One way to get difficult child to leave house without me actually having to move

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GuideMe, Oct 4, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Ok, so we all know that I am having a hell of a time with difficult child and trying to detach from her not only mentally, but physically. I told you all that I would basically just leave my rental when lease is up because that's the only way I could see us both getting out safely and without incident. I know if I got her an eviction, it would take 30 days and in those 30 days, I would fear for my safety because she would be extremely angry. I love difficult child with all of my heart and she really is not a bad person. Our relationship is just truly unhealthy, but I am certain it would improve ions if we didn't have to live together. I will always help her any way I can, but living with each other is only killing me.

    So here is my idea. How about if I pretend to move out? Like, actually go through with the motions of moving, so this way she believes it? I really don't have that much stuff to move, so it won't be that difficult. Yes, it's very frustrating that I actually have to do something like this, but hey, if it gives me the peace that I need once and for all, I am willing to do it. I hate that it has to come to this, but I can't do it anymore. Am I suppose to die just to give? I been through enough in life. I just need a good long break so I can recoup.
     
  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    So you start packing, and she asks you what are you doing, and you say, "I'm moving." And then she'll ask more questions, like "When are you moving?" "Where are you moving?" What are you going to tell her?

    Maybe you could move out for real and start the eviction process then. How are your local cops? Could you stop at the station and talk to them? They may have some ideas on how to handle the situation.
     
  3. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Your daughter seems to think that it's more her home than yours. Your recent posts about her awful friends staying in your home without your leave suggest that she has no respect for you, no respect for your home and no respect for any boundaries.

    Will she just assume that, if you are moving, then she will move with you? Does she think it is your 'job' to provide her with a home and food etc? Rather than her questions being "When are you moving? Where are you moving", will they be "When are we moving? Where are we moving?". I'm not sure that pretending to move will get rid of her. I think you need to find the strength to stand up for your own rights in your own home and give her a deadline to move out.

    It's not healthy for either of you to be living together like this. You say that your daughter is not a bad person, but she is a bad person in your home. Maybe you can have hope that, if she stands on her own two feet and finds her own place to live, then maybe your relationship will improve.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with LucyJ.

    I also agree that adults have trouble living together. How many people REALLY want to live with their parents??? Not too many adults like that idea.

    Mom/daughters/sons all tend to get along better if they all have their own spaces, if only because you get a break from one another. I miss JUmper like crazy now that she is at college, but I am shocked at the wonderful messages she posts on my FB, like "Mom, you are the best. I don't know what I'd do without you." She never would have SAID that to me, but she is very comfortable writing things like that from a distance. We write nice things to one another all the time. Not saying a difficult child will do that, but it does take the edge off. I'm glad 36 lives far away. It is far more cordial with him in another state.
     
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    GuideMe, I can so empathize with your plight, living with a difficult child of any age is an exercise is futility and misery. Perhaps in the short term, the idea of pretending to move out would work, but I think in the bigger picture and in the long term, what must happen is the dynamic between the two of you must change, you need to take your power back, you need to stop allowing your daughter's negative bad behavior to continue. For your sake AS WELL AS HERS. A young person has to be able to have boundaries, that's how they feel safe and when they don't get them, they lash out at the person who is supposed to supply them with those boundaries, which is you.

    You have all the power to change this scenario, however, you will have to learn the tools and the skill set to take your power back, set those boundaries, declare your independence from this tyranny and stand up for your rights.

    Perhaps begin the eviction process in whatever way you must in your state and at the very same time start therapy for yourself, or start some kind of counseling so you can alter the course of this path you're on. In my opinion, the only way to deal with it where it will have lasting results is to tackle it head on, confront it, not run from it.

    This is a pattern you have developed with your daughter over a long period of time, and you will need to dismantle that pattern and develop a new one which is healthy and works for YOU. It appears that you will need some guidance, support and counseling in order for you to accomplish that.

    I went through an almost two year long codependency course through a local HMO which was lead by therapists. I went to a weekly support group facilitated by a trained therapist and attended by mostly parents who had enabled their kids. I met with a therapist privately as well. I attended CODA groups, read books, soaked up lots of information and support on this site and did whatever I could to stop the patterning I had developed with my own daughter. It was hard. At times it was like trying to stop a runaway train, which is why I always advocate getting professional help. It's a very difficult thing for us parents to do, to detach from our kids and put the emphasis on our own lives.

    It may not be a quick fix, it may take time, but once you deal with it and begin to recover yourself, begin to value yourself and your own boundaries, begin to recognize that you really do have the power to shift this to what YOU want, your whole life will change for the better. And, you will release your daughter into her own life knowing how to respect another persons boundaries, which is an important lesson for her to learn.

    Get yourself some support GM, you deserve a life of your own without being dragged through the nonsense your daughter is putting you through. YOU can change it. You have all the power, take it.
     
  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you everyone. I wrote a REALLY long reply and when I refreshed the page, it went bye bye. I am so mad right now, but I do not have the energy to write all that again, so I will just thank you all and taking your words to heart.
     
  7. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    GM --- I agree that you have the power to change your scenario. And I mean that in a VERY empowering way for you! You are smart, caring, compassionate and stronger than you may think. You can do this. You deserve this. And it's very true that adults and their parents will probably not do well together, in general. It's not only for your benefit to have her living apart, it's also to HER benefit.

