Well, have now cut off all contact with difficult child and I'm sorry, but I'm glad!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by judi, Feb 5, 2007.

  1. judi

    judi Active Member

    difficult child calls me this morning on my cell (which I use for work too) and immediately swears at me and is hollering asking me what I told his x-girlfriend (mother of grandson). I had no idea what he was even talking about and finally he calmed down enough to holler that I told her that he was smoking dope. Well, duh, yep I told him that I told her that husband and I had caught him smoking dope in his room in June when he lived with us and that the womon he is living with now also was high when I met her. He proceeds to then threaten to beat me up (in not so polite language). I told him he needed to change his lifestyle and hung up.

    I called husband and talked with him and told him that this was IT, I was ready to turn off his cell phone. He isn't going to make threats to me with a phone that I pay for. So...this afternoon I had a minute and ran over to the cell phone store and shut off his phone.

    X-girlfriend calls me this afternoon and says that difficult child called her this am all upset that he couldn't see the baby where he lives. She told him no way and so this is what precipitated his verbal bashing of me. I tell you guys, I'm just ready to be so done with this kid.

    X-girlfriend, husband, easy child and his wife and I are all on the same sheet of music and we just want what is best for the baby and her oldest child.

    The end result is that difficult child lives with pond scum, has no job, a car with no gas, no wish to get a job, no nothing. And..you know what? I'm at peace with this. I want no more chaos in my life. If he has to be out of it, so be it.

    husband and I talk lots about this but we know there is nothing we can do. We do love our son and always will. However, if he doesn't change his lifestyle, he is going to be the loser of all losers.

    Thanks for listening...judi
  2. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    Well, it sounds like our sons are twins separated at birth. I have been through this 4 days ago, of a different nature. My son told me he would beat the #### out of me and I'm not his family. His girlfriend text messaged a horrible message to my phone. He was caught stealing fuel recently so he will likely be in jail soon. I'm so in agrrement with you. Our lives are worth more than this. I do hope it gets better.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I think you've made the right step. You have a right to peace in your life. And only difficult child can make the decision to change his life. Hopefully he will make that decision soon.

  4. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Judi, you try to be positive and hopeful, then that one thing they do just pushes us over the edge. It just tips the scales and it's clear that they won't change.

    Save yourself and your family. When he wants to be part of the family, he knows how to get a hold of you.
  5. judi

    judi Active Member

    Lori4ever - sounds like my son's exact words - lol. My son too doesn't want to have a family because in his words, "they're such a hassle."

    Daisy - I agree - I have put up this for so many years (since he was 15). I was always the one he turned to. However, I'm not going to be threatened.

    Fran - you're right. We do love him and care for him. I know it sounds weird, but we have a very unusual name and I know that if something were to happen to him, we would get notified. So...for now I just have to go on and enjoy the family members that do want to be in my life.
  6. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    Sending hugs to you. :frown: I don't have any words today but I have understanding hugs.
  7. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    judi, thinking of you and your family. Sometimes you just need a break from the chaos....

    :redface: /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif :wildone:
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You are detatching with love. it's the best thing you can do for all of you, including him right now.
    Good for you shutting off his phone. I would have loved to see the look on his face when he realized it. I'll never forget my difficult child's reactions when I finally learned how to detatch. Boy was he shocked!!!! He eventually learned to laugh about it and admits it's the best thing anyone could have done for him.

    TYLERFAN New Member


    You did the right thing.
    :bravo: :bravo:

    Melissa *
  10. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Sorry about how it is turning out. You will be happier giving the people in your family your attention who want and appreciate your love. Concetrate on them.
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    [ QUOTE ]
    He isn't going to make threats to me with a phone that I pay for.

    [/ QUOTE ]

    I am woman, hear me roar! :bravo:

    Honestly Judi- you go, girl! I'm proud of you.

    Suz :smile:
  12. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    I, too, am proud of you for turning off his phone. We pay for Melissa's cell phone and have threatened to cut it off (it would cost us a $200 termination fee). I hope if/when the time comes that we really feel we should do this that we can be as brave as you were.

  13. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member


    It seems to me that the fact that he pushed you over the edge to making this decision means that now you know exactly where you are vis-a-vis difficult child and you will have a peace of mind that you haven't had for many years.

    I take my hat off to you for having the courage to go through with this.


    Love, Esther
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    it is ok to tell your son that you love him but you are not going down the road with him. perhaps this will make him want to join the family if he gets lonely enough.

    however, I would not confide in any woman about my son's behavior. that is up to him if he wants to talk about himself. I do not reveal anything to any girls ant comes across. his relationships are his business and what he wants to divulge.

    when he dated danielle I did warn her of his drug use, I told her not to get pregnant because he was actively involved in drugs. it did not deter her at all and made me the heavy. now if she complains I could say I told you so...but I dont
  15. judi

    judi Active Member

    Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. Janet - I had not told the x-girlfriend anything she didn't already know. The only thing she asked was why I was reluctant to have the baby stay there where difficult child is and I did tell her that we had caught him smoking pot at our home and the adult living there was high the one and only time I saw her. The threatening behavior was an extension of what he had told her earlier in the morning. He blabs everything to everyone including things he probably shouldn't but that is him.

    It is better for all concerned at the moment that we have no contact. As to the cell phone termination fee, I just turned it off x30 days (free) and then in 30 days only I can turn it back it on because I'm the contract owner. However, there was a $175 early termination fee which I didn't want to pay so this is the route I decided on.
  16. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    judi, thinking of you and your family. I can understand your frustrations with difficult child. Its always about them.....
  17. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    Knowing the long road you've been down with your son (since we were in the trenches together for many years), I too agree that for now, it's best for all concerned.

    Sending hugs. I know it's hard.
  18. judi

    judi Active Member

    We are having a new door installed in our basement Monday and I plan to re-key the locks since difficult child has a key.
  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I think you did the right thing. When my difficult child was at her worst, I had to cut off contact for a little while just to keep my sanity.

    She is doing much better now that she knows that we are her not her safety net and that she is responsible for herself.

    As far as the cell phone, I had difficult child's phone line deactivated without terminating it. You still have to pay the monthly charges but they can't use it. I would rather do that then let my difficult child abuse the privilege of using a phone that I am paying for.

    Sue ~ You might want to think about deactivating Melissa's cell phone. It might get her attention! That was the first thing that my difficult child starting paying for on her own after being without one for a few months. I don't know if you have Metro PCS in your area but it's great because difficult children don't need credit to get a phone since it is a flat fee plan paid in advance each month. It also has no yearly contract and has unlimited local and national calling (from the home area only ~ it doesn't work once you leave the home area) so it's virtually GFGproof.

  20. judi

    judi Active Member

    Thanks Kathy. husband is glad that we have done this too. difficult child always takes his anger out on me, yet I am the first one he calls when he is in trouble. Work is very stressful though and right now there is not enough of ME to go around - lol. Thanks for the support.