Morbid difficult child parent humor

[hexemaus2]

So difficult child 2 had a bad night last night. He got into a typical teen spat with difficult child 3 over the computer. They managed to wake me up with it.

Being rather irritated that I got woke up at 1am, my mouth ran before my brain started firing on all cylinders. I told them both (in a loud, MOTHER tone) to shut the blankety-blank-blank up and go to bed before I knocked their blankety-blank heads together.

Naturally, that set difficult child 2 off on one of his verbal tyraids. (Like a wild animal who just got a whiff of blood - it only takes a raised, irritated voice to set him off when he's "stuck" like he apparently was before I woke up. My head was too groggy to catch that before I spoke)

In the course of his verbal tyraid, I got the typical "not if I kill everyone/I hate you/you're going to die/I'm going to kill you" line. To which, I'm thinking: Yeah, yeah, we get it. You're upset and saying anything to perpetuate the conflict so you can vent. But could you please hurry up and be done so I can go back to bed?

Of course, I don't say this to him, but it's what I'm thinking.

He then tells difficult child 3 not to stand in the hallway listening in on a private conversation.

I told him his brother wasn't "listening in," he's staying close by to make sure I don't need help.

difficult child 3's response? "Mom, you're not supposed to tell someone that someone else is here, hiding around the corner to act as body guard or back up. You're supposed to just let him go on and on so I have a reason to jump out of the shadows, put him in a choke hold, make him pass out, and we ALL can have some peace and quiet. Really, Mom. It's the fastest way to shut him up and get him unstuck." (He wasn't serious, by the way - he said it like he was reviewing an action scene from a bad B movie - think screaming at the girl not to go in there kind of comment.)

I couldn't help but laugh at his absurd, but straight forward logic - not to mention his very dry delivery/review of the situation. How can I argue with that? He's right, in a weird, morbidly funny kind of way. difficult child 2 can go on for hours with his verbal tyraids. There's no escaping them. You have to stand and listen to them to keep him from escalating further. It's a pain, but far better than the violent outbursts. They usually don't run the 2-3 hours they used to, but they're still draining none the less.

I've had my own days where I wonder if clubbing him over the head with something would be the equivalent of knocking a vending machine when the cans get stuck. Not that I would ever actually do it, but the thought/analogy has crossed my mind more than once.

It's kind of funny to think about it. It was even funnier to be there for it.

What's truly impressive is that difficult child 3's comment even got difficult child 2 to laugh, thus de-escalating the situation like a pin to a balloon. I have to wonder if he did it like that on purpose. He's good at that kind of improv response.

I swear difficult child 3 would make the perfect politician...or comedian. I'm not sure which. lol.

I should probably feel bad that I laughed (and agreed) with difficult child 3's choke hold/head clubbing theory for unsticking a difficult child in mid-tyraid. But I don't. It was funny, and morbidly logical. There are definitely days I have wondered if I could get out of enduring a tyraid by somehow causing difficult child 2 to lose consciousness - via frying pans, rolling pins, anvils, refrigerators, etc. (Think Bugs Bunny cartoon solutions. I do.)

 

[timer lady]

Hex, I love this. The tweedles get stuck in those moments especially since I've quit the case manager/therapeutic parent gig & become a real mum, i.e. yell like you did & should have at 1 a.m.

wm has been calling me ad nauseaum over the need for his birth certificate. I cannot find it for the life of me & have informed him that his SS number is correct & that he doesn't need a piece of paper to prove that he does exist. He's talking to me isn't he? Would I be raising a kid with-o that social security number or without a birth certificate that identified me as his mother?

"wm, I'd have dropped you at the side of the road if I didn't have that friggin' piece of paper here somewhere".

Hex, let's just say that comment didn't go over well; AND after a small blow up he started laughing. He told me he wouldn't be raising him either if he didn't have some proof that he was his parent. I'm still giggling.

 

[hexemaus2]

Oh, I love that Linda!

There have been so many morbidly funny comments like that made in this house. I'm sure some therapist or psychiatrist would say we're all bent and our morbid sense of humor is the reason for serious psychological damage. lol. But you gotta laugh sometimes...or go nuts.

Our family motto is "We'll do really well at The Home."

difficult child 2 says horrible things in the midst of his tyraids. None of them are literal, difficult child 2 just can't find any other words to express the severity of his emotions, so he goes with whatever the most outrageous thing he can think of is that comes even remotely close.

"I'm going to kill you" is difficult child 2 for I'm so mad at you I can't stand it.

"I wish you would just die" is difficult child 2 for I'm losing the argument and it's pissing me off really bad.

It's how we respond to those comments that makes for comedy in this house. For example, in the midst of a tyraid he'll scream "I hate you people so much I just want to kill myself"

To which difficult child 3 will respond something like "Great! How can I help?" with the most serious look, like he's asking difficult child 2 if he needs help with his homework. He'll then ask me something like "Mom, is assisted suicide the same as murder?" like he's asking me if 4 quarts are the same as a gallon.

