Parents refuse to be around my husband...

[WNC Gal]

I am so sad today. I just had surgery this morning (outpatient exploratory lap for potential cancer - which thankfully it is not). On the way out of the hospital, my husband had one of his semi-typical "hissy fits" about something which angered my parents, and they are now leaving town and refusing to see him. It is especially hard because they live out of state - we only see them 2-3 times per year. They JUST flew in yesterday and were staying with us to help me out during the surgery. My husband is a loving and responsible person 95% of the time, but once in a while he throws a "tantrum" under stress. The last time my parents visited, they spent an entire week helping me re-do our kitchen which was something my husband had agreed to in advance. He came home from work and threw a "fit" about the colors that he did not like and was very disrespectful to my parents, slamming doors and stomping around for several nights in a row. Amazingly they seemed to work it all out and he now loves the kitchen.

So, today as I was checking out of the hospital, we were going to give my parents a ride to their car which was parked very far away, and we had a little awkwardness with them getting into the backseat as there were kid car seats, etc. in the way - my husband for some reason, just blew a gasket, leaped of the car and was making a scene in front of the hospital. My parents backed off and said they would walk to their car and left. Now they have left our house and checked into a hotel and are refusing to come over if he's there.

Yikes. I have felt for some time that we probably could use some marital counseling as he does have some emotional issues at times. He and our difficult child (who is not at home at present) both seem to have similar temperaments when it comes to handling stressors in a reasonable manner and not lashing out at others. He and I had a LONG heart to heart today and I tried to explain as diplomatically as I could that he might really benefit from some counseling/skills training in coping with these emotional bursts. To him, it's just the way he does things, but from my slightly more objective perspective, it is not normal to have a very minor verbal disagreements digress rapidly into him saying extreme things like, "Oh I know I'm just a worthless piece of ...." "I should just leave and you'd all be better off,", etc. This forces me into recon mode where I am trying to calm him down and overlooking the initial issue.

I cannot fault my parents for feeling like they just don't want to be around him if he might be unpleasant, but it really hurts that they are leaving before they've even had a chance to visit difficult child who has been away at hospitals, PRTFs, etc since last May. They haven't seen her since last April.

But I am also quite alarmed that my husband couldn't keep his anger in check while transporting his wife who JUST had surgery and was in pain. While I'm supposedly resting post-surgery, he was stomping around with more of the "I'm so worthless" stuff and actually said he would shoot himself if he had a gun - I really don't believe he is serious - but it is pretty manipulative to be pulling that out. I calmed him down a bit, but when I mom called from the hotel to say that they were definitely flying out and wanting to know where to leave our car, he was so mad. He was going to walk over to their hotel (2 miles away) and take our car back to leave them there.

Aaahhhhh. So for the past hour, I've been calming him down and talking about the positive skills he could learn from counseling. And showing him notes on emotional lability from the DBT conference that I just went to last week. He does want the help, but then he spent the next hour harping about my "bad habits" that I need to change if he's going to change. (Things like getting up from dinner table to get one more thing we need..., chronically late for stuff - isn't just about everybody, ha ha).

Well, thanks for listening - it helps to just get my feelings out..

 

[Star*]

My parents did everything in the world to help me and my x. He was a horses patootie in the best sense of the word.

Rare occasion that they ever visited us - my x was SURE to be a little boy, having tantrums, and having to show my folks WHO was the real boss of the house.

My parents loaned him money to bail him out of us loosing our apartment - never paid it back, they sent money for his bail to get him out of jail. He was abusive and controlling and the last time my Dad came we took pictures - after that - my x refused to allow me to go there and them to come here. My father died, and in a fit of rage one evening x took a razor blade and sliced my families pictures into tiny slivers that can't be repaired.

