Sitting here alone and heart broken

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Melbourne11, May 22, 2016.

  1. Melbourne11

    Melbourne11 New Member

    My daughter is 28. We have had a difficult relationship over the years. She has lied, stolen, disowned me ad manipulated me. As a teenager she would go missing for days with people she had just met. Cut herself and at times become violent towards me. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. As she got older she has continued to pull at my heart strings. I never know where stand with her. She can be amazing caring to me but the change and become so hurtful. She picks people up quickly and becomes almost obsessed and then they are gone. Her ast relationships have been violent however she always manages to make the other person look bad.
    This weekend she was drunk. She became aggressive and hit me. She tried to choke me. When her hand were on my neck she told me she was a psychopath. She the sat down and told me that she would make sure I lost my job. She called the metal health team and told them I was being psychotic and needed sectioning for my own safety. She then called the police and told them she needed assistance . I was too frightened to leave as II was convinced he was going to injure herself and blame it on me.
    Th police arrived and issued a IVO against her to protect me. It is in the court tomorrow. My daughter started too cry and pleaded with the police to let me stay with her. She threatened to kill herself if they made me go home. I refused to pres charges and said I didn't want the IVO. My daughter has a good job and I didn't want her to loose it.
    I have had this pain and turmoil for 17 years now. I know I have to walk away. I just want her to love me and have a loving relationship. But there is always such hatred from her toward me. I know she tells her friends that I abuse her. Her past relationships have always involved arguments and violence. She is also drinking o a regular basis. Over the years she has taken drugs but I dont think she does anymore.
    Please can someone tell me I am not going mad. I feel such an awful mother. She is all I have but I know it's never going to change.
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. Would you allow anyone else to treat you this way? Should it matter that it is your daughter? She is violent and it will happen again. You do not deserve to be treated this way. I hope it does not happen again. If it does, press charges. She is dangerous.
     
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    She is either an addict, or has mental health challenges, or both. That does not mean you have to be her "punching bag". You have the right to peace and security of your person and your belongings. She is 28. You don't "owe" her anything, really. She is able to either make her own way, OR get help. She doesn't want help at this point, or things wouldn't be the way they are. Not getting help means you are putting yourself at risk.

    Please look after yourself. You can still love her - even if you have to go low or no contact. When she is prepared to deal with her issues, you can still be there for her.
     
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  4. Melbourne11

    Melbourne11 New Member

    Thank you for the replies. I know that I have to stop all of the contact. She waked out two years ago and I had no idea were she was for 9 months. This was after giving her several thousand pounds to pay off debts and buy a car. I eventually got a call from a friend telling me that my daughter was in hospital on a psychiatric ward. She had actually changed her surname by deed poll. The team told me that she has borderline personality and not bi polar. She was trying to convince them that she had Bi Polar. They explained the name change i to enable her to separate work life with her personnel life. she had checked into the hospital under her real name but used her new name at work. Anyhow I went to the hospital ad brought her back home. It was okay for a few weeks. Then she started to vent anger towards me. It like living a double life. I never know how she is going to feel or act towards me.
    You are right she is dangerous to herself and me. Now that she has no partner I am the main one that she will target. She seems to be able to regulate herself around her friends. she actually plays the victim.
    If I didn't know better I sometimes wonder if I am going mad.
    Thank so much for the support. I am so ashamed.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Have you heard of borderline personality disorder? Look it up.

    I am sorry you have to go through this. My heart goes out to you. She sounds dangerous and you must have other friends and loved ones who don't abuse you. She is acting like an abusive spouse. Would you let a spouse choke you?

    You can't change her but you can change your reaction to her and your focus in life. Do you like animals? Do rescue. Do you like to crochet? Make friends joining a circle. Like sports? Sign up to play or go to games. Fill up your days and put yourself first. Your daughter is 28. She has no right to your time anymore. She is too old to need a "mommy." You can't fix her. But you can fix your own life.

    Wishing you well :)
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2016
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I posted before I read your last post. So she is borderline. That tells you she is going to stay very unpredictable and dangerous too probably unless she seriously wants to change and works very hard at it. There is hardcore therapy for borderline but it takes will.to change and hard work plus commitment. She doesn't sound ready. Borderline behavior is hardwired and difficult to change. The person must admit it and want desperately to heal. Bipolar sometimes goes along with it. She could have both. Plus sounds like she still may use drugs.

