opinions please!!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Apr 14, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    There has been an unnerving calm at my home. So calm, I am in denial that it is real...

    difficult child has not once argued about any response to his request. If I say no to what ever he asks ~ It is okay

    He quit his job to start another with an old difficult child friend

    He is making twice the money, but I don't trust the old friend.
    The friend has moved into a house with his bro and they come and go as they wish. My difficult child is still coming home during the week, but stays there weekends.

    I caught my difficult child off guard and asked him if his friend still gets high. He said he didn't know what he did. sounds like a yes to me.

    I don't fault him for wanting a higher paying job. He didn't give his boss a two week notice, which I didn't like, but he said it was his job not mine.

    I feel like the friend is doing shady things. I just can't put my finger on exactly what it is.

    Have you ever just had the feeling something is just not right?

    I have tried to talk to him, but he jumped right in with both feet and now he is with this friend most of the time.

    I am still just sitting back and waiting for the bomb to go off I guess. I have been in shock recently with his attitude.

    I think I am having flashbacks from the calm talk we had when he was on coke and I was blind and didn't have a clue. I actually went to bed thinking I was getting through to him and the calmness he was showing was drug induced.

    I don't know if we have reached a new place or if he is back sliding and has just learned to go with the flow and not cause any problems.

    Remember, my difficult child is textbook ODD, just never diagnosis'ed it. It is his way or the highway in his mind, but now he is just like easy child (almost)

    I know others of you have been here, What is going on?
     
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    in my opinion Always listen to your gut.

    I can only speak from personal experiences, but usually when they start hanging around the old crowd it means they're using again. Of course I could be wrong. Like I said, this is my own experience. If he isn't, then he's in the fast lane to disaster if the difficult child friend is getting high. Awful lot of tempation there.

    The sudden change in attitude/behavior worries me.

    I'm hoping I'm wrong.

    (((hugs)))
     
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm with Lisa. Trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. :frown:

    Suz
     
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I was going to say the same thing before I even ready anyone elses replies, go with your gut. Mine was always right!!

    The fact that he said he doesn't know what his friend is doing is complete bull. Of course he knows. I'm surprised he didn't just say no he doesn't get high to make you happy, but who knows why they do the things they do.

    Not sure what you can do about it at this point unless you know for sure that he's using. Just keep your eyes and ears open and have a plan so if you find out he is, you are prepared on how to handle it.
     
  5. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi,
    just here to agree with the others--go with your gut, I know mine is always right too. When I feel uneasy about something regarding difficult child 1 it seems that there is a reason for it that eventually comes out.

    I don't know of anything you can actually do right now either other than being aware and ready to deal with "it", whatever it is!
    Hugs,
    Jane
     
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm with the others here. Birds of a feather flock together--until one of them gets locked up---then they scatter like chickens.
     
  7. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thank you all!

    I knew I needed to post about it. Without getting info from you all, I can go to this strange place of denial and make myself believe I am over-reacting.

    I am not trying to rescue him any longer.

    I can't really put into words what place I am at now, but I firmly believe that I have to let him make his own choices now.

    When he will listen, I do tell him what I think and try to remind him of the big picture.

    I don't know if I am enabling him. I am looking at it from the point that if he screws up now, he is just going to be out of our home. If he was out and had his name on a lease somewhere and other bills he was responsible for and screwed up he would mess up his credit.

    I am not sure if that goes under enabling or not. I guess you could say I am allowing him to not be responsible because all he has to pay now is his fine to the court.

    I have given him the chance to save for transportation and he has saved some. My parents made a deal with him about the money towards a truck and he has done what they asked so he now has more money to put with his savings and get the truck.
    He is responsible for insurance and tag. We took him off our insurance when he flipped our car.

    Thank you all for being here and letting me work this out. I value all of your opinions
     
  8. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #990000"> is it safe to assume that part of him living in your home that he remain clean? why not make him take a drug test....preferably after a weekend at *bernies*.

    i agree with-the others....if your gut is speaking to you, you should pay attention.

    kris
    </span> </span> </span>
     
  9. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    I just saw this, hearthope.