When I was IN my marriage it didn't seem like he was "that" bad - I mean I made excuses for him like you are doing for your husband too. And once out of that marriage and looking back - I think to myself - NEVER AGAIN. You disrespect my parents, you do the same to me. He was a controlling jerk who tried to get his way through intimidation and bullying - and he got it - my parents refused to come and see me again.

in my humble opinion - he's controlling and that is abusive. You should be able to have your parents there to help you. If he feels threatened by that - he does need help. I think your parents were wise to leave. Nothing is accomplished by trying to come between a man and a woman - you're married. But if he treats your family that way - you probably are so close to the situation you don't see that he's doing it to you too. If you can live with it - do so. But it sounds like your parents aren't coming back for a second helping of adult male temper-tantrum.

You can't fix him with love - you can't bargain your way into him behaving around your parents. He IS who he is - either he's going to facilitate change and do something about his temper (which you already admit he's passed on to his son) or things are going to get worse.

Maybe not the answer you're looking for - but if you find yourself trying to explain away his shortcomings and give him excuses for WHY he behaved like he did - He's worried about you, it was hot, he had a bad day at work, he has deadlines, he has not had lunch, he's financially strapped, he'll make it up to my parents by (_whatever) you are making excuses.

Sorry to hear you had surgery but DELIGHTED to hear you are cancer free.
Hugs
Star

 

[WNC Gal]

Wow - Star - you have offered me some amazing insight and perspective!!! I really need to take all of this into account and move forward. You are absolutely right that I am putting up with a lot - if you remember any of my posts from the fall, you'll recall that he really put me through the wringer with a potential blackmail scheme from one of his "friends" about something he had done. Also lately I have been "imagining" I see signs that he may be cheating on me, but there has never been the right time to confront these issues. His dad has been dying, or he was going in for a big test, or one of us was going out of town, etc.

I think my #1 priority is to get some counseling for me just to at least get support to make sure I'm making decisions from the right frame of mind. And then move forward to see if he is truly willing and able to change to save what has been a largely wonderful 20 year relationship.

Hugs!

 

[Star*]

WNC,

Getting counseling for yourself is the first step towards many steps of being the best person you can be. 11 years later I am still amazing myself with the fact that I allowed my horrible, abusive marriage to go on for 13 years. I can't believe I allowed myself to be used like I did. I can't believe it wasn't worth it to him to change, but after going through therapy I can understand why other things were so much MORE important to him, why I couldn't ever fix him or us and eventually leave him and never return. Ever. Not even a phone call.

Today I have a great relationship with a wonderful, caring man who my son adopted and calls Dad. I think some days if it were not for my fiance showing my son how a man SHOULD treat a woman and how a man SHOULD treat animals and how a man SHOULD go about life - my son would be a lot worse than he is.

My kid had enough genetic strikes against him for me not to be the best Mom I could be. And I'm still learning and improving.

-I remember you from the fall - I don't think my advice was much different then than it is now. I started therapy when i was married but had to lie about going - which I guess you would have to understand that I never lied to my husband despite anything he did - except for going to counseling - because at that point I didn't care about lying, I just wanted to figure out how to either fix him or get away. I ended up finding out I can only fix me - and I had a lot of problems to put up with someone like him. I finally formulated my ultimatums of WE get counseling or it's over and stuck to my guns. I was nearly killed for that - but had also learned what to say and what to do to get out for good - and escaped with my life. Literally.

I'm glad you came back for support - there are a lot of other points of view and women, and men here who have been in abusive situations and placated it down to - Oh it's just how he is - and are NOW divorced and a lot happier for it. They are actually LIVING their lives - not existing.

Ask yourself this - HOW long do you expect to live? =-guess 85. How old are you now? 43.....so you've lived MORE than 1/2 your life. So you maybe have 37 years left and of that the last 10 may not afford you the best mobility and health - so now it's 27 years.....Ask yourself HOW do I want to spend the next 27 years of my life - look at your life now - and move forward making plans and revisions starting TODAY.

Hugs

 

[flutterbee]

I see your difficult child has borderline traits. I'd say husband does, too.

