Send an Easter card to son?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Mar 17, 2008.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He's my ultra-religious son who decided God is his family, not us. None of us have heard from in about a year and he doesn't return calls. I keep trying, but I don't really feel like it anymore. He knows I'm here and will accept him back into the family, but he doesn't care. This may sound callous, but I don't even CARE that much anymore. We've all adjusted to life without him, and I have a grandson due any day. My focus has been on my four kids who want to be around me and my grandson-to-be. This wayward son has never fought with anyone in the family, just decided to stay apart. He is 30 years old already, not a kid.
    Should I bother sending a card? WWYD?
  2. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    You know, it really is up to you. Do you feel in your heart like sending him an Easter card? Are you thinking you just SHOULD do it? Do you WANT to do it? Do you think it will make him return to the family? You need to think these questions over, and I think you'll have your answer.

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No, he won't return to the family. I've written him a few heartfelt letters with no response. No, I don't feel like doing it. It's really not in my heart. He has hurt me, his father and my daughter, whom he was really close to and he doesn't care. He read a book called "Boundaries" and decided that "It's YOUR responsibility how I make you feel. If I hurt you, it's really not my problem." Um, ok. I went through the hurt and grieving stage and am over it, and accepting that this child wont be part of the family. But I let him know the door is always open. So, really, I DON'T feel like it, but wondered if I'm a bad person and a bad mother if I don't. So there's the guilt there. I don't want to say "get back" at him, but I don't want him to think that I feel it's all right that he hurt everyone in the family either. I think I tried hard enough...I dunno. Maybe some of you get me. I'm not sure I get
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I would send the card. You don't have to write a note in it, just sign it and let it go at that. Obviously, I wouldn't expect anything from him, not even an acknowledgment that it was received.

    My reasoning is that one day he might again want to be part of the family. When that day comes, it will be easier for all if at least one side showed the courtesies they would extend to a family friend who has moved far away and, if it's making you feel guilty to not do it for whatever reason, there's no reason to not do it. You're not begging him to come back to the fold. You're simply wishing him well on a very religious holiday, which you know is important to him.
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I would think long and hard before sending the card.

    If you are sending it because you want to send it, and nothing more, go ahead.

    If you have expectations, or are hoping for something to come out of it, then I would not. My reason for saying this is that he did not respond to heartfelt letters that you sent. He is not going to suddenly feel like contacting you simply because you sent a card.

    If he wants to reach you, he knows where you are. Lots of hugs and prayers for your mommy heart.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    If in your heart it will bring you joy to send off an Easter card to him, then go for it. But if in your heart you are hoping it will spark something in him that will make him call or reach back to you in any way, then I would not do that to yourself. It's a trick.

    It's very difficult not to want to reach out to him at the special holidays. But if no response will only bring you more pain, perhaps you're better off not.
  7. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    MWM, I agree with Jo and BBK.

    If you are sending the card simply because you want to and for no other reason, the by all means do so. However, if you are hoping that this will spark a contact from your son, when even your heartfelt letters went without a response, then you are setting yourself up for further heartbreak.

    From the sounds of things, you feel more of an obligation than a wish to send him a card. I too would think very carefully.

    Hugs for your mommy heart, whatever you decide to do.

  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I know he won't contact us. That wouldn't be my reason at all. I don't even feel like it, but I want to do the right thing. At the same time, I don't want him to wrongly feel that he is effectively holding us hostage by withdrawing himself from the family. At this point in time, if he reached out to me, he'd have to leave it at that because his siblings would refuse to talk to him. I don't blame them.
    Still, should I even care what he thinks about us?
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Stupid question, but how do you not care? He's your son. He may have walked away from the family but that doesn't mean you've shut him out of your heart.

    As I said I would send the card if for no other reason than just to be able I did the right thing for me. If you feel guilty for not sending a card, then send it. He's not worth the guilt at this time. If sending him a card will make you angry at yourself, don't do it.

    Basically, whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. This truly is one of those things that doesn't have a moral-right-in-the-world sense but rather a what makes you feel better -- sending or not sending.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I think the not hearing back would be the hardest part. It doesn't take a holiday for a kid to pick up the phone or write a letter and say "I'm thinking of you." - and he hasn't done that despite your repeated attempts.