He'll then go on to explain how he would defend himself in a murder trial, or discuss various ways he could off difficult child 2 and make it look like a suicide. That sounds horrible, but he does it with such flair and melodramatic presentations. It's quite comical to watch. In his best Perry Mason voice, he'll start off with "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Yes, I threw my brother down a laundry shoot into a pack of wild raging dogs infected with flesh-eating disease to further hide the remains, but it was self defense and besides, he asked for my help in stopping his tyraids. I simply opted for the quickest solution. After all, that's what brothers are for."

Typing that out, it must sound terrible to someone else, but to see it, you'd know that it's all comedy and his method of distracting his brother by turning his own words against him.

I will say this, not all the comments have been intended to be comical when they came out. They just kind of turned out that way.

difficult child 2: "difficult child 3, I'm going to snap your neck if you don't give me xyz, right now!"
difficult child 3: "No you're not. You know why? My neck doesn't have fingers so it CAN'T snap. Geez, if you're going to make outrageous statements, at least make sure they're plausible."
difficult child 2: "You make me wish I'd never been born into this family."
difficult child 3: "Well at least we agree on something!"
difficult child 2: "I'm going to make you wish YOU'D never been born into this family."
difficult child 3: "You accomplished that before I was out of diapers. Geez, you must hold the autism spectrum record for stuck with that one."

I swear, it's like the morbid, goth version of Laurel and Hardy living with these two. lol. It's actually rather entertaining sometimes, with difficult child 2 all hot-under-the-collar and difficult child 3 so calm and logical. Like watching Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny. What amazes me is how often difficult child 3 comes back with what should be the most hurtful, psyche-damaging comments but he does it in such a way that cracks difficult child 3 up and stops the tyraid.

Geez. My family is so twisted. lol.

 

[HaoZi]

I've said often that we're more Addams than we are Cleavers.

 

[AnnieO]

I have to admit... I've done this more than once... Been ready to blow, myself, from the pressure... And made some stupid crack that gets an incredulous look from husband and a deep breath, confused look and then... GIGGLE... from a child.

Like the day Jett was crying because he had to clean the bathroom. You see, he'd peed all over the floor and left socks, etc. and puddles. He was throwing a royal fit... And I looked him in the eye and said, "OK fine, if you want to live like this when you move out and expect the Bathroom Fairy to come take care of it, that's your choice, but NOT.IN.MY.HOUSE."

Onyxx RAN out of the room and I could hear her guffaws from the back yard... Jett stopped in his tracks, then gave me a rather quizzical look and said, calmly, "you mean there's a bathroom fairy too? Like the tooth fairy?" At which point I lost it, and since he takes his cues from others (aspie style)... He started laughing. And cleaned the bathroom.

 

[KTMom91]

So glad I'm not the only one...Hex, your difficult child 3 sounds like a riot!

 

[Marguerite]

Humour can work magic, often unexpectedly.

My best friend's kids were very difficult child. In fact, I believe her daughter has more than a touch of the narcissistic personality disorder, with a few other personality disorders thrown in. Probably some level of bipolar too.
This is also a family of highly intelligent, well-read people. hey love humour and have almost all the classic comedy scripts memorised. A favourite book at one time was a list of place names, as sound effects. For example "Engadine" (a suburb of Sydney) was described as the sound of a motorbike, revving. And "Penang" (a resort town in Malaysia) was the sound a cat makes when it bounces off the hubcap.

One night very late, my friend's daughter came home in a mood to cause trouble. She and her mother got into a loud screaming match in their very tiny house. My friend's son, about 16 at the time, emerged sleepily. "I have only one thing to say to both of you. Penang." and he turned round and went back to bed.

They could never explain why, but it totally cracked up both my friend and her daughter, they stopped arguing and went to bed friends again.

Marg

 

[Hound dog]

In the course of his verbal tyraid, I got the typical "not if I kill everyone/I hate you/you're going to die/I'm going to kill you" line. To which, I'm thinking: Yeah, yeah, we get it. You're upset and saying anything to perpetuate the conflict so you can vent. But could you please hurry up and be done so I can go back to bed?

I found that remarks such as these usually snapped Nichole to attention faster than anything and would snap her out of a tyraid. She'd stand there and just look at me astonished. It sent the clear message of yeah I get it you're ticked, so your mouth has to run, but hurry it up cuz I figured out ages ago you don't mean what comes outta your mouth.

And honestly.........it wasn't long that I started telling her that I knew she didn't mean what she said so hurry up already. lol Or I'd use a heavy dose of sarcasm............humor.......whatever.

I mostly started doing it because well..........as you know, you get to a point where you're sick of hearing the bull and you've just got better things to do than listen to them rant when they're not really saying anything. I'm pretty much the only one that can do this with her and not have it backfire and escalate the situation instead of defuse it. But it also helped me to point out to her that spouting off threats and put downs when you're ticked off doesn't do a darn thing to tell the other person how you feel.

She's been working on what comes out of her mouth when she's mad for several years. I've noticed vast improvement........but she still has work to do.

I did like his comment though, creative. lol