Sooooo ungrateful!!

[wakeupcall]

I'm just sick of how ungrateful my difficult child is. Is this part of being 13? He conned us into putting his presents under the tree. We lasted longer than last year, we just put them out about an hour ago. Now, mind you, we didn't put out any that SANTA brought, yet, so there's more to come. Yes, he still believes in Santa no matter how we discuss it. We seldom get ANY of his gifts out because he is relentless in begging to open. He CRIED because we didn't have LOTS of wrapped presents from his father and I. I swear I don't know how to respond. He makes me so angry....he feels SO entitled. What he hasn't seen yet is the skateboard we got for $140!!!!

What would you do?

 

[klmno]

Don't put it out- yes, it's part of the age- they have learned how to manipulate (albeit they don't see it in the same light as adults do)- they've just learned what methods to get what they want and they will use them because they aren't mature enough yet or have the conscious yet to see, care, and understand how disrespectful and obnoxious this is. That's just my opinion. They really don't get it- so, I wouldn't punish as if you know he "got it", but I wouldn't give in either, in a situation like this.

 

[tiredmommy]

I probably wouldn't take the skateboard back, though I would be sorely tempted.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I remember the year Oldest found ALL her presents. I think she was around the same age. I was so disappointed... I wanted to take them all back, or just put them under the tree, unwrapped .. or even, just hand them to her Christmas morning and say, "here."

In the end, I did none of those things. But she knew how upset I was. She didnt do it again, I will say that. Or maybe it was that I was more careful at hiding them?!

My Youngest cried just a couple years ago at not getting enough presents. She was 19!

 

[bran155]

I know how you feel completely!!! When my daughter was about 14 we were opening her presents and I could have choked her. She was just making faces and tossing her presents about as if they were trash. We spent about $1,100 on that ungrateful stinker. I stood as long as I could and then left the room crying as she began making comments like: "why would you buy me this?", "I don't want this", "where is the good stuff" and so on... I was devastated!!! She crushed my heart.

They make you want to bring everything back and do nothing at all for them!!

I hope the morning goes better for you.

Have a wonderful holiday and God bless.

 

[meowbunny]

I think it is the general attitude of kids his age. I could never live with myself if I took the "big" present away from my child. I didn't buy the gift because my child was good, but because I loved her and I wanted to see the joy on her face when she opened that present. I'm sure your motives were the same. Why deprive yourself because he's still at a very selfish age?

I will say I never thought my daughter would "get it," but she has. It no longer is about what is there for her but rather if others like what she has gotten them and she will now sacrifice to give the gift. She started about 3 years ago with her friends. It has finally spilled over to giving me something. She's so excited this year that she's nagging me to open my presents. She's very frustrated that I'm refusing to do so.

Hang in there. He will grow up and show that your thoughtfulness when he was younger was worth all the tribulation.

 

[wakeupcall]

Thanks, everyone. At least I don't feel alone and that this is normal....whatever that is. We bought him things because we love him, also, but I get so angry that he seems so flip over it. I think this holiday just needs to be over and done with. It stresses me to the max!

 

[Andy]

May be too late for this year, however for next year: Just a thought - it seems that your difficult child is more into the quantity rather than the quality? If you went to the dollar tree and bought a bunch of gifts there I wonder if it would be easier on him? Or, does he have a plan for ALL the gifts? Does he demand all his wishes being granted on this one day of the year (besides birthday?) If so, my plan will not work.

This year you might be able to explain to him that you had so much money to spend and decided to put it into one gift. However, since he is a difficult child and obsessed in his world, he probably won't understand.

For the kids who are disrespectful during gift opening, I think it would be o.k. to stop the event and say, "O.K., presents are done. People spent lots of love and time picking these out for you. Since you obviously don't want them, I will not allow you to torture yourself. Give me what you have opened and I will take them and the unopened down to Salvation Army. I am sure there is someone out there who will appreciate them."

 

[wakeupcall]

This is a great idea! He's already back-peddling this evening because he knows how ticked off I am about it. I wonder how he'd like it if I told him that there are plenty of others who would LOVE to have his presents!!

 

[klmno]

Yep- it doesn't hurt to give them an occasional friendly reminder that Christmas is not about THEM; it is about forgiving, helping, and loving others. And knowing that we should be that way because we are forgiven, helped, and loved.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there.
Just a thought. You already got some good ideas about the presents.
It's not normal for a 13 year old to cry and whine about not getting presents. Well, it wasn't for me. I've already raised four kids to at least 12 and that didn't happen even when they were younger, but by 13 they had learned patience and nobody, not even my son on the autism spectrum, did that. Also, at thirteen I think he's either got to be fooling you about Santa or there is more wrong with him than ADHD. That is developmentally way "out there." At school they talked about "no Santa" with all my kids by fourth grade. in my opinion this child has a lot more going on that his diagnosis. indicates. Some, not all, kids can act ungrateful about presents. Mine never did. They were more "take it for granted" but they always thanked us and acted really excited. Your son isn't "getting it." He isn't up to his peers developmentally in his emotions and is acting more like a child too (JMO). When all the holidays are over I'd take him for another evaluation. I'm thinking he may have Aspergers or another forom of high functioning autism. And that would explain his behavior. I think it's more a lack of "not getting it" than "entitlement" as ALL kids get presents on Christmas and many are very spoiled. If you have talked to him about Santa not being real and he still thinks he is, that's a clue, in my opinion, that something is "off." I never heard of a thriteen year old that believed in Santa who was developmentally normal.
I feel something is wrong with him beyond entitlement and ungratefulness. I'll bet if you gave him a neuropsychologist evaluation at his age, the diagnosis would change.
I wouldn't punish him. As the others said, you bought the presents because you love him. And maybe he can't help how he behaves, at least not 100%. You are describing in my opinion the behavior of a much younger child. (((Hugs))) and try to enjoy your Christmas. And I hope you consider a new evaluation in 2009!!!