    You are sane. Your daughter has a very weak sense of self. This goes with borderline. Borderline tend to act like whoever they hang around with. Their main abuse targets though are people who love them. Then they freak out after target gets sick of being abused and cry that nobody loves them. It's not normal behavior, but it's an ongoing pattern. Many times, during their victim phase, the abused person feels bad and takes the abuser back. Rinse. Repeat. So goes borderline and codependent. You may like to read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Great book.

    Please don't let her hurt you in any way, daughter or not. Borderline is too big for anyone to take on. Don't try. Be good to yourself.
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2016
  7. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    Read the book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" by Paul T. Mason. It's about borderline personality and how to handle the ups and downs with people in your life diagnosed with Borderline.

    You need to step away for now because she is dangerous to you and herself. At least until you read up on the diagnosis. Unless she gets help, this pattern will continue. She will drag you through it all. YOU can't let this happen.

    You can love her even when not in contact- in fact, sometimes it's the loving thing to do- because you are setting healthy boundary for both you and your daughter until she gets treatment.

    I'm so sorry you have had to endure so much pain and heartache with your daughter.
     
  8. Melbourne11

    Melbourne11 New Member

    I am sitting here crying. I contacted the police this morning and have asked that they don't take out a IVO against my daughter. I will stay away from her though. I know I can not help her and I know it will happen again. I don't know when but it will happen. There are so many times, so many hurtful things that have happened. She says I am to blame and I partly believe that. I was a single mum. Her father was violet and an alcoholic. It's like history is repeating itself. Except this is my daughter. The person I love more than anything in the world. I just want a normal relationship. Is that too much to ask??
    How can my daughter hate me so much? How can she want to try and destroy me? Yet when she wants to be can be so loving and nice. I feel that my heart is breaking and I am going to turn my back on my own child. The person I am suppose to love and help unconditionally. I cannot talk to friends. What will they say? It's just a mess. However I seem to have been here o many times over the last 16/17 years. Even typing now I feel ashamed and confused. Surely he can see what she is loosing. But at the time she doesn't seem to care.
    So sad.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You answered your own question, Hon. She is like her father. Borderline can be inherited. You did nothing wrong. She has a serious personality disorder. The very newest research on borderline points strongly to heredity. Yes, psychiatric problems were once wrongly thought to be 100% environmental. How we learn. The latest research points to strong hereditary factors. In all psychiatric disorders. Some people are even more prone to develop post traumatic stress disorder after trauma than others who live the same trauma. As for the % that is from environmental, there is far more than you in her life.

    Disturbed adult children love to blame us. We don't have to listen though. Don't engage her. Don't answer your phone. Put it in a drawer if you must. Don't open your door. Or talk but hang up if she starts the abuse. And don't answer again for three days. Borderlines often lack strong empathy. It is part of the disorder. That's why she doesn't get it.

    As for your friends, her behavior is not on your shoulders. She is not 10 years old. She is an adult. She owns her life. You only own yours. We all make mistakes in parenting, including your friends. You are a good person who deserves to have friends. Friends don't have to share everything. If you don't feel safe or comfortable talking about daughter then say, "I would rather talk about something else" and if they ask why "Id rather not say right now." Trust me. They will get it.

    Be nice to yourself. You did your best with a very difficult, differently wired kid. And you're still standing.

    You are a champ.
     
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    Last edited: May 22, 2016
  10. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    Our duties as parents are to give them shelter, food, clothing and raise them to be self supporting adults. Now, sometimes while raising our kids life serves us a crap sandwich; either divorce, illness, loss of job, family members, money, drugs, alcohol. Now, we do try to love and help unconditonally, but sometimes, that is lost when adult children ruin their own lives by their decisions of their parents and family members. YOU lose the right to our love and help if you refuse to help yourself and continue in self destructive behavior.

    No where is it written that parents are to love and help unconditionally no matter how bad our kids treat us or the decisions they make. There are boundaries and limits for each person.

    Your daughter has an illness and needs to seek counseling and treatment for her issues. Her father was an alcoholic. Lots of folks had parents like that, including me. Do not allow her to suck you into that mind thinking that you ruined her, it's all your fault, blah blah. Stop it right there. YOU did the best you could. Did you make mistakes, sure, but haven't we all as parents. WE are not perfect people. Parents make mistakes.

    Try and find community support group, in the US there is NAMI.org, ala-non, etc. Start there. You will see you are not alone.

