Suspect difficult child has financial difficulties

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by in a daze, Mar 7, 2015.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    So he's been very much looking forward to his large income tax refund. He expected us to hand it over without delay.

    The thing is, we suspect he has a large credit card bill and is buying certain legal, but very expensive and questionable supplements. We have no concrete proof of this, just some circunstantial evidence. He has his own account that his paycheck goes into, and I handle his SSI account as his representative trustee, so he doesn't see that one. We told him we are willing to give him the refund but HONESTY and fortrightness is required.

    He's trying to manipulate us to the nth degree, saying that if he doesn't get the refund no questions asked it will set him back, this was a surprise that we weren't going to just hand over the refund, he was just starting to feel better and make plans, etc. etc.

    He really doesn't know how much he's getting back. Some of it by right will be kept to pay rent etc. as his SSI check doesn't pay all the rent. This is part of the reason why he was buying his groceries at Walgreens when he was picking up his prescriptions. So sneaky.

    I don't mind giving him money for outings, etc. but I just don't trust him this time. Help us stay strong.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    IAD, I am my autistic son's payee. My son is independent in most areas, but he can't manage money. If he had control of it, he'd spend it all at once and his rent, food, and electric would not get paid. I also have the responsibility of handing out any money he gets for outings. What I do is only give him enough for what is reasonable for a young man for a weekend. I take him shopping...he buys groceries and puts some of the money leftover on his own debit card. I check what is left in the bank and hand out his weekend cash. Usually it is $30-$40, depending on what he says he's doing. Now he is good for what he says he's doing.

    If I were your son's payee, I'd probably tell him to write a list of what he needs and order them myself, if it doesn't seem like it is, say, legal pot. There is no reason for him to have a chunk of money, just like there is no reason for Sonic to have a chunk of money. My son is NOT difficult or defiant, but impulsive and obsessed with videogames. If he had too much access to his money he'd spend it all on videogames. I can't tell you how much the guys at Game Stop love him...lol. I know when he is buying videogames and I don't care, but he also needs enough money to live on. That's why I am his payee...he can't make good monetary decisions.

    Can't you take control of all of your son's money? In this case, you actually do have some control over what he does, just as I do. I try not to be a Czar, you know, but Sonic can't do it himself or he would be doing it himself. So I still have to treat him like a minor when it comes to money and a few other things (very few).

    Think hard about what to do. You don't have to do ANYTHING today...now. You should know by now that you will not get the truth out of your son. The only way you will know what he wants to order is the list. If you chose to give him the money, do it and let it go. It''s done. When he blows it, too bad. Not your circus, not your moneky (or vice versa. Forgot which way it goes, but you get the idea) :)
     
  3. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    MWM, he nets 170.00 a week from his job at the grocery store which he has held for almost a year. He is to feed himself and buy toiletries, entertainment, cigarettes etc. out of his salary. It's complicated because he got a lump sum from SS which I have 9 months to spend and that goes for rent and bus card, health club membership. We still were supplementing his income because the SSI still didn't cover the rent. We were talking to his case worker and she was working with him on budgeting. We were going to ask him to start contributing in the spring to the bus card but now I have to spend this lump sum.

    He does have some impulsivity issues, I think, just like your son. He texted us that he needed 100.00 in his account to cover purchases because he checked online for his refund and thought it was going straight to his Chase account when we had it sent to SSI account and therefore spent the money before it was even in his account.

    (Quote)
    Think hard about what to do. You don't have to do ANYTHING today...now. You should know by now that you will not get the truth out of your son. The only way you will know what he wants to order is the list. If you chose to give him the money, do it and let it go. It''s done. When he blows it, too bad. Not your circus, not your moneky (or vice versa. Forgot which way it goes, but you get the idea) :)





    So we deposited 100.00 in his Chase liquid account and now he says he will be forthcoming (yeah, right, we'll see). He's coming down today to go to friend's birthday party with his friend who happens to be pregnant and can't drink. I'll let husband get the truth out of him. He works for a government agency and is used to negotiating with people.
     
  4. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    You don't trust him for a reason! They say if you have that gut feeling, that is what you should follow. I think you should add it to the SSI account. You know better than he does that emergencies happen and that is what the money should be used for - some future emergency where he needs the money. (or open a separate account for emergencies if you need to) Sounds like this money should go for something other than what Difficult Child "wants" because bank of mom and dad have been subsidizing the rent for quite a while. An emergency fund could help put a stop to that need.
     
  5. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    2much, it's going straight to his SS account which only I have access to.

    He didn't bring it up again this weekend. He says he's cut down on the supplements. Time will tell.
     
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