Update re. internet, shopping, misc.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Feb 28, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I had a great visit with difficult child today and it went better than expected. I had forgotten to mention in my previous thread about internet usage that we had also discussed the opportunity for him to have a job this summer, along with possibly taking driver's ed, if I am working from home because I could work around taking him to and from a job of his own. Then, he could pay off the rest of his restitution that's owed and must be paid (legally required) prior to getting a drivers license. (He won't be able to pay all the rest- it's 1700 more- but this could help a lot and make him more responsible for it.) Anyway, when he was wanting the internet so much last week he said "what if I work this summer and buy my own computer and pay for wireless service?"

    Today, after a few mins of hellos and how are you's, I said, "ok, about use of electronics"- he interruopted and said "never mind". I said "no, I think we should discuss it because you need to know how I feel about it. I think the transition will be plenty enough for the firstt 2-3 months and I am worried about where the typical compulsive usage and game playing- that can happen to all of us- might lead while you are transitioning and having bad days and frustrated sometimes." He smiled the sweetest smile, looked me straight in the eye, and said "really mom, I thought about it and it's ok."

    Then he started talking a little about driver's ed and exactly how much restitution was left to pay. Of course, if anything at all happens to this computer or the software, I can't work from home. I figure he decided he'd rather work toward a license and car than a comptuer and internet service- good choice in my book. And, since he's flipped on a few subjects that he intially worried me about, I think I need to keep in mind that if I give him a few days or so to think about things, maybe he'll think them thru better and come to a good decision on his own. (Ladies, please remind me of this a month or two from now. LOL!)

    Then, he said he's asking around to find out where there are stores where he could get good deals on clothes he likes that aren't in a mall because he knows I HATE going to the mall. (True- but I was going to take him for one shopping trip.) Well, he doesn't know it but I plan to have one gift box of clothes for him already. It won't have everything he needs in it, and that was the plan- he can spend some of his own money to get some things and pick out whatever he wants as long as it's acceptable to wear to school. But it will have a few shirts, underwear, sweats. I'll put those jeans in there too so he can see what he wants to do- keep them or return them and use the money for a better bargain somewhere else, whatever. I think he'll be happy this way and it will save us a little time while still giving him some responsibility for it and choices in his own clothes.

    As far as shoes, we thought he'd be able to come home with a pair of street shoes, but he can't. He has a pair of black Difficult Child's that are basicly brand new- they aren't the style that has a bold design or anything- and we are almost certain they will fit him because he bought them way too big last year.

    Is there any reason it would be an embaressment for a 15yo boy to wear this brand/style of shoe to high school?
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What are Difficult Child's? I would assume any normal shoes would be fine. Lots of kids cant afford the newest and coolest shoes so it shouldnt be a big deal.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    well, i think he's going to have to start with them unless he spends his money on shoes and uses any money from these jeans to get jeans that fit, and wears only the shirts I bought him.
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I think those shoes are "cool" and have seen them on many of easy child's friends, girls and guys just not all black.

    He could have much worse shoes, in my humble opinion.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh- I almost forgot one of the most important things that difficult child revealed during this- albeit unknowingly. He was explaining the steps he has to take in order to get thru the release process and that includes telling people (counselors/ staff) what his charges were, how they happened and his plan to keep from getting to that point again. He said he tells them about the brush fire and other stuff that got him on the suspended sentence a few years ago but tries to avoid the topic of the assualt on me that actually caused his suspension to be revoked and resulted in incarceration. He said it's too hard to talk about and when they ask him directly, he tells them we were arguing because he was trying to get cigs from me. He said he can't bring himself to tell anyone what he actually did.

    Well, that explains why therapist and others kept acting like I must have contributed to his escalation and were constantly asking me about "the argument that lead to this". There was no argument. And I had wondered if difficult child was just trying to put blame on me to avoid responsibility or if he had been completely dillusional or forgotten due to all these medication changes at the time. It appears after what he said today that he can't handle admitting or talking about it. On the one hand, that could mean that he really does realize how serious it was and he is very ashamed of it. on the other hand, how resolved can those feelings be if he never worked on them in therapy or got them out in the open?

    He has done this with two other very difficult subjects- his father never acknowledging or talking to him and feeling like he doesn't fit in with friends. He'll discuss these things with me very minimally me and admit he has a real tough time with them, but he won't even admit they hurt him in therapy , much less discuss these things with anyone else.

    Going back to the original topic for a sec- I don't think difficult child would have decided the internet usage was no big deal if he thought I would give in about it. And I feel sure that we'll have to have a few discussions about it after he's home and gets more tempted. I still want to look into netnanny or something similar. I look at it like this- I'm glad to see he's making effort - but I want to help keep him on the right track the way locks are there to keep honest people honest.
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2010
  7. horserider

    horserider New Member

    It has been awhile since I posted, so glad you had a nice visit with your difficult child. by the way my 17 yr old difficult child still loves Difficult Child clothes and shoes. Sorry I have not been keeping up with everyone lately, when is your difficult child scheduled to be released?
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    on the subject of shoes - I think DCs and Vans are some of the favs right now for the boys who are not into the real athletic shoes like Nike. My son wears Vans, which are similiar to DCs and he's about the same age.

    On the subject of computer usage - I think here's the deal you go with. Since he knows it's a no go right now, continue on that vein. I wouldn't be buying an expensive software - you have other more important things to do with your limited income right now. The bottom line is that he will have a computer from school to do his work on. Your computer is hands off because it's a business product. When you are in bed at night or have to be out of the house when he is there, take the modum or the cable line with you so he can't access the internet - then it won't be an issue and you won't have to buy the nanny software.

    When enough time has gone by and he has proven himself trustworthy, then consider slowly adding internet privilages but don't go wireless. You can hardwire your easy child and his laptop with a cable splitter. That way he's in common space and he will know that you can "look over his shoulder" at an molment.


  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Ladies! I think the shoes will be fine then- I just wanted to make sure this wouldn't get him laughed at the first day of school- I'm not worried about him being a fashion king so if there's some other trend in shoes and he wants a pair, he can earn those.

    I like your idea, LDM, re the internet.

    You know, when he's in 10th grade I wouldn't mind him using the internet IF he can stay within reasonable boundaries- no porn, trying to purchase inappropriate things, no stealing to purchase anything, no chatting or connecting with people he doesn't already know ITRW, etc. - and a biggie- no sending or receiving photos