My younger sister passed away....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by scaredofhim, Mar 3, 2016.

  1. scaredofhim

    scaredofhim Member

    Hi Everyone. My sister died on Feb. 29 from septic shock. It was unexpected and I am heartbroken. :( She was only 58 years old. We are supposed to have my SS for his visit this weekend, but since I am grieving the loss of my sister does everyone think it would be okay for me to ask my husband for us not to have SS here for the weekend? I know it seems like a no-brainer. It has been a difficult week for me and it's not over yet. I don't want to upset husband by not wanting his son here, but I am really not up for putting up with his loud video games, loud talking, lack of hygiene and having the room he stays in smell like a barnyard all weekend and then having the mess to clean up after he leaves Sunday. I just can't handle it. :( Please give me some advice. Thanks.
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am so very sorry about the loss of your sister.

    I will tell you my own opinion. You owe it to yourself and to your husband to tell him the truth about what you want. For me, it would be too soon to have anybody stay over in my house. I am still grieving from my mother's death and it is almost 2 and a half years.

    To tell your husband you are not ready does not mean that he cannot visit with SS somewhere else, like a mini vacation somewhere which could be a treat and a time for bonding between the two. Except, I am thinking you may want your husband close to you. Tell him what you need. That is what I think.

    COPA
     
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I am so very sorry for your loss!! Many gentle hugs to you.

    Absolutely - I think it's completely appropriate to ask hubby if you guys can skip the visit this weekend. I wouldn't even go into any other reason other than you are grieving and need some time. Period.

    I'm so so sorry. Please take care of yourself.
     
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Scared... it IS a no-brainer in my opinion. Grief doesn't sit well with chaos. You need to look after YOU right now.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If your husband cares about you at all, knowing how disturbed your stepson is, he will gently agree to do this for you. So sorry for your loss.
     
  6. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. Sadly, as antibiotic resistance becomes more and more of a problem, we are seeing more and more deaths from sepsis.

    I can't imagine that your husband, if he has any human feelings at all, would object to not having your SS out to your house this weekend.

    As others have said, your husband could go away for the weekend with his son, make it a "man's weekend getaway", and get in some good bonding time. If not that, at least they could (hopefully) find something fun to do together.

    All this depends on whether you want to be alone this weekend or need your husband close to hand.

    Again, my condolences to you and your family.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    GoingNorth, is there anyway on a personal basis that we can protect ourselves from this.

    What killed my mother was a hospital-acquired infection. Not only did she not have resistance, but the offending culprit as I understand it rendered ineffective her other antibiotics. She was at the end of the line, it may have been a blessing.

    But I do not want to be at the end of my life. Is there a way we can make ourselves more resistant?

    COPA
     
  8. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I nearly died back in 06 of a hospital acquired infection after major surgery. Luckily "my" infection responded to antibiotics.

    Best thing you can do is watch (or have someone watch) all the hospital personnel that come in your room. Make sure all wash hands and change to fresh gloves.

    Don't hesitate to speak up.

    At home? Practice good hygiene, especially as regards food handling. If you eat meat, use a seperate cutting board for meat and do not use a wood board for meat.

    Clean the meat board with a 5% bleach solution. Also disinfect utensils used to prepare raw meat.

    Wash hands in between handling meat/fish, and handling veggies/fruit. This avoids cross-contamination.

    If you use a slow-cooker, check with a thermometer to be certain that the cooker can maintain a temp of 165 degrees.

    If you have a dishwasher, use it! Most dishwashers get hot enough to sanitize dishes, etc.

    Wash hands after playing with pets, especially reptiles and birds, and before handling food.

    Bathroom hygiene shouldn't need to be explained.

    Eat a clean diet, avoiding meats that have been raised on anti-biotics and especially avoiding farm-raised fish and shellfish, which are loaded with bacteria, antibiotics, and other nasty stuff.

    Before my infection in 06, the only antibiotics I'd taken other than in food, had been pennicillins and sulfas. The infection was cleared up with Flagyl.

    So, three antibiotics in my lifetime.

    Then, last year, a cat scratch on my left leg got infected. My leg turned red and swelled up.

    Went to doctor and found out I had cellulitis. Took trials of 4 antibiotics before we found one that worked against the bug (Strep B), and it made me sicker than a dog.

    I hadn't been in the hospital, hadn't been to a foreign country, and Squeaky, who scratched me playing, hadn't been out of the house other than trips to the vet and the move in the years I've had her.

    Yet, somehow, this nasty, antibiotic resistant version of a common bug, was living "in the wild" and was either on Squeaky's claws, or had somehow found its way into my home.

    All you can do is be "hygenic", only take antibiotics when needed and prescribed, and try to avoid antibiotics in your environment such as in food.

    You can help protect friends and loved ones by watching and speaking up if you visit them in the hospital.

    Oh, another thing. Don't shave if you don't have to. Shaving opens microscopic scrapes and cuts all over the shaved area and shaven people are much more prone to skin infections like cellulitis.
     
  9. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. I think you have the right to ask for the space you need right now, especially in light of the situation with your ss. Hugs to you and your family.
     
  10. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I do not know your particular circumstances or what your relationship with your husband is like. When I read your posts, I get a sense of fear of displeasing your husband. If you fear his response to your request, then that is your answer.
    I hope that you are seeking counseling for yourself. You are in a delicate situation between this kid and your husband.
     
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I sensed this too, but I was afraid to say it. I was afraid that your husband might say no to you and you would be in a worse spot.

    But then I told myself that maybe it was me.

    I get afraid sometimes to say what I need or I fear that my Significant Other will get mad if I do something that leaves him out of the loop. Usually it is in my own head. When we are so vulnerable it is hard to know what to do. Whether to speak up and risk or whether to stay silent, and minimize our losses. This brings tears to my eyes, that I would be so afraid. Ever.

    COPA
     
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for the loss of your sister.

    I think you are absolutely correct in that you need some time to heal a bit before having the chaos that is your SS visiting, and your husband should support that. As someone else said above, maybe the two of them could go somewhere for the weekend?
     
  13. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    So sorry for the loss of your sister :(

    Marcie
     
  14. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Absolutely, you should ask him. You need this; I believe your husband will understand. I am so sorry that your sister has passed. Warm hugs for you today.
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I sensed fear too, in this and other posts. I know he expects you to do a lot of the caregiving of violent stepson. If he scares you to the point that you are afraid of his responses, you both need counseling.
    This is the time you need to take csre of yourself
    I hope you get that time.
    Do take care.
     
  16. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I'm also sensing fear; in this and earlier posts,and its quite obvious your husband and you are not nearly on the same when it comes to SS.

    I would suggest contacting a DV shelter and speaking to a counselor there, before making any serious moves, but in all honesty, if the fear is that strong and is justified, there's foundation on which build a marriage upon.
     
  17. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Correction: there's NO foundation on which to build a marriage upon.
     
  18. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    So sorry for your loss. I echo what the others have suggested. ((((((BIG HUGS!!!)))))
     
  19. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Is there family nearby that you could go and stay with this weekend? Maybe if you feel your husband can't say no to having his son over, you can at least make other plans for yourself... Even if it is a cheap hotel and a good book! I hope you work something out. KSM
     
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I like KSM's view of things. (Although it may be hard to get yourself to a motel.) What I hear her saying is this: we can look at everybody here with empathy. Your husband could very well find it hard to turn away his child. He may find it hard to be away from you. He may find it hard to hear your resistance to being with his child. You may not want to disappoint him. And every single one of these things is understandable.

    KSM I think is saying, that we do not need to make anybody here a bad guy. Just human.

    COPA
     
Loading...