    Don't allow yourself to made to feel guilty about your daughter's behavior, decisions and you have to call the police. Our kids are always making us their scape-goats because it allows them in their mind to not own to their bad decisions, bad behavior, etc.

    Hugs, lots of support here. Keep us updated.
     
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I wanted to say welcome. You have received excellent advice already and I have not one thing to add.
    You know you cannot allow yourself to have contact with her. There are long-term psychotherapies that have shown to be effective with people like your daughter, but there has to be motivation to change and the hard work to do it. The ball is in her court.
    You can take pride that you raised her to be able to function so highly that she can maintain this job. That must be enough. No parent gets 100 percent.
    Many of us have been through this. The gossip about us, most untrue. My son used to go to a city near us on the coast where it is cool, and tell friends of mine that we did not allow him to turn on the air conditioner in the heat. (This was the least of it. He would gossip about me to the neighbors.) I wish I had not let it bother me. I know better now.

    You must make peace with yourself. Try not to look to her or anybody else for your self-esteem (certainly not from your daughter.) It is not safe for you or her that you be near her. Her life would be destroyed if she hurt you badly, and yours too, quite probably.
    This combination, borderline and drugs and alcohol are potentially lethal. You know what you have to do.
    She does not hate you. This behavior is a manifestation of her illness. It is not safe for either of you to keep trying for another outcome, until at least she gets control over her drinking, and gets some psychotherapy.

    You must accept that it is not you. It is not your fault. As her mother you have a role here to be responsible for your own safety, if there is knowing that your daughter is unable to take responsibility for her own.

    I am so sorry that you find yourself in this place, as many of us have. Trust and believe me. There is life after this. A good life. I hope you stay with us and keep posting. I am so glad you are here. You are not alone.
     
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  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Welcome to the forum, and we are glad you are here. First, lots of ((((hugs)))). We care here.

    Please realize and accept that your daughter is very sick. She can't love you like you love her. She just can't. She is clearly dangerous and there is no set of values in the world that require or expect you to allow anybody----anybody---to put their hands around your throat and choke you.

    I also believe that when somebody tells you who they are..."I am a psycopath" we have to believe them.

    Yes, it is tragic and so sad and we very much understand your grief. Grieve the loss of the person you wanted her to be, and the person you tried to raise.

    You did all you could. All of us here did all we could. We can't control outcomes of other people. And especially where there is very serious mental illness that is untreated, there is absolutely nothing we can do.

    It's time for you. It's way way way past time for you. That doesn't mean you have to stop loving her and hoping and praying that a miracle occurs and she starts wanting to get the very serious help that she needs.

    But you need to separate physically from her and set good strong boundaries to protect yourself physically and emotionally. Perhaps you can write her letters or notes on paper or online. You can say what you feel and want to say without expecting anything back from her.

    Love is real. Your love for her is real. But it's not a balanced relationship, and it cannot be unless and until she decides to change and work very very hard to get well.

    Until that day comes, start reclaiming your own life. You deserve a life of your own that is filled with people who care about you, joy, contentment and serenity. It IS possible to have that life, even when our own beloved children are off the rails.

    We are here for you on this forum. A very warm welcome to you.
     
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  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Melbourne, I am so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. Others have offered you wonderful support. With adult kids like we have, often what we have to learn how to do is detach. And, to learn or re-learn how to care for ourselves. It becomes necessary to put the focus on ourselves, to learn how to nurture ourselves and remember our own needs and desires.

    I made myself available to LOTS of support as I was learning how to detach from my daughter, for most of us, support is necessary, this is very difficult.

    You may find the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment to be helpful.

    If you are in the U.S., you might try looking online for N.A.M.I., which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have chapters in many cities and they offer wonderful support and courses for parents of kids who have mental issues.

    There are a number of good books you may want to read. Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie is a good beginning resource.

    Hopefully you can find a counselor, a support group for parents (NAMI offers those), a place you can go to get support, guidance, nurturing......a safe place where you can share how you feel and get help.

    You are not alone, there are many of us here who've been dealing with adult kids who are similar to your daughter. Keep posting, it helps. Get support for yourself. Begin to take the focus off your daughter and place it on yourself.

    I'm glad you're here. Hang in there. We're here for you.
     
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  14. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    Melbourne 11,

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry for your hurt.

