Ug Ug Ug more drama

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by crazymama30, Aug 17, 2011.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    So husband was being good about being gone, being annoying with wanting to text all the time, but really? I was shocked at how well he was doing.

    That was too good to last.

    I went to bed last night and was almost asleep, and was woken up by him trying to climb in my window!!! I told him to get out, he would not. I could smell the booze on his breath, and he can be scary when he is drunk. He would not leave, so I called 911. He ripped the fan out of the window and threw it across the room. Police came, he was gone, said to call them if he came back.

    About an hr or a little less later, I went outside to smoke and saw husband drive by and stop. I ran in and locked the windows and doors (I thought). A few minutes later I heard a noise from the back of the house. My window was not locked. husband was in the hallway. He was not threatening at this point, just kept wanting me to listen to him. I told him to leave several times, he would not, so I called 911 again. While I had the dispatcher on the line I got him out of the house. I turned before I shut the door and he was running back up to the door. I locked and deadbolted the door and he started to try to kick it in. The door almost gave and cracked, and then he left.

    The police came and took photos and did catch him. He is charged with DUII, criminial mischief and criminal trespass. I had to take out the deadbolt to open the door, and the door is cracked and ruined. I have been shaking on and off ever since. I have filled out the restraining order paperwork and will turn it in tomorrow. I also am a witness to the grand jury as some of his charges are felonies. I have to appear tomorrow at 9:45, will turn in the restraining order paper work at the same time, and then I hope I can make my 11am appointment to get difficult child set up with wrap around.

    It was a horrible night. difficult child was terrified last night, he slept with me and has not done that in ages. easy child was upset with me originally, but by morning she was over that and realized that her dad made his own choices. They both get upset with me randomly, and just upset randomly. I am glad that we are safe, he is in jail and will hopefully be there a while. The da called me and asked if I thought husband was suicidal. I said I was sure he was. However? There problem not mine.

    I will not live the life we were, it will not happen. I don't care who I have to testify in front of, I will not be bullied and my children will not be tormented. I am done playing nice. Now I mean business, and it will not be pretty. I hate to think of the fallout when the kids figure out I testified against their dad. In a way? It is the only way he will stay alive and not be able to harm himself. He is on a path to self destruct quickly if he keeps on going the way he is.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry. You are doing EXACTLY the right thing to protect yourself and your kids. It is normal and natural for them to be upset with you at times. Regarding testifying against their dad, you have NO CHOICE unless you want him to continue to hurt you and the kids the way he is. I hoep you and the kids are all seeing a good therapist or tdocs. If so, PLEASE sit down with the therapist that sees the kids and explain that you are testifying and it is to protect your kids and have the therapist help you tell the kids in a way that they can understand that you are doing this not to be mean, but to protect them AND to get your husband under some supervision so he cannot kill himself or hurt himself. The therapist should be able to help you tell the kids in a way they will understand best. If no therapist to help (or not one they really trust) then follow your instincts but be sure that YOU tell them and they are not left to be surprised by husband or some crony on his side who will blindside them with "your daddy only went to jail because your mommy told a pack of lies to the judge and jury". YOU need to tell them the truth FIRST so they are armed because someone at some point WILL tell them that. Either husband will to get sympathy from them or to make you miserable or else he will have some relative or friend do it.

    I have seen a good friend go through this as an adult and she told her kids up front what she had to do and why -to keep him from hurting them or her and to keep him from hurting himself. I also have an aunt who did much of this but DIDN"T tell my cousin and he blamed her up until he was an adult when she finally told him how it really was back then. It is ten years since my friend told her kids and they were MUCH better off for it than my cousin who had a LOT of hate and blame because his dad and his dad's friends/new wife all said his mom did it out of spite and lied etc.... . My aunt didn't tell him because she didn't want him dragged into adult things and she had NO idea wehre all the anger/blame/ugliness came from except when gfgbro or I would hear cousin talk about it we would tell her or our mom.

    So I have seen it both ways -tellign them, in ways they can understand at their ages, is the best in the long run for their health and lives.

    I am so sorry all this has to happen. I hope they don't give him bail again, but they likely will. PLEASE call 911 at the first sight of him from now on, don't wait for him to start coming up to the house - he is too much on the edge.

    (((((hugs))))) If your doctor hasn't given you something to help with the anxiety, please ask. Just because husband abused medications does NOTmean all medications for anxiety are bad.
  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    ((big hugs))) The main thing is that you and the kids are safe and continue to stay safe. Do you think they'll keep him in jail for a while? Maybe you'll know more tomorrow. I agree with telling the kids enough information so they keep themselves safe. All of you should keep your phones on yourselves at all times when he gets out. Someone behaving like he is may not care about a restraining order. I agree about calling 911 at the first sight of him. I hope you can have a peaceful night.
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Susie, I have anxiety medications, but I am so tired I cannot take them untill a bit later. I usually do fine with them, but if I take them when I am tired they zonk me.

    Thank you for the idea of why to tell the kids I am testifying. I had not thought of those reasons, it is hard to think right now, and I will tell them but I will wait untill I am done. I have to get through it first.

    I will call 911 if I see him period. That is why I am getting the restraining order. I am done. Done talking, texting, done with it all.

    Bail, they will give him bail, but he will not be able to get it. I am sure they will release him sooner than later, but I have a feeling it will be awhile. The nurse from the jail called and asked me if I could bring his clozaril. After I went bezerk on her for having the nerve to call me? I said I would bring it today but from here on it is up to them. I do not want anything to do with him or his care at all. Said that he still has inurance they can use to get his medications, but don't ask me to get refills or do anything. She said that would not be a problem and was very grateful I had brought the pills.