So relate to that emotional manipulation. I'm pretty sure my ex was either Borderline (BPD) or ASDP and he'd pull that ****...he's going to leave. So, I told him to go. Another time he had lung cancer. Asked for proof. He's worthless, we'd be better off, yada, yada, yada.

I quit playing into his hand. I was *not* going to be manipulated. If he threatened to leave, he knew where the door was (and I was pregnant and unemployed at the time). I was NOT going to be treated that way. They can only manipulate you if you let him.

Instead of taking care of yourself after your medical procedure, you've spent the day calming your husband. That's wrong. Sounds like he doesn't like having the spotlight off him.

Just my two cents.

 

[trinityroyal]

But I am also quite alarmed that my husband couldn't keep his anger in check while transporting his wife who JUST had surgery and was in pain. While I'm supposedly resting post-surgery, he was stomping around with more of the "I'm so worthless" stuff and actually said he would shoot himself if he had a gun - I really don't believe he is serious - but it is pretty manipulative to be pulling that out. I calmed him down a bit, but when I mom called from the hotel to say that they were definitely flying out and wanting to know where to leave our car, he was so mad. He was going to walk over to their hotel (2 miles away) and take our car back to leave them there.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}WNC,

As others have already said, your husband's behaviour is manipulative, and you shouldn't put up with any of it.

I have been there done that. Years ago when I was still with my ex-H, I had to have surgery to remove 2 very large (thankfully non-cancerous) tumors from my abdomen. While I was in hospital recovering, ex-H pitched a hissy fit so bad that they had to ask him to leave the hospital. A few years later when my favourite uncle had just died and we flew down to NY for his funeral, same thing. He pitched a fit and behaved terribly.

The pattern was that, every time something very serious was going on in my life and people were paying attention to me, he had to pitch a fit to try and get my undivided attention.

My ex is an immature manipulative cruel and abusive bully.

You don't have to deal with this. I agree that therapy for yourself is a good idea, to help you decide what is best for you and then take the steps you need to reach your goal.

Take care of yourself.

Trinity

 

[TerryJ2]

Wow, I didn't realize until I read your response to Star that this husband is one and the same person who did the blackmail stuff.
You are way more patient than I am. I'd dispense with-the counseling and just move on with-my life. His behavior, particularly in view of your surgery, is absolutely inexcusable.
When he pulls the "I'm worthless" bit, you have to tell him to grow up, stay on topic and focus on your needs instead of his hurts.
A therapist can help you with-that, and literally script you if need be.
I am so sorry.
Major, major hugs. And best of luck with-your health.

 

[donna723]

I remember you too from when you were posting before. I'm another one that's been there/done that - for twenty years. The others have given you some wonderful advice, and said it better than I ever could. Your D(?)H sounds so much like my ex! Your husband is abusive and manipulative and don't believe for one minute that he "loses control" of his temper ... and that therefore he's not responsible for his rages! He's in perfect control of what he's doing! He wouldn't do it in front of a police officer, would he? He chooses exactly where and when to unload his rage and who to do it in front of! They use the rage, bullying, threatening and intimidation to get what they want and not have to answer for it! Have you ever heard the line, "You (or they) made me mad, so therefore you deserve exactly what you got!" - which makes it all your fault! You made him react that way! Does that sound familiar?

The "attention grabbing" behavior also sounds very, very familiar. The whole twenty years we were married, HE had to be the constant center of attention! I could never be sick because somehow HE would always manage to be sicker than I was! Kept HIM constantly on the receiving end! If I had a bad sinus headache, HE would announce that he thought he was getting pneumonia! If I had the flu, HE would decide that his blood pressure was up and head for the emergency room!

And yes, he also pulled this stunt at a funeral! Years ago his brother in law's younger brother committed suicide at age 21. Unbelievably sad! Of course, the family was devastated. He seemed to be handling it fine before the funeral and during the service. After the service when we were leaving the funeral home for the cemetery, he carried on so publicly and inconsolably that the boy's father actually stopped what he was doing and tried to comfort HIM! It was unbelievable and I have never been so humiliated in my entire life!