    The first thought that came to my mind after reading your post is your daughter is 28 years old. An adult.

    The second thing that came to mind is that simply being a person's parent doesn't warrant or excuse the abuse. If anything, our child treating us that way is even more disturbing given we are their parent!

    As difficult as it is, detaching with love is an absolute necessity for both child and parent. We are only enabling them and encouraging the behaviors when we continue to "just want to help", or continue playing the what if game.

    Here is what I remind myself when I start to feel utterly depressed about my daughter...has anything I've done actually changed the situation? Nope.

    Am I truly equipped to give her the help she needs? Clearly not, as things would be different if I had that power.

    You can love and encourage your child without allowing them to abuse or use you. You cannot make your daughter do anything she doesn't want to do, but you can control what you do and don't do. It's difficult and a hard long road to switch gears, but it really is a necessity for both of you.

    You wouldn't allow anybody else to treat you so poorly. Daughter or not, it's not okay. Her being 28 years old makes it even more not okay.

    You're not alone. Sadly, there's a lot of us out here. All in different stages of healing and growing.
     
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  15. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    My daughter is borderline. Explosive in temper and can be cruel and cutting in her words. She has only frightened me once. She was in an uncontrolled rage - her face beet red as she stood cursing me and punching the end of the couch I was sitting on. I knew in that moment that if I responded the wrong way, she would come at me. We threatened to call the police if she didn't leave, to which she stated, "Go ahead. I'll be gone before they get here." By the time it was over, she was in tears, apologizing, saying she didn't know why she was acting this way. Then the switch turned again and she left in anger. We found out later she was on meth at the time. You cannot, cannot, cannot have such a volatile and unpredictable person with an untreated personality disorder in your home. The alcohol just lowers the inhibition and whatever little bit of reserve she might normally have is completely gone. I no longer accept my daughter's verbal abuse, violent outbursts, or threats of self-harm (and she has several times). I immediately disengage or call authorities. Whatever the situation calls for. She does not like this new "me" that doesn't immediately respond so she has yet again withdrawn from me. For now, I feel a mutual need to have space.
     
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  16. Melbourne11

    Melbourne11 New Member

    Thank you so much for the replies. I slept better last last night and do not feel so drained.
    I am going to stay away from m daughter. o amount of talking or her or me saying sorry is going to put this right. Or stop it from happening again. I am praying she seeks help. However I doubt it.
    I know that he is able to regulate herself around her friends/ acquaintances and at work. It only seems to be those people she has a close relationship with that she targets. That is me and her past two relationships. All of these have resulted in violence at some point. The first guy was several years of fights, police being called and separation and then reunite. The last one was instant love. He had moved in after a weeks with her. But the arguments started and then there was violence. I feel bad because deep down I knew that she will have targeted him. However I stood by her as she lied to the police.
    I moved away a few years ago. We had limited contact over phone and Skype. However she followed me and now lives not far from me. She is bringing chaos back into my life. Although to the outside world she presents as happy and lovely. And she can be !! That I why I find it so hard to understand. I really feel I am dealing with two people. The daughter I want and need and the stranger who wants to hurt and enjoys seeing me in pain.
    I will stay strong this time. I have to remember I am dealing with the stranger all o the time. She just pretends to be my daughter to manipulate me. I don't want to live in fear. It really is like walking on egg shells. I am also going to see if I can see a psychologist who might help me. I am doing what I never wanted to do. Turn my back on my daughter an admit I can not help her.
    Thank you so much for listening. I hope to repay the favor one day. Until you have lived the experience it is impossible to understand.
     
  17. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    My daughter was the same - could put on a great mask for those she isn't close to. Those who are closest to her bore the brunt of her extreme behavior. The meth even stripped that so anyone could be the target of her emotions or delusions at the time. I highly suggest you really research borderline and how to respond to help lessen triggers and how to react when she does trigger. There are some really good websites out there along with some wonderful books. It will help you learn how to deal with her various extremes and set boundaries, which she probably won't like but will help you reshape your relationship to a more tolerable situation. Knowledge is power.
     
  18. Melbourne11

    Melbourne11 New Member

    Thank you so much. It helps just knowing that I am neither mad or bad. I have spent years letting her convince me that the root cause is me. I have gone through my 30's and 40's trying to keep her being okay with me. Apologizing when I shouldn't and forgiving when I shouldn't. I don't want to spend the next 17 years like that.
     
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