the role of money are our estrangements and/or difficult adult children

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Jul 16, 2016.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The more stories I read on the estranged sites, the more I talk to people in real life and the more I read here, I wonder how many difficult children would be around for us at all if not for our money, if in fact we have enough to have shelled it out or bought him/her a new car or paid their rent. Or even paid off drug dealers. It has been on my mind lately.

    I know t hat Bart and Princess, both children of ex and me, both sort of play carefully with ex because he has so much money and they need it sometimes. Neither of them like him, although they love him. But they both admit he is not somebody they can talk to. Princess lives near him and complains that, even though she has a frisky toddler, he expects her to come over on Sundays with her SO and do favors for him. She hates cutting hair. That was her first job. He is the only person whose hair s he will cut, but each time she does it, she gets very upset. His house is not baby proof and the baby runs all over, even near the plugs. Her boyfriend is in IT so if the computer needs fixing, he expects t hem there to do it. Even if t hey were both up with baby all night. And when Bart of Princess have problems, they both tell me it is impossible to talk to him, he doesn't get it, he doesn't care. So they tell me. Bart will often ask me to call ex, because I know best how to handle him, in order to make sure his dad isn't going to pull the plug on his credit card which is paying for his custody battle. He threatens to do it all the time.

    Honestly, if I acted like him, demanding and granting favors with conditions, I'm not sure they'd even talk to me. I think they would, but who knows? Money is huge.

    I would not want to be loved th e way ex is loved. His kids don't have close emotional connections to him. He is there if they need money. If he had no money, I'm sure Gone Boy wouldn't even deal with him. I'm glad he is there to help Bart in his custody battle because I couldn't. I'm gl ad he has money to help Princess when she is in a bind, because I don't have extra money at all. Princess, at least, just HATES asking for it. She feels guilty asking and knows it comes with a price. But she asks.In return, he asks for a lot of time that they'd rather spend together on the weekends with their daughter. I can't go into all that he expects. Suffice to say, I'd never ask them to do any of what he asks. I could demad a haircut too when I visit Princess and she's good-hearted and she'd do it, b ut she hates it. I can afford $20 to cut my hair. Ex can afford a lot more and he knows how she hates to cut hair, especially since he is fussy. He calls them actually all the time for little things that could wait and they drop everything and go because they feel he has given to them so they have to...

    My youngest two are from my current marriage and both are very cautious about asking for money and never did. We do make sure we have enough to give them nice presents and money in case of emergencies, but if they had to go to court or needed being bailed out of jail (thankfully never happen), we just couldn't. Maybe they love us the most because they are always there and our relationships with Sonic and Jumper are not about money.

    I know others who only see certain of their kids when perks are involved. They are not all difficult kids either. They are kids who, like most people, want free things. But in divorce cases, I know soooooooooo many mothers who are dumped for even abusive fathers if the father has the golden egg. I know adult children who thrive who still cling to an abusive father because he gives and gives and buys and buys. One womans kids saw her husband beat on her. The k ids used to try to pull him off of her and cried at him to st op hurting Mom. Now she never sees them. They are in their last years of college and have new cars and name brand clothes and who knows what else. Jumper knkows them and calls them brats. The father has told the girls that it's him or their mother...if they see the mother, they are cut off (money wise). Guess who they chose? A son of hers sticks by her. He is the only one.

    This particular father was a suspect in a deadly hit and run accident, but was never charged because there wasn't enough proof. He also is known for doing drugs. But he has a very successful business.

    It gives me the chills to think about our kids....the money....following the money. I'm almost glad we have none (and when I say we have none, I mean we have no savings), because we KNOW our kids love us, not for what we can offer, but because they love who we are.

    We are a hardworking blue collar pair, always emotionally t here, but no cars for the kids, they had to work at sixteen, they did get special we would save up our tax returns to get Jumper her Homecoming and Prom dresses and we always get our pets vaccinated out of the tax refund. But if something unexpected comes up that they need, we don't have it, nor do we have anyone to borrow from. So they have learned to take care of themselves and work hard. I'm glad Jumper is going into a good profession and that her serious boyfriend has a nice paying job. I digress...

    Sooooooooooooo many divorces end with the kids siding with the monied parent, even the parent had been horrible before the split.

    Well, maybe I'm just venting. It seems as if kids nowadays mostly love their parents for what they can get from them. Goneboy certainly did.

    I wondered about other ideas. Or even if anyone else has any ideas about this. I may be the only one who thinks about it. I just spoke with the woman who has not seen her daughters for years due to their choosing the bad guy father with all the cash. And both girls are not in trouble and are doing well in college, but I know Jumper never liked them very much. I do think one of the two girls got into a bit of trouble with drugs, but the word is that she isn't in any trouble can you do this to your mother? Her mother was the one who raised her. Dad wasn't home.

    Dad, by the way, is on divorce #3. The current wife asked the mother if she'd testify that he abused her in court, but she said she was too afraid of him. If you know him, you'd get it. Yet people who don't know, think of him as this great smiley guy who has a bonanaza business and lots of cool man toys...
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2016
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Your thoughts are well founded. I don't have experience with divorce per d only, but certainly have seen it tear children apart. Money is a can do good, it can harm...and it is a necessary in society.

    You can't take it wiith you. Wonder what would happen if ex were broke suddenly? He is only hurting himself in the long run...his. children Don't respect him the way they do you.

