need to post about difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Jan 20, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    My feelings are a tangled mess at this point , so bare with my ramblings please...

    My difficult child goes to ct this coming thurs.
    I feel relief,fear,guilt,+. I have dealt with enough emotions with him to know when I am on the edge. This past week I have thrown myself into my work and tried to make it through.
    He came home sick 2 nights ago~wanted no intervention from me. He took nyquil and slept 2 days. Last night I brought home dinner, he sat down to eat and one of his difficult child buddies called~ he said I will eat this later and left.(ugh!)
    He is supposed to start a job at mcdonalds tomorrow. He said he will be home today.
    I guess he plans for us to get him to work~I am angry at that.
    He had over a mth since the judge told him to get a job. He has spent the entire time running between girlfriends and hanging out with difficult child buddies.
    He shows up at home to wash clothes about once a week, he will eat and be gone another week.
    Now, it is 5 days before court and he gets a job and is expecting us to change our schedules to get him there. I know it sounds cold, but he waited till the last minute and got what was easy for him without asking us a thing. He just expects us (ME) to change everything to suit him because he has shown back up here.
    This has made husband and I be at a great distance with each other. I have found myself(AGAIN) taking up for difficult child and being VERY angry at husband for the way he ignores difficult child.
    He just won't even talk to him.
    I know this too will pass, I really needed to share. There is so much inbetween the lines I posted I just can't even begin to get it all out.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    You do sound very conflicted, HH. On one hand you are angry and resentful towards your husband and are taking up for difficult child... and on the other hand you are angry and resentful towards difficult child for not doing what he was supposed to be doing from the beginning and expecting you "to change everything to suit him because he has shown back up again"...

    Is there some way you can remove or detach yourself so that you don't feel in the middle? That can't be helping either.

  3. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I called myself detaching....I am trying to change. It is hard

    I worked late last week, which put me home late, which gave me time to do a couple of things and go to bed. No real interaction

    I know that is not the solution, it is just a run away tactic.

    I guess these feelings have just hit me broadside and I wasn't expecting them.
    I found myself second guessing my marriage, I guess the brightside is I am not second guessing all of my child rearing?!?

    I think I just have alot going on all at once and I am just stressed about it.
    I turn forty in a couple of mths, so I am doing alot of soul searching since the new year.I have had to make major decisions and changes at my shop since the new year. My difficult child may go to jail in 5 days, I may be held responsible for his actions in 5 days.

    and the cherry on top, my husband is silent. I don't do silent very well. I have accepted his silent nature in our marriage, I just seem to resent him for it at times like these. My husband takes a self rightous stance toward my difficult child, and it only causes more conflict between the two of them.
    My difficult child started acting out at the same time husband and I married.
    In his workbook from rehab, he answered the question, What would be the best day of your life? If my mom and dad got back together :frown:
    We have so many issues :frown:
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    It sounds like you and husband have both had it with difficult child and what he is doing to your homelife, you are just handling it in different ways, and it seems like neither one of you think the other is handling it right.
    When my husband and I went to counseling during the height of our difficult child's addiction, she told me that my husband and I both had a right to feel what we felt and that we needed to stay out of each others relationships with difficult child. Does that make sense? I hated the way husband treated difficult child and I was so afraid of what it was doing to their relationship, and she told me it was none of my business and to step back and allow their relationship to be what it was, and to just worry about my relationship with my difficult child. Basically what she was saying was, you have no right to tell anyone else how to feel or think, just as they have no right to tell you. Your feelings are your own. Not quite sure if I'm explaining this right. I think you and husband need to get some counseling so you can be on the same page as to what you should do about the living situation with difficult child, but you also need to learn to respect each others feelings and not try and change them.
    You are both very resentful and angry over difficult child, and I think husband sees that though you are trying to detatch, it is still killing you and he is probably more resentful of difficult child then you are because of this. You are working more to get away from things and this probably makes husband even more resentful because not only is difficult child sucking the life out of you when you are home, now he's causing you to be home less.

    It's a very stressful situation. I have been there and took some serious counseling for husband and I to pull it together and be able to deal with difficult child in a productive healthy way, together!!

