Hello girls,
Yesterday, I had an appointment at hospital for my ADHD stuff. It does not sound something unusual except that it is another hospital.
I did decide about this move because with the previous hospital and the psychiatrist I had, it was such a mess that I ever moved or died. Literally. There was no other alternative.
I kept quiet about it because well, as strange as it seemed, I felt and sometimes feel so ashamed about what happened with my previous psychiatrist that I shared it only with my mom and my GP, now my therapist and a good friend. It was hard, I didn't expect to find myself in such a mess, along with the mess for my law change. Both are exhausting, but the mess with my psychiatrist was and is still more exhausting than the fight to make a law change (an administrative fight to make a law change exhausts me less than having to fight for my basic needs to be met. As crazy as it seems).
Like if I had to deserve the medical care I need, and boy, I hate it !!
So the doctor was quite suspicious at the beginning, even he was a lot on the defensive. He didn't understand why did I go to a sleep center whereas I was in the only specialized hospital for adults with ADHD around. He felt very ill at ease.
It was like a job interview, and it was hard to defend my position.
He asked me why did I left her. I explained her about the sheltered work she thought about and already suggested one year ago, to my mom and I. Mom, of course, could not believe it. He asked me what did I fear about shelter work. I replied that it was not the word itself, but it was that she was telling me as if I were punished for having done something "faulty", and that my wish is studying law. He answered that the psychiatrist may had fear the failure about professional integration. My reply was how can we think about a failure without even trying, and that "how can we know what will happen within three years ?".
Then, I explained her categorical refusal about updating my medical file (I asked it for an administrative medical exam). He asked me if I screamed to her. I replied that I contented myself to ask her why didn't she update it, and her answer was that it has no interest to update it. I concluded this reply by informing him that my jaw was wide open when I heard that (honestly, I could not believe such an answer from a doctor).
At the end, he suggested me to see another practitioner in the hospital I was. I replied him that it was already done, and the previous one asked me to consciously make a false declaration in my driving licence file about my health. I refused because I knew that I could only be in trouble (it's a felony charge), and that the practitioner treated me as a liar in front of me and mom. So I could not continue with him, and I don't accept to be asked something like that.
He asked me if he could put himself in contact with my previous psychiatrist, my bottom line was everything you want but not her.
I concluded all the stuff with the psychiatrist telling me that "deafness has no impact on socializing". I added that I didn't study medicine at all and I'm sorry for it, but even the most humble citizen knows that deafness has an impact on socializing, so a medical doctor like her should even know more, I couldn't understand why did she say something like what she did say.
Then, he made a research about a legal stuff for the Ritalin prescription. I could notice that the browser was slow because it was too old (they had never updated their computer software).
He told me that my previous psychiatrist talked to me the way she did because she wanted inconsciously to put a distance with me, because she felt that I wanted to take her place. Because the psychiatrist felt in concurrence with me.
"Maybe, but I call it judgment, and I don't go to a doctor to be judged". I can hear this position, but I don't accept to be judged whereas I go for medical care.
I could also tell him that if we didn't need a hospital prescription, GP would had done as well and even better than the psychiatrist I had.
He asked me as a bonus question why I was on the Narcolepsy Day Awareness in the hospital. I replied that it was because I tried to find a solution for myself, because since my psychiatrist is not confident with me and I am not confident with her, we go nowhere.
His conclusion is that shelter work is not for me (my intuition already knew it, but never mind), and that he will follow me on occupational medicine to help me go back to study. He may also be able to help me find a job during or after my studies.
He also concluded that shelter work is not for me because of normal, maybe above normal intelligence (no idea on what I have to think about, but never mind).
He asked me if I was always with eyes everywhere, I was astonished on such a question. I replied on a neutral tone that yes, I was always like that, even if inside myself, my jaw was wide open.
He also asked me if I was not exhausted to have eyes everywhere like that. Again, neutrally toned yes, but inside myself, my jaw was wide open.
So, this physician will follow me in occupational medicine to help me with studies and finding the right job for me. I had to manage it by myself without even being able to rely on my psychiatrist (she was not kosher at all, that lady), so now, this man will help me.
He is happy that methylphenidate works on me, happy that I could find solutions for part of my problems, and that I can be so aware on the whole stuff.
And for the Ritalin prescription, he sends me to another physician in the same yard (this physician does not feel at ease with managing ADHD and fears about legal stuff around Ritalin).
I hope it will work with the other physician, I am very cautiously optimistic.
And I permit myself to be exhausted after that. This is not a sprint, but a marathon, and I should not prove that I deserve medical care when I need them.
