difficult child is taxing every last ounce of my patience. I feel like he has beaten me at some twisted attention seeking game because all day I feel like I am monitoring him like a high end personal assitant to make sure he is feeling well and coping. In spite of assurances that he feels fine it does not show outwardly. He is still the usual dark, miserable to be around person who I cannot stand to deal with. I'm just tired of being afraid of his rages and walking on egg shells. Then, to top it off I suspect that I should have been locking the cabinets again because food is "missing". I'm just so sick to death of the revolving door of his abuse and the way I always feel just plain awful anytime I am near him. Life always seems to be so peaceful without him but then I feel guilty because it is hard to let go of a dream of a normal family and I feel as if I have failed him. difficult child had his counseling appointment today. The guy he sees is very unorthodox but brilliant if you can get past his eccentric personality. The guy asked difficult child certain questions such as where he was as far as depression, then seperaetly about anxiety on a 1 to 10 scale. Both times he wrote down what he thought difficult child would say and showed me while I made my own secret guess. Both times I was waaay off base and the psychiatric had the EXACT number out of a 10 scale that difficult child chose. Then the hard part came, he explained some old school shrink who had a theory that everyone had a single person who just drove them crazy and in the docs life it was one of his kids. He asked difficult child who his person was. I was fully prepared to be who he picked because of how badly we get along. His actual answer was heartbreaking, he said it was husband/stepDad. I guess I understand the whole step parent/unruly teen dynamic but still. husband has been a better Dad to difficult child than he has ever known. husband has loved him and stepped up through some very hard times, payed enormous mountains of bills and tolerated abuse that non one should have to and in the end he never complained even once. husband's health has suffered greatly over the past two years of stress, I am positive difficult child has robbed him of a few years of life in the long run. I am just so disgusted with difficult child that he can be so petty and selfish and essentially use such a wonderful man as if he were trash. It's like he is throwing a 6 year olds tantrum because of his Mommy and birth Daddy issues...I don't know. I am just devastated by the fact that the best man I have ever known did so much for this spoiled rotten brat that he will never once recognize or understand how good he had it or how badly he poopooed on this innocent man who never had any obligation to deal with him from day one. I feel bad for husband because if he knew this would break his heart and he has already done more than he ever should have and put up with more than he ever deserved. I am offended on his behalf. difficult child has treated us like we are dirt for almost 4 years now. I'm just tired of trying to make it work. I just want to move on and lead a happy life which only seems possible without him. Anytime someone finds some peace around here he finds some way to destroy it. His selfish games and self sabotage are working. He has pushed both husband and I beyond our breaking points and it's getting to the point that we have to protect ourselves. Our own survival instincts are edging very close to us losing any feelings of love and just following through on legal obligations to a minor. difficult child is just a horrible person and after so many years of living under his anger we find the few moments of the sweet difficult child hardly worth the effort anymore. It's just our weakness and leverage to break our hearts all over again. If he were any other person to me besides my own child I would have long since cut my ties to him permanently and never looked back. I hate to say that because I take parenting very seriously. I'm also tired of feeling dead inside because he is in my life.