    I was raised by a single parent when it wasn't so accepted. I was always put first. She loves our children...even my struggling one, she has little money but gives more than my husband's well to do parents.They would never understand addiction, but they are alcoholics.

    On the flipside...if my husband didn't have a good job with insurance, we wouldn't have been able to help our son through the hospital's and rehab. Don't get me wrong...We sold stuff and scraped money together to get him the help he needs...he's family and our child.

    I bet your ex is charming to most and comes off as a great guy...I'm sure he is bit narcissistic also. Until you know him you don't see the reAl him......
  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Wow, SWOT, it all sounds pretty toxic with ex.

    We have a friend who was very financially successful -- large house in the expensive part of town, vacation home in the mountains, lots of expensive trips, private school for the kids, etc. He was also overworked, extremely unhappy and an alcoholic. When he got sober, he cut down his work hours and the money tree got a lot more sparse. His wife did not like that. They ended up divorcing and he gave her just about every asset they had accumulated. His ex has since passed away, but his kids (now grown with kids of their own) still treat him like crap, unless they need something. It is all very sad to watch.

    I remember I heard someone say once, the only good thing about cancer and bankruptcy is you find out who your real friends are. I guess sometimes that applies to family too.
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Well, my mother had money. It never phased me. I was not money motivated. When she hurt me, my mother, I hightailed away. My sister was always there for whatever she could get. It was conditional for her, the relationship. My mother never realized it until the end, when my sister dropped her like a hot potato as she died, because what was the point of even seeing her or talking to her or even saying goodbye--the money would all come to her anyway from the will?
    Well, M was very successful in Mx. He did everything for his family. He ended up feeling used. Like his kids only loved him for what he gave them. He built or bought houses for the 4 or 5 older children. When he left, the younger kids said--where is my house? You owe me. OK. If you don't want to get me the house, you can give me the money instead.

    What a joke. Then there was no money. The wife had spent it all, except a 23 room house which M let her have. He has nothing. She drained the bank accounts. She sold his business and the warehouse where it was located. All of it gone.

    Even when he first came to this country undocumented he was still sending all of his money to Mexico and the wife told the kids he did not send anything. His sisters (here in USA) many times sent the money for him. There are receipts. But still the wife told the kids their Dad sent nothing to her. Half of his kids reject him.

    We are trying now to help the kids when they need it. We just sent $600 to help pay for the operation a little grandson needs. I expect nothing. We send it because it is the right thing to do. I do it for M. And I guess for his kids who I do not know, and I would guess, have little love for me.

    So in my experience it is a mixed bag. Money and kids. My mother's money made no difference to me. My son cares not at all about any money I might have. To my sister and many of M's children it was everything.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Copa...I said kids today. I know so many examples. I mean the millineums and younger. The people raised by boomers.

    Albatross, its not great with my ex. The man I described who made his girls choose his money or never see their mother again wasnt me. Ex and I get along pretty well.
  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I am sorry I misunderstood that, SWOT.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    M is a boomer. He is your age, SWOT, months apart.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    But his kids arent.

    When you didnt care about your mothers money, you were not being raised by a boomer. Boomer kids seem to follow the money.
  9. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    I think that mostly through the ages the money has been the draw for many kids to their parents. Then you get land involved and you've got a whole other set of dynamics. I think with my Difficult Child he is always wanting something. My daughter on the other hand is very giving to me and she graciously accepts my gifts. Even as a young child she would want something in the store but then she would say, "That's okay momma - we can get it later." My son however, would be yelling and screaming out the store always wanting something. Such polar opposites of fulfilled and unfullfilled.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Miss KT did not follow the money. Hubby and I are financially stable, but we are not rich. Useless Boy's family is. His mother is still supporting him, and he will be 57 this year. Because of the planning and foresight of her beloved Granddad, Miss KT's college was paid for. Her Granddad has been gone eleven years.

    Miss KT barely speaks to her father, and calls her grandmother once a month, because as she was growing up, I insisted she "be polite." I hear from her several times a day, as does my mother.
  11. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Well think like this how much do you work to earn the money you earn now imagine earning that much by putting 1/3 of the time and work.It does not sound bad and its acceptable. Is it said that milenials do not know the value of hard work I think they do and they do not like it that is why when a easier way its opened for them they take it.
    Now this is why your kids do it but your husband does it because he does not know of any other way to keep them close to him I am sure he loves them very much and he is afraid to lose them so he uses his money as leverage.
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    If you don't like the strings attached, don't take the money. Find a way to make extra money. If you take the money, think of the strings as that "extra" job you would have had to work to earn it.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Naw. My ex isn't a deep thinker. He is sure he wont lose them and hes right...they would not abandon him. However I do think my daughter would not do as much for him if she didnt feel indebted. She has said so to me. At times she does tell him no way. Her daughter comes first.

    On the other hand ex can be manipulatinve so maybe you are right, A Dad. What he doesnt know is that he is not emotionally close to them. He doesn't need to figure it out. But he knows very little about the goings on in their lives. They dont bother telling him as he doesnt get it.
  14. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Did he not leveraged his money so Gone Boy will not abandon him?
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No. Goneboy is already a millionaire. He never asks for monry. But he does want to be included after his father is gone. And he knows he wont be if he cuts him msybe in a way you are right after all.