So heartbroken

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Dara, Jun 3, 2007.

  1. Dara

    Dara New Member

    I dont even know where to start. First of all, we got the report back and it wasnt as good as we originally thought. It said he was developmentally the age of a 23 month old. Sammy will be turning 3 on the 11th. He was a year behind when we tested him 6 months ago and it was thought that he would pretty much be caught up. I dont know what else to do. He does therapy, we are getting him tested through the school district when they actually set up the appointment. We are looking into theraputic schools. We have done therapy for 2 years now. His therapist is someone we trust completly and he doesnt mince words. He said the problem with the theraputic school for Sammy is that Sammys problems other than language are more quirks than actual occupational things and they wont really know what to do with him. The other problem is if there are kids in the class who grunt and have no language, Sammy will mock them and stop speaking. (He has done this before)
    Now to the other part the rips my heart out. He is so awful with me. He hits, kicks, screams, throws headbanging tantrums and is flat out defiant. I was away for 3 days, just came back today and he was a perfect angel for my husband. If I go out for an hour or 2 he is always perfect for my husband. Its not like my husband spends no time with him. He spends all the time in the world with him. I came home and he went back to his normal beating routine with me. I just want to hug him and play with him and be with him. IT breaks my heart that he acts like this with me. I dont get it..noone gets it!
     
  2. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member


    Dara, that hitting and kicking, defiance, etc. it very indicative of ODD. My difficult child is now almost twelve, but he's behaved that way since he was 18 months. Many different doctors have explained it to me that he feels perfectly safe with me and he's held it together with everyone else and he can finally let his true colors show through with MOM because mom will love them unconditionally. I know hearing it from someone else won't make it much easier, but at least you'll know you're not alone. My difficult child finally doesn't actually hit me any longer, but the verbal abuse is almost as hurtful.

    You say, "I don't get it.".......Hon, I don't either, and it still hurts after all these years.
     
  3. EB67

    EB67 New Member

    >>I dont even know where to start. First of all, we got the report back and it wasnt as good as we originally thought. It said he was developmentally the age of a 23 month old. Sammy will be turning 3 on the 11th. He was a year behind when we tested him 6 months ago and it was thought that he would pretty much be caught up. I dont know what else to do.

    You have my understanding there. My Miles is 3 1/2 with pragmatic language delay. When he was initially tested through CPSE he showed significant delays-- he is due to be retested in a few months-- he has made great strides. I am hopeful that these kids can catch up to speed. It's hard to see though.

    Today for example, we were at the pool. There was a little girl Milo's age. The father was being sweet and chatty with him but it pained me to see how he and his daughter could not comprehend my child. Assuming he was much younger the dad asked how old he was. I told him "three". He said to Miles: 'When is your birthday?" and Miles answered: "Batman". He normally says Batman when asked this question because he had a Batman birthday cake and he speaks in associations most of the time. The dad and girl didn't know what to make of Miles, so they just moved on. Sad.

    My point being, I want to offer my understanding. Dealing with such visible delays is disheartening.


    >>to the other part the rips my heart out. He is so awful with me. He hits, kicks, screams, throws headbanging tantrums and is flat out defiant.

    Just to set your mind at ease here, just because he lashes out at you at three does not mean that the writing is on the wall, the die is cast and he will be this way from here to eternity. I am no expert, but I will tell you that at 3 Seb would hit, bite and kick me. This behavior lasted for about a year. At 7 Seb is many things, but ODD he is not. He does many things, but he never lashes out at me. The behaviors you are seeing now may go away. They did in my son's case.
     
  4. Dara

    Dara New Member

    Thank you so much. It is nice as unfortunate as it is, to hear that other people know what I am talking about. I ust get so jealous of my husband because he gets to do all of the fun stuff and Sammy will not allow that to happen with me. In the report they said Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) as well as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Anxiety, behavior disorder not otherwise specified, language delay, and ADHD. He also said that a lot of these symptoms have to do with the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) and he also said by the time he is next evaluated the diagnosis will likely have changed. He is hoping and confident that sammy will be out of the "Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) umbrella" eventually. I really feel down about it because I really dont know what to do about this stuff now.
    As for the behavior problems that go on between me and him. I know that it is not something I am doing and it is not personel...but it hurts like a knife in my heart because I have to watch everyone else get to do the things with my child that I want to do. Then there are my inlaws who judge me on a daily basis basically thinking and saying that I or we (my husband) are the cause of all of Sammys problems. I know to take what they say with a grain of salt but when I am allready feeling full of doubt and sadness about it, I dont need any critcism from people who dont understand.
     
  5. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Dara, was it a developmental pediatrician who did the report? Did the report contain a list of recommendations for interventions?

    As much as you like the therapist who sees Sammy, is it possible it is not the "right" therapy or is it time to consider moving on given that you are not satisfied with the progress Sammy has made?

    Can you visit the therapeutic school yourself to see whether you feel it is a good placement for Sammy?

    Sorry I'm throwing out so many questions -- I'm just trying to help jumpstart your thinking about what steps to take next.
     
  6. Dara

    Dara New Member

    It was a developmental pediatrician. who did the evaluation. He sent a list of therapists, speech pathologists and the 3 theraputic schools. We plan on visiting the schools and talking to the people on the list. We are also waiting for the school district to call back and set up an appointment to do additional testing to see what services they can provide. We love our current therapist. husband and I talked about it last week that it might be a comfort issue for us to change. We are definatly exploring that possibility. My brain is having a hard time processing all of this info. My mind is spinnnig with all of this stuff!
     
  7. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Dara, I remember when we received the report after my son's initial neuropsychological testing. I felt validated (because we knew something was wrong), scared (that he actually had a diagnosis) and overwhelmed at all that was recommended we do to help him. It did take some time to process everything. I remember talking to our pediatrician about my feelings, and he said, "It feels strange now, but you'll research it all and you'll know what to do." You know something -- he was right.

    Dara, I have confidence that you'll know what to do, too.
     
  8. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Dara, these early years with a child on the Autistic Spectrum are often hardest on parents of all. Many Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids will turn a corner around age five, often when they have more functional language. Language issues stand in the way of a lot of communication and training and accurate assessment. Once language is in place and they reach a developmental age/stage where they can rationalize more, you will have a lot more at your disposal to work through behavioral problems instead of just getting through them. Beyond appropriate therapies and educational settings, some things just have to be 'gutted out'. If it is seriously impacting you (as in anxiety and/or depression) please do seek out help for yourself. Many of our moms do need medications and/or therapy support through the tough times.

    Ages 3-5 were some of the longest most exhausting days of my life. When difficult child wasn't in one of his moods he was the most delightful, laid back child on the planet, but he flipped on a dime, had to be supervised every minute, and had no desire whatsoever to please me.

    Don't worry about the 23 months stuff--for now think of it as a number that will get Sammy additional services and nothing more at this point. These kids tend to be all over the map in these young ages and often it levels out by kindergarten. by the way, I think it was unwise for therapists to be predicting that a child testing a year behind developmentally will be caught up in 6 months. That's a quantum leap, and nothing that any professional should be predicting, especially in the absence of an accurate diagnosis.

    Hang in there--
     
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