Need to post, difficult child not doing well

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Apr 27, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Excuse my rambling thoughts, when I get like this I can't seem to make sense with my thoughts.

    difficult child was doing great. He got a car, he changed jobs and it has basically gone straight downward since.

    He comes in to get clothes and eat when I am at work or asleep.

    He hasn't cleaned his room in 2 wks, he leaves his dog shut up in his room so you can imagine what it looks and smells like.

    I left him a note that we needed to talk over a wk ago, he is too busy and hasn't been here when I am home

    I called home today and told him to be here at 7 we HAD to talk, he said he was getting his windsheild fixed and didn't know when he would be back.

    He was here nearly 2 hrs ~ he cooked a whole family size pan of lasanga and a whole loaf of french bread and he left it all in the kitchen for me to clean up after working 12 hrs today. He never touched his room.

    Last night a frantic mom came to my house looking for her 15 yr old son. I told her she did not want her son around my son. (how heartbreaking is that to tell a stranger?)

    I called his po today. She said she hasn't been able to get him down there. She also told me he had been hanging out with the same boy he got in all his trouble with, the one he smoked crack with and ran from the police with. My son went to the school and picked him up ~ po said principal should have signed a warrant against my difficult child because he was trespassing and had been told not to be on school property. This is the same principal he played basketball with when he was supposed to be in detention, he has proven he is not going to punish my son for anything (long story)

    Here is my question ~ PO set a review date may 2nd. He will go before the same judge and answer any questions she has about the progress or lack of that he has made since she ordered his restitution plan.

    Mom has had enough! husband has had more than enough! If she was truthful about the situation ~ easy child has had enough!

    Do I confront him now (when he shows up ~ whenever he has time)
    or do I wait till next wed and let the judge tell him. PO said she is going to tell about who he is hanging with and the issues we are having at home (guilt by association?)

    I was ready to let the judge handle him until I walked in the door from work and saw the kitchen. Talk about blood boiling

    All of us (husband,easy child and I) ALWAYS keep the kitchen clean. This is just understood. difficult child had been cleaning up behind himself but today when I demanded he clean his room not only did he leave his room but he left the kitchen and all the dishes. Do you think he was trying to tell me something?????
     
  2. Loris

    Loris New Member

    If he hasn't cleaned his room in 2 weeks and he's leaving his dog locked up in there, I don't think that is cleaning up after himself. Sounds to me like either you're being avoided or he's way too busy partying. Or both. I guess the Judge will hear from the PO, hope he can handle the consequences. I feel for you, Mine never did learn from anything.
     
  3. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I checked yesterdays's mail this morning.....

    A warrant for arrest for failure to provide insurance while driving girlfriend's car back in dec. It is from the city about 30 miles from us. He had till feb. to either show proof or pay the fine and he did neither so now there is an arrest warrant.

    He just keeps digging a deeper hole.

    don't know if it is possible now, but I want to sit him down and very calmly say you need to get your own place so you can live by your rules. I think I am enabling you to not take responsibilty for yourself by letting you live here with no bills. I have done everything possible to help you make right choices and yet you continue down the wrong path. I will no longer "help" you hurt yourself. I love you but I can not tolerate how you are living


    I don't think I can hold my tongue until wed, but knowing him I may not even see him until then

    This is so sad. Everything that has happened and he still runs right back to the same loser friends. I hate to say this but I think he is the leader of the loser pack
     
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sorry, HH. Certainly that conversation needs to take place at some point. It might be that he will get arrested on Wednesday and that will be a deciding factor.

    In the meantime, I would write down a list of the things that have been going on. I know that when Rob went to court we were given an opportunity to speak. I don't know if you will have that chance, but it might not hurt to prepare something just in case.

    I can hear your sadness.

    Hugs,
    Suz
     
  5. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thanks Suz!

    There is no way I can make the courtdate. I have 18 dogs already on the book at the shop.

    I spoke to po about it and she said I didn't have to be there and she assured me she would address the issues to the judge

    I am glad you suggested the list of things. I can make a list and get it to the po before wed so she will have it in court.

    I remember someone here telling me that sometimes the worst situation involves a po that cares too much about my difficult child.

    Just like the principal, his po sees the potential and seems to over look things that they wouldn't over look with someone else.

    My difficult child is the best charmer in the world ~ knows just what to say and just how to say it ~ hopefully po will call his hand and be done with his charming....
     
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I guess if court is coming up that soon, you should wait and see what happens there. Maybe the situation will be taken care of for you and you won't have to do anything about it. If not, then decide what you need to do from there. He certainly can't continue living in your home like that.
     
  7. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I will try and wait till court. I didn't even know they had such a thing as a review? PO and I went back and forth trying to come up with something and then she remembered the review court on wed. I am so glad I called her.