The thought of going it on your own is very frightening, but I can tell you this much. I've been around a long time and I've known a lot of women who were in the same position and ended up divorced. And I've NEVER heard of even one of them who regreted leaving the marriage and who wasn't ten times happier on their own! I always compared it to "being chained to a loose cannon". Whatever bizarre directions he decides to head off in, there you are being drug along with him! I can honestly say that the twelve years since I've been divorced from him have been the happiest years of my life! And seeing how much happier I have been and my children have been, my only regret is that I didn't do it years sooner!

I would also suggest you get counseling for yourself, and that you also speak to someone in a domestic violence group. This man has been abusing you verbally and emotionally for years and it takes it's toll. You will be astounded at how your viewpoint will change when you talk to them, and how much clearer it will all become to you!

 

[flutterbee]

Oh gosh, Donna, you reminded me of a funny story. Ex was always having to go to the ER for migraines. It was always when I wasn't happy with him. Well, he pulled another one of these 'migraines' and I wouldn't drive him to the hospital. easy child was about 4 and difficult child was around a year old. I wasn't loading up the kids late at night because he was flaking out. He never let me go back to the exam room with him. Interesting, huh?

So, he's lying on the couch and I'm sitting on the floor with difficult child in my lap quietly listening to the radio. All of a sudden, he half sits up, throws his arms out and shouts, 'I can't see! I can't see!' I look over at him, look back, reach over and turn up the stereo.

What an idiot. *snort* That one was classic. It was way better than the 'lung cancer'.

 

[donna723]

Heather, that's funny! I wonder what he would have done during his "blindness attack" if you'd picked up something heavy and acted like you were going to lob it at his head! Wanna bet that he would have ducked?

Sometimes, if nobody had been paying attention to him for a while, my ex would get this expression on his face ...... clutch his chest, and do a perfect impression of Fred Sanford "having the big one" on Sanford & Son! The only thing he didn't do was to holler, "I'm comin', Elizabeth!"

He was (is) an alcoholic and also a devotee of whatever prescription drugs he could get, so he'd hit the emergency rooms. He'd had back surgery years before so he'd go in complaining of back pain and usually ended up with the drugs! The "back pain" also came in very handy when the lawn needed mowing!

 

[hearts and roses]

When I was married to exh I saw my family, I swear, I can count on one hand that amount of times we visited at OUR house. And when I saw my family at their homes, I was alone or with my girls.

It never failed, each and every time I had my family visiting, my exh would throw a hissy fit. One time he made a big to-do about making us this stupid pork chop dinner he had perfected for my parents (this was the last time my dad visited before he died, it was very important to me). Anyway, exh couldn't figure out where I "hid" the measuring cup and just threw a fit. My mother's mouth was open, just hanging open, and I could see that my dad just wanted to deck him. I was so embarrassed. Another time my sister and her H and kids came to visit for Thanksgiving. They arrived Wednesday night and we're waiting and waiting, no exh. Finally he calls me from the police station - he was arrested outside the mall for doing cocaine. When he came home, and I was called him on his crappy behavior, he turned it around and threw a hissy fit. It made for a VERY uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinner and my sister's family left early (they were supposed to spend another night).

It was shortly thereafter that I returned to counseling and finally made my plans to leave him. My counselor said that the was either dealing with severe anxiety or *possibly* BiPolar (BP), which Dr's didn't really talk about much back then. I didn't care at that point what it was.

Even if 95% of the time he's awesome (which according to your posts, it's more like 60%), that other percentage does not make up for the fact that your parents do not feel comfortable visiting and helping their daughter. It is terrible, no matter what his problem is, to alienate your family like that. Sending hugs - So sorry you had to go through that and I'm so happy that you're cancer free!!!

 

[TerryJ2]

OMG, Donna, you are too much! ROFL!!!!!!

