Vent about difficult child

[AnnieO]

k - the medications - including ibuprofen LOL - have been in a digital safe since late December, when we discovered the theft. No way she can figure the 8-digit code. Half is husband's, half is mine - and NEITHER are our usuals. Behind a locked bedroom door, which we are working on a DEADBOLT for, since apparently she can pick locks. Sigh.

 

[DammitJanet]

I dont know what is going on with difficult child. If he admitted to drug use, his test should have come back positive for something. It shouldnt have been crystal clean. Either he is lying about using or he used someone elses urine. That might be why he wants money. Sigh. I dont know.

I dont think all this is typical teen though. Maybe for difficult child's they are.

 

[klmno]

Well, PO and I have discussed some things that I'll have to wait a couple of days to post about. It was all dependent on what difficult child did after school today. He should be home by now but he's not so we'll see what BS he tells me when he does come home.

PO has been watching urine tests for all juvenile boys so difficult child didn't use someone else's urine. I suspect he didn't inhale much pot and PO says if difficult child took pills they would be out of his system in a shorter amount of time. difficult child drank a whole lot of liquids for a few days beforehand but not a lot the day of his test- it possibly could have flushed it out of his system if there wasn't much in there. I doubt he did a whole lot- but I do think he did something.

ETA: He just got home and said he had gotten to school too late to go on the field trip. Apparently his plan is to ride the fence and not choose between one path or another. That isn't going to work with me.

 

[Robinboots]

See, with my difficult child, we just assumed that whenever he spoke, he was lying. It took some time, but mostly everyone does that now. Except his FFPs, with whom he says he's living. We really, really tried to believe him - well, I did, husband not so much. But when you have a gut feeling, go with it. I think we all get really good at having those instincts, but it takes practice to go with them. Unfortunately, we get a lot of practice.

 

[everywoman]

Mine would lie and know he was caught and still lie----for example, we went to the school where I teach. This is one converstaion of many:
I went to the parking lot, his truck is missing---call him---
Where are you?
At school, Mom.
Where's your truck?
In the parking lot
Well, it's been stole, cause I'm standing in your parking space and it's gone.
I'm in class mom. I'm going to get in trouble for talking on my cell.
Okay---I'll be there in a minute with the SRO, so we can report your truck stolen.
Okay.
Bye.
Two second later... he calls back,
I don't answer.
I call husband.
He goes to "friends" house---takes the extra key to the key...get truck...take it to a garage of a friend of ours...locks it up.
I call difficult child back.
Well, you must have gone to the bathroom because you weren't in class..so I went ahead and reported your truck stolen. I'll give you a ride home this afternoon--or you can walk.
The truck was sold after that.

 

[KTMom91]

14 and 15 were the worst years around here with Miss KT. I overheard her on the phone one evening, talking about how she felt on some drug. Dropped her at school the next day, got an order from her doctor for drug testing and pregnancy test, and some others, don't remember now, but I made sure one was a blood test, because she's hysterically afraid of needles and I wanted this to stick in her memory. Pulled her out of school, took her for the testing, and listened to her hysteria from the waiting room. She tested clean...surprise.

 

[klmno]

Dropped her at school the next day, got an order from her doctor for drug testing and pregnancy test, and some others, don't remember now, but I made sure one was a blood test, because she's hysterically afraid of needles and I wanted this to stick in her memory.

 

[susiestar]

I wish I had some sage advice or idea to help you through this. Not looking for the "why" behind his actions is probably the best I have heard. Knowing why might help you understand his thinking, but I sincerely doubt that HE knows why he does much of this. He sure seems to have very little impulse control. Or he is determined to make each "punishment" worthwhile. Hanged for a lamb as hanged for a sheep thinking, Know what I mean??

Mostly just do whatever you can to get frohttp://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/vent-about-difficult child-33176/#post353842m one day to the next. He is old enough to pull these stunts so he is old enough to handle the consequences.

In the meantime you problem should work on detachment as much as you can. Let the consequences fall on HIM, don't let them keep you so upset you cannot function. Therapy hasn't been much help lately so I recommend meditation. There are many guided meditation programs that can help you have as much peace in your life as possible. I can give you the name of a reputable company that husband and I have used (mostly he has used) for as long as we have known each other.