    I know I have been here before, the same gut-wrenching place, but I am so tired of the same thing over and over that I feel relieved in some way that I can now end the struggle.

    I know to some that sounds as though I am happy he must go.

    Truthfully, my heart is breaking for him but I know I am only prolonging what is going to happen.

    He just won't get it!!!! I have done everything to try and make him get it.

    It is as if we have gone to battle, our entire family and others that cared about him have fought a long battle and now we all just have to let him go.

    We lost the battle
     
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    HH I can feel your pain. I think you should have thqt talk with your son. Let him know that even if he goes back into prison he will not return home to you. Speak the truth with love. That is what my sons therapist told me to do. -RM
     
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HH...I so know your pain. I get those letters in the mail too. I think Cory is the king of traffic violations.

    He is sitting in jail now for a bunch of them along with other stuff.

    Your son probably wont show back up until wednesday it sounds like. He seems to keep out of your way. Hopefully something will be done that you can live with. Have you talked to the PO about what you would like to see done?
     
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You don't ever have to worry about what we think of your efforts,
    your love, your disappoint and pain. Many of us are there or have been there done that. You and only you can draw the line in the sand where
    it suits your family. I am sending supportive cyber hugs. DDD
     
  11. WhereIsTheLight

    WhereIsTheLight New Member

    Hearthope, this is the second time I've thrown difficult child out. The first time she went to San Francisco and lived on the street for 4 months. I was a basket case, as detached as I tried to remain, it hurt. Bad.

    If you ask him to leave, if can you be assured his basic needs will be taken care of, food and shelter, it makes it a bit easier. But it sounds like you are concerned with whom he will live.

    When I realized that my difficult child would probably live with me, and be supported by me for the rest of my life, I had to exercise a little self-preservation. And it is a relief, and peaceful and I am downright happy (with a sprinkle of guilt) that she is out of the house. And the kitchen is cleaner. And I'm eyeing her room for a home office.

    I think I would let the chips fall where they may. I've had to do it a few times with difficult child: when the p-hospital asked for my authorization to restrain her and when the school was consulting with me before disciplining her, when she's not compliant with the recovery of her broken jaw. That one nearly killed me, because I know screwing up her progress could have permanent effects on her health, but I had to step away. I had to tell them to deal with her as they saw fit, that I would not interfere with her consequences any more. It goes against everything a mother is made of, and it's hard to keep that detachment without feeling empty and cold.

    But the payoff, if it comes now, or a year from now, or 10 years from now, is that something soaks into those hardheaded, obstinate skulls, and a lightbulb goes off and one day, they step around that hole and they become that much more closer to the person hiding inside.

    I'll be thinking about you this week. Serenity be with you.
     
  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    your son's PO is a woman. bad thing. she is problem charmed by him. ant can do that.

    your son has no one making him toe the line. he is abusing your roof by messing it up. so make a firm rule and consequence: if you do this then this will happen.

    then follow thru. it helps when they know the consequences.

    ant never complied but I felt less guilt when I at least had told him what to expect from me.
    tell your son today that tomorrow you will:
    tie the dog outside and hose the room down. bag up your son's stuff and put it in the basement, and take the door off his bedroom so you can see if it is kept clean.

    let the judge handle the other stuff

    decide for yourself what you can and cannot live with. I will not let my sons or anyone else leave a mess. this is my home. dang it.
     
  13. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi HH,
    no, you don't sound happy, you sound resigned. Sometimes there is a relief in "giving up hope" so to speak. You realize you have done everything you could and now you are done and you can move forward with your own life.

    I know with my dtr I have now accepted that she is the person she seems to be. Maybe she will change someday and do better. She is not a person I like very much. If I was not related to her I guess I would enjoy doing fun things with her as she is a lot of fun to be with but she is not someone I would trust.

    I hope this chapter in your life can be ended soon so you can have a life without chaos and enjoy your husband and easy child.

    Jane
     
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm so sorry HH.

    ((((hugs))))
     
  15. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    RM~ Speak the truth with love,thank you. I hope it comes across that way to him, those are my intentions

    Janet ~He is not aware of the court date. PO and I made it yesterday. I don't have any idea what the outcome may be, honestly I didn't want to know if he would go to jail. I am not sure about him having the warrant because he was driving girlfriend's car and she didn't have insurance. I will talk to po about that mon.

    DDD ~ He has crossed my line, now I just have to deal with it

    WITL ~ We have here before. I can't worry about who he will end up staying with he is hanging out with them now and I have no control over it. This was his last chance at living at home

    Jbrain ~ Yes, there is a relief that it is finished and just as strong is the pain that he knew this was his last chance at living here

    Nomad ~ My son has had everyone you could imagine try and talk to him. He has had several male mentors as well. He only hears his own voice ~ the one that tells him he has it all figured out if we would just leave him alone

    Ant's mom ~ Janet~ Yes, she has been charmed by my son from the beginning. She has even admitted that to me. have tried to stay on him and he was doing really great until he quit his job and got that car. I feel the same way about my home, I have physical and mental 12 hr days I work to pay for my home and what is in it. I won't allow him to destroy it again. I still have flashbacks of him punching holes in the doors and walls.

