Update of sorts.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Jun 24, 2014.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I'm not really even sure where to begin. There's really nothing "new" to report. I haven't had complete "no contact" with difficult child but it has been very limited. He texts here and there and I sometimes respond but he rarely calls. I've only spoken to him twice on the phone since he returned, today being one of those times. He was in a pretty upbeat mood. I asked him how he's doing and he said he's fine. He is currently "living" at the train station 3 towns away from here and occasionally spends a night or two with a friend. Last night was one of those nights and he got to sleep and eat and shower and he's feeling pretty good today he said. He sounds like he has a cold and I asked him and he said he thinks he does but he's fine. As he was telling me these things I couldn't help but think (for the millionth time) how f'd up this situation really is. It's like here we are, mother and son, and this has become the "norm" for us. He's homeless and lives at the train station yet if you were listening in you would think he's just away on a trip or something. It's insane. Complete insanity and when the reality hits me it always hits me hard.

    He told me his friend and his friend's mother are going to help him get a room at the boarding house in that town. The mother has offered to pay the first month's rent of $300 and he's actively looking for a job. He also said he has an appointment with his MHA worker on Friday so that he can try to get some services reinstated. I'm not sure if that's true but we'll see. I explained to him once again that we love him but he's truly on his own this time. I told him when he's stable and off the streets we will make arrangements to meet somewhere but until then I can not and will not see him. Not after all of the damage he's done. If he truly makes an effort to get well then yes, but until then no.

    Next Tues is his 20th birthday. I'm really struggling with that. Most families might celebrate a 20th birthday with a dinner and cake. This family will not be doing any of that. I may have my best friend bring him a card from us since she works in the town he's in and sees him here and there, but we will not be seeing him. Not even on his birthday. That truly breaks my heart but I have to stay strong.

    Anyway, I just wanted to check in and give an update of sorts. I'm still struggling some days but other days aren't so bad. I'm trying to keep my focus elsewhere and be kind to myself. Sometimes easier said than done but I'm trying nonetheless........
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2014
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am glad to hear you are doing ok and that difficult child is staying away. It always amazes me how they find people to sponge off of. There is no way I would ever give my daughters friends rent money. I would offer them a bed and bath for the night and maybe the occasional plate of food but no more.

    All I can say is lets hope he gets the MHA worker to help and gets the services he needs without causing further drama for you.

    It is truly a shame that we have children we can't show our true emotions to. I feel like I cant breath sometimes because I have to keep the nice calm neutral exterior shell in place so often around difficult child. It is very hard to be a loving parent and celebrate things like birthdays with a child who will most likely explode on you if you make a wrong move or say the wrong thing. Such a shame we can't just show them how much we love them and them reciprocate in return.

    by the way how is you dad doing? I hope things are looking up now that he doesn't have to worry about difficult child being there anymore.
     
  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thanks dstc! I agree - the ability our difficult child's have to sponge and mooch off of others amazes me. No wonder he's not motivated to get help and do the right thing. He knows he can sucker people into helping him with little to no effort on his part. He's a very good at playing the victim and manipulating people into feeling sorry for him.

    Yes! Quite a facade. It's exhausting isn't it? Calm neutral mom on the outside while all the while slowly dying inside.

    This particular comment brings me back to what must have been difficult child's 16th birthday. He was living here at the time and was attending a daily out patient program. For his birthday we had planned to go to dinner at his favorite restaurant and we also got him a very nice mountain bike and a cell phone. It wasn't an expensive cell phone by any means but it was still nice and I was very excited to give it to him. I don't remember exactly what happened but something set him off and he went into a complete rage. He trashed his room and also destroyed his brand new cell phone. He literally stomped it to bits. We never did go to dinner that night either. I'll never forget that and in a way it was a turning point for me.

    As for my dad, he's doing so much better now that difficult child is gone. He's picking up the pieces of destruction that difficult child left in his wake but his stress level has gone way down which is great. He isn't a well man to begin with and difficult child was slowly killing him. I'm so relieved he doesn't have that drama to deal with anymore.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2014
  4. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    still here JKF, glad to hear your dad is on the mend. I haven't been posting much lately, mostly reading but wanted you to know you're still in my thoughts and prayers

    Nancy
     
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  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    JKF, holidays and birthdays are so hard with difficult children. I know it is hard for you do know you have decided to do nothing on his birthday.

    I heard an idea the other day on this forum on another thread that I am going to start---open up a bank account and put whatever money I would have given him there. Maybe one day I can give it to him with an open heart and mind. My difficult child's 25th birthday is July 27.

    It sounds like he is making his way. It's amazing how resilient they are and how they survive in incredible conditions. Look at it this way: he is not waiting on you to make something happen for him, and you have been very clear about where you are right now.

    I so understand the "new normal" you are describing---talking to him, who is living at the train station, while you are at home. Absolutely crazy and yet, it is reality. It is a reality they have created and we must find a way to not only accept it, but live with it every day.

    We are not in charge of this part of their lives. They are. And so, we can stay far, far back on the sidelines, and that is the place we should be, at least for now.

    I hope you are able to start moving on, JKF. I know it is so very hard, the great not knowing, but if you can relax, even a bit, into it, you can see that you may be here for a while, and in the meantime, you can start living again.

    I am so glad your dad is getting a bit better, and that difficult child is not there anymore. He just doesn't need that in his life.

    Please keep sharing. We care about you.
     
  6. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    JKF,

    I feel your pain over the birthday, and also the pained confusion over talking to your son living at the train station. I share both those issues. difficult child was in rehab for his 18th birthday...we celebrated with his twin, but not him. Honestly, I don't remember what happened on the next two birthdays...I know I didn't see or talk to him this year, but I did choose to post a baby picture of him and his twin on facebook (I do that every year.). I kind of feel like birthdays and holidays with difficult child are over...he was in jail on Christmas this year, and chose not to come to Thanksgiving, even though as a kid he totally adored all family get togethers and holidays. I guess...I just feel like there are more important issues at hand than the holidays, which are sort of a luxury of modern society that doesn't have a place for those of us in the trenches. But...I do feel the confusion and pain, you are not alone.

    As far as chatting with your homeless son...that, my dear is a long long process to put in place, if you ever can. COM has posted a lot about that, as have I. Do you talk about the weather? The plans and activities of everyone else in the family, who have clearly found a better path? Smile and say "great?" and how DOES one respond to the good news of "I found a shelter to stay in tonight?".

    Only those of us who have walked your path will ever, every understand it.

    Good thing we are all here together! YOu are feeling your way. JT sounds better than I imagined, and has not behaved as I think we all feared...and I am so glad your sweet dad is recovering a little bit.

    Thanks for the update. We like all of them, whether they have a focus point of a big crisis or not.

    Fondly,

    Echo
     
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