Should I fight this battle?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ML, Aug 8, 2010.

  1. ML

    ML Guest

    Manster has been evalauted for a speech issue this past year. The school won't provide services and our insurance said they wouldn't pay for it. A friend of mine who used to be a ST was working with him for a while. Here's the problem. He's kind of old for this to be easy, it will take a lot of work and he doesn't want to do it. The gal at Kaiser asked him if it bothered *him* that he couldn't say his "r's" and he said "no" and she said something to the effect of it being up to him if he wanted to change it. So now manster thinks he shouldn't have to and I can't seem to convince him.

    The only way it will work is if he does these exercises and he is so stubborn. Nagging him is just not working and I'm feeling like I'm against the wall again.

    Would you let this go? I kind of think it's too important to let it go but I'm not sure how to motivate him. I may go ahead and pay out of pocket (no we cannot afford this) for him to go once a week to a ST so at the very least he will have one day a week he's working on it.

    Thoughts or suggestions?
  2. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Hi ML,

    This is just my personal opinion based on where I'm at. Lately I've been making some decisions based solely on the energy that I have to carry them out. GFG13 has some executive function issues that could definitely be worked on -- I went to initial appointments for neurofeedback for him, but haven't followed up because I don't have it in me. I just don't want to.

    My difficult child is stubborn too -- he begged me to take him to the doctor for a cough and ear infection, but he has so many somatic complaints I kind of waited awhile and tried to take care of it with robitussin, home remedies, chest rubs, etc. He ended up on amoxicillin and an inhaler (wheezing) but then refused to take the inhaler. Today I was so fed up, I told him if he didn't use the inhaler I was going to call the Dr. tomorrow and difficult child would have to go back and get a big shot in the butt :~) He used the inhaler then.

    Anyway if your manster is stubborn and it will be a series of battles, is it really worth it? Can it wait until he is more invested and wants to do something about it?

    At this point in my journey I am not undertaking any projects that will suck me dry, waste my time with therapy appointments or cost too much. I'm letting myself off the hook as much as possible.

    ML, hope this helps. I don't know manster well and I don't know much about speech therapy. I do know what it's like to have a kid whose needs never end. Right now I'm just saying "uncle" for awhile.

    lots of hugs, you'll make the right decision, or make no decision for awhile. Plus school's coming -- can you add any extra to your usual school routine without completely undermining the family balance? We can't. "Uncle."
  3. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    My difficult child has refused to practice articulation exercises, so the onliy time he would be doing it properly was during the actual speech session. My youngest has some artic issues and the st said if the child wants to change the speech pattern, they will. So, I guess I am from the camp of 'if they care, then go for it. If they don't care, forget it. at least for now'.
  4. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

    That goes for any kind of therapy, grades at school or even vegetables on a dinner plate. Sometimes difficult child's turn our best efforts and intentions into wasted energy. It hoovers but what can you do? All you can do is offer the best tools and resources at your disposal which it sounds like you are doing. Maybe Manster will change his mind as he gets closer to wanting to impress the opposite sex? One sideways comment from a random girl a couple years from now could be his tipping point. Then if he decides to work on it you know your money will be well spent. 11 is verging on a "fun" age where you may have a lot of upcoming battles to choose between. Pace yourself. : )
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I agree that if he is not willing it will not work. I know a kid difficult child's age (13) who has a moderate speech problem but refuses to recognize it. He does not hear his slurring, or however you explain it. Everyone else does. He insists that he pronounciations are just fine. So, his mom is not fighting the battle. My husband has cousins with speech impediments who have never tried to have them corrected with ST.

    If you do believe this is too important to let it go, you can always start him on the program and stop if it does become a waste of time and money due to his not participating. That way you have made the effort to provide the service to him.

    I thought the school had to provide speech services? I would check into that - you know how the schools love to hide the services they have to offer. I am not sure who you would check with on that one though.

    I really can't make a final vote on this without listening to him but if it is a minor issue, I think you can set it aside and focus on larger issues. Follow your mommy heart though - if it is leading you to go ahead, then go ahead with it.
  6. erbaledge

    erbaledge New Member

    I agree, if he's not willing to cooperate and work on his speech there's not a lot you can do. Unless you are willing to put up the battle of wills with him. What's Moms' deep down feeling? Do you or are you ready for the battle? I can't give a 100% opinion without fully hearing him speak. If words with 'r' are almost not-understandable and he were my kid, then ya, I would do the battle. But if it's just like a slur or roll of the 'r', I might not.

    And with that, I do not understand why the school will not include speech therapy. If the kiddo has a IEP or what not, can't you add that to it the next time you re-evaluate, and then I would think they would HAVE to help him. Am I wrong?
  7. erbaledge

    erbaledge New Member

    I should add, that when my gfg15 was in 1st grade, the school did provide speech therapy for her, even though I did not feel she even needed it at that time. It was mostly slightly slurred particular letters, and I did not feel it was a huge deal for her age - I guess I was wrong, and the therapy did help. My point is, the school provided that for her on their own, like it was their idea in the beginning and all. hth
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I guess it would depend on the severity of the problem. How much impact would the treatment have? Would not treating be detrimental to his ability to function? Is this something that will impact him socially if he's treated?
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Has manster gone this far with-o any treatment for this? Is he upset by it, or teased for it? If he is not willing to work at the problem, then maybe it isn't a problem for him. You already have a LOT of battles with him and he is bothered by a LOT of things. If he does not notice this, or notice teasing about it, then I would let it go and NOT NOT NOT push the issue.