I also recommend reading "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" if you haven't already. I am sure it probably will not give you any magic method to handle things, but it can help you become as consistent as possible and give you ideas and reminders to help you survive this period in your life with difficult child.

Many hugs my friend.

 

[busywend]

OK - let's pretend he has a totally clean past and never was in Department of Juvenile Justice.

Let's say he is a easy child.

If your easy child left the house this morning without your knowledge to walk to school with a not so desired friend, what would you do?

 

[klmno]

PO said we've done all we can to minimize difficult child's contact with bad influences but that's all we can do because he can and will see them at school and so forth and I suppose that's true. However, since I'm actually more bothered by his disprespect in leaving and walking while knowing I was already up and getting ready to take him and he didn't even have the courtesy to say he'd changed his mind or whatever- but even moreso about how disrespectful he was when I saw him walking and told him to get in the car and he refused. Therefore, even though he might get off house arrest, I'm grounding him for the first few days of it. Mainly because I really can't think of any other punishment for it. I haven't been the one to decide his punishments since he was 13yo and that seems like a life time ago. Well, maybe I'll ground him during the week next week but let him go out for a while Sat. during the day- we'll see- I'm open for ideas. The thing is, when he's on house arrest, there isn't too much more I can do except make him go to his room for a while where he has no tv but that seems negligible.

 

[DammitJanet]

Very good sage question Busywend.

I had that scenario happen to me with Jamie in 11th grade. It was actually funny. Im sure I posted about it.

He had a group of best friends that drove to school together every morning. The guy who drove had this big, old chevy impala car that was so unique you just knew it was Eddie when you saw the car. Well, one morning Tony and I had to go out somewhere about an hour after the boys left for school. To our amazement we drove right up behind them at a stoplight going in the complete opposite direction from the school! This was long past time for them to be at school too.

Tony beeped the horn at them, motioned for them to pull into the gas station we were next to, and they did. We could see Jamie's tall body sitting in the middle of the back seat. Tony hauled his skinny butt right out of that car. I went into the store to get a drink and the clerk was a bit nervous about the commotion in the parking lot. I just laughed and said we just caught our son and his friends playing hooky from school...no worries.

We took Jamie back to school...Late. Made him go in with unexcused tardy. We called the other boys parents. Jamie wasnt allowed to ride with Eddy for two months. It was torture to have to ride the big yellow bus!

 

[CrazyinVA]

k, I think one consequence for his walking and ignoring you, would be to insist he either ride the bus or be driven to school, no walking with friends (since it made him "late" for his field trip... cough) (since he's on house arrest, I would have insisted on this, anyway). I would also insist he come straight from the bus stop to home, no talking with friends first. If he wants to come home, and have a friend hang out there to talk, fine. I always encouraged my kids to have friends at our house, that way I got to know their friends, plus knew where they were.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

k,
I think Crazy's suggestions make a lot sense. Ride the bus or you take him to school. No walking - kids can readily skip, go in late, or use while getting to school on their own. He has to come straight home after getting off the bus. And if you don't have a good relationship with your teen, having friends over is like torture!

I am very, very suprised the PO is letting him off house arrest this weekend with the troubled history of following the rules the last several weeks.

Sharon

 

[klmno]

He wants to find out how difficult child is going to do off house arrest before the arraignment. And he told difficult child last week that he was giving him more week, then he'd let him off. The violation will be dealt with in court.

 

[busywend]

I realize dealing out consequences to a difficult child is much different than a easy child. You really have to pick your battles.

Do you want to allow him to do this act (leaving the house without your knowledge and walking to school without your knowledge and skipping a field trip with out speaking to you about it and being with an undesireable friend) without a consequence? If you think this is not a battle worth fighting than let it go.
If you think this is a line he should not cross then come up with a rule about leaving the house and what his requirements are upon doing so, IE: must ask you if it is OK, must be sure that he will be on time, etc. Once the rule is clear for him, if he breaks it there must be a consequence for breaking that rule. Let's say it is cleaning the toilet daily, or doing the dishes, or whatever you would like him to do that he hates doing LOL.
It is OK if you choose not to dole out a punishment for this time because the rule was not clear, but next time... He also has to be willing to sit down and have the conversation in a rational manner and admit that he understands the rule and the punishment if it happens again. Otherwise he gets the punishment this time.
Work together on it. I think this will be very valuable for the two of you. Even if he wants some input on the rule.