 

[wakeupcall]

MWM, I'd like to explore this a little further, but since it's Christmas difficult child is lurking. You could have something there, because he won't discuss his adoption either. That also is like he doesn't get it.

I shall return. Thanks!

 

[wakeupcall]

difficult child acts extremely immature. I can see it more and more the older he gets and his peers are going off and leaving him. He's always had poor social skills, though we work on it all the time.

I mentioned he still talks about Santa and not "getting it".... Although we've told him he was adopted and given him every opportunity to discuss it, he's never done so. Once in a blue moon he will say a sentence or two in reference to his bio mom, but it's fleeting. I have a fear of bringing up more that he could NOT understand yet I feel badly that he doesn't know that he has bio siblings. I've always been afraid of putting him in overload. I don't want to short-change difficult child, but how does one know if I'm doing nothing but confusing him even further? He's in a social development class in his intermediate school and is doing well according to his teacher. He makes all A's and B's. He has one friend who's been a friend for over two years now, but he has no others really.

Today his anxiety has been out the roof last night and today. He got up three times to see if Santa had been here (waking me up each time). He slept on his bedroom floor in the threshold of the door so that he didn't miss anything. Before going to bed he made sure the fire was out in the fireplace so Santa could get down without burning his clothing. This is no joke; the boy is very serious.

I wish I had answers........don't we all?

 

[Andy]

Next year arrange it so he "catches" you wrapping Santa gifts and/or putting out Santa presents. Maybe while shopping ask what he would like for his stocking, "I like to put things in your stocking that you like."

My difficult child stated he wanted Rock Band for Wii and a breadmaker for Christmas. I asked him which one and he said, "Both, you get one and Mrs. Santa gets one." Later he told me that in public he refers to me as Mrs. Santa in case some kid who still believes is listening. He doesn't want to create doubt. It is o.k. to not believe in Santa and still get Santa gifts.

 

[wakeupcall]

That's a WONDERFUL way to put it to him. I'll even try to bring it up tonight that he can not believe in Santa and still get gifts from him next year! Maybe that would take the pressure off both of us! Thanks so much for that insight.

 

[BusynMember]

Wakeupcall, my son is also adopted. Was your son exposed to substances in utero? If so, he could have fetal alcohol syndrome or have a very high chance of being on the autism spectrum. Drug use while pregnant causes a much higher rate of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I adopted four kids. The only one who never even talked about his adoption was my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son, however he does know what it means. And he knows there is no Santa (but not until I told him at age 11!!!!). Still, he believed me. Please make sure you do see a neuropsychologist, and make sure you bring as much info about his pre-birth and birthfamily as you know. Frankly, my son is 15 and I think he was ahead of yours developmentally (emotionally) BUT he is still far behind his peers, and he may be naive all his life. We waver between thinking "He's GOT it, he'll be able to be independent" to "He's going to need a little help even as an adult." I suspect he'll need a shared apartment/assisted living as, although he has come really far, he still have some life skill/social skill deficits that he can't help. They are not being "bad." They are that he is wired differently from other people.
We had a state adoption worker stay with us one night as she brought a boy we were thinking of adopting. She told us that almost all adopted kids are labeled ADHD. She said "If we don't give them any label at all, they know we're lying. But if we give them a scary label, the kids won't get adopted." So they aren't always truthful with us.

 

[wakeupcall]

We adopted difficult child at birth, private adoption. The mother swears no drugs or alcohol, but the father is an alcoholic and was in prison for drugs. What do you think? Yea, me too. No one will diagnosis anything but what's in my signature. I think that's so because he makes such good grades and can schmooze with the best of them. At home, with his hair all down, watch out. One of the biggest issues we're having right now is his treatment of me. He's so annoying I can hardly take it any longer, despite my intense love for him. He treats me like a sister with little this and that. For instance, he snaps his fingers in my face each time he passes. If he's sitting beside me he blows in my face or something like that. He looks straight at me and swings at the dog. Just stuff.....and it never ends and it's the same every single day...nonstop. No one has a clue what it's like, except those here on this board.

