Update on Goneboy

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Jan 15, 2016.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    When Goneboy went Gone, he was silent to ex for three years, but then ex called after Bart moved to Missouri. Ex is sort of afraid of being alone in the Chicago area and after Bart left, he has Princess, but she is not always available, and he also had Goneboy. Goneboy formed a weak relationship with him after he called. He has two kids that I don't consider my grandkids as I've never seen them, but ex saw them...selectively and on Goneboy's terms, mainly when he allows it, ex could visit his house, but he'd never bring anyone to ex's house. Ex doesn't like that. He prefers visits at his place.

    Lately Goneboy is blowing off ex.

    Ex inherited a lot of money from his mother when she passed. Ex is so disgusted with Goneboy, he has started the legal road to disinheriting Goneboy.

    All of us really loved Gonenboy and treated him with lots of love, but he is unable to give it back. I often wonder what kind of husband and father he is. I do know he is a workaholic and not home much.

    This is just another sad part of t he Goneboy story. Ex was very angry at being 100% snubbed for Christmas and because Goneboy didn't even answer his calls to go shopping with him for presents for his boys. Goneboy has gone missing.

    I feel very sorry for ex. Goneboy was his favorite. His obvious favoritism, and the other two bringing it up sadly, was but one reason I divorced him. I know how it is to be second or last to a Golden Child. I don't think ex really knew he was doing it either, because there wasn't even an attempt to hide it. Everyone knew it.Ex is not a mean person, but he is so socially clueless I wonder if he has aspergers. At any rate, he has finally given up on his Golden Child...and he is not a happy camper. He called me and we spoke. Iwonder if Goneboy will try to get back on his good side. Money is very important to him and I'm not sure he is content to be disinherited when his father has a lot. So the saga continues.

    Well, that's about it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It must feel very hurtful to both of you. It is a very good thing that you know that it is something with goneboy and not about you. It does not sound like ex has accepted it.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Pas, we did not adopt him until he was six and he had a cultural change on top of it. He spent six years in an orphanage in another country. I can only imagine his fear and confusion. I still love him, but I understand his actions too. There is no animosity. We talk a little now since the accident. He is like a stranger though. I am not sure seeing him would be a good thing. My family is so stable now and Goneboy is unpredictable and I guard my heart carefully. He is still very distant, and that is how he has always been, but he can't help it.

    He has attachment disorder.

    Ex does not want to accept it, but he is starting to get it. He never did like how Goneboy treated me or Bart or Princess so he wasn't completely blind. Now it's so obvious that even the blind can see. And, yes, it was very hurtful for a while, but we knew the risk of adopting an older child...(sigh). We had heard stories. Of course, we didn't think it would happen to us (bigger sigh). It is very hard for an older child to truly feel a part of a family. It happens, but it is more rare than the opposite.

    Thanks f or your kindness.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I can't help but feel sad for him and for all children who have had such a heart breaking start to life.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Pas, so do I. That's why we adopted him. We wanted to give a home to some child who didn't have one. And few adopters want anything but infants. But sometimes it's too late for an older child to be able to bond with his new family.

    He did do well here in the U.S. He is very financially successful and loves his wife and kids. But we had had many conversations when he was growing up, mostly in his teens, and he would say something was wrong with him...he could not love us as his parents. And it did bother him. I'm not surprised he had this problem as adults let him down in his formative years. He was able to bond with peers, and peers were his family for six years. He had caregivers who came and went and never bothered to hug or love him.

    I have no bad feelings toward him. He did the best he could, as did we. He is extremely bright and was always aware that he did not have the same feelings that other kids had. I can't blame him for his terrible start.

    It is sad that any child has to spend his early years in a cold orphanage. He was fed and clothed and educated, but there was no one adult who cared for him. Some of the kids DID have adults who sponsored them and took them on outings and on holidays and sleepovers, but Goneboy did not have a sponsor. Even with sponsors, the majority of kids who came about the same time as Goneboy are doing much worse than he is. At least he is responsible and has not broken the law.
     
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am sorry Serenity, this is sad,
    but this...... is what hubs has done.

    My children are very aware of this.

    It is sad.

    I hope hubs will get help.

    Sometimes, life is a just a box of rotten chocolates........mixed in with the good ones, and you never know what you are going to get.......

    leafy
     
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I think people like who have adopted a child are just so special. To bring a child in from another country can afford them so many opportunity's they may otherwise never have, again, is such a special thing.

    Whether our blood children or adopted we as parents love them and only want the best for them, then life happens and things can get so messed up.

    I do hope Goneboy on some level realizes how lucky he was to have had you and ex as his parents.
     
  8. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Why is there a bad relationship with Gone Boy . Is he mostly ignoring you the parents?
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He ignores the whole family. Nobody is really sure why. But I did see a psychologist who only sees adopted children or their family members and I feel he was excellent. On top of him being very knowledgeable, we clicked as people and he gave me more time than I paid for. He sees this dynamic a lot, especially when t he children were adopted older and did not have any consistent loving adult in their infancy and toddler years. It can happen to biological kids too if they don't have stability of loving adults in their early years. It is being given more and more attention as divorce soars and kids sometimes see or experience very early abuse or neglect are shuffled from one home to another home and new significant others in the very early years. When we adopted Goneboy, there was very little known about this. There is still little known about this, but the information is growing now. It is still hard to find a psychiatrist who knows enough about it to diagnose it and the treatment is "iffy" and there is no one way found to have helped all kids or even most kids.Medication doesn't work. This is not inborn or inherited. This is truly a problem of environment. And it is often, in adopted kids, the environment before the child ever met you.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2016
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