 

[gcvmom]

There's a really good book I recommend reading -- "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. Your husband's manipulations and tantrums are all forms of verbal abuse. And abuse is abuse. He's just getting away with it because he's not physically hitting you. The book gives great examples of how to stop the abuser in their tracks with things you can say or do (like not taking the bait).

My husband was notorious for his hissy fits during stressful times and even times when you wouldn't think it was stressful, but in his mind something was causing him to feel anxious -- usually it had to do with his performance or how others perceived him.

Anyway, long story short, he started Lamictal in December for seizures (and it's also used as a mood stabilizer) and he magically became a much calmer, more rational, less reactive man who is generally happier and less obsessive in his daily life. So putting 2 and 2 together, I figure he has a mood disorder and I've told him as much. I couldn't tell him that before -- he would have flipped out. But now I think he's seeing the truth in it.

If your husband will go for the therapy -- jump on it. I would recommend you go to your own therapy separately. It won't do the two of you any good to work on your issues as a couple until you get your personal issues ironed out first.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

[dreamer]

well, you could hang in there, like dummy me did....(I beieved dhs docs and lawyer when they told me they would have me arrested for leaving my "poor helpless" sick disabled veteran.....

So here I am all these years later-- um, when my mom was dying and we reunited so I could provide her deathbed care- my husband went off sick to va hospital----did not even tell me our son poked out his eye. Does not remember the 2 9 hour surgeries at a hospital 5 hours away my son had, usually does not remember my son lost vision.
WHen I was very ill and a quadriplegic for a few years due to a rheumatic illness, he went to his PTSD group and whined I was too sick to take care of him.
yesterday I was at MY doctor and am now awaiting results of liver involvement rom my automimmune disorder and eye involvement......so what does my lovely husband do?
First he parked the car in middle of driveway this morning, so easy child could not get in drive, so she comes in PMSing, mad cuz she wound up walking in knee deep mud cuz of dad. (nevermind she uses dads car)
So she yells at him, so he in his wisdom tantrums, gets in MY car and punches it- without looking- into traffic, sends a car going by up into a yard so as not to hit my car. Then he backs out the other car and almost does the same thing, plus drives it in the mud in front of house. SO now we have where easy child was stuck in mud on one side, deep ruts and now his deep ruts in front of house. Nice. Lovely.
and neighbors now also have matching nice deep ruts from the car that was coming wanting to avoid hitting my car. OK, a few mins later-- dog barks to come in. I was up to elbows in raw hamburger, makeing meatloaf for dinner. I reach for a towel, but husband stomps in..(Usually he ignores any and all going on around here, wrapped up in his videogames) and lets dog in, cuz "that infernal barking is driving me nuts" Um dog had only barked one woof. and I WAS letting him in. SO dog sniffs at husband, prolly wondering why husband let him in? husband drops a hot ash (by accident) on dogs head. WTF? so husband begins holleing the dog knocked hot ash onto his own head, husband claims he got it....5 mins later poor dog comes to me shaking his head..yup- he still has burning ash on his head. WTF?
Then son was at a friends, a rare treat, but he calls while my hands are still in meat..needs a ride hme NOW, and he sounds strange, so I worry something maybe happened?
I go to door, and husband gets mad and throws his PS controller across the room at the TV. Why? becuz I had the nerve to walk in his vicinity and it distracted him from his game.

A few mins ago I was cleaning up dinner.....but husband, he does not always come eat when told dinner is ready- so I peeked around the corner to ask him, and yikes if he didn't again go into a tantrum.

Well heck with THAT.
It finally dawned on me. If anyone is sick, my husband is sicker. If anyone is hurt, my husband is hurt worse. husband will top your best always......his job was The Most Demanding.....his time in Nam was worse than anyone elses.....his childhood was awful. (no, not really, not at all) If it is your birthday? he will land in ER or psychiatric unit or something.anything.becuz NOONE else can be the focus. Ever.
He went to my best friends funeral.and tried to tell the husband that he knew what it was like cuz, um...his parents were gone. Um dude? husband? You are almost 60 yrs old...thats a LOT different than being 30 and haveing 2 small kids and loseing your WIFE.
He refused to go to my moms funeral.

