Someone stop the drama...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by totoro, Jul 11, 2007.

  1. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    So how come when I am trying to deal with K of course other caca has to come up???

    So my Aunt e-mails me the my other Aunt has a brain tumor and it is cancerous, inoperable... I have not seen either of them in years, the one who is dieing in over 20 years.
    So while my Aunt is telling me this, she tells me my Father, who I have not talked to since I was pregnant with K, was in town last week... He was renewing his license, getting a physical and registering his truck??? He lives in Mexico.
    So she says he wants to contact me. I write her back and say, I don't care. I only think he said that to look good in front of her, lip service. I said as long as he doesn't contact me with his drama and lies.
    So I didn't hear back from her, this was Saturday.
    Monday my Father e-mails me!!! This is the man that has been in and out of prison, heroin addict, drug addict, alcoholic, I didn't meet him until I was 13, and lived with him until I was 17, the whole time I lived with him he fed me drugs, taught me how to free base... I was out all hours. No control, when I had a breakdown, he yelled at me and said I just was looking for attention...
    He has been a drug dealer and a scammer his whole life. But in between he has managed to fool everyone he come in contact with, he was on the chamber of commerce here, etc. He always made me and his wife look like the crazy ones.
    He has denied most things or said I never forced you to do anything... I came to him at 13 looking for stability, from my Mom commiting suicide and my adopted dad abusing me and just having a violent miscarriage.
    He acted like none of it happened and continued to mentally beat me down for years.

    So now he is like "Well I said sorry either you get over it or not" but I don't ever see a change, at least in the past.
    When husband met him 7 years ago he hated the way he treated me.
    So my father writes that he was here and by my house and looking for property here!!! He is looking for a summer home here. He claims he didn't know I lived here and thought I was still in Chicago, he said my brother, who is messed up, told him after they were out of town that I lived here??? And he was going to get in touch with me but then he found out about his sister and had to leave....

    They are both liers. My brother would lie because he likes the fact that we don't talk, my dad is just a lier.

    So I write him back and say thanks for letting me know about my aunt and that my family is fine thanks.

    I guess I just don't know how to feel or what to do? He is like nothing ever happened and everything is fine... I have no idea if he knows about my children? My brother and my aunt do, but they are so dense they might not say anything...

    My family is just so utterly messed up... I don't need any more drama. I will not let this into my children's lives. They don't even know he exists.
    I hate to say it but part of me wishes he would just go away and stay away, but he always resurfaces every few years.
    Part of me hates him... When I think of what he put me through and how much help I needed in my teens I feel so much rage.
    I think I needed to get this off of my chest... thanks ladies.
     
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    just reading this brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry your life was so hard, and you were only a child. not your fault. I would not want to see him either, nor would I want him around any children of mine. sigh. he doesnt deserve you.
     
  3. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    :rolleyes:I am sorry for all your stress and chaol in your life--Your priorities are right--you are focusing on your children--they need you- stay strong :warrior:
     
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I can't think of anything to say or do except to offer hugs for comfort.
     
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So sorry you going through this with your father right now with everything else you have on your plate. That is horrible, and the past life experiences seem daunting, to say the least. However, I hope you will feel confident in having absolutely no contact with him whatsoever. He has done nothing but harm you, and you owe him absolutely nothing, not even an obligatory hello. People like this never change, and you have no reason to even bother yourself with his silly emails and dramas.

    I will be thinking of you.
     
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yikes!
    Well, you kept it polite in the email. I have a s-i-l sort of like that and I ignore most of her emails, and those where a response is needed, I reply with-short, factual sentences.
    "Delete" will become your best friend.
    If your father really does move close by (and in my humble opinion, anything closer than 100 miles is close, in his case!) I would treat him like a distant neighbor. Think about all the neighbors you have who live near you but you don't know them well, your schedules are different, and you don't speak much.
    You don't invite them into your home because you have your own friends.
    I would try to distance myself emotionally. In fact, ask your Dr. if you can increase your Zoloft a bit just to get you through this. (Well, on 2nd thought, don't increase it unless you see a "SOLD" sign next door!)
    If your dad insists on a confrontation, you'll have to calmly tell him that you're not interested in an ongoing relationship. He does not deserve one bit of explanation. You know from experience that he will manipulate what ever you say, so don't bother. "No thank you" will be your mantra, that, and turning and walking away calmly.
    Good luck!!!!
     
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! I say "burn the bridge, before he shows up at your door". God knows he introduced his own daughter to nightmares, I hate to think what kind of Grandfather he would try to present himself as!

    Beth

    PS: I love the fact that your husband saw him for who he is! No matter what, anyone that is responsible for the misery that he caused you but denies that any of it is real, may just as well be the devil himself!
     