    I am so cynical lately I hate to respond, sometimes. If this sounds heartless, just take it with a grain of salt, okay?

    I agree with everyone else. Listen to your intuition. The thing is, there is nothing you HAVE to do right now.

    You might want to think about the niche your son is sticking you back into, here.

    Don't let him do that.

    Find an oportunity to talk about how relieved you are that things are better for him. Let him think you are going on with your own life, your own happiness, and easy child's happiness. Make sure the rules are very clear. You can post anything you want to on the fridge and he can ask you about it or not.

    Review your plans for how you will handle things if everything changes.

    I think it is true that the kids will twist everything around to make it look like it was pressure from us that justified whatever it is they did.

    Don't give him that pleasure.

    There is no solid ground, no simple answer ~ not that I have ever found, anyway.

    Whatever is coming next, it will feel less chaotic now that you have the site.

    If difficult child is on the up and up (and he could be) there is nothing wrong with you for wondering about him, or for hoping it isn't all starting again.

    I am glad you posted about it too, hearthope.

    My difficult child?

    Hates this site.

    Barbara
     
  10. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    my concept with ant now is that I would feel guilty if I did not remind him of consequences. I tell him if he does this, then this will happen..or if he does not pay his fines or do his community service then he will be back in jail.

    I told him once. he is smart enought to know it. telling him eased my mind that he knows it for sure. if he chooses a diff path than the freedom train...his problem.

    not to say that does not cause me sorrow. just to say I admit I am helpless to control his actions.

    your son is problem staying away weekends to use drugs/alcohol.
    he is an addict. ant is an alocholic. a functional one. he holds it together mon thru fri to get money from work. he has lost weekends.

    I wrap my arms around you cyberly as I know the fears you can get. the anxiety and worry are so alarming. I find comfort in turning it over to God. I tell myself even when it may not look like God is at work, he is. even when things look bad, ant is learning some thing. some lesson. without me. I feel God knows I need a break from it, it is way over my head and out of my realm of control. I lay that burden down. Peace to you and yours.

    Janet
     
  11. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    hearthope -- The last year Angela lived at home, she would be gone to raves (parties) from Friday nights through Monday mornings many many weekends. We knew she was using drugs. Ask her about it and she would deny it. But I kept in contact with a few of her friends during that tme via email and I knew she definitely was.

    The thing I've found over the years is if a kid says "I don't know," they really do know. They just don't want to tell you. And if they don't want to tell you, it means it's something you would not want to hear or approve of.

    As I read your post, I thought to myself are you willing to let him live at home during the week if he "acts like a easy child" and be gone all weekend assuming he is using drugs. If so, then try to relax and accept that. If not, then it's time to make him move out. (We finally kicked Angela out at 19 after a year of her partying all weekend.)

    Take care,
    Sue
     
  12. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Barbara ~ maybe it is the weather, but I have had the same problem you are having. Just kinda feel dumped on one too many times, I can't at the moment put my finger on the exact cause.

    Kris ~ Yes, he is expected to be alcohol and drug free while living here. PO is supposed to be doing random test, yet she has told him he can mail his payments in.

    Janet ~ I related to your post so much. I too am the reminder of reality. I take every chance I can to speak the truth to my son and just like you, I think I say it just so I know he will know it regardless if he chooses to listen or not. Because in the end I don't want to doubt if I let him know what was going to happen if he messed up again.

    Sue ~ I can't say that he is partying. I think alot of what he is doing is staying up past the time we would allow at home for one. And he is spending time with a new girl that he has not brought home for us to meet. in my opinion he knows I wouldn't approve of the girl, so it is much easier to see her over at friends. And let's be honest ~ she couldn't spend the night here, but I am sure it is not a problem there. He comes in and out throughout the weekend and I have not seen any signs, but I was also the last to see it before, so that doesn't mean much
     
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