Newbie - glad to find you!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Hannahls73, Sep 4, 2010.

  1. Hannahls73

    Hannahls73 Guest

    Hi all!

    My gcg is 9 and strong-willed, energetic, a leader, intelligent, and inventive. I'm pretty sure he is ODD. I never wanted to label him with anything - and sought other diagnosis first - ADHD, Anxiety not otherwise specified, Depression. I never wanted ODD to be the diagnosis. After studying, talking to other professionals, and really soul searching I'm thinking it's ODD.

    I'm tired of punishing him when it does no good. I'm tired of him feeling terrible about himself because he can't yet control his emotions when he's angry or challenged or frustrated. I'm tired of little brother seeing big brother acting like this and trying to help him feel better only to be caught up in the struggle. I'm tired of feeling like this is all my fault, that I parented him wrong as a little child when in my heart I know that I didn't. I'm tired of others (only a few) seeing him acting like this and saying that he needs spankings, groundings, to be yelled at, etc. when I know it doesn't work. I'm tired of my difficult child not being able to see himself as the fantastic child that he is because these problems take charge of him sometimes.

    So I'm here to seek new ideas, offer help where I can (drawing from own experience as a parent, and as a school counselor), and hopefully get my child on a path where he feels like a true difficult child.

    Thanks everyone!
    Hannah
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    HI and welcome to the board, but sorry you had to come here.

    To be honest, the first thing I'd do, if he were mine, is to get him totally evaluated by a neuropsychologist. Most of us here feel ODD is an unhelpful diagnosis that doesn't really say much. And it sounds like you've had a variety of different diagnosis., but probably no serious testing (beyond maybe IQ). NeuroPsychs are very thorough and in my opinion the best diagnosticians.

    Whatever is wrong is not your fault, no matter if one hundred people tell you it is. These issues tend to be inherited. Are there are any psychiatric issues or substance abuse on EITHER side of his genetic family tree? His bio. dad has contributed 50% of his genes to the children even if he never sees them so he IS relevant, even if he is absent. Also, how was his early development? Does he have any obsessions, make friends with his same-age peers easily, have good eye contact with strangers, transition well from one activity to another? I would NOT focus on ODD. Or anything you've so far been told. I'd do the neuropsychologist work up. You and your son have struggled enough and we, as parents, don't know what is really wrong with him to give you any advice. That should be left to professioanls. often our differently wired kids do not respond to traditional parenting methods that regular therapists tell us to use. And spankings sure don't help.

    Good luck, whatever you decide and welcome here again ;)
     
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Welcome to the crowd! It's a great group of people that will do everything they can to help out. Make sure you stop in the Watercooler forum as well. That's where we let our hair down and talk about our "goings on", share info. about and for us and just work together.

    I will tell you this: if I had spanked my difficult child 1 everytime someone suggested it, he'd look like a bag of ground beef and STILL be acting the same way! He's got Aspergers Syndrome - and to hear him talk when he's not driving you nuts, you'd think he was a basically normal, somewhat quirky kid. Then the rages, bossiness, meanness and basic exorcism needing junk arises. I must tell you, I feel for you when it comes to the younger brother trying to help and ending up a victim in the whole mess. He runs the show around here and has for quite a while.

    A neuropsychologist would probably be my next step too. It really is revealing. Make sure that they do an ADOS, it really can be very insightful as well. We don't offer diagnosis's around here - we're not doctors - but your guy sounds a lot like mine.

    Again, welcome to the crowd!

    Beth

    PS: you may not get a lot of responses on the weekend - it gets a little quiet around here - don't be discouraged, post away and you'll see some results!
     
  4. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    Welcome ,

    I want to recommend the CPS -collaborative problem solving approach. Diagnoses dont tell us much , but unsolved problems and lacking skills do.

    In a sentence the most important thing we can do for a child is have conversations with him , he doing the talking , we listeneing directing the conversation with dialog questions , focusing on perpective taking , identifying concerns, problem solving of general stuff then moving onto the emotive stuff . He has to learn to trust the process , develop the skill and see you as a help. Mentors , older brothers , being involved in clubs or organizations with different age groups and generations helps kids think like adults . We have to relax the the atmosphere in the home , more dance, music , general chatting - before we ask something of him , fist connect , enter his world and work with him . It is not a technique or a magic bullet , not easy . education is a process. We nned to nurture ourselves so we can become a source of hope and joy , negative thoughts get us down , we would be a lot better without them - check out the work by Byron Katie

    http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com/2010/07/children-do-well-if-they-can.html

    There are 2 sites http://thinkkids.org and http://livesinthebalance.org . Look for the TSI - thinking skills inventory / ALSUP - the assessed lacking skills and unsolved problems checklists - depending on the site - and go through the check lists

    If you do get books make sure it is the latest editions .

    I hope this helps

    Allan
     
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just wanted to add in my welcome-glad you found us-welcome to our soft corner of the world.
     
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