My mother gave up on me and my husband YEARS ago, and dummy me stayed with husband. (aactually there are a LOT of dumb reasons why I did) My children got deprived of grandparents, aunts and uncles........becuz I stayed with a jerk.
Sure, I can relate all his mental and physical reasons......all his "excuses" everything. But in the end? what I wound up with? so NOT worth it. Gave up everything cuz of him, and keeping him all I have is some guy who has to have tantrums simply becuz MY health is in the toilet? Nice. Does he help with ANYTHING? nope. Oh once upon a time, many many years ago he was a neat guy......but- he has NOT been a companion, a friend, a lover, a contributor to anything chore related, financial or anything else in 15 years. Mostly he just chased away anyone else who might have ever helped me with anything. Ah love is blind and I did not see clearly even when my mom and siblings backed out.

Now when one of my kids is seeing someone who acts like that- I tell my kids straight out- do you think it is easy fun or nice to be your parent and watch you let some jerk treat you bad? My family hated subjecting themselves to my husband, BUT I am sure they also hated watching ME subject MYSELF to being treated so bad. I am also pretty sure they also wondered WHY I chose to let them go away and continue to stay with a jerk who would cause them to stay away.

I can tell you with absolute certainty- you do NOT want to be SERIOUSLY ill and be with someone like THAT. Oh trust me. I did lay here, hungry, thirsty, soiled.....sometimes for a few DAYS......becuz my husband simply HAD to be "sicker". and becuz my husband was here....noone else WOULD come.

NOT a "nice" place to be, I can definetly say that with first hand knowledge.

 

[Abbey]

Are you sure you're not married to my husband? I think he's a polygamist.

been there done that more times than I can count.

Abbey

 

[WNC Gal]

Thanks for all of your words of support. I am awaiting a call to schedule time with a therapist for ME, and I have referred my husband to a therapist and he is calling them to get started with therapy.

This is so challenging for me - mostly because I'm accustomed to being successful at everything I do and being able to "fix" everything. I realize I have been letting little issues go which has led to bigger and bigger issues which have all been sliding by because I have not been willing to take the drastic measures required to stop this cycle.

My husband sent my parents a long e-mail - apologetic, but I also found it a bit alarming in that he basically chalks it all up to the "tremendous stress" he was under while caring for our two non-difficult child kids while I was out of town for business for 10 days. Yikes - didn't know it was so hard to drive kids around after work and prepare dinner!! While I was gone, he called me frequently to tell me all of the hard work he was doing and sometimes even kept me on the phone so I could hear him giving the kids instructions for chores, homework, etc. That was one of the first "a-ha" moments when I realized this was out of hand.

In his e-mail to my parents, there were several veiled threats:
"Believe me, it will be worse if we don't patch this up. "
"If you want to start a life time of "fighting" this will only hurt the kids and is pointless."

I'm having a challenging time to figure out exactly what to do right this second - but I have some semblance of a game plan: I ordered the Verbally Abusive Relationship book, I'm getting an appointment for therapy, husband is (hopefully) getting an appointment for therapy. And I'm basically refusing to discuss the whole situation with him as he is turning my parents into the "bad guys" for leaving. It's a little shaky - yesterday he sat next to me with the kids just a few feet away and whispered in my ear, "Do you want me to just pack a bag and LEAVE???". Of course, he knew my knee jerk reaction would be, oh my gosh - don't do that! I don't think that is actually required at this point, but if we can have a time out from discussions until we are both with therapists, that would be good.

The best case scenario is that he will use his very high level of intelligence to help himself get better and hopefully salvage our 18 year marriage. The worst case scenario - well, I'd have to leave. But I'd rather not go there unless absolutely necessary.

Thanks for listening!

 

[flutterbee]

It's a little shaky - yesterday he sat next to me with the kids just a few feet away and whispered in my ear, "Do you want me to just pack a bag and LEAVE???".