    I don't know what the answer is for you and I'm sorry you are hurting so much. Like I said, I was there once and I get a knot in my stomach when I hear what others are dealing with because it brings me right back like it was yesterday. Our difficult child didn't turn himself around until we stopped doing for him and made him do it for himself. Believe me, he's not perfect, but he's come a long way and so have husband and I.
  5. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Karen, thank you
    I have not looked at it that way. I don't have a right to make husband react the way I think he should. I am not in his shoes and I haven't put it all together like you did in your post. He sees his wife crumble because of difficult child and I guess that would cause more anger on his part.
    Hopefully, we can get through the next few days.
    My difficult child is just popping in whenever he wants at this point.
    I have allowed it, one because I can see him and see he is okay and two I was waiting till the courtdate to see what happens.
    He is supposed to start at mcdonalds today at 3
    He has not slowed down enough to ask about a ride or to let us know if he has a ride to work.
    My parents live about an hour away from us and my easy child has her volleyball practice in the town where they live. We spend sundays with my parents while easy child is at practice.
    I have not decided if I will stay here to make sure difficult child gets to work or just leave with husband and easy child.
    If it wasn't for the courtdate on thurs. I would not even think of staying, yet I know how I would feel if he was stuck at home and didn't get this job.
    I know detaching should come into play here
    He is getting rides everywhere else, why should I worry?
    But, right now I am just trying to make sure I will be okay if I know the reason he didn't get the job that he waited till the last minute to get is because he didn't have a ride to work.
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I hope your life settles down soon. your son is ruling everyone's world with his chaos. sad. we cannot take the mothering out of us at times. be sure to make time alone with just your husband and give him more attention than your son.

    make husband first.
  7. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    You are a planner. Not everyone is a planner. The judge says so and so must be done within 30days. You, the planner, would be on top of this and have it done right away. difficult child get's it done the day prior to the deadline. Bottom line, is it done?

    Kfld gave a great description of people each having their own feelings and their right to them. We cannot tell another person how to feel or change they way they react. We can only change ourselves.

    It's hard to totally separate oneself from a person when we feel their total survival is still dependent on us.

    Thinking of you.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I absolutely get where you are coming from. I also did the avoidance thing with M when he was older. In hindsight I think it gave him a sense of power that he essentially ran our house and dictated when I was comfortable being in my own home.

    If I were you, I'd at least tell the judge that you have no idea as to how he is going to get to and from work if you haven't made any arrangement with you. Has difficult child asked you to do it? Did you say yes? If you said yes, was it because he deserved it? If you said yes and regret it, don't forget that there is no reason that you can't reconsider your options. You're an adult, he's an adult, and you don't owe him this. You can tell him that you decided that you don't have time (or energy, or desire) to drive him to and from work and he needs to make other arrangements.

    I really really don't get kids with their needing rides everywhere. I was a TOTAL difficult child when I was a kid. But I had a job from the time I was 14. I couldn't afford cigarettes otherwise. :wink: I took the bus. I didn't learn to drive until I was 25 and pregnant with my second child. I took the bus no matter the time of day or night. Sometimes I had to wait an hour for a bus. When the bus didn't come close to where I lived I walked up to a half mile. Having muscular dystrophy meant that was not something I liked to do. But I liked to smoke, and no one was buying me cigarettes if I didn't work.

    Maybe yours will like to stay out of jail enough to find his own way to and from MacDonald's?
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I am also married to a man of few words. We have thirty years under out belt and I swear sometimes I haven't got a
    clue how our relationship works. We are partners BUT we do
    not walk the same walk or talk the same talk. The children
    all love him. The children all love me.

    on the other hand, I sure would love to be able to communicate on a regular basis with Mr. DDD! Geez. DDD
  10. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Janet~ I will try to spend more time with husband, not liking him very much at this point, but I will try

    SF~thank you for another eye opening! I would have gone the next day and found a job. My difficult child played for a month and then found a job.
    I guess I think the judge would think like I do and wonder how hard he is trying to change if he waits till 5 days before court to find a job.
    But, yes the bottom line is he found a job before returning to court.