Yesterday, I had an appointment at hospital for my ADHD stuff. It does not sound something unusual except that it is another hospital.
I did decide about this move because with the previous hospital and the psychiatrist I had, it was such a mess that I ever moved or died. Literally. There was no other alternative.
I kept quiet about it because well, as strange as it seemed, I felt and sometimes feel so ashamed about what happened with my previous psychiatrist that I shared it only with my mom and my GP, now my therapist and a good friend. It was hard, I didn't expect to find myself in such a mess, along with the mess for my law change. Both are exhausting, but the mess with my psychiatrist was and is still more exhausting than the fight to make a law change (an administrative fight to make a law change exhausts me less than having to fight for my basic needs to be met. As crazy as it seems).
Like if I had to deserve the medical care I need, and boy, I hate it !!
So the doctor was quite suspicious at the beginning, even he was a lot on the defensive. He didn't understand why did I go to a sleep center whereas I was in the only specialized hospital for adults with ADHD around. He felt very ill at ease.
It was like a job interview, and it was hard to defend my position.
He asked me why did I left her. I explained her about the sheltered work she thought about and already suggested one year ago, to my mom and I. Mom, of course, could not believe it. He asked me what did I fear about shelter work. I replied that it was not the word itself, but it was that she was telling me as if I were punished for having done something "faulty", and that my wish is studying law. He answered that the psychiatrist may had fear the failure about professional integration. My reply was how can we think about a failure without even trying, and that "how can we know what will happen within three years ?".
Then, I explained her categorical refusal about updating my medical file (I asked it for an administrative medical exam). He asked me if I screamed to her. I replied that I contented myself to ask her why didn't she update it, and her answer was that it has no interest to update it. I concluded this reply by informing him that my jaw was wide open when I heard that (honestly, I could not believe such an answer from a doctor).
At the end, he suggested me to see another practitioner in the hospital I was. I replied him that it was already done, and the previous one asked me to consciously make a false declaration in my driving licence file about my health. I refused because I knew that I could only be in trouble (it's a felony charge), and that the practitioner treated me as a liar in front of me and mom. So I could not continue with him, and I don't accept to be asked something like that.
He asked me if he could put himself in contact with my previous psychiatrist, my bottom line was everything you want but not her.
I concluded all the stuff with the psychiatrist telling me that "deafness has no impact on socializing". I added that I didn't study medicine at all and I'm sorry for it, but even the most humble citizen knows that deafness has an impact on socializing, so a medical doctor like her should even know more, I couldn't understand why did she say something like what she did say.
Then, he made a research about a legal stuff for the Ritalin prescription. I could notice that the browser was slow because it was too old (they had never updated their computer software).
He told me that my previous psychiatrist talked to me the way she did because she wanted inconsciously to put a distance with me, because she felt that I wanted to take her place. Because the psychiatrist felt in concurrence with me.
"Maybe, but I call it judgment, and I don't go to a doctor to be judged". I can hear this position, but I don't accept to be judged whereas I go for medical care.
I could also tell him that if we didn't need a hospital prescription, GP would had done as well and even better than the psychiatrist I had.
He asked me as a bonus question why I was on the Narcolepsy Day Awareness in the hospital. I replied that it was because I tried to find a solution for myself, because since my psychiatrist is not confident with me and I am not confident with her, we go nowhere.
His conclusion is that shelter work is not for me (my intuition already knew it, but never mind), and that he will follow me on occupational medicine to help me go back to study. He may also be able to help me find a job during or after my studies.
He also concluded that shelter work is not for me because of normal, maybe above normal intelligence (no idea on what I have to think about, but never mind).
He asked me if I was always with eyes everywhere, I was astonished on such a question. I replied on a neutral tone that yes, I was always like that, even if inside myself, my jaw was wide open.
He also asked me if I was not exhausted to have eyes everywhere like that. Again, neutrally toned yes, but inside myself, my jaw was wide open.
So, this physician will follow me in occupational medicine to help me with studies and finding the right job for me. I had to manage it by myself without even being able to rely on my psychiatrist (she was not kosher at all, that lady), so now, this man will help me.
He is happy that methylphenidate works on me, happy that I could find solutions for part of my problems, and that I can be so aware on the whole stuff.
And for the Ritalin prescription, he sends me to another physician in the same yard (this physician does not feel at ease with managing ADHD and fears about legal stuff around Ritalin).
I hope it will work with the other physician, I am very cautiously optimistic.
And I permit myself to be exhausted after that. This is not a sprint, but a marathon, and I should not prove that I deserve medical care when I need them.