This set my radar off. He's setting you up to be the 'bad' guy by making him leave.

What you typed yesterday made me think of immature, insecure manipulation. What you posted today sounds more like open hostility...with the above comment and the (not so) veiled threats to your parents.

I know the wanting to fix things. I stayed as long as I did in my first marriage because I didn't want to fail. It wasn't my failure. It took me a while to figure that out. I can only be responsible for my own actions, not someone else's. You can't 'fix' someone else. They have to do that.

Take care of you.

 

[trinityroyal]

My husband sent my parents a long e-mail - apologetic, but I also found it a bit alarming in that he basically chalks it all up to the "tremendous stress" he was under while caring for our two non-difficult child kids while I was out of town for business for 10 days.

In his e-mail to my parents, there were several veiled threats:
"Believe me, it will be worse if we don't patch this up. "
"If you want to start a life time of "fighting" this will only hurt the kids and is pointless."

WNC, these are big red flags for me. I agree with Heather that there is open hostility here, and a large dose of manipulation.

My exH used to say things like that,
"I'm really sorry that I blew up, but you made me so angry I just couldn't control myself."
OR
"With all the studying I had to do, I was under so much pressure and you asking me to help around the house just took me to the breaking point"

Notice the pattern? In all cases, he was apologizing but it was still my fault. Then family and friends became "bad influences", "not the right sort of people" or whatever. He was trying to isolate me from my support network.
I tried the therapy road with him, tried to fix it, make everything better. Gave it my best shot. The first time he raised a fist to me, I decked him, packed my bag and left. We did try to patch it up one more time, but I knew it was over.

Please do whatever is the right choice for you. I agree that the steps you're taking, the books etc. will all help you to figure that out, but please be careful and keep your eyes open. It sounds like the situation is escalating. Whether your H is depressed or not, it's no excuse to treat you the way he's been treating you.

Trinity

 

[Star*]

Get to counseling -
Get some professional insight on what you are worth - because currently you don't think you are worth much.
Get your plan formulated while you still remain in the house since he is not physically abusive,
Get your ducks in a row, get your own bank account started, get some credit cards in your name only -savings account,
Get your important papers copied like birth certificates, insurance cards, medicaid, social security cards - and put in a secure place.
Get your attorney lined up through a womens domestic violence shelter

AND GET THE H OUT OF THERE -

That 'veiled threat?" - very scary -

Also remember to delete any emails and traces on line of coming here - if this is a safe haven for you- it should be.

I want to tell you something -

My x beat and tortured me for years. He put me in ICU 3 times, he tried to kill me. He made me work 3 jobs, and would come to where I worked and get my paychecks, He was in charge of all the finances, and tax refunds he cashed forging my name. I dare not say a thing. When he started to abuse our son - I would step in between him and then 2 1/2 year old son. I got it worse. Eventually he'd get around me and was physically abusing my son. He tricked me into sending my son away and I couldn't do a think - kidnapping wasn't kidnapping because he was legally his parent. My son was sold for crack cocaine at 5 years old, he was molested there and by my x - and my x never did a day in jail - we suspect he traded drug information for a dismissal. I hadn't seen or heard from him in years - and was in hiding until someone we lived with gave information on where we were. My xmil found us, swore she wouldn't give the phone # to her son -pulled out of my driveway - and before she could have EVEN gotten on the highway - the phone rang in my house and it was him!!!! And he left a message that said (and I quote)

"I think you should grow up a little Star - you took my son, you wrecked my life, and you should pay for that, but I'm willing to let by gones be by gones . It's all water under the bridge to me now.

YOURS is a less severe form of that.

in my humble opinion

 

[TerryJ2]

Wow, WNC and Star ... I'd be out in a flash. The YMCA is looking pretty good ...

That threat, WNC, is inescusable. Scary. And he's showing his true colors.
I am so glad you're getting therapy. Tell the therapist just what you told us.

{{hugs}}