    It may be that if you push this then he starts to think that others are making fun of him behind his back because it when they are not, just the way he thinks others are gloating over winning or whatever. He is already dealing with enough with-o worrying about that too, isn't he?

    With an already strained budget, and having to pay for this yourself, pushing him to do the lessons and then having to fight him to practice will set up unneeded stress and resentment for YOU to feel. in my opinion it will put more strain on your relationship with him, and on the entire household.

    If it doesn't bug him then let it go and pick a different battle. When it bugs him and is something he is not just willing but actually is EAGER to work on, then you set up the therapy. Until then it is just a waste of your time and energy. (I had an AP english teacher who used this method with us - we studied how to write until we were EAGER to write essays. It worked fabulously - everyone was done early and worked hard on editing, critiquing and rewriting their work. Other English teachers had to fight to get even a rough draft done on time by an entire class, even in AP classes. I think it is a very worthwhile method especially when applied to difficult children and things like this! - At least half of our AP class was difficult child, by the way.)

    I hope this helps!
  10. ML

    ML Guest

    I guess it's not *that* bad which is part of the reason he's gone so long. Other kids think he has an accent and don't even realize it's a speech impediment. I think as he's getting older it's more noticable but I'm just mom. Manster has a 504, not an IEP and I think that's the difference in terms of school not providing support. That's the battle I may take on this year; making the leap to an IEP. I think you all may have picked up on the fact that I'm battle fatigued.

    You may remember that intially the AS diagnosis was ruled out about 4 years ago and then subsequently the psychiatrist we switched to afterwards agreed that he was on the spectrum but never changed the diagnosis "on the books" and now we are back to the psychiatrist we had before because we lost the better insurance with husband's job and had to switch back. I'm not sure what to do at this point to get it official. At this point I am convinced that having the spectrum diagnosis will open up more services. At the time the supports we had in place seemed to be adequate for the most part. The ADHD/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)/Tourette's Syndrome/Anxiety isn't going to cut it. Sheesh you would think that's enough.

    Thanks for the great suggestions and support.
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Yes, I would save your money...

    My son had some fine-motor issues when he was younger. The school wouldn't/couldn't provide Occupational Therapist (OT) yadda, yadda, yadda.... and THEN switched the way they taught handwriting mid-course - changing slanted, scripted printing styles. UGH!!! As a result, my son has the WORST, most illegible writing you've ever seen. Teachers let him type assignments whenever possible.

    Long story short, he never wanted to practice his writing (though his parents as well as teacher after teacher after teacher have tried to encourage him to do so)

    But now, that he is starting 6th grade...he is finally interested in "fixing" his handwriting. I've ordered some "printing practice" books for him...and we're going to work on this at home - where nobody has to know. Our goal is for him to develop more legible printing and cursive writing.

    Manster may eventually come around, too. Save the money for when HE is ready...
  12. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    ML, thank you for bringing up the term battle fatigue. I've never thought of it in those terms. For so many years I have been ignoring battle fatigue and powering/staggering through it.

    For us warrior parents, battle fatigue is so often not an option in our way of thinking. For me, it was not a part of my self-image, or how I defined myself as a parent. I preferred to be relentless.

    For the first time in the past few months, I'm learning to identify and respect battle fatigue -- even surrendering to it from time to time. Nothing bad happened (no yawning chasm erupting in the backyard because I don't feel like taking 13 to neurofeedback) -- I just got some rest. This has been a great learning experience for me.

    So anyway -- this isn't a comment about the speech therapy, I just wanted to thank you for mentioning battle fatigue so I could reflect on it for awhile.
  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    We can't afford K's private ST right now and it makes me so angry. Her School tries to help her but it is not enough. I am going to fight with them this year about working with her later in the day. Why? Because her speech is so much worse in the afternoon after lunch.
    They have in her goals that she has almost met her Speech Requirements! She has tongue thrust and slurs and loses speech as the day goes on. Sure she works her butt off in the a.m. but.... hers is not medication related it is muscle tone and strength related.
    So does she want to work after school with me? NOWAY! Right now I have to have the school do it, I need them to do it.
    I agree it is a matter of how tired and weary we are, I am too tired to battle her about this. We are fighting other issues right now. LOL
    We were lucky and the School took our word that both the girls needed ST. I just have to convince them that K is not doing as well as they think.
    Personally I think some of it is budget cuts...

    You are right about the Spectrum diagnosis opening doors. Sad but true, K, since officially receiving this diagnosis now has access to many more services than when she only had the BiPolar (BP) diagnosis. We actually may be able to get her into ST through the Autism Clinic here now. (just need to find the time) LOL

    Good luck
  14. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member


    whether you want to fight the battle is great question, but whomever evaluation'd manster should be able to *honestly* tell you if he stands to gain anything from it....i'm tired too, so i get what you are saying...BUT...

    i'd find out exactly *why* your insurance co. won't pay for Sp for someone on the spectrum...if you are going on "old info" you might want to recheck with your ins. co.

    read thru might or might not apply, but suddenly "parity" is a very big deal in the ins. world in some states, and it looks like yours is one of them....(Again, it might or might not apply, but it will help start the discussion with your ins. co--speak to a casemanager if you have one and they should have more info--at least you'll have entertained yourself in the process, ROFL!)










    blah, blah, blah...







  15. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member


    sorry for the terrible c&p job on that :)