I realize this is not what everyone would suggest. But, you guys are kinda starting over and it has been rocky. But, maybe it is because he just does not understand yet. Get some house rules that you both can live with.
I would start out with this one and see how it goes. If it works then tell him you would like to come up with a set of plans for the rules and consequences. I would start with deal breakers (drugs, sneaking out, etc) and get him to understand why they are deal breakers (PO, safety, etc).

 

[klmno]

oh- he understands - he has moments when he'll comply and be respectful and moments when he won't. Forbidding him to walk to school or certain things- well, I'd have no way to enforce that. He wasn't supposed to be doing it in the first place but he didn't care and that's why he disappeared and did it instead of talking to me about it.

Mentor has yet to be on time- even within 10 mins. Apparently he has 2-3 other "jobs" and this one is on the back-burner so we are scheduling around the days he has to play in a band, do a recording job and some "other" job on Sundays. So since he has to be with difficult child so many hours per week, they get finished late which messes up dinner time and everything else. The ONLY time he has available out of this coming Fri, Sat and Sun. is 6:00-8:00 Sunday evening.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Forbidding him to walk to school or certain things- well, I'd have no way to enforce that. He wasn't supposed to be doing it in the first place but he didn't care and that's why he disappeared and did it instead of talking to me about it.

k,

I think this is where the big issue is, and I think you recognize it as well. He has absolutely no respect for your authority whatsoever (not to mention the rules of school or the court system). Compliance sometimes is not really compliance. It's him doing what he wants, when he wants, period.

If he has such total disregard for your rules now, what will your situation look like a year from now when he's bigger and more ingrained into his independent lifestyle? What kind of respect can you, as his parent, be assured when it comes to the more complicated issues of 16 and 17?

I think that is what would be uppermost in my mind were I in your position.

Sharon

 

[klmno]

This IS the main thing on my mind. Fortunately when I went off on PO about the last probation officer and her antics and how they completely made things in this area worse than they already were, he apparently actually got it so now we have been discussing a lot of things along these areas and how to support each other's requirements and expectations with difficult child. I doubt seriously that difficult child will get off parole until/unless I tell PO that difficult child has become reasonable with complying with me. And difficult child has been toldd that this is EXACTLY why he has ended up having to stay in this system so long- he just keeps going and going. If PO is correct, difficult child can't stay on this fence for too long without going one way or another. If PO isn't correct, it's only a matter of time anyway. I had to leave a message for PO today to tell him whether or not difficult child came home on time and told the truth about not going on the field trip but he didn't call back- I should hear from him tomorrow. And just what you said, LDM, will be the topic at this point. One thing I will say, difficult child only goes so long being defiant with me before he is doing illegal things and then others won't let that go on anymmore I have been told, and do believe.

Obviously- the only reason he wanted to walk to school was to justify having 1/2 hour talking to his friend before school because they are both in trouble and supposed to be staying home. The firend did this too- but he's grounded by his parents and supposed to be going straight to and from school on the bus. difficult child and friend both keep each other plowing down the wrong the road (not to mention themselves).

 

[CrazyinVA]

Forbidding him to walk to school or certain things- well, I'd have no way to enforce that. He wasn't supposed to be doing it in the first place but he didn't care and that's why he disappeared and did it instead of talking to me about it.

I just wanted to add another thought ... just because you think he will not comply or you can't enforce it adequately, doesn't mean you shouldn't make the rule, and give him a consequence for breaking that rule. Otherwise, He is making the rules. Be very careful not to fall into that trap. I agree you have to pick your battles, just be sure you're not letting HIM pick them for you.

 

[DammitJanet]

Amen Crazy!

Cory had a whole host of rules and it was near to impossible for any of us to enforce compliance but it didnt stop us from setting down the rules and bringing down the hammer in any way we could when we caught him. Catching him was the easy part. He was stupid.