New here and hoping for some advice

[lp1968]

I have a 21 yo daughter and 15 yo daughter from my first marriage, and have a 3 yo and 4mo from my second. My oldest is the problem. During her teenage years she unbeknownst to me, had a cocaine addiction. I say unbeknownst and admit that I was kind of a absentee parent during those year dealing with my divorce. I was there physically, but not mentally. She kicked the habit on her own, turned her high school grades around and graduated. She is currently going to college online and working during the day.

From a really young age, she would steal things and lie.When we would catch her, we obviously would punish her. It kind of stopped until she got older-maybe 17ish and then we would notice money missing from a wallet or purse. We would confront both girls, punish them both, but neither would admit to it. It doesn't happen often, but still enough to be really annoying. She claims that she does things and "doesn't remember" doing them. I have a hard time buying it, but guess it could be true with past drug use or a mental disorder . About a month ago she admitted to me that she had a problem with using oxy and that she was in debt. I agreed to loan her the money if she agreed to come clean and allow me to do random drug testing-which I have done and she is clean thus far. My husband also had a $300 pair of headphones that just dissapeared.

Well this past weekend, my husband (who just had back surgery) had 2 percocet go missing and on the same day had $20 go missing. I am just fed up. Whenever we confront both girls it is the same thing "I didn't do it", "maybe he didn't know how much he had in his wallet". What can you do if you believe you know which child it is, but have no solid proof? I really do not believe that my 15 year old would do this, for many reasons. Please help. Any advice is appreciated.

 

[BusynMember]

This post would probably do better on substance abuse. Most here are dealing with kids younger than 18 so they have more legal options yet can't yet insist that the grown child possibly leave the home. Welcome to the board, by the way.

No doubt she is using drugs if she is stealing. It is the landmark behavior that points to it. She may have kicked cocaine, but she is using other drugs and at her age there is no way I'd pay anything for her except possibly an inpatient stay at a rehab. Even if she denies it, she is a drug addict. I had one like her. The money kept on disappearing to buy the drugs, legal or illegal. As you are finding out, not all drugs show up on drug tests and the users know which ones do a nd which ones don't.

Have you considered making her leave the house or calling the police on her? I would do both. I did call the cops on my daughter and she was younger than yours in an attempt to maybe get her help or get her services to quit plus SHE CAN NOT STEAL or she will eventually move on to others and end up in jail. I don't buy for a minute that your daughter didn't know what she did. Drug addicts are very manipulative. My daughter actually DID quit and her mantra is: "Never trust a drug addict. They'll look straight into your eyes and lie."

by the way, I don't think it's fair to drag fifteen year old daughter into it. She isn't the one doing it. Why ask her? It's insulting to a good k id to drag her into it just because your older daughter's feelings may be hurt if she is the only one you ask. Frankly, in my opinion she is a bad influence on Younger Daughter. That is one reason we asked our daughter to leave when she turned eighteen. We had two younger kids to think about.

 

[InsaneCdn]

The only measure of "safety" lies in not providing opportunity. In other words, assume she will steal anything of value and any medications available - and put everything under lock-and-key or on-your-person, 24/7. It's either that, or she gets put out of the home and locked-out. One way or the other, you have to put locks between her and the "stuff". At this age, you own't succeed in "teaching" her the missing skill of honesty.

 

[buddy]

Hi, your child is older than mine, but I wanted you to know I read your post. Is it an option to have her move out? It sounds like your younger child really needs to be out from under her influence and that allowing her to stay with you may be enabling her. There are others here who understand those kinds of decisions and have lived them so please forgive me if I am way off base. I am sure others will be along. As was suggested, you can cross post this or ask it to be moved to the substance abuse forum, but many of us see all posts by checking under the "new posts" tab.

Peace to you, glad you found the group. It is a lovely group of people......

 

[Liahona]

Sometimes difficult child 1 tries to use the "you don't have any proof" argument on me. I tell him that his past behavior makes it so he has to earn our trust. And, that he has lied to us so much in the past that I don't believe him now. Yes, I am that blunt with him. With us if anyone is hurt around him I assume he is guilty of hurting them (most times I'm right to.) He is having to earn back our trust and that isn't easy.

 

[miss mo]

I have a little dilemma my son is 13 years old and he is in wrestling he has an incident today where he was at wrestling practice and the coach got angry at some other kids so he lost his cool he lost his temper and grab some keys from his pocket and tried to throw met the wall so he said when he threw up when it's struck my son in the head cutting him on the head and put the gas in it what action should I take? I don't know whether or not I want to proceed to an actual complaint for the police or should I just go to the school administration and see what they say? I know sometimes that they protect the reputation for the school or maybe the teacher but I'm really confused on what actions I should take? Please can anybody help me and give me some advice what I should do I don't want to let it go because I don't want no other kids to get hurt but he does have a reputation for anger and yelling at the kids only because he wants to win!

 

[buddy]

Miss Mo, you replied to a thread about a different topic. I think you might get more help if you click on "general parenting" and then click "post new thread". I guess I can copy it and post if if you want, maybe a moderator can delete this if you dont really intend it to be a reply to this poster....