    Lies ---- Well, in general principle, I think lies only make matters worse. But I'd be a total hypocrite to say that I've never lied. I have. And, on rare occasion, perhaps it staved off a crisis. However, I just always felt awful inside afterwards. I'm not built well to lie. I'm bad at it and even if it staves off a crisis, it winds up hurting ME. Now, I may not choose to tell EVERY truth I know to someone.....I may carefully word factual matters.

    However, being truthful just seems to help everyone in the long run --- even if it's tough in the short run. Crystal clear boundaries help everyone.

    GM -- I send you best wishes because I have really enjoyed your heart and your humor in your posts in this forum! You deserve peace in your home life! (and YOUR rentals are a part of YOUR home life!)

    *** Pardon the CAPS..... just emphasis there. :) Take care!
     
  8. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    I moved away from mine. When I found out in February that my difficult child had stolen over $1000 worth of my property- I moved all my stuff into storage. I'd been thinking of moving anyway, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I travel for work right now (Sunday through friday) and no way was I willing to "hope" I got home every friday to find my belongings intact. Best thing I ever did. Uprooted myself horribly- 43 years old with no 'permanent' residence right now (I stay weekends at my mom's or my daughter's)- house is listed. Crossing my fingers it sells fast so that I can move OUT of town.
     
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    GM, I hope this isn't insensitive, but how on earth can you say you are afraid of her to the point of fearing for your safety if you evict her, and still say she's not a bad person? If she's capable of actually physically injuring you because she's mad at you - she's not a good person.

    But my opinion there is not the issue I suppose.

    When is your lease up? The easiest thing to do is simply find a new ONE bedroom and move. Second easiest is to move out - short-term, and then institute the eviction. She'll have the place to herself while it's in progress. If your state is like mine though, it's not that easy to get someone out, even with a judgment. Another choice is to simply break your lease. Talk to the landlord. Explain the situation. See if they'll let you out early...or perhaps even move to a different unit of theirs and just change to lease to the new place? Finally, if you evict her and stay in the home, you really can call the police if she gets violent and they'll remove her. You don't have to stay in a domestic violence situation because of some landlord/tenant problem.

    For that matter, what would actually happen if you just boxed her stuff up, set it on the front step and changed the locks while she was gone one day? I've always wondered that, when some of you say you'd have to legally evict a difficult child. I could just boot mine out the door and toss his stuff out after him where I live.
     
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Lil, much depends on the local and state laws as to what happens if you just box an adult child's stuff up and leave it on the step outside and change the locks. In some (many) states, it is actually illegal to do that, whether your difficult child is aware enough to know this or not. what will you do if the difficult child calls the cops because you changed the locks and put his stuff out? what if they tell you that you must allow him in because that is his legal residence? You don't really have a choice at that point, unless you can prove abuse. In some areas, even proving that you were physically abused won't get them to make your difficult child leave. I have a friend in another state who got a restraining order against her boyfriend, but could not legally make him leave their home AND could not take their child when she left because she did not have a custody order. He didn't have custody, but the home was said to be the child's home and the RO did not mean that the boyfriend had to leave or that his custody of the child was unchanged as they had no custody orders or agreements. If she wanted a PRAYER of custody, she had to stay in the home iwth her abuser or else she would be 'abandoning' the child by leaving. the cops agreed it was crazy, but they could not change things or make her boyfriend let her take the child with her.

    Anyway, the laws regarding legal residency are sometimes difficult to negotiate. we had a member who's difficult child let a 'friend' spend ONE night in her home and the next day the 'friend' claimed residency and it took them months to get this person out. Literally months to make this person who spent ONE night in the home leave. So if you let an adult move in, get an agreement in writing concerning when they will leave or they might not have to.

    Of course if the person doesn't know they have rights and don't have to leave sometimes you can get away with just throwing them out, but if they call the cops you can be in trouble.
     
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    The crazy thing is, I'm actually a lawyer. It's been years since I wasn't employed by the state, but I'm sure most of that stuff would NOT happen in Missouri. It's not open and shut, but you tell someone to leave here, the cops will make them leave...at least for the night. In a domestic assault situation, a restraining order will get them out, AND get you temporary custody, even if you move. Now, you couldn't get rid of them if theirs is the only name on the property/lease...but they do kick people out of jointly held property here. And with no ownership interest, they're out pretty handily. "Legal residence" be darned...you can kick someone out. Not to say they can't come back in until you get some kind of order and trickier if they aren't violent, but doable.
     
  12. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Sometimes you just have to love the laws that protect us from ourselves. Eye's rolling here.

    The thing is people get caught in these legal loophole traps and often don't have the money or the knowledge to work it out. Wouldn't it be great if the law was always on the side of protecting the innocent and making our lives safer? Now the rules are so convoluted that they often protect the wrongdoer.

    All of us know someone who has been caught in this vicious cycle at some point. It may be in the technicality of a bill you receive from the cable company or a lease you sign. Sometimes it is in court! The laws that protect the innocent have been so beaten and battered by abusers that they no longer carry the weight they did.

    Man oh man are there a million ways to do people wrong anymore. It's a shame people can't just be decent law abiding citizens who aren't out to get something over on someone.
     
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