Overbearing Inlaws

[cutietwinkletoes]

My husband is the youngest of 4 kids, he has never lived away from his parents since we have been together and particularly since we married I have begged him to move as I am sick of the family interventions he of course wont. It is fustrating when in the morning we are fine but if he has been anywhere near "mummy" we end up fighting, I am a "control freak" etc pregnancy was hard for me as he lost his job and we moved house (into one owned by his parents) so we fought alot, his parents mainly mum didnt make it easier they would constantly interfare by taking him away from "the psycho wife" well all woman go crazy when they are pregnant. His siblings were often making surprise vists from out of town far more frequently then normal, it seemed like my husband needed to be helped and I was left to sink or swim on my own, he left me when I was pregnant but "mum" sent him home because I threatened to take baby with me and she knew if I left when I was pregnant and he had already left me then she would loose that grandchild, so she used stratagy. Now since my son is here things have somewhat settled down except now for being constantly undermined, my mother in law telling my child he has a "paranoid mother" because I do not do things her way like leave my child unattended like she did when she took him off me to "console him" after I told her it was fine she left him in a pram ALONE at 3 months old of course I told her it wasnt appropriate I freaked when I couldnt find him and her response "its fine" they also contstantly call my husband to do things for them inwhich they must say bad things about me because he comes home accusatory and we end up fighting, no matter how much I have told my hubby I cant take this any more and to tell his parents to back off, he wont and I am lost in wondering if things will change or how to change me in order to make things better I have tried to tell them myself they go deaf on me and he wont back me up I dont want my child to suffer because of this and I dont want my inlaws to win by pushing me out of my own family

 

[Hound dog]

Wow.

First off I've got to be honest with you. Your husbands relationship with his parents/mother is not healthy nor "normal". It appears from your post your mother in law is controlling (to the hilt) and manipulative (to the hilt) and your husband will not/ can not break away from it.

I can't tell you what is best for you and your son. All I can tell you is what I would do in a similar situation. I would leave. Husband would either love me enough to come with me, or he'd stay with his mother. Stinks to high heaven, but I don't see anyway for you to win in this situation.

Your husband is obviously very dependent on his mother/parents. That won't change unless he wants to change it, and even then it won't be easy for him to do. You could attempt couple counseling, but I have a feeling that your mother in law will find a way to make this look as if you're controlling him blah blah blah.

If it were me? I'd pack up and get as far away as possible. But then I grew up with a mother like that and I know the damage that can be done. You won't change her. She won't give up control without one heck of a fight. And he has to not only want it but be willing to fight her for his independence. Not an easy thing for someone who's lived that way their whole lives.

Welcome to the board.

(((hugs)))

 

[DDD]

I'm sorry you are so miserable. It's hard to respond appropriately because I have no idea how old you and your husband are, how supportive your family and friends are on your behalf, or what your financial situation is at this time. I also don't know how independent you are by nature which makes a big difference in your options.

I realize it is easy to blame your inlaws but based on your post it sounds as though your husband is not prepared to be his own man. That doesn't mean he is a bad person...it just sounds as tho he is immature and not seeking an independent life. He can not be controlled unless he chooses to be controlled.

Perhaps the two of you could get some family counseling to discover if there is any hope that things will improve. If not...then you'll have to analyze what your future goals are and take steps to accomplish them. I'm sorry you are in that unhappy place. Hugs. DDD

 

[cutietwinkletoes]

Thankyou to those who have posted support, I am 25 my husband is 26 we have been married coming up 3 years in June, our son is 5 months old currently I am in talks with a Lawyer about the outcome if I leave, due to lovely family laws here I need permission from my husband before I can leave cities or else he could charge me with Kidnapping our son, and I am certain that if I leave his parents will label me crazy in order to try gain custody for their son, I am not entirely threatened by this as majority of the time the children go to the mother and since I am a stay at home mum any competent judge will see fit to keep him with me, my own family is disfunctional and I get little support from them they are also of low decile origins, whereas my husbands family are affluent. I have no where to go as majority of my support is too far away and I cannot afford to fly home at this time and I dont have many friends where I live most are solo mums who are still at home with their families. I am still looking for options if I leave I dont really want to give up on my marriage as I love my husband alot and he is great with our son but if his parents are not going to back off then I cannot take it and I dont think its fair his mother winning all the time because it means my hubby will never have a normal life or relationship unless mummy allows it which by looking at my situation it is never going to happen any suggestions on how to confront the inlaws at my family conference I feel I need to rig up as a one last fight to see what changes if that does not improve the situation I am going to leave I also do not know how to get it thru my hubbys skull that he needs to make a choice what he wants and stand by that choice so that if he chooses his family over the one he has created then it makes my descsion more final, thanks again for support I am feeling alot more cheered up

 

[witzend]

Where is "Is unaware that I have been married to her son for the last 25 years"?

 

[Hound dog]

I'm not sure how it works there hon, but a mother simply leaving a marriage with her children in tow is not considered kidnapping in any sense of the word. But I would get that clear with the lawyer........and have custody hearing set up asap if you choose to leave so that it's awarded to you right away. In nearly all places the mother has to be proven unfit, and honestly that is pretty hard to do usually even if the mother isn't really all that grand.

I don't see how a sit down group meeting with inlaws are going to help. His mother is determined to be in control and in her eyes you're a threat to that control, no matter what you say or do you're not going to win her over. (I know I have one for a mom) And as someone else said, you can't be controlled unless you allow it. So guessing hubby is unwilling to buck mom period. Hence the problem. I suppose you could discuss with him his reasons for this........but usually in well to do families it comes down to money. Could be anything from mum nixes his allowance (if he has one) to mum writes him out of the will or whatever.

Regardless, hubby sounds like he has some growing up to do still. That doesn't make him a bad person.......just makes him immature, while you've gone on past him. It happens. And it does tend to break up relationships when it does.

I'd say it boils down to this is between you and hubby not you and inlaws. Your married to him. He is supposed to love you and all that goes with it. You may have to face the fact that he can't/won't cut the apron strings with his parents. Then decide if you can live that way or not.

Stinks big time.

(((hugs)))

 

[DammitJanet]

Why does it have to be a fight? Obviously both you and your mother in law love your husband very much. Its just a different kind of love. Sometimes an older mother may have more experience than a new mom. You as a new mom want to be the main caretaker to your infant son. That can be tricky when the two of you live in such close proximity to each other. Grandma wants to step in and show you the right way to do everything...her way. I understand that can be difficult.

The thing is you have to remember that she loves all of you I am presuming. Even if she is only tolerating you for the sake of her son but adores her son and her grandson, its up to you and your husband to keep the peace in the family so your kids have as much love as they can have. Kids need that. You dont have to do it her way all the time, just smile and nod and let her do her thing when she is around. Its not going to kill the baby. She certainly raised her son into a fine man because you loved him enough to marry him.

I would not make any rash decisions when you have a baby that is only 5 months old. Im betting you are still dealing with post natal hormones running rampant. I think you also said you are living in either their home or one of their houses they own. Maybe once you move out on your own it will get better with a bit of distance.