An hour ago or so I told him "It's okay if you don't believe there's a real Santa, you will still get presents with Santa's name on them next year..." after Andy's suggestion. Less than ten minutes later he asked me if Santa got him the skateboard or if I did. *Sigh* Maybe he's making me crazy on purpose!!!! It's working.

 

[BusynMember]

in my opinion, you need to see a neuropsychologist who can see the signs of a child who may have been exposed to drugs and alcohol. While it's possible that birthmother was clean, many birthmothers just don't tell the truth. She may have had a lot of drinks before she found out she was pregnant. Or she may think that getting drunk or high a few times won't hurt the fetus. It's not true, but many people think so. Or the birthfather could have some disorder and have passed it along to your son. He really sounds "out of it" for a child his age. Does he have any academic deficits at all? Did he have any trouble with speech when he was little? Does he know how to converse with people in a give and take conversation? Does he have a lot of interests or does he sort of focus on one or two things, such as videogames or the computer and some television shows. Can he memorize his television shows? Does he talk to himself in his room or make strange high pitched noises or click his tongue or rock or do any annoying repetitive things? How is his eye contact? Does he like to be cuddled? He's pretty old for that so did he EVER like to be cuddled? What kind of baby was he? Did he play normally with toys or did he not play with toys or line them up?
His behavior is bizarre in many ways, and I am pretty sure that his big picture has not been found out. Has he EVER seen a neuropsychologist? As soon as the holiday season is over, I'd schedule an appointment with one. 13 year olds just don't act that way. I've had five kids reach age twelve and in my opinion your son's behavior is at least half his age, if that. The Santa thing is beyond strange. It's like you tell him, but he doesn't "get it." Once you tell a child there is no Santa he doesn't act like there is one. And your son MUST hear at school that parents buy the gifts. What type of professionals diagnosed your son? Sorry to be nosy. I'm trying to help

 

[wakeupcall]

Oh no, no, no......you're not being nosey a bit. I welcome the help!

We know the father's family quite well and don't know the mother's family hardly at all. The bio father is a flop of a person, that's all I can say. Lots of run-ins with the law, alcohol, abused a wife, used drugs though I don't know which ones.

The biggest academic deficit seems to be comprehension, but he's managing so far. We're lucky to finally get a teacher (male) who works with him in ways that difficult child can learn, unlike the normal classroom. He can carry on a conversation as long as he's interested in the subject. If not, he'll change the subject in the middle of a conversation. He had no speech delays of any kind. He doesn't really hyperfocus, I don't think. He watches tv some, plays video games, but can give it up and walk away rather easily. He DOES get an interest and beat it to death. Right now it's going fishing and he'll drop anything that he's doing to go fishing with his father. I guess I saw that as a good thing.....clean fun and healthy.

He's never seen a neuropsychologist, but had a multi-disciplinary evaluation. done at TX Children's Hospital when he was about six or so. They didn't come up with much. He's been on medications since the age of four and has had intense therapy lasting many years, however; I've stopped his therapy for the time being. We weren't getting anywhere and I'm saving the "lifetime office visits" (insurance-wise) for perhaps a more needy time in his life (15 or 16 years old??).

He makes eye contact pretty well. He only has one friend. He has ongoing encopresis. He's very affectionate. He torments our two Yorkies mercilessly. He often sleeps on the floor in his room rather than in his bed. He calls me often through the day from his cell in the school's bathroom. I'm just waiting for him to get caught, but I can't get him to stop. He calls me every day at 4:00 when the school bell rings and before he gets on the bus. Yes, severe separation anxiety. He's been this way (with me) since he could walk and I've never, ever left him. I just can't hang my hat on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), though.

Now you know more than you ever wanted to know! It helps me sometimes to see it in black & white! When you live with it day in and day out you don't see it so clearly. If I'd not had two "normal" children to compare him with, I'd think someone was out to get me to have given me such a child. I love him so and I will do anything to help him.

 

[BusynMember]

Hmmmmmmm. I don't see Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) there. I'm not a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) fan just because a kid is adopted. They tried that with us, and we just laughed. Son is so bonded to us that he had already passed something they call a "bonding assessment." If a child is bonded to you at around two years old and you leave them, they cry. Well, we were at the agency and they told hub and I to leave the room and he chased after us and screamed and banged on the door. "Mommy!!!! Mommy!!!!" He couldn't really talk, but that he said. More than they bargained for...hehe. He is 15 now and certainly NOT Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

I'd take him to a neuropsychologist. Your son hasn't been totally, intensively evaluated since he was six, and a lot has changed since then. They get better, more accurate information as they get older. The talking non-stop about HIS topic and then getting bored when people talk about THEIR interests is common with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), and he may have it, but it could be something else. I'd just take the plunge and have the 6-10 hours of testing. A good Neuro tests at least that long, and it's not just talk therapy, which is not a good way to diagnose. The bio. father has some ominous genes, and your child's behavior, as a whole, is very puzzling and way young. I'd want to know what's going on as he is getting into those dangerous teen years--and then, of course, you can't help him anymore at all once he becomes an older teen. Then if he doesn't want help you can't get it for him. Good luck