    Witz~He has not asked me to get him to work. That was my dilema,to wait for him to show and give him a ride or let him fend for himself.
    We live in a rural town, no bus service.

    I am going to go with husband and easy child to practice.

    He can survive without me, he has shown me this. I just need to pay closer attention.
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    [ QUOTE ]
    I am going to go with husband and easy child to practice.

    He can survive without me, he has shown me this. I just need to pay closer attention.

    [/ QUOTE ]


  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    [ QUOTE ]
    He has not asked me to get him to work. That was my dilema,to wait for him to show and give him a ride or let him fend for himself.

    [/ QUOTE ]

    I thought about this, and honestly, I think I would tell him no. It's not like he couldn't have asked for your help in advance, and used his time better this last month, to earn your trust and to find a situation that would work better for him. But to come up with a job two days before court at Mickey D's and not even discuss transportation with you is bogus.

    I might allow him to make a proposal to me, of which I would fully inform the Judge or the PO, but to just take him to work? I think I'd be busy that day.
  13. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Well...I went to my parents and dropped easy child at v-ball practice.

    My cell rang at 4:30,"Mom, where are you at?" my difficult child!
    I told him I was at granma's house.
    "Why are you there?" (we have done this for the past THREE mths with easy child and my parents)
    I reminded him of easy child's practice.
    He said he needed his birth certificate BEFORE they could start training him.
    He wanted to know how soon I could be home (we were an hr away and had yet to eat dinner)
    I told him we had to eat first and he said oh, well I can't work until YOU get my birth certificate so I guess I will have to wait till tomorrow.

    My difficult child...he still managed to make it my fault that he didn't start work today.

    We all know the truth, but in his eyes he would have been working if I was home to get everything he needed for him.

  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Good for you. He should have asked for his birthcertificate and had everything in place way before that. I know how difficult child's work, but hopefully this will teach him next time that he has to step up and take care of these things himself, because mommy isn't going to be there to do it for him. It takes some getting used too, but believe me, they do figure it out. Mine has. What if you didn't have a copy of his birth certificate at home? He just assumed you did, but sometimes it takes a trip to town hall.
    Of course this will be your fault and your reply should be, sorry you feel that way, but you had plenty of time to get this in place.
  15. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. As for husband, I feel your frustration. My husband will sometimes throw up his hands and tell me he doesn't want to hear about difficult child anymore. The last time, i let it ride, did my best to not mention difficult child (although he lives with us-not an easdy thing to do) and then when there was something good to report, I told husband that he was gonna hear that. In the end, husband told difficult child he was proud of the thing I mentioned and they are speaking again. It is hard and no one but we Mom's can understand the step dad's frustration as there are many times we don't want to hear from or about our difficult child's. Hang in there!

    Hope all goes well in court and that if it does not go difficult child's way, it will be something he can learn from.
  16. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Things were a little easier for me hearthope, when I understood that things were never going to feel "right" while there was a crisis brewing with one of the kids. There is no right way to be, there is no way to bring happiness in, there is no way to behave as though what is happening isn't tearing us apart. What we can do though, is prioritize. You have a court date coming up for difficult child. You know already what your own questions surrounding that issue are. It sounds like you have prepared as best you know, and it sounds as though you are an attentive and loving mother (in that your response to difficult child treatment notebook was an empathic and understanding one).

    So, you have done everything you need to do.

    Now, before you know how the court date will come out, take husband to dinner or for a drive in the car or out for a drink or a walk or whatever you like. Reconnect with him, with your marriage and with yourself, on purpose ~ whether you think you feel like it or not, it will give you the strength you need to make it through whatever is coming next difficult child-wise.

    Keep posting about it hearthope.

    Wishing well.

  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    You difficult child still doesn't "get" it. Nothing you can do will speed up the process. He should have gone to work anyway. He didn't even try. The judge might ask you about this or not but he will ask your difficult child why he waited until five days before and why he waited until you were out of the house the day he was supposed to start work to ask for his BC. Most Judges see right through our difficult child's and put the blame squarely right back on the difficult child's shoulders. -RM
  18. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm sure if he tried to tell the judge he couldn't get to work and it wasn't his fault, but his mothers, he will say how old are you????