    I thank you all for your responses. It means so much to be able to post what is going on and get feedback from been there done that. It really helps me work through all the feelings I have.

    I spent the day buying furniture covers and new rugs~~ I guess we have to control and make nice what we can when we have no control over our difficult children
     
  16. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    I'm so sorry, hearthope.

    It helped me to remember that I told my son the truth. Once I allowed myself to understand what the situation was, once I told him that I would not watch him destroy himself, it was easier to say the things I had to say.

    For us, that did not begin happening until difficult child was twenty-nine and I found this site.

    If your son is determined to go this way, there is very little you can do to stop him.

    Tell the truth with love, as one of the others of us said, hearthope.

    Tell it to yourself, first. If we can be honest with ourselves about why this is happening, we stand a better chance of bringing ourselves and our families through it intact.

    husband (at least mine does) will need to process everything too. They always say they are fine, but they are as devastated as we are.

    Their job is to protect. Especially with a son, their role is to mentor.

    I swear, they are more lost than we are when a child walks this path.

    The other important thing is to take nurturing yourself seriously. You cannot give from an empty cup. What is happening to you now is one of the worst things that can happen to a parent. There is no closure, there is no feeling of accomplishment.

    If you can accept that it isn't going to feel very good, that there will probably be no easy solution, you will be able to get yourself through it in one piece.

    I did.

    I kept trying, I followed every smallest possiblity, I fixated on difficult child to the point of distraction ~ but I am still here, still in one piece, and getting stronger and better and more accepting every day.

    Find and take your joy where you can. Anything ~ the way the sun shines through the leaves, the way the air smells in the morning. Give yourself those little moments, those little joys. You will be surprised how much strength that will give you.

    Remain present.

    Your son may turn himself around, yet.

    It helped me to remember that I had not asked the impossible of my son. There are young men fighting and dying in the desert right now who have no choice about whether they will survive the next day.

    Our sons have a choice about what they are doing.

    Our job is to tell them to make a different choice.

    If difficult child does ever get his head on straight, he is still young enough that you can make a difference for him.

    The words we say stay with our children, so say the things you want your son to know.

    Tell him you believe he can turn all this around in an instant.

    And that he was raised to do better than what he is doing.

    I am so sorry, hearthope.

    You will make it. You are strong enough. You will do all the right things. From what I know, it will never feel right, you will not feel that good feeling a mother feels when her child is doing well ~ not until your son IS doing well. If you can accept that, you will manage to function through all this.

    And you have the site, and all of us.

    Post and post and post, to get your bearings, to know how to respond, to learn how to come through this in one piece.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you and to your son.

    Barbara
     
  17. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Barbara ~ you speak so many truths

    Biodad was the one that taught me the truths of drug use.

    The only person you can change is yourself. The only time drug use will stop is when the person abusing drugs decides to stop.

    That has been the hardest for me to accept. It was so different dealing with his dad than dealing with him. He is my son that was raised aware of the pain and destruction drugs cause. He is the very last person on earth I would imagine that would use drugs.

    He has seen the homeless. He has been the homeless staying in a shelter to get away from his dad abusing drugs. I have always been honest with him and we have discussed drug use and choices people make since he was little. He knows the reasons we left his dad. He knows I struggled to raise him and sister with no help so that they wouldn't be exposed to anyone using drugs.

    I think I have finally come to the point of letting all of that go. I realize it no longer matters what I did or didn't do, it only matters that he is still choosing to go down the wrong road.

    I am strong in my beliefs, that is where my strength comes from to stand against what he is doing.

    Many times I have told him I will move a mountain for you if you are living right but I will not help you go down the wrong road.

    He knows this. I believe that is why he has chosen to advoid me, he knows what I am going to say when we talk.

    I will keep posting. It helps me so much to hear what others have done. It opens my eyes to a different way and it also assures me that I am not the only one going through these rough times.

    What you said about having no closure and no accomplishment is so true. This was not what anyone imagined having to do at this time in life.
    I am witnessing the growth of the other 18 yr olds in his class. They are following the goals they set for themselves. My son is spinning his wheels in circles, mostly going backwards. He also sees (I think) the progress and choices these others are making.
    I have no idea what he thinks about it and how he justifies the fact that everyone else is moving on and he is happy to stay in the same hole and just keep getting lower and lower.

    I will remember the truth ~~~ Only he can change himself
     
  18. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Hi HH, sounds like he's spiraling down again. No words of wisdom, but I do know how you feel, and I'm so sorry.
     
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