here on this board...how do I manage myself in my relationshihp with difficult child?
If my story brings up any reactions from you all I'd like to hear them...
Echo