    I am so done I am just done. I am not going to allow my life or children's lives to be lived in this manner. End of story.
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    (((((HUGS)))))) What a scary night.

    #1 Did you ask to testify? or did they call you? Generally the DA decides who will testify, and if you are asked, then it is your civil duty to do so.
    #2 Will you be lying or telling the truth? In court you swear under oath to tell the truth.
    #3 It is the only way he will stay alive and not be able to harm himself.

    So, it's out of your hands, what you are going to say is true, and ultimately it protects their father (not in a fun way but it does protect him)

    I had similar concerns with my kids (still do). Unfortunately mine are too young to know the details, so they have to trust me. Fortunately they do, but I'm sure they question it on occasion and certainly will in the future.

    Make it clear that it is your job to protect them and you will always do so to the best of your ability. You will do your job of protecting them honestly and legally. Since your kids are older and can understand their father's poor choices, I think you'll have less fallout than you expect.
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Keista, they called me and I agreed to. It is very short notice, tommorrow morning, but I don't care. I will be there. They wanted my mom to testify, probably with the theft charges, but she had a knee replacement Tuesday and will not be out of the hospital untill Friday (she is doing well).

    I hate all this, but he has forced my hand.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Holy cow!
    Just when you thought things were good and you'd kicked him out. And he climbs in the window???
    I can imagine how terrified your kids were. I am so sorry.
    You are doing all the right things.
    Many hugs.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You are handling this amazingly.....and I mean that from the deepest depths
    of my soul....
    I have been in the exact same situation, and i know......I know exactly how hard it are amazing.
  9. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am so proud of you for your actions to protect yourself and your kids. Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back. I agree with what has been said so far about the kids. Not telling them could be very disastrous. Tell them what they can handle in a way that does not "lay blame" but make sure they understand how "sick" he is.

    Kudos to you and many, many {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to all of you.
  10. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!


    I am so glad you and the kids are o.k.!

    Have you thought about getting your cell # changed? That way he can't even SEND you a text and you won't even have to think about it.

    You might also want to think about getting a dog that does not have any connection to him so that if he should ever come around again you are alerted. I'm thinking a really big, growling, snarling, loudly barking when there's a stranger on the property kind of dog. And a motion light on the back door, front door, side door, driveway, rooftop (you get the idea).

    Hope all goes well tomorrow -- I'll be thinking of you and cheering you on! It's time to take your life back.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and good thoughts for tomorrow, CM.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dog isnt a bad idea. Might make the kids feel more secure.

    You are doing the right thing even if it feels like the hardest thing on the planet right now. The kids will understand in time. I am sure there are books out there. Heavens there are books out there about everything now. Might wanna check amazon to see.
  13. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Also sending my support to you and the kids.
  14. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about the continuing drama. I hate what alcohol/drug addictions can do to a person. It's not the person you met & fell in love destroys your relationship in all ways.

    Sending big (((hugs))) & know I'm sitting on your shoulder as you testify.

    (by the way, you may want to give the wrap team a head's up about your testifying in case you're late.)
  15. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    TL, I was going ask first thing if I can get to an appointment at 11am, and if not I will rescedule it. People are usually very understanding when it is court stuff, especially this kind of court stuff and a grand jury to boot!

    And you are too right about addictions. He is not the person he was, and I simply cannot believe he will ever be the real him again. It is too risky, and I have spent too much time and energy waiting for that. I can't even hope for that anymore if I try, it is gone.

    The dog is a good idea, but we already have 4 dogs and that is too many. There is really no way we can get another dog. The restraining order is the best I can do, and it will make him angry that I have it and could actually make things worse, but at least when I call the police it is documented and they will hurry out and arrest him. I hate restraining orders, I think that they are very abused, but I also know that mine is warranted and have no qualms about getting it.

    I just wish there was not so much to do today. Mom comes home from the hospital tomorrow, and I really need to get the house ready for her and I have not had much of a chance to do that. She will be using a walker and I need to be sure that she can get around with it. I will have to find the time sometime today to do that. Not sure when. but I will. I told her about him coming over drunk, but have not told her yet that the front door needs replaced. I will have to do that today when I go see her, it would be not fair to bring her home and then realize the door is broken. I have a feeling I will be replacing the front door this weekend. Oh well. It does not sound too hard. Unscrew the old, screw in the new.

    After I first kicked husband out I felt like life was surreal for several days, like it was all a bad dream and I could not wake up. I am now getting that feeling again, and I don't like it. I have to force myself to snap out of it so I can do what I need to. I just want it all to go away. I know it will at some point, but it will not be quick.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive thoughts and hugs your way. I'm so sorry you are facing all this trauma but really proud of you for wearing your Warrior Mom outfit! DDD
  17. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    Wow - you are handling so much and doing it with such strength. ((hugs))
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sweetie, are you working with the local domestic violence center? If not, PLEASE get in touch iwth them and let them help. It will help the kids too and is free. I know you are super busy but this is important. here they will come and replace your door for you after an ordeal like you went through.

    You can usually get nice door pretty cheap if there is a Habitat for Humanity Re-Store near you. Plus the people who volunteer there may even help you install it. Ours do in cases wehre it is important as it is for you.
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I totally agree, and how sad: It's not the person you met & fell in love destroys your relationship in all ways.

    And it's great that you are aware that the restraining order will make him mad and could make things worse, but you can use it for documentation. So many people mistakenly believe that restraining orders really restrain. In my experience, very seldom do people honor them.

    Bravo. And hugs.
  20. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Do you have or can you get an alarm system It seems like you may need it. I'm sorry you are going through this.