Albatross, hello! It is very nice to see you again after so long a time.
Thanks Cedar! I have been here and there for a few minutes at a time but really haven't had as much time to share as I would like.
"argue with reality and you suffer."
Yes, that is exactly how the second arrow quote jumped out at me. Blame, bitterness, anger, resentment...for me it's check, check, check, check. Add sorrow, self-destruction, depression, maybe throw in a couple of real tantrums, just to name just a few. And for what? Does it change one single thing about the situation?
e ability to let go and.........breathe.........to allow life.........
I was thinking about this today and was going to start a separate thread, something on the order of GOOD things we've learned from our difficult children and the ways they live their lives. Some of you might remember that difficult child took off on a cross-country bike trip with $40 in his pocket and no preparation. He did make it all the way across the country and back, though part of it was via bus tickets a friend purchased for him.
I am happy to report that he is back and safe now, not in our home but living nearby in a halfway house. For today he is sober and working and seems to have grown from his experience. He spent Christmas with us, and he and I had a chance to talk for a few minutes. At one point he said, "I know it's just talk, but I wanted to tell you that I'm very sorry for they way I treated you and Dad. You really gave me some breaks, especially the last time I moved back in, and I treated you very badly and I know that, and I'm really sorry." I thanked him and told him that meant a lot, and I told him his dad and I have always believed those sorts of things were the alcohol and drugs talking more than him.
I also told him that, drunk or sober (and of course I prefer sober), it takes an adventurous spirit to leave on a trip like that, with $40 in your pocket, and just put it out there to the universe and see what happens. I told him I really admire that about him. And it's true.
And I have learned from it.
As an example, in the last month I made a career change, from a field that had become boring and grueling to something I care about and enjoy. It was going to be a pay cut, but I decided to just put it out there and see what happens...and it turned out to NOT be a pay cut, because I enjoy it, and I guess that shows.
As another example, I think back on all the little and big ways I've tried to let go of difficult child on the surface, but underneath it all I was like a puppetmaster pulling hidden strings or making my decisions in anticipation of how I thought difficult child would likely respond. It wasn't letting go, it was just taking my game underground. Today I am seeing that so much of my orchestrating is so silly and futile, not only because I don't control anything about how he lives his life, but also because maybe he has a few things I can learn from him, if I stop spending every interaction trying to fix him.
So RE, what you said, about just letting go, just ALLOWING life to be what it is, really hits a chord with me today. Let's face it--I don't ALLOW anything! Life happens, with or without my permission!
I am sure that tomorrow I will find myself trying to be master of the universe again, but for today (haha, who am I kidding, for a few MINUTES today) I was able to just spend a little time talking to my son and just allowing our lives to happen.