    So at 30 years of age? I'm more inclined to say I would not send it. Maybe just a note some other day or a blank card with - Thinking of you on the front would be more appropriate. Then write in - You are missed each and every day. Love Mom on the inside. ?????

    Hugs for your struggle
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    How do I not care? Well, he's NOT in danger. He is very well off financially. He is brilliant. He isn't some young adult who can't think straight and has spent time in jail maybe due to mental health issues. He is being cold and calculating on purpose. I went through all the grieving stages, and am still in therapy and I just decided I can't let him hold our lives hostage anymore. I have four other children, two have SO's who I love much, and I have a grandson on the way. This child had my heart and soul and he doesn't want it anymore. Maybe if I didn't have so many kids it would be hard to let go, but I don't have any choice here. So I moved on myself, and I really don't care anymore. I can't cry anymore tears. I can't e-mail him and write him letters and leave loving voicemails. I just became numb and I really don't care anymore. That doesn't mean I don't love him. It means I feel cold towards him, and am choosing to focus on those who do want me in their lives. Also, he hurt his sister, my daughter, soooooooo much, and she is my child too. Enough is enough.
    But I still don't know if I should send a card. I'm reading everyone's responses and thinking it over. If I don't send one, I sent a message to him. If I do, I sent a message to him. Last Easter he didn't join the family, rather he invited a family "who have no family" to join he and his wife for Easter. He could have brought them to our family gathering, but preferred to spent Easter with strangers and cut us out. After a while, even a mother burns out. At least, THIS mother burned out. I will always welcome him back into my life, but I'm not waiting on pins and needles. He has yet to call his brother to congratulate him on expecting a child (his nephew). I mean, one can only take so much...
    Also, I have NO expectation that I'll hear from him. He has never responded before. It wouldn't make me feel bad if he didn't respond because that's what he does (or doesn't) do.
  13. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    I agree with the above. If you can give without any expectations. Just the wishes for the season. In that case I would go ahead.
    If you are hopeful for some response from him then I would be hesitant. No matter how DONE we are it still hurts when we have our expectations not met. I dont think the heartache is worth it at that point.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I think I'll buy a small card (nothing elaborate) that has a religious message on it, since he is so religious. I"ll sign it Love, Mom and that's it. I can't sign for my hub or younger siblings as all of them are furious with him. But I'll do it and get it over with, and move on. He isn't going to contact me because of this card, but at least I didn't do what he's doing. It's amazing to me that one who professes to be a true Christian can be this cold and yet think he is acting out God's Word. This is a man who has read the entire Bible over and over again. Too bad he didn't read the part about family.
    Anyways, thanks :)
  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    You know what?

    Extra hugs for your mommy heart.
  16. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Yes, send him a card.

    We need to do what we think is the right thing. Whether or how our children respond to our actions, whether they believe we are fools, whether they seem to detest us or not, WE need to do the right thing, the loving thing.

    You have suffered so much at this child's rejection, MWM.

    I am sorry for the pain you feel now.

  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I understand why and how you don't care. It hurts too much to care. They aren't dependent upon us, and they don't want us. If you want to send him a card, and don't care if he sends one back then you should do it. If the result is that you are upset, you shouldn't.

    I tried sending cards to my family throughout the years that we have been estranged because it was the right thing to do. It served to make me miserable. If I could move just to get away from the cards I receive from my mother signed "Love DAD and Mom" twice I year, I would. "Love DAD and Mom" my eye! My dad won't even be in the same mega-store as me, and I'm not welcome at anyone's house for Christmas dinner.

    Enough about my situation, though. I would say ask yourself "why" you want to send the card, and then ask if you think sending the card will accomplish that goal. If you still want to do it, do it.
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Witz, the difference in your story and mine is that this is a child. I also had a terrible family and we didn't write AT ALL.
    But it's hard for me to do this to a child, even one acting like a jerk, added to the fact that I doubt he'll care if I ignore him. But just in case, I'm going to send a small card without any expectations.
  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Since it's what you want, I think you are making the right decision.

    I get what you're saying, but isn't he 30? My Mom only began sending cards after I sent her one. It was one of the biggest mistakes in this mess that I made. They hadn't known where I lived or my phone number. I would give my right arm for that anonymity again.
  20. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'd forget the Easter card.

    If it strikes you some afternoon that you think about him and want to let him know that and you want to, drop a generic "thinking of you" card in the mail. That's when I think its right to send him a card.