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know I wouldn't want him back in my or my children's lives. Hugs to you-you sure don't need this right now. :angel:
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Personally, I'd keep him as far away as possible. You owe the man nothing, nada.

    You've overcome alot to build your life. There is nothing in the "family Rule Book" that says you have to let him waltz in and mess it all up.

    Exactly the reason I keep my own family at a distance.

    ((((hugs))))
     
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You did not get many choices when you were a kid. THIS IS IN YOUR CONTROL. Do not let anyone or anything affect what you want to do here. If you do not want to see/talk/email him than do not. If you would like to keep it a once a year email or card - then tell him.

    You dictate what will happen in this relationship now.
     
  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You ladies are the best!!! I have been beating myself up all day, that same insecure little girl that he new how to stomp on... I was feeling like maybe I was a difficult child and all of that!!! Sure I most likely was. It is so easy to let yourself become weak. I see myself as this strong warrior mom and would walk through fire for my girls... but that man e-mails me and I am questioning my sanity again. LAME!!!
    But after reading all of your posts I know I am strong and none of us need him.

    Thank you so much!!!
     
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Some suggestions:

    1) Decide. Do you want the door to be left open for him? Or do you want him gone, completely, so he can never bother you or your kids? Never ever.

    If you want the door left open, then ignore anything else I'm putting here. But be sure, before you read on.

    2) You now have two things to do. First, find out where you stand legally, in terms of getting a protection order for you and your children. Second, send him either a letter or an email, saying the following:
    "This is to inform you that I do not want you to communicate with me or any member of my family, by any means, ever again. If you do so I will commence legal proceedings." make sure you mark the email with notification back to you. Keep this proof of receipt in your archives.
    You can add your reasons, along the lines of the damage he has done to you and the distress it causes you when he makes contact even indirectly, but that's your choice. Personally, I wouldn't bother telling him; just the judge.

    The last step is to set your email to automatically "bounce" anything coming in from him, with a message saying, "This is an automated reply. You have breached my firm request and I now will use this breach to commence the legal proceedings I said I would, in the event of your attempt to contact me or any member of my family."
    Make sure a copy of his email(s) go into your email archive - do not delete them. Even if you choose to NOT take action, you need the chain of evidence.

    This is what I had to do, when I had a neighbour bothering me (online stalking).
    I had no immediate grounds for taking out a protection order, UNTIL I had sent him a letter asking him to not contact me by any means. I made sure I kept a copy of that letter as well as a copy of his having received that letter (in my case, I notified him via certified mail). I also had copies of other correspondence from my creep, as well as things he had written about me to others, to use if I needed to. I had also attempted mediation which he refused - this was also in my armoury. In your case, I think you're way past mediation.

    The reason I suggest this, is to help you take control back. You need to f eel in power again and for me, this worked. No longer did I feel I was on the run.

    Whatever you choose to do, do not let anybody take your power away from you. At 13 you could not be legally capable of making choices for yourself. Your father did the wrong thing. But you were already too vulnerable and abused. And he compounded that abuse.

    You have grown and moved on. Take control back. At the very least, it should stop him talking about or even thinking about moving into your neighbourhood.

    He sounds like he wants to control you again, by whatever means he can. Don't let him - show him you're the one in control.

    Marg
     
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh totoro....Im so sorry!

    As you know I can empathize with you in many ways. Having a parent victimize you can leave you questioning your very sanity. I often reverted to that insecure child when my mom started her garbage with me even when I was much older than you. I always kept trying to win her love and it just didnt happen. What on earth was wrong with me that a mother do those things to her own daughter ya know?

    I did have to distance myself from her in many ways but was never able to completely cut the ties and in the end I ended up her caretaker. Talk about a really difficult situation!

    I think you should cut ties with your father if at all possible. You owe him nothing. He did unspeakable things to you and denies them all. He blames YOU! Unforgivable.

    You know I am always thinking about you and the kiddos. Especially my dear lil K...lol. Give her a big hug from me.
     
  14. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Janet, Marg- once again can I say thank you!!! Your words mean SO much to me right now.
    It is amazing to me how many of us here have been through so much as children and now are fighting to help our own children.
    I do think these experiences have given me strength to fight for K and N. TO survive.

    I think I am going to give it a little bit of time and see if he keeps contacting me. He has done this before, he writes and then stops... the move wont happen for at least a year, so I have some time to think.
    We are still pondering our move as well. If we can't get into a new psychiatrist and if the school isn't working by next summer we will be looking into moving to Tucson. SO we would then not have to worry about him at all.

    I am going to try and not worry for now... just about the kids!!!
     
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