Vent about difficult child

[klmno]

There are a lot of dynamics that play into a situation like this, as PO has told me. Let's just say yesterday the conversation started with PO asking me how things were going and my response was that my son was sneaking, manipulating, and lying to everyone. PO said no, he's not- because if he was, he wouldn't have bothered going to school yesterday. He says difficult child has a problem feeling like he fits in and a lot of what he's doing and saying is his way of trying to feel like all the other kids and now after being incarcerated and wanting to stay out, difficult child really is having a difficult time. I'm assuming he's trying to throw me some hints of things he's heard from the mentor. I can tell you that difficult child is like a easy child in actions and attitude and mood after being with his mentor.

But apparently all this is part of the transition period and I'm starting to see how the importance of difficult child's choices plays into their way of transitioning these kids back into the community. Obviously, any kid in Department of Juvenile Justice didn't respect rules or he/she wouldn't have ended up there (not counting wrong convictions). But the kid doesn't get out of Department of Juvenile Justice until he/she has proven that he can and will comply with the rules of Department of Juvenile Justice authorities at the facility. OK- by that point, the parent is seen as a friend and "good guy" and the kid barely knows his PO. So the first thing is to transition authority to PO and PO and I have discussed the importance of him backing me up if he ever expects difficult child to respect my authority and others' in the community (people at school for instance). PO is making great efforts to do that- but he also has to follow this process where the mentor is involved to give difficult child hope and encouragement and help get difficult child started in his own goals and so forth. As difficult child gets started with those things, with mentor there to provide support, difficult child is given more freedom as long as his PO hasn't seen other behaviors that make him think the kid is a danger to society or isn't even trying. Apparently this little more freedom is given somewhat as a reward but more importantly to find out what choices the kid really will make because that is the real world.

I see this playing out with difficult child now because he and his mentor had tentatively scheduled an early morning jog this morning but the mentor was going to call last night to see if difficult child had the energy to get up early since he supposedly would have spent a long day on that field trip with JROTC. Of course, difficult child nnow is in a position where he didn't get to enjoy the field trip or have the energy to get up and go jogging this morning- why? because he chose to walk to school and talk to the kid that he violated parole with. So difficult child can process this- is it more important to have these friends or stick to the plans that lead him to his own goals. Where I was thinking difficult child is just using all of us, I think he

 

[klmno]

My mouse is acting up or something so I can't click where to keep typing on my last post- so to finish my thought-

I was thinking the biggest issue right now is difficult child not seeing me as an authority figure and being disrespectful and so forth. I think PO is looking at it like difficult child is still on the fence about which path he is going to take and wants to give difficult child a chance to take another baby step. Being a easy child for the parent is apparently at the end of all these steps, not at the beginning like we parents would want. It doesn't mean that difficult child can walk all over me or treat me like dirt, and we ALL will be discussing difficult child's attitude toward me yesterday some more. But I need to touch base with PO before positively telling difficult child that if PO takes him off house arrest, I am grounding him for Mon thru Fri of the following week and I need to find out if PO can put him back on house arrest if difficult child doesn't comply with the consequences I give him. But I am sure at this point that the kid doesn't go straight from a year in Department of Juvenile Justice seeing guards as his only authority to back home with Mom and now Mom is his big authority. PO though keeps stressing that it isn't authority that's at issue- it's difficult child's choice of which path he really wants to take and difficult child needs to get off the fence but he doesn't want to shove him too hard.

Of course the main objective is that at the end of the "transition" (being parole) difficult child will have sunnk his teeth into things that are constructive for him and have already chosen for himself not to give into the temptations that steer him away from that, and along with that, he will respect the rules of society and authority figures in the community because he will be more motivated and supposedly, respect grows when you start achieving your own goals- or we can get to a real blunt piont with difficult child and he can have it made clear to him that he'll either respect the rules of me, his principal/teachers, society, or he can sit in Department of Juvenile Justice where they guard kids who can't or won't comply with society's rules. IOW, it's more about the kid deciding what path he wants to take in life than it is about what the parent rewards them with or takes away when they are in this situation - supposedly, if they choose the "good" path (not that anyone reaches perfection) then they will "man up" and not be defiant with authority figures in the community. All I know is that PO is telling me that these kids don't come out of Department of Juvenile Justice already at the point we want them to be. Yeah, somehow I knew that.

 

[busywend]

I gave up trying to get my difficult child to be respectful to me. She said to me one day, "stop trying to make me something I am not."
So, to her I was not demanding respect from my child, I was demanding that she change who she is. That opened my eyes.
I started letting it all slide by. I became the master at detachment.
Low and behold, at almost 19 - I get the respect I tried to enforce for the last 8 years. Not 100% of the time.

Sometimes you just don't get to parent the way you want to parent, you parent the way the child needs to be parented.

 

[DaisyFace]

I gave up trying to get my difficult child to be respectful to me. She said to me one day, "stop trying to make me something I am not."
So, to her I was not demanding respect from my child, I was demanding that she change who she is. That opened my eyes.

BusyWend--

I can say the same thing about my difficult child. She simply does not recognize me as a person to whom she owes any kind of respect or allegiance.

But at the same time, this is MY house and MY life and I shouldn't have to be treated like dirt all the time.

So I think there has to be some sort of boundary between everybody being "who they are" and trampling on the feelings and rights of others.

Just my two cents...

 

[klmno]

PO and I talked today and he told me I could tell difficult child he's off house arrest if I want. So I told him I'd tell difficult child he's off starting today but he's going to be grounded the first 3 days of the school week for his disrespect toward me the other day and that includes no walking and socializing on those days. PO says if difficult child doesn't respect my rules while off house arrest, he'll put him back on it and if he won't respect either of our rules, then it will be another violation and difficult child will be looking at more time in detention or